Boyfriend not contributing to bills, how do I approach the subject?

[Ells2024]

My boyfriend moved in in March 2024, we unexpectedly found ourself pregnant and had a bit of a turbulent time at the beginning on deciding what to do. Fast forward we have a beautiful little boy who was born in October, I’m currently not working (Mat leave, statutory pay only) and I am covering the bills using this and my savings. My boyfriend earns just below 100k and isn’t contributing to anything, maybe just pays for the odd food shop. I tired to speak to him 3 times about the bills by asking to have a conversation, he agrees and then we never actually sit down. He hasn’t offered to contribute and now I just feel awkward brining it up again. How do I approach this subject again ?

He's taking the piss

He was renting his own place before he moved in with op so he knows exactly about rent and bills etc. Plus he earns good money so is obviously an intelligent person. It’s not like an 18 year old leaving for uni for the first time. He is choosing not to contribute. Good luck op but I would be surprised if he changed enough for you.

Did you talk to him op?

If he earns that much, he should be paying ALL the bills while you are on maternity leave, and giving you spending money for yourself and the baby on top, that's shocking! You can't possibly survive on statutory maternity pay? Why are you using your savings, what if he leaves?!!

I would check the legalities about whether he can claim a financial stake in your home if he is paying money that goes towards the mortgage. I don't know if you need a rent book or similar but you may need some documentation to show the money is for living expenses and for the care of his child. Unfortunately I don't know much about it but hopefully someone else on Mumsnet does.

Gosh there’s some greedy bastards out there

Ask him to move out or tell him he owes you at least 5k in back payments

Is he going to pay half the nursery bills? He will be expecting you to go back to work since he is so tight!

Dear OP - good luck with everything! I hope you get everything that you need

Tell him to pay NOW or leave. No way should any partner, in a minimum wage job even, not pay a contribution towards everything household. Why have you let a man on 100K live free with you for nearly 10 months?! How could any partner, male or female, not start contributing equally when they move in with their partner? Has he bought anything for HIS baby at all? This man is one huge red flag!!🚩

You shouldn’t even have to have this conversation in the first place. He is totally freeloading. Just pack his bags and tell him that you no longer can afford to keep him as you are now providing for his son. Perhaps he will gets the message,end off. I know this sounds drastic , but having a nice chat with him won’t work in the long term as he may pay for a while then forget or make excuses. Don’t get put on as you sound like a lovely person you obviously let him get away with all this time. I do understand that you don’t want to loose him. but he does earn a pretty good wage he should have put his hands in his pocket as soon as he was living with you.. I take it that to be earning that sort of money that he must be a very intelligent person so he should know better. So don’t pussy foot around.

Stop pussy footing around him and tell him either he coughs up and pays his way or he moves out as financially you are not in a position to cover his bills. Point out if he does not give you x amount per month he needs to be out ASAP and you will be claiming maintenance. Unless his got serious outgoings or an addiction to be blowing his cash then he must have plenty spare and needs to support his child.

Please take this seriously don’t let him wiggle out of it. Do not open a joint account with this arsehole, he needs to pay you rent no contributions towards bills an overall amount every month for bills otherwise it’s entitled to half your house. Be really careful voice of experience here 30 years of a guy who I didn’t marry I paid for everything he lived in my house then he stole from me via my joint account with him,
sorry op but he’s using you , his money is his yours is his
get rid or set your boundaries and be very firm
I’m very sorry for you
this just is so wrong

List the monthly outgoings (minus the mortgage, I think you need to keep that as just yours so there's no ambiguity over ownership) and then tell him that you can't cover these bills by yourself and say he has to contribute half, as you are a family now, and he has to pay his share.

If he refuses, show him the door and contact the CMS.

In my calculations you were pregnant before you moved him in March baby born October were you aware when he moved in in March. And more important was he. He is planning very well don’t you think

You shouldn’t feel awkward at all. You just need to say to him that you need to have a sit down about the finances and agree what contribution he should be making going forward for household bill and decide together how you pay for your child going forward. Say to him it’s either that night or the next night. No excuses. If you don’t get anywhere then on the next day pack up all his things, put them outside the front door and keep the doors locked. Send him a message saying you aren’t willing to have him freeloading off you. Don’t let him move in without a conversation and direct debits / money being transferred etc. Then if it’s over, apply for child support that you are due.

It’s hard because you love him and you are in the middle of it all but he is taking advantage of you big time here and he’s not stepping up at all. You need to think about the long term and if you want to be in the same boat in a years, 5 years, 10 years time.

Write down your monthly bills, divide by two and sit down with him and say ok, this is what your half of the bills are from this day forwards. I need you to either pay your half into my account every month, or you’ll have to find somewhere else to live.

Why on earth have you been using your savings instead of speaking to him about his contribution to your young family????

There's lots good here, you don't know why he hasn't been more forthcoming but that might be awkwardness too. I'd simply ask 'can we sit down, maybe tonight, and talk about finances, because mine used to be the same as yours, but now we've had the baby, I don't have the same any more, we have expenses for the baby, and we have rent and living expenses. If he's reluctant to sit down, I would follow up with I am financially vulnerable here and I am starting to feel resentment, I want to sort it out so we are on a solid footing going forward. His reaction to a reasonable and assertive statement will tell you what you need to know.

Can’t help wondering how he is with sharing the household chores. And nappy changes….

I think meanness with money is like an illness. The more a mean person gets away with the more they try it on and the worse they get. In my experience once a mean person, always a mean person.

You sound lovely and you deserve so much better.

You’re spot on there. Short arms, long pockets. He’s living rent free and saving a truckload.

Sorry but if he was any kind of a man he'd have INSISTED he paid his way, in fact more than his way. He should be financially supporting you and the baby , he can well afford it. Anyone who can be so utterly mean with money is not going to change. He's a red flag with bells on.
He's let you dip into your savings to pay the bills ???? I actually cannot believe you've let it get this far.
I could not be with such a freeloading pisstaker.
I wouldn't even bother having a conversation with him about money now.
It's gone way past that......he's shown you who he is.
Tell him he has 1 week to find somewhere else or you're binbagging him and changing the locks.
What a 24 carat arsehole.

Utter prick. He should be supporting you.

He pays or he leaves.

'do you want my bank details to set up a standing order? Send me £1000 please.'

Hi OP, very similar happened to me. I got pregnant by mistake with a casual boyfriend and decided to keep the baby (actually he emotionally blackmailed me into keeping the baby, glad I did, but it was emotional blackmail).

He was earning decent money but refused to pay for ANYTHING once I had my son. I paid for everything from my savings, I kicked him out when my son was five months old. It was lonely but soooo much easier than being with an emotionally and financially abusive cocklodger. He was also a damaged personality and I had to call the police when I asked him to leave as he then became violent. Good luck. I understand how it happened.

This 💯