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Original poster

Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

445 replies

Ells2024 · 18/12/2024 09:19

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

OP posts:

peachystormy · 19/12/2024 19:43

I don't think I could continue to be in a relationship with someone like this.

Newoxonbird · 19/12/2024 19:48

It's sad that you've chosen to actually have a baby with someone you clearly don't know , and are agonising about having to approach him about something which should never have even been up for discussion.
Get rid of him.

TheMamaYo · 19/12/2024 19:50

Have you spoken to him? Has he agreed to a fair and equal share of the financial responsibility and agreed to pay you back for the last few months of not contributing?

BlueFlowers5 · 19/12/2024 19:50

Change the locks. It's his baby too.

Caselgarcia · 19/12/2024 19:52

How did you get to the stage of letting him move in, have a baby with him, but feel 'awkward' about asking him to pay his way?

RobinEllacotStrike · 19/12/2024 19:54

Oh dear op. It's sounds like you've been snared by a very wealthy cocklodger. They are even worse than the skint ones.

Lavenderflower · 19/12/2024 19:55

I don't think you need to speak him about it. I think you need to ask him to leave - he knows he should be contributing.

cocog · 19/12/2024 20:00

Figure out half utility bills or what you want him to pay hand it to him with your bank details on and ask him to set up direct debit for his next payday because he’s been there ages and your not up for draining your savings to pay for his living expenses.

Gremlins101 · 19/12/2024 20:08

This is horrific. I'd honestly just tell him you're not paying them any longer.

Endofyear · 19/12/2024 20:26

Give him the bills and tell him to pay them! It's ridiculous that you're hesitant to broach the subject. You're both living there and he needs to contribute his fair share. He also should be contributing to the cost of having a baby which includes subsidising your income while you are on maternity leave. You need to sort this out now and don't let it continue.

Bowies · 19/12/2024 20:32

Either contribute and backdate for the months he’s been living there or he goes.

Child Maintenance claim.

He’s well paid and taking the piss.

StrikeForever · 19/12/2024 20:39

I’m glad to read that you are now determined to deal with this situation. I’m frankly stunned that you allowed the situation to start and then to continue 😳

Alpinesnoozer · 19/12/2024 20:50

I guess he is thinking - well she lived alone before me and paid all the bills so why should I cover all those when she did before?

You are a now a family and he can't see that everything has changed forever for you and this includes your financial outlays. This doesn't bode well.

PeepDeBeaul · 19/12/2024 21:16

Go through your bank statements since March. Create a spreadsheet itemizing every spend that should have been shared (bills, rent, baby stuff, household items, food etc). Split the total in half. Now look at how much of the day he spends caring for the baby, vs how much you do. Take the difference in hours and multiply that by 11 (£11 per hour for childcare). Then write him up an invoice in Word for the total amount, attaching the spreadsheet with the itemization in it. Explain that his monthly contribution will be 1/6 of that value dropping to 1/12th once the "debt" built up since March is cleared. Note that he can reduce the value a bit but stepping up as a parent, and reducing your childcare hours by upping his.

If he finds that unreasonable, leave him, coz he's a freeloader.
If he's a reasonable man, he will set up a direct debit and parent more to get this straightened out.

Deeperthantheocean · 19/12/2024 21:27

Right sweetheart, now we've established you need to pay your fair share, how much will you be transferring into my account each month? Or would you prefer a new joint account? I don't mind either, your choice. Xx

tommyhoundmum · 19/12/2024 21:34

I am sorry to read that your baby's father is not man enough to pay his way in his family.

You may have to ask him to leave, Even if he pays he will resent it.

harrietm87 · 19/12/2024 21:38

To be fair to OP, she’s got a tiny baby - 2 months old max? So hasn’t been on mat leave long and will have been adjusting to motherhood.

I can see how, when she was pregnant but still working, the insanity of the situation wasn’t as glaringly obvious as it is now.

@Ells2024 I hope you’ve managed to speak to him and it’s gone well - please do update!

wakijaki09 · 19/12/2024 21:39

OP...you have to ask him to split everything in half with you especially if he's earning so much. If not he HAS to go!
I have previous with this as I've always rushed into moving partners in to MY home and more often than not ending up paying for most or all of everything.
When my current partner moved in the same pattern emerged as he wasn't working at the time and my adult son lived here too.
After many discussions we agreed to split things 3 ways as he said he wouldn't subsidize my DS which I thought was fair enough. Now my DS has moved in to his own place and we have a joint account set up for bills and food.
You need to write down everything you are paying out at the moment..rent/mortgage, utilities, house insurance ect and average weekly food bill..anything you spend on your DD
Write it all down and give it to him and say he needs to pay HALF (at least) as you can't afford to keep him.
If he doesn't agree...then show him the door as this will go on for as long as you let it and it will badly affect your DD in the long run

Havinganamechange · 19/12/2024 22:10

Email him/whatsapp him with a list of bills for the month confirming his 50% share and giving your bank details asking him to transfer in the next few days. If he doesn’t then ask him to leave.

Ewg9 · 19/12/2024 22:17

You should ask him for backpay and get out of him what he owes you for his half! Maternity pay isn't necessarily very much and you shouldn't been using your savings! He should be supporting you and YOUR baby. Really sorry for you in this situation, have you spoken to your family about this? I would seek support from them, To be caring for a little one and the finances on your own is alot. His immaturity and lack of responsibility would be grounds to leave/kick him out, shocking it has gone on and he's just taken advantage.

DecafDodger · 19/12/2024 22:20

why would he need to pay only 50% of bills, that's not fair. What about the rest of living and DD cost? and the fact that OP is on maternity leave, taking care of joint child.

Dingalingping · 19/12/2024 22:48

To me, at the moment you should not even be splitting the bills - but actually more than that, he should be paying most of them as you are now on a reduced maternity pay. You need to tell him that you are really struggling financially and that since you have supported him for the best part of a year by paying all the bills, you now need him to do this while you are on reduced pay. And that when you return to work again, of course you can look to sort out how to split the bills more evenly, at that point.

My husband and I have a joint account for all household bills including food / cleaning supplies etc as well as the usual home insurance, mortgage council tax etc.

good luck, let us know how you get on. If he intends to leave you are still entitled to child maintenance, which I think is roughly 25% of their wage, from what I’ve been told anyway.

Baili · 19/12/2024 23:03

You have worked hard, bought your own place and also managed to get some money saved. Well done, you! You’re clearly a bit of a grafter. I think this is why we are all getting a bit wound up on your behalf - to see you get cheated this way by a man with more money than principles, who thinks nothing of robbing your nest egg. Please be kind to yourself, get your money back, then get rid of him. His behaviour this year is merely the shape of things to come

Lilywc · 20/12/2024 00:04

Change the locks

OhcantthInkofaname · 20/12/2024 02:53

No update? He should repay you for what you have spent out of savings?

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