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He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

312 replies

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 15:19

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2024 20:41

Nastyaa · 02/10/2024 20:27

He agreed it would be beneficial for you to go part time which means he must have realised you would need to lean on him a bit financially? He's now denying you his resources. If you had quit your job and asked for help I would understand, but you lost your job & both agreed you would work part time. There are many angles to this - one being is he abusive? Is it your house or his? We need more context to make a proper judgement OP.

Op’s already said the house is rented, and in her name.

5128gap · 02/10/2024 20:45

I wouldn't want to be with someone who watched me cry over financial stress, while bragging about their money and kept me on a string 'thinking about' helping me. Your partner is a nasty man on a power trip. I wouldn't want to be with someone who chose to work part time and expected me to subsidise them and their child either though. So my advice to you is ditch your partner, find your independence and go into any future relationship on an equal footing so you can't be on the receiving end of anyone's power play again.

TheBossOfMe · 02/10/2024 20:50

Ignore the arseholes with basic comprehension issues OP. You have a classic cocklodger who is desperate to keep you in your place. Get rid asap. He’s never going to be a good partner.

TheBossOfMe · 02/10/2024 20:52

If I’ve understood your posts correctly - he contributes £600 pm in total for all costs including food and bills? Taking the absolute piss.

GivingitToGod · 02/10/2024 20:55

Hatty65 · 02/10/2024 15:32

You are not married. You are a single parent. You cannot afford to live on part time work.

That's the reality of life. Start looking for a full time job, because you need one. And don't ever rely on someone else to keep you.

Wise advice

PrettyPickle · 02/10/2024 20:55

You are a couple, you live together and you have gone part time with his knowledge and pre-agreement? When this decision was made, surely finances were discussed, who did you both think was going to supplement your much reduced income to cover your bills? You must have done the maths and realised the situation, what did he say at that time.

Who pays the rent and bills, how is it split? As a family you can't afford to move but he is bragging about this investments for the future (presumably in his name) whilst you are in increasing debt? Am I also wrong in thinking the rent is in your name only? It sounds a bit manipulative to me.

Part of me thinks it sounds like you were struggling looking after your child whilst working full time and its not his kid. But then part of me says that if you are living together as a family unit, it does not bode well for the future that he does not see this as a joint financial responsibility and then if it alleviates your partner from certain duties (housework and dog walking), this is a benefit to him that you are paying for by losing your part of your income???

When I first moved in with my partner (now husband), we opened a joint account and each put money in there each month to cover stuff. He was on a much higher income than me. So we added up our combined income, confirmed what percentage was contributed by him, so say we earned £100,000 between us, he earned £70K and me £30K (income can be for paid work, maintenance. benefit etc) , he paid 70% of our living expenses and I paid 30% in line with our income. So say our living expenses (rent, utilities, food, present fund, holiday fund, insurances etc) came to £2k per month, he put £1400 (70%) in the joint account and I put in £600 (30%).

For those saying he owes her nothing - I beg to differ. Once you make the decision to move in together, when a child is included in that family unit, that new adult must take on a parental role, if they doesn't you shouldn't be with them, as the child's welfare is paramount and this includes financial responsibility.

If you were a single parent, and had to go part time due to your child's struggles, you would get benefit (depending on your income) and presumably your partners income would rule this out.

Despite all of the above, if it was genuinely a mutual decision for you to go part time, then his contribution to the household finances should have increased. I'm sorry but he is not coming across as a man I would want to marry if he sees him self financially independent of you and your child.

GivingitToGod · 02/10/2024 21:02

Pickle991 · 02/10/2024 20:11

If a man truly loves you and he can fix what is a stressful situation for you, then he would. That’s it really it’s that simple.

Agree entirely. OP will end up feeling really resentful which is corrosive

Mamaghanouch · 02/10/2024 21:08

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 16:53

The reason I mention the dog is because WE got her and she is 18 months old now and he has maybe walked her 5 times without me. She is a big active girl yet it has fallen on me ! Sorry I’m such a cocklodging fanny twat tenant and have royally ruined your day for being upset and asking for advice/opinions.

Lose this partner. He sounds mean. If he is stingy with money, I bet he is also mean in the love and care he has to offer you.

What he pays for is his business, though it is yours to decide if he good enough for you and your son. Sounds to me like losing him, you will have one less to take care of.

For PP saying that it's her son not his and that she is a single parent, well that's what blended families are for. My stepmum took care of me as much as my dad, and later on, was more present for me with advice than both my parents as she had a bit more of a neutral position. If this man was worth it, he'd be stepping to help his partner and her son because he considers them family. He clearly doesn't so he's one to put back in the sea.

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 21:10

He won't find anywhere else with all his bills paid and meals on the table for £600. He'd be lucky to get a room in a shared house.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/10/2024 21:11

He wants and enjoys you being helpless/needy/needing him/vulnerable. It makes him feel powerful, successful and smart. He would have known you'd be in trouble financially by reducing/stopping work. You now see him for who he is. Controlling. Set yourself up to leave.

StormingNorman · 02/10/2024 21:12

OP I said you are being taken for a ride because you have effectively become the cleaner, except he’s not paying for your time.

His life has become easier and it’s cost him nothing. That’s not a partnership and you are doing more than your fair share.

Did you discuss finances when you discussed going PT? If you discussed going PT without agreeing he would give you an income or upweighting his share of the bills, then all you did was suggest relieving him of housework and he (unsurprisingly) agreed.

If he is t going to share his monet then you need to go back to work full time.

Chaiilatte · 02/10/2024 21:12

I'm with you op. He sounds selfish and mean. I wouldn't even consider marrying a man who could so easy watch me struggling and crying over finances. I'm not saying op shouldn't work again and rely on him solely, before anyone comes for me. But for a man to see his partner in a shit situation, who is very much capable of helping, but rather sits their shrugging is just miserly. Especially when you've been with him for 3 years!

Chaiilatte · 02/10/2024 21:13

Don't lift a finger for him again OP. He does jack shit to support you. Do not clean or cook for this man. He's taking you for a ride.

Cocoalover · 02/10/2024 21:16

I'd been with my partner for less than a year when he paid off a small debt for me. I didn't ask him, I never would have asked him. He could see it was bothering me. He bought me a car last year, again, I didn't ask. He brought my son up with me. He bought him anything he needed, and I didn't ask for a single thing. He didn't have to do those things. He did because he loves me, and he loves my son. I'd be reconsidering your relationship if he's willing to see you struggle. Not even a small contribution to help ease your stress? That's not how it should be. You should be a team. Marriage will only get worse. Huge red flag

AmberAlert86 · 02/10/2024 21:19

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 16:53

The reason I mention the dog is because WE got her and she is 18 months old now and he has maybe walked her 5 times without me. She is a big active girl yet it has fallen on me ! Sorry I’m such a cocklodging fanny twat tenant and have royally ruined your day for being upset and asking for advice/opinions.

Sounds like your BF is not pulling his weight domestically! That definitely needs to change! You git the dog together, he needs to look after it too! Does the BF have any redeeming qualities?
Regarding finances - if I was him I wouldn't rush out to pay off your debts. You are not married and having been together for 3 years does not count for much these days. Were your debts accrued before you met him, or after?

Dennaes · 02/10/2024 21:20

This is a man who is using you.
He is not a good man.
He doesn't care about you.
He is saving for himself and making a fool of you.
I am so sorry.
Get him out.
Get back to work.
He is living off you.

Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.

Aria999 · 02/10/2024 21:29

If it was your DP's idea to go part time did you not discuss money as part of that conversation?

DP; why don't you go part time?

OP; we have separate finances and I can't afford it based on my share of our outgoings

DP; ...?

Acornsoup · 02/10/2024 21:38

A lot of people would call this financial coercive abuse OP.

ManhattanPopcorn · 02/10/2024 21:38

He wants you to go part time to make his life easier but now you and your child have to live off that part time wage while your partner reaps the benefits of your housework without any consequences for him.

Yes you're being taken for a ride.

You need to work full time and he needs to pull his weight at home.

Josette77 · 02/10/2024 21:51

You are a single mom you need to work full time.

It shouldn't take long to clean up after two adults and a 13 yo. Between the three of you it should be easy.

He's not going to change. I think you need to move on

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/10/2024 21:57

Why are women out here just making themselves financially vulnerable and beholden to men that are not married to?

God knows, @TheAlchemy - though FWIW I wouldn't be beholden to someone I was married to either - but it seems to happen all the time

As for all the suggestions that "if he really loved her he'd pay", we've all seen what happens on here when it's a man who tries that line; they get their arses handed to them, and rightly so

Caddycat · 02/10/2024 22:03

If you decided together that you should go part time, then you are in it together.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 02/10/2024 22:21

It's his cash and he doesn't have to part with it. You need to get back working full time and build your own independence. I hope your financial issues work out soon for you. Good luck.

category12 · 02/10/2024 22:29

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/10/2024 21:57

Why are women out here just making themselves financially vulnerable and beholden to men that are not married to?

God knows, @TheAlchemy - though FWIW I wouldn't be beholden to someone I was married to either - but it seems to happen all the time

As for all the suggestions that "if he really loved her he'd pay", we've all seen what happens on here when it's a man who tries that line; they get their arses handed to them, and rightly so

It's not really a case of "being beholden to" though is it, in a real partnership?

If you're life partners and one of you loses a job, or gets ill and can't work, or suffers some sort of misfortune, then the other one takes up the slack if they can while they get back on their feet. And vice versa. You do it because you see your futures and your lives entwined, and you don't like to see them in a mess, and they would help you if you needed it.

If you're just two ruthlessly independent individuals who will watch each other sink, what's the point of being together?

BlackShuck3 · 02/10/2024 22:51

I think he's a lodger for whom you are domestic slave and provider of sex. He's keeping up a pretense that he might marry you to keep you sweet so that you don't turn the taps off⛲