He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

[BeMellowDreamer]

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

I was working FT and with him WFH FT, we still struggled with housework etc so yes DP wants me PT.

OF course he does, because it's a win win for him. Not you. He gets to dump the home stuff on you AND continue to contribute fully to a pension AND protect himself and his income/assets in the process and not have to share them in the event you break up. OTOH, you're doing all the grunt work, NOT contributing fully to a pension and are NOT protected in the event you break up.

YOu're seeing what he's like now as he has plenty of money to spend on himself while happily watching you struggle AND clean his house and his clothes etc.

And he also gets to throw the heavy weight 'I earn all of the money' dialogue around.

I think the issue is decisions are being made as if you are a married couple and family unit, but when it comes down to it, he is not splitting the finances in a way that reflects this.

You will just have to tell him that you will be unable to go PT and do the lion's share of the housework etc as planned, as due to your financial situation you need to continue to work.

If he's not helping and picking up his equal share, I would take that as a sign that sadly the relationship from his end isn't as committed as it should be.

FWIW, my brother was in the position your partner is in. He is quite selfish and bachelor-y anyway, but I could also see his side. He really liked his ex, but he had gone from being a single childless young man, to a man supporting a family unit and household that wasn't his, and paying much more out. It was a commitment that in the end, he wasn't able to keep, and it didn't help that his partner struggled for work also.

I just think it might be one of those situations where objectively, it's not going to work out as he is going to be resentful of the level of commitment required, he's being cowardly and not biting the bullet and going all in which you will rightly become resentful of..... It might be best to realise this early on?

If not, he really needs to accept you are a family unit, and treat finances the same.

If he wants you to work part time so he doesn't have to do housework then he should be topping up your income. If he won't then go back to full time.

The child isn't his responsibility

Is he paying rent and bills?

This!

The bad thing here really is for all those women in partnerships, the fact the men don't see you ladies as wife material and a woman worthy to fight for and invest in your whole lives, kids and all

It's his money, and it's your problem. Get rid of the dog if you can't handle it, and the man!

You're getting a lot of flack OP. I think you're in a very vulnerable position and you need to sort it out quickly.

You are unmarried and your DS is not shared with your DP, so he actually has NO financial responsibility to either of you. I can't say that I'd go out of my way to help a partner financially because I believe we should all be independent, but the fact that he says the money is for both of you then withholds it is concerning.

From your posts, you are an unmarried single parent with a sole tenancy. Honestly, it sounds like he's the cocklodger. Does he pay rent? Is it proportional to your incomes? My ex had a DC and we split things 3:2 as he was an adult + DC and I was a single adult, and we earned the same.

It sounds like this guy is paying 1/2 rent, saving up and investing his disposable income, and is now suggesting that you lower your earning power (with NO security from him) to be a housekeeper. I would honestly ask him to move out. If he's the love of your life maybe you can stay together but with separate households and finances.

If you go PT, reduce your earnings, pay half of the rent & costs plus everything for your DS, you're going to be absolutely skint then he's going to say "I pay the rent, you'd be homeless without me".

Stay FT, get a single person discount on council tax, go on the entitled to website, Chase up DS's dad if he's not financially supporting DS. Your DP sounds like an active danger to your finances.

It sounds like the idea about going part time wasn’t properly discussed or thought through by either of you, so definitely shouldn’t form the basis of any big decisions. I presume the OP isn’t coming back now though.

I think the point is, when you discussed you would go P/t for your mutual benefit, you did not also discuss how finances would work for your mutual benefit. And it’s difficult to recover a bargaining position from where you are now. I think people are suggesting you have to regain your financial independence and if he dislikes the consequences he has to think how he’s going to contribute to your being part time, if he prefers it.

Sorry you are getting such a hard time OP.
Unless you have a child with a disability you don’t understand how mentally and physically exhausting it can be.
Your DP is not being fair OP and I think you are right to be upset.
You didn’t choose to lose your full time job. You have been trying to find work but your Partner encouraged you to work part time so you could do more housework etc.
I think you need to have a frank conversation with him, you need him to contribute more into the household budget , you say it’s your home does he pay towards the bills ?
If he doesn’t want a partnership it doesn’t bode well for your relationship to be healthy in the long term.
Keep up the job hunting .
Look at your finances, some credit cards do interest free maybe this could help in the short term.

Since your responses appear to be very aggressive, I won’t venture any advice here but will just say the whole situation sounds very odd.

Get a new FT job, then seeing as you do all the housework etc and it's your place, put his bills/rent up.

If he kicks up a fuss then it's time for you to realise his not bringing much to the relationship as equals to help you to move on and you'll have a new job to be more comfortable to handle that.

If you’re not married or living together (with a clearly set out division of who pays what) you need to ensure you can stand on your own 2 feet as a single person. That means find a job which covers all your bills (why are you applying for entry level jobs??) And not take on the responsibility for a dog which limits your ability to work (yes that was a doormat action).
You are unreasonable to expect him to pay your bills.

(I actually think the whole dog situation is very telling for your relationship - the two of you take a dog but don’t discuss who will have the dog and when, and what that means for each person’s daily schedule. If he works full time then it was clear from the start he would not be able to take the dog for walks during the day. If you move in together or get married make sure it isn’t done in the same way as you got the dog! BEFORE living together /getting married discuss finances, working hours, who does what in the house, how much each contributes etc etc).

OP your DP is either future faking or he is hedging his bets with an easy exit.

I can see how you have been set up to be the wife/nurse/muse/dog parent in this relationship.

It doesn't sound like there are any benefits for you though.

I think some of the replies on here have been a little unkind.
You lost your full time job, didn’t quit to stay at home.
After a discussion with your partner you BOTH agreed that you working part time would ease the pressure at home.
Now you are working part time, he is essentially hoarding his money, seeing you distressed over lack of finances and ‘may’ think about helping you.
This is not someone who is going to what I would expect a life partner to be, kind and supportive. What type of person lets someone they propose to love be overwhelmed when they have it within their power to help. Even if he was to say I’ll provide extra money until you are able to up your working hours.
Would a second part time job help rather than full time? How many more hours do you need to do in order to be able to be financially independent, is there a side hustle you can do, dog walking etc that can fit around school runs and helping your son.
i think you honestly need to look at what your partner brings to the table, I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who has shown this side of his character.
Make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to in terms of benefits especially with the levels of support your son requires.
Hope things improve soon

If he wants you PT so you can do more in the house etc, he had to step up and fill the shortfall in your income.

Get rid of him OP. He's being horrible to you.

If he is your partner, the two of you should be sharing all costs: rent, bills, groceries, etc. That is how I have always operated. If you are needed at home, you should reduce your share of the payments. It sounds like he is paying rent to you and you are his landlord, or something? That is not a partnership.

First thing to do is decide if you want him in your life with his skinflint ways or might you be better off without him?

Maybe tell him to employ a maid if he wants his meals cooked and laundry done? It is totally unfair to expect you to do and still pay all costs (bar £600)!!

I'm sorry you're upset but you need to take more responsibility for yourself and your finances. However the decision for you to go PT was made I don't see why you can't reverse that decision now that it's obvious you don't have enough money.

That's what a grown adult would do rather than ask a partner to pay for them.

Now you are working part time

The OP isn’t working at all.

No matter what has been discussed, the OP is the single parent to a child and need to prioritise them by working full time, whether she wants to stay with this man or not.

It doesn’t sound like you can afford to work part time. Look for a full time job. I couldn’t work out if you are living together. If you are he should be paying rent, and for bills / cleaning. If not his finances aren’t anything to do with you.

I was in the same boat as you and actually walked away from my 13 year relationship because of it. I supported mine when he was training and was earning bare minimum and supported him when he was debt but when the shoe ended up on the other foot he did nothing for me and still expected me to pay half of everything.

Anyone who tells you how good they are to you and you should be grateful should be kicked to the kerb. I’d tell him to leave with an attitude like that.

Go to Citizen’s Advice to get some pointers on helping your finances and I’m afraid you’re going to probably have to try and get a more full time role.

That,

he gave you a very bad advice that made you think he will take care of you when he didn’t actually do nothing in that direction.

I would be wary of knowing that side of him and still marrying him.