Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

445 replies

Ells2024 · 18/12/2024 09:19

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

OP posts:
Snakebite61 · 20/12/2024 08:51

Ells2024 · 18/12/2024 09:19

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

I can't believe you are actually asking this. He should be paying ALL bills.

laraitopbanana · 20/12/2024 10:56

Wow

»I won’t be able to pay it all moving forward. I will also want you to contribute to childcare costs when I am going back for your child. »

if he says no. Kick him out.

julesplusvodka · 20/12/2024 11:43

Blinder, my dear friend was and still is the same situation as yourself, however having bleed her dry, he is now trying to take her to court for a large portion of the house!!! Never having paid towards any bills, she allowed it to drag on for far too long, now having no savings to fall back on, is so stressed, I can see how it has affected her mental health and she is skin and bones trying to hold it together while bringing up her little girl and working full time. With this cloud hanging over her head all the time. Please don’t end up in this same situation, deal with it now before it’s too late. Your baby relies upon you to do the right thing.It’s almost seems that they read from the same script!!!!!

Mrsbloggz · 20/12/2024 12:19

They are predators and predators behave in a predatory manner.
It's not that they read from the same script, more that they have a similar nature and their behavior flows from their nature.
Their instincts and impulses draw them to situations where they sense opportunities to exploit and dominate.

MyPithyPoster · 20/12/2024 13:02

No update in over 48 hours I think we can conclude the conversation didn’t happen/didnt go well

DayliightDteamer841 · 20/12/2024 14:44

Put in a claim for child maintenance

JessicaRabbit6 · 23/12/2024 06:50

Ells2024 · 18/12/2024 09:19

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

You don’t approach. You go through CMS. Then let’s see him not ignore the situation.

ChampagneLassie · 23/12/2024 07:20

this sounds weird but j wouldn’t jump to leaving if everything else is alright. I would be very blunt. Let’s talk about finances, I’m really struggling here I need you to contribute. And say however you think it should work. Ie do you want £2000 a month from him? Or a joint account? Or to share things proptionatly? It sounds like you struggle to vocalise things in which case I’d probably just opt for the first one - ie ask for certain figure each month. Does he think you’re still on full pay if baby only born Oct? Maybe your independent and that you didn’t ask for this before he thought this suited you (I’m giving benefit of doubt) I’m sure this might let him prompt wider conversation. If you still struggle suggest couples counselling to help you discuss.

Bluebellsparklypant · 23/12/2024 08:04

It’s amazing you e had a baby together yet you can’t talk about bills /money.

im not having a go just find these things odd, that you can share so much of life together yet not talk. It’s fine to bring it up and keep doing so until it’s settled. I don’t understand why he hasn’t stepped up yet to this?

Go for it OP talk to him and get it sorted Your savings are for your future !

Welshmonster · 23/12/2024 09:29

How are you even staying afloat on maternity pay? Go through expenses and he needs to pay or leave.

either way he needs to pay. How does he think it’s currently paid? By the fairies?

Jffs · 23/12/2024 09:34

“…or he can leave and pay you child maintenance, which you can apply for through the courts if needs be”

If only it was that easy. You don’t apply through the courts, you apply through the CMS which is incompetent. Getting to tribunal takes years. All these people saying to kick him out. Single parenthood is not easy and shouldn’t be a decision taken lightly. But he absolutely needs to cough up.

RachTheAlpaca · 23/12/2024 09:35

Honestly, more fool you for allowing this in the first place...

Why didn't you have this discussion BEFORE he moved in?

He wasn't raised right

poormenagain · 23/12/2024 09:48

It's not a question of "he pays or he goes". You may be so disgusted by his behaviour that you decide to end your relationship with him as partners, and/or to ask him to move out. That's your decision. But none of this changes the fact that he is responsible for 50% of the care of the child, both in terms of finances and of labour/presence/hands-on"parenting".

You can't force him to do the work, and it'll take time and effort to get the money if he's somehow decided that he's exempt for responsibilities. I'd still approach it as if you ASSUME he will do and pay his share for his child. Don't give him an option; force him to tell you (and everyone else) that he's decided to be a deadbeat dad, if that's indeed his choice. (And if it is, don't give up on getting what you're owed - if it were just the two of you I guess you could decide to be a martyr and suck it up, but the baby should be the focus at the moment.)

Griff1963 · 23/12/2024 13:18

Asked him to pay his way or leave! Simples!

Mrssnee16 · 23/12/2024 13:19

Tell him to man up, grow up, contribute or hes out. On that salery the child maintenance would be large

Oxforddictionary12 · 23/12/2024 13:21

I haven't read the entire thread but life is far to short to waste on someone that stingy. Stinginess and meanesss are the reddest of red flags. Find someone who will support you and do their share to provide for your family.

Widower2014 · 23/12/2024 13:21

Firstly you didn't unexpectedly get pregnant.
Secondly if he isn't on the lease or the bills and nothing in writing then you could be buggered. Tell him pay up or move out

Jolly29 · 23/12/2024 13:23

Listen Love! How nieve are you! You should of had all this planned out before he moved in & you having your baby!
You need to work out exactly what you have forked out to the penny! Half it then write a figure on a piece of paper and tell him that what he owes you and going forward he's to pay half of everything. If he doesn't agree to this then I say show him the door! The cheek of him.

Good luck x

Voneska · 23/12/2024 13:26

Hi, he's obviously not serious about contributing. Fortunately there are laws to protect families. There doesn't need to be animosity going on to ensure your child's wellbeing. You need to contact the Child Maintenance Service and begin a claim . This organisation is very vigorous and will ensure a Cash settlement for your child from the first day you claim. Should begin this process firstly in secret to give him ample opportunity to continue to reveal his true colours involving supporting you . Don't despair , thank me later!!!!

Jffs · 23/12/2024 13:36

"Hi, he's obviously not serious about contributing. Fortunately there are laws to protect families. There doesn't need to be animosity going on to ensure your child's wellbeing. You need to contact the Child Maintenance Service and begin a claim . This organisation is very vigorous and will ensure a Cash settlement for your child from the first day you claim. Should begin this process firstly in secret to give him ample opportunity to continue to reveal his true colours involving supporting you . Don't despair , thank me later!!!!"

This is for separated couples not for couples that live together!

LYLALOWE · 23/12/2024 14:24

Tell him an exact number you need. Work put your bills and give him an exact payment plan

NAY0110 · 23/12/2024 14:33

Stormyweatheroutthere · 18/12/2024 09:22

Suggest a joint account for bills... Obviously on maternity your contributions will be less than his...

This is a really good idea and what i had to end up doing.its worked wonders and we put the bills and rent into one account and have our own separate for our personal bills. Maybe try this

C152 · 23/12/2024 14:38

Oh no, OP. You are where I was some years ago, only I'd already made the mistake of marrying him. Sit down and work out all your outgoings including mortgage repayments; gas; electricity; water; tv licence; subscriptions like Netflex etc.; public transport costs and/or if you have a car, everything related to that, like insurance, MOTs, petrol etc.; toiletries; food and drink; and whatever you need for your baby - nappies, formula (if applicable), dummies, baby clothes etc. Don't forget pension contributions for yourself. Send him the spreadsheet and tell him clearly that this is the amount he needs to be paying until you return to work. At that point, you can re-evaluate based on whether you go back full time and what you are earning. (At that point, please split things proportionately according to earnings; don't agree to 50:50 unless you both earn exactly the same.)

Also, if you haven't done so already, make sure you have signed up to child benefit.

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit

Child Benefit

Child Benefit - child benefit rates, eligibility, how to claim, child benefit claim form CH2.

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit

JollyZebra · 23/12/2024 14:59

What a shocker, and you with his new baby!!
Tell him you can't afford to keep him and he must pay X amount (you need to calculate this on your own).
If he won't give you his bank details tell him to leave and you'll have to claim child support.
He's a freeloader, he's not likely to stick around so cut your losses.

MILLYmo0se · 23/12/2024 15:11

Ask him was he raised to be a leech or was that something he earned later in life?

Swipe left for the next trending thread