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Original poster

He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

312 replies

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 15:19

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

OP posts:
nootcoffee · 02/10/2024 16:03

yeesh · 02/10/2024 16:02

You would be mad to go part time when you are this financially vulnerable.

too late
she did
dogs to walk

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 16:05

Go back to working full time and ensure he does his share of the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc and walking the dog if it's a shared dog. It can't take you that long to help your child with homework.

If it was him who suggested you go part time to get him out of doing any housework then he shouldn't be allowing you to struggle financially because you going part time is beneficial to him. If this is the case then this man isn't a partner. If he does intend to marry you he isn't exactly demonstrating how he will be a supportive husband and work as a team. You're leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position by not working full time and getting into debt. Who's house are you currently living in? Do you own property?

GoldOrca · 02/10/2024 16:05

He sounds awful. He'd let the woman he loves fall into poverty while bragging about his investments? I don't understand why people are calling you a cocklodger, and being married doesn't immediately change whether you treat someone well or not. He should be looking after you.

howshouldibehave · 02/10/2024 16:12

Whether he’s awful or not awful, it doesn’t really matter. The OP going part time at work makes her incredibly vulnerable financially.

Whether he is awful or not, the OP would be very wise to go back to work full time asap. Being financially dependant on anyone (awful or not awful) can be very difficult.

DoreenonTill8 · 02/10/2024 16:13

Gosh....imagine an easy fix and pp functioning like many, many adults do by taking on personal responsibility for her debt with a ft job?

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 16:13

Apotofgold · 02/10/2024 15:45

No idea why he encouraged you to go part time.

Either way it’s clearly not a smart move - unless you have childcare issues or reasons other than walking the dog and taking your kids to clubs I think you had better remain in full-time work.

Perhaps you can revisit it in the future if and when you are married and have a child with him.

Also you say he wants to marry you, and you’ve been together 3.5 years . So are you even engaged?

Does your child’s father pay maintenance ?

Could be a control thing. He gets all his meals cooked for him, his clothes washed and house cleaned whilst keeping her in a vulnerable position so it's difficult for her to leave. Men do this all the time and women are silly enough to fall for it. 3.5 years together and they're not even engaged. He says he wants to marry her but he could just be future faking. If he's not willing to help out his struggling partner now with "his" money it's unlikely he's going to get married and risk losing half of "his" money of they ever split.

Or, OP could be the one taking the piss and he can see right thought it and doesn't want to just bail her out because she can't be arsed working full time.

Either way, I'd say this relationship is doomed as they clearly are incapable of working as a team and truly being partners.

Schoolrefusa · 02/10/2024 16:15

When you say we decided you'd go PT was it your idea or his? Though either way I would go back to full time so you can meet bill payments - especially with your DS to be responsible for .
I get the niggle that your partner could help but equally I'd be surprised if he was really genuinely keen for you to go PT as he isn't exactly treating his money as shared money .

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 02/10/2024 16:15

How do you manage your finances generally? Do you own or rent? What proportion of the bills do you each pay?

I couldn't see my partner getting into financial difficulties whilst I sat around counting my piles of cash.

DaisyChain505 · 02/10/2024 16:17

It’s a tricky one. You’re not married and this isn’t his son.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 02/10/2024 16:18

He's not in this with you.

I'd leave him. Now.

ManchesterLu · 02/10/2024 16:18

Sorry but why should he subsidise you because you want to work part time? Surely you should work full time until you clear your debts, and THEN think about reducing your hours? I assume you coped fine with the dog before?

Tbh there's no way I could sit by and watch my partner struggle if I could put things right, but I feel like you can put it right yourself too.

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 16:21

GoldOrca · 02/10/2024 16:05

He sounds awful. He'd let the woman he loves fall into poverty while bragging about his investments? I don't understand why people are calling you a cocklodger, and being married doesn't immediately change whether you treat someone well or not. He should be looking after you.

Being married isn't going to make someone treat you better but it does give some financial security. Currently he could chuck her out (if it's his house) and she'd be homeless, jobless and in debt. If they were married she'd have a bit more security. Before my DH and I got married we had joint finances and it was never my money and his money. He's never have seen me struggle and vice versa. Yes, technically this man has no obligation to her financially but it doesn't bode well for a future marriage.

GoldOrca · 02/10/2024 16:22

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 16:21

Being married isn't going to make someone treat you better but it does give some financial security. Currently he could chuck her out (if it's his house) and she'd be homeless, jobless and in debt. If they were married she'd have a bit more security. Before my DH and I got married we had joint finances and it was never my money and his money. He's never have seen me struggle and vice versa. Yes, technically this man has no obligation to her financially but it doesn't bode well for a future marriage.

Show quote history

Ah yes, I only meant that he should want to help her out regardless, and that just because they aren't married that doesn't mean he doesn't owe her anything, as others are saying.

Apotofgold · 02/10/2024 16:23

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 16:13

Could be a control thing. He gets all his meals cooked for him, his clothes washed and house cleaned whilst keeping her in a vulnerable position so it's difficult for her to leave. Men do this all the time and women are silly enough to fall for it. 3.5 years together and they're not even engaged. He says he wants to marry her but he could just be future faking. If he's not willing to help out his struggling partner now with "his" money it's unlikely he's going to get married and risk losing half of "his" money of they ever split.

Or, OP could be the one taking the piss and he can see right thought it and doesn't want to just bail her out because she can't be arsed working full time.

Either way, I'd say this relationship is doomed as they clearly are incapable of working as a team and truly being partners.

Show quote history

I agree with all of this. I hadn’t initially picked up on the fact part of the stated reason for going part time was to do more housework.

But yeah it does seem like at least one of them - and not sure which - is taking the piss. Or maybe both of them are.

If Op does come back to the thread would be interesting to hear more details re. his claim of wanting to marry her considering they’ve been together close to 4 years and how they split household bills.

ruethewhirl · 02/10/2024 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That's a disgusting, and inaccurate, thing to say. OP has explained why she's looking to move to part time. She'll be doing things that benefit her DC and her home life. She's hardly talking about sitting on her backside watching Loose Women.

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 16:26

GoldOrca · 02/10/2024 16:22

Ah yes, I only meant that he should want to help her out regardless, and that just because they aren't married that doesn't mean he doesn't owe her anything, as others are saying.

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Exactly. Honestly, if my friend was crying every night because of debts and I had the money to help I would do it. It wouldn't even have to be a partner. I've actually done this before. It was only £500 but it made such a difference to her and she just paid me back when she was back on her feet.

GoldOrca · 02/10/2024 16:27

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 16:26

Exactly. Honestly, if my friend was crying every night because of debts and I had the money to help I would do it. It wouldn't even have to be a partner. I've actually done this before. It was only £500 but it made such a difference to her and she just paid me back when she was back on her feet.

Show quote history

I completely agree, and would do the same!

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/10/2024 16:39

Get another job quick
Earn your own money
Run your own life
Pay your way
Pay for your own child
Be financially independent
Never rely on anyone else
Don't be a fannylodger

DoreenonTill8 · 02/10/2024 16:39

@ruethewhirl That's a disgusting, and inaccurate, thing to say. OP has explained why she's looking to move to part time. She'll be doing things that benefit her DC and her home life. She's hardly talking about sitting on her backside watching Loose Women.
Where did I relate that to the OP?
You're the one who's linked to her. I answered the question of female equivalent of cock-lodger.
Does the term 'cock lodger' disgust you too?

pictoosh · 02/10/2024 16:39

I think the same as a few others...you are not in a position to work part time. You can't afford it.
He isn't going to bail you out. I don't know that I would either.

Seems a really odd decision for either of you to come to.

unmemorableusername · 02/10/2024 16:43

He doesnt see you as a partner.

But your income & dc are your responsibility

Original poster
BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 16:46

To the two posters who have relentlessly commented nasty things, what are you gaining by calling me names when I’ve stated in my post I’m stressed and crying.. I hope you have a lovely day but I your input isn’t helpful.

To the others who have given polite opinions and advice, I thank you for being considerate.

I was working FT and with him WFH FT, we still struggled with housework etc so yes DP wants me PT.

Why do I think I’m being taken for a ride? Since I”m such a cocklodger or twat tenant, please tell me if you could have a roof over your head which includes heating, electric, groceries and have the magical fairy clean your house, wash your clothes and cook you dinner for £600 a month. The house is a rental in my name only. My kid is 13 and awaiting diagnosis for ADHD and can’t organise anything to save his life, he can’t even get a bus alone so yes he needs extra help and I have to drive him to and from school and we are so rural there are no busses! We can’t afford to move though.

OP posts:
Timeforaglassofwine · 02/10/2024 16:48

I think you need an evaluation op. This isn't an equal relationship. If you aren't married you need to be contributing fairly to the household to cover the expenses for you and your dc. You need to have a think about whether you part own or part rent a home you can't afford, and down size according. Get payment plans in place for any outstanding debt - Citizens Advice will help with this. Make sure your dh is doing an equal share of house work, and get yourself financially secure again by getting back into full time work.

TheFirstSnow · 02/10/2024 16:48

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 15:19

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

If you are in it for life, then you are a partnership. When I was the higher earner(before we were married), my partner and I shared everything. Now he’s the higher earner (after marriage then kids) and we still share everything. I don’t understand this separation of finances that a lot of people have. I couldn’t stand it if my other half was in tears and stressed. If I had the power to fix it, I would—and I know my husband would do the same for me.
His reaction to your distress is alarming.

SilenceInside · 02/10/2024 16:53

It's a massive overreaction to look at part time work in order to keep on top of housework. There are so many options I'd look at before doing that. Between two adults, you should be able to keep on top of the basics, unless one of you isn't doing enough.

Am I right that your partner pays you £600 per month and that's his whole contribution to your household costs?