Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

I can't believe this! He should be paying the majority of the bills etc. Tell him he either helps support his family or he will have to move out so you can have a paying housemate move in. Then apply for child support as well.

I am gobsmacked he hasn't even realised how you are financially accommodating him send a text he need to pay end of unfortunately time to prioritise saving don't last forever he a father he has responsibilities now.
Also do realise that he won't be earning all of that he will be paying a high tax but regardless he needs to step up. Or move out and pay you child support he'd have a shock then you could do a basic calculation on child support on the government site for calculation.

Dear OP,
I hope you are ok. I'm late to this thread but cannot see an update from you.
This is a heart wrenching situation to be in, particularly if you love him. However it cannot go on..... it's unfair. I am worried about your financial future. Your partner, the father of your child earns a very good salary. As someone else posted.....what is he doing with his money??
You should not be using your savings to pay bills etc.
Can you speak to family or a friend about this so they can help you move forward? Lots of ideas on how to do this, previously posted. He needs to commit financially & generously.
Best wishes x

You need to tell him if he doesn't set up a direct debit into your account of X amount per month to cover the vast majority of the household expenses until you go back to work, and thereafter half the household expenses plus half the nursery costs, he can pack and leave.

Quite honestly, he should have been gone long ago.

Yes to this.

Read through all of your posts. He is taking the p*ss.

Make him leave then apply for support via the CMS immediately as it cannot be paid back retrospectively. Then find a childminder/babysitter/nanny/mother’s help who could come to your home for 2-3 hours per day to help you (for example in the evening).

You should absolutely not be the one paying for all of this. You definitely should not be dipping into your savings whilst he is bringing home ~£5k per month after deductions!

This.
Sorry OP but you sound a pushover. Even if it's "awkward" you need to just do it!
If he doesn't respond positively then you know you need to get him out. Why would you want a freeloader like that in your life? You have your DC to think about now.

If he doesn't agree, go down the cms route. As he needs to contribute to his own babies life.

AWKWARD?! This is his responsibility as much as yours!! You need a full and frank conversation about how he needs to contribute. Can you enlist mother in law or others?

This just sounds very worrisome re: his character. I just can't imagine moving in with someone and A not having a prior conversation regarding costs/ money and B him not offering anything at any point.

Him having such high earnings (???) and showering you with stuff/ weekends away and then all that vanishing and him never putting his hand in his pocket again. Tbh it all sounds like he's pulling a fast one. I think you definitely need to pin this conversation down urgently 👌

You'd be better off kicking him out you'd get £1000 a month in child maintenance

How are you living with someone and had a baby with them but having a conversation about bills is awkward?

This is so sad. It sounds like you have been avoiding the confrontation to avoid being alone. I totally get that. However someone who isn't automatically paying their share at this very critical time and won't engage about it, well I'm sorry to say this bluntly but they don't love you. I really am sorry to say it. So the natural way this has to go is for you to give the ultimatum, that he pays half this way, or you make him pay half through the courts.....which does he prefer. I think his answer will be the latter and he's a horrible person. Prepare yourself for a battle.

You are absolutely right. I really don’t want to be alone but knew the right thing to do was have the conversation. He seemed to agree to it all and then two days later he split up with me giving me loads of poor excuses, I knew deep down this would happen which is why I think i delayed and felt awkward for so long.

I hope you are doing ok OP. This tells you everything you need to know about his character. Sending you a hand hold

Sorry he’s been so pathetic. Enjoy Christmas hunkered down with your baby, get his things in black bags, and get the CMS claim in as soon as.

Oh OP, I remember your thread so when I saw it I hoped you had updated. I’m sorry that it is sad news; do you have anyone near you today? I know this has been awful for you, but in time you will realise that it is for the best and you will find someone amazing. Right now, focus on building a good life for you and your baby - and put a claim in to CMS immediately.

What a horrible person he is. Happy to stay and live off you completely, whilst you pay all your child's expense and he already earns a great salary.

If you hadn't asked him to contribute - he'd still be there, effectively draining your resources for your child. What a prince. Tells you everything you need to know. You may not feel like it now but he's done you a huge favour to remove himself. I hope you and your LO will have a great Christmas together, now that you are not being drained by this selfish person.

Sorry OP; this must be very hard especially at this time of year with a young baby. You don't need me to tell you; you did the right thing; but might need to hear things will get better. I'd hoped it was possibly the ignorance of a financially well off person re: his behaviour. But someone happy to leech off the mother of his child; thus creating financial hardship for his child too is definitely a case of 'well rid'. Wishing you a peaceful & hopeful Xmas in the knowledge that when the dust settles the only way is up. Good luck OP ❤️ 😍

I'm so sorry as this is a really difficult time when you feel vulnerable after having a new baby This reflects so badly on him. He isn't a good man.

Is he on the birth certificate?

That’s really embarrassing for him. He hasn’t even tried to hide that he was completely using you for free accommodation, so when the gravy train ended and he was asked to contribute he more or less immediately ended things.

As hard as it for you now, its definitely for the best though because he would have left you eventually since sadly his heart clearly isn’t with you. Better sooner than later with these sort of things.

Has he moved out yet? If not, give him a clear deadline and say he still has to pay bills until he actually leaves. Because I wonder if he’s actually going to try and stay, but leave the threat of leaving hanging over your head so you don’t say anything more about him contributing.

Make sure you let him know he is still responsible for financially supporting his child and if he doesn’t want to work out an arrangement that you’re happy with - you’ll go down official routes with child maintenance. I can’t see someone like him being generous in a private arrangement and paying more than he needs to, so you’re probably better off doing it via CMS.

Terribly sorry, OP. Try to enjoy Christmas with your baby and family and apply for child maintenance when you feel ready. It will feel grim now but it would probably have hurt more and caused more difficulty if you'd delayed things. Hopefully him never contributing means you are financially stable on your own and never grew dependent on him.

What a sorry excuse for a BF, father and human being. Even the money he loves so much is embarassed for him. You may not be vindictive but every penny of child support you finally receive ans your child deserves will hurt him like a wound, as will his accommodation costs and food.

Good luck.

This was always going to happen unfortunately, he is one of life’s takers. Hopefully he will at least be a good father to your child. Even if having a baby with you was never his plan, his subsequent financial abuse of you was disgraceful. I also get how you may feel worse off being alone and hope you have family who will lift you up and support you.

So sorry to hear this but I hope you find strength in carrying on without the freeloading pain in the ass ,
you’re worth more than that x
best of luck to you xx

Hope you are ok. What an absolute shit. Well he is going to have to put his hand in his pocket now.
Horrible, horrible time for all this to happen.