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Original poster

He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

312 replies

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 15:19

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/10/2024 20:00

category12 · 02/10/2024 19:09

OP says they discussed and agreed for her to go part-time.

I don't know why people are making out that she decided it unilaterally and is imposing on him.

If he wasn't on board, he shouldn't have encouraged it.

Show quote history

I wouldn't say people are "making out" so much as wondering
After all we all self edit, naturally we can't know his side of the story, and it appears that OP's perhaps not too keen on posters suggesting it's up to her to take responsibility for herself

In the end none of us can know what's gone on behind closed doors, which is why I wouldn't want to assume that OP's in it for his money or that he's the selfish bastard some are painting him as

Opentooffers · 02/10/2024 20:01

First off, is he paying half the rent and bills, utilities? If not start there. Next up, he can totally FO with his suggestion that you go part time in the name of housework. Nope, he pulls his weight with housework- or maybe he needs part time if he can't cope with that?

Newmumburnout · 02/10/2024 20:01

I seem to be going against the grain here. It doesn't matter that they are not married or if her son is his also. After 3 years they are in a commited relationship and to me that's the same as being married. If they live together and she is cleaning their house, walking their dog, picking up ( yes her son ) their son that they look after together. They agreed together for her to go PT then their household funds should be shared and she should not be left like she is. As this Is not the case... You need to get back to FT and not rely on him.

eatreadsleeprepeat · 02/10/2024 20:05

If the agreement was that you should go part time to allow you to take on more family and house things then I would expect him to recognise that you will be not bringing in so much money and he will need to contribute more of that. Missing payments and incurring interest is an inefficient way of managing money. If he wants this arrangement then he has to recognise that you are a team and work together and manage money together, he doesn’t get to pick and choose what it is spent on.
I would want a lot clearer communication before marrying or becoming dependent.

HollyKnight · 02/10/2024 20:07

Did you not discuss money during the talk about going part-time?

Gowlett · 02/10/2024 20:07

Going part-time won’t work fir you.

Chowtime · 02/10/2024 20:09

Regardless of whose fault it is, this isn't working.

Either go back to work full time, or ask him to leave.

Isn't having him live with you supposed to make your life easier?

TheAlchemy · 02/10/2024 20:11

Why are women out here just making themselves financially vulnerable and beholden to men that are not married to?

This whole situation is nuts. You should never have agreed to go part time. Can’t keep up with your housework? Get a cleaner! Can’t walk your dog? Get a dog walker. Do not go part time and become financially reliant upon a guy you’ve been with for what really is a hot minute in the grand scheme of things. I’ve had knickers for longer than you’ve been in this relationship.

Get back to work full time and start getting your independence back.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 02/10/2024 20:11

I think it would be kind and loving of DP to lend you the money, interest-free, to pay off your debts, and that it would be respectful of you to pay him back as soon as you can manage it. This might involve working longer hours and the two of you need to talk about how that would work in terms of your childcare and the housework (which ought to be a joint commitment). It is a miserable situation that you are so worried about money while he has plenty. You aren't married or joint parents, but you are supposedly a couple who share problems as well as good stuff.

Pickle991 · 02/10/2024 20:11

If a man truly loves you and he can fix what is a stressful situation for you, then he would. That’s it really it’s that simple.

Ohnobackagain · 02/10/2024 20:13

@BeMellowDreamer you need to dump him. And let him take the dog and he can get lost, seriously. You might have to go back to full time but seriously, HE is the problem not you; he’s taking the mick!

MorvernBlack · 02/10/2024 20:13

nootcoffee · 02/10/2024 19:01

i’d be saying to him don’t have kids with her

Currently he has no children and works full time

Show quote history

And he pays £600 pm for bed, board, being waited on, his dog walked (no, that's not a euphemism!). I'd say there's only one person taking advantage and it's not the OP.

BettyBardMacDonald · 02/10/2024 20:13

Pickle991 · 02/10/2024 20:11

If a man truly loves you and he can fix what is a stressful situation for you, then he would. That’s it really it’s that simple.

If he's invested the money it might not be a simple matter to pull it out of the accounts.

Presumably a magic leprechaun didn't make the money appear; he has worked years for it and saved, while OP has made other life choices. I don't blame him for wanting to safeguard it.

It does seem that he could pay more monthly; what is market rent for a shared house in that area? But I think the best move would be to get a FT job and kick him out; be self-reliant. Date but don't play families until one is on firm ground financially and the child is older. Rehome the dog.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 02/10/2024 20:14

You don't share finances, so you can't afford to go part time - no matter how much your 'D'P wants the housework done. I'd say you need a full time job until you're married/fully sharing finances and then you can reassess. However ...

He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful

Because of this I'd reassess right now. Big red flag.

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 20:14

Sounds like a situationship. Are you expecting changes when you are married? Why are you doing all the work with the dog and son? This man is living in your house and benefiting from it - saving even. He doesn't sound like a partner at all.

Pickle991 · 02/10/2024 20:15

The money itself is a bit of a red herring in all of this.
as I said, he can see you’re in distress, can easily fix it and isn’t.
he doesn’t love you, sorry. This is not a partnership.

Dweetfidilove · 02/10/2024 20:19

As I've said on MN a million times, @BeMellowDreamer , there is zero point in struggling in a relationship with a man who is doing well for himself.

Throw the man out and struggle by yourself. At least then you do not had the address stress of watching him thrive, while you're broke and seething.

You cannot afford to be part time while in this situationship. End the relationship, claim the requisite disability benefits for your son, universal credit if entitled and build your life from there.

Any man that watches you struggle whilst he's okay, is not a good man.

MangoRose · 02/10/2024 20:26

Pickle991 · 02/10/2024 20:15

The money itself is a bit of a red herring in all of this.
as I said, he can see you’re in distress, can easily fix it and isn’t.
he doesn’t love you, sorry. This is not a partnership.

Exactly this, who would see someone they love struggle.

Nastyaa · 02/10/2024 20:27

He agreed it would be beneficial for you to go part time which means he must have realised you would need to lean on him a bit financially? He's now denying you his resources. If you had quit your job and asked for help I would understand, but you lost your job & both agreed you would work part time. There are many angles to this - one being is he abusive? Is it your house or his? We need more context to make a proper judgement OP.

Bs0u416d · 02/10/2024 20:29

Sympathies OP that you're feeling up against it. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you can afford to go part time. You say DP has a lot of money but you live in a very cheap rental and cannot afford to move? He might have more money than you but he does not sound well off. It's also well and good that he wants you to go part time so that you can be more available for chores but this leaves you in a very vulnerable financial position, unless he is willing to financially compensate you for the lost income. If he cannot or will not fill the fiscal void created by your PT hours, then it's a no go and you need to sit down and have a good talk about your arrangement.

BlackShuck3 · 02/10/2024 20:30

Nastyaa · 02/10/2024 20:27

He agreed it would be beneficial for you to go part time which means he must have realised you would need to lean on him a bit financially? He's now denying you his resources. If you had quit your job and asked for help I would understand, but you lost your job & both agreed you would work part time. There are many angles to this - one being is he abusive? Is it your house or his? We need more context to make a proper judgement OP.

It does look somewhat as if he is deliberately setting her up.
Possibly he plans to wait wait until she's really in a mess and then offer her some sort of solution which involves him having his name on the deeds to the house?

TheBossOfMe · 02/10/2024 20:34

He wants you to work PT so the housework is done? Really? Come on, you know he’s a dick.

waterygrave · 02/10/2024 20:35

Maybe he feels strongly that you should budget better and not rely on a man “to save you from financial ruin”

Many partners “love you, but not your debts.”

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2024 20:40

Marriage isn’t the holy grail. Men should (and do - most men) treat you with consideration when you are living together in a committed relationship. So I agree OP, just because you don’t have that piece of paper saying you’re married, you can still help each other out, work as a team, make plans to benefit you both.

Sid077 · 02/10/2024 20:41

I was in a similar situation a long time ago, no children but in a 5+ yrs what I thought was a committed relationship but to him it was committed only as long as it was easy for him with no problems. like yours he was happy to go along and say he supported whatever decision was made but when it came to financial support / any emotional support there just wasn’t any there regardless of what he said. Please don’t waste any more years with a person who is not committed to you in any real way. All the best.