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Original poster

He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

312 replies

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 15:19

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

OP posts:
ChipsDipsAndBlips · 02/10/2024 23:17

He sounds like a jerk. Especially re talking about his investments and saying the money is for you both, while treating you in this way. It feels a bit like lying/taking you for a ride.

You have no right to his money. But one would hope, in this situation, the love of your life would help you out.

I agree with others that you've left yourself in a vulnerable position, and he has no responsibility for you/ your child. And he might be resentful of your free time etc. BUT you also have to think if this is the kind of person you really want to be with. He seems a bit mean spirited.

ChipsDipsAndBlips · 02/10/2024 23:19

5128gap · 02/10/2024 20:45

I wouldn't want to be with someone who watched me cry over financial stress, while bragging about their money and kept me on a string 'thinking about' helping me. Your partner is a nasty man on a power trip. I wouldn't want to be with someone who chose to work part time and expected me to subsidise them and their child either though. So my advice to you is ditch your partner, find your independence and go into any future relationship on an equal footing so you can't be on the receiving end of anyone's power play again.

💯 This!

Apotofgold · 03/10/2024 00:00

So I think we are all agreed and it’s pretty much unanimous -whether we think this guy is awful or not - that either way OP should look for full-time work and (if she stays with him) make sure there’s a 50/50 split of domestic work.

Hopefully @BeMellowDreamer is listening!

OnceShyTwiceBitten · 03/10/2024 07:26

Newmumburnout · 02/10/2024 20:01

I seem to be going against the grain here. It doesn't matter that they are not married or if her son is his also. After 3 years they are in a commited relationship and to me that's the same as being married. If they live together and she is cleaning their house, walking their dog, picking up ( yes her son ) their son that they look after together. They agreed together for her to go PT then their household funds should be shared and she should not be left like she is. As this Is not the case... You need to get back to FT and not rely on him.

Completely agree! 🎯

Personally, in addition to going back to FT, I'd also leave. 🙃

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 07:39

Apotofgold · 03/10/2024 00:00

So I think we are all agreed and it’s pretty much unanimous -whether we think this guy is awful or not - that either way OP should look for full-time work and (if she stays with him) make sure there’s a 50/50 split of domestic work.

Hopefully @BeMellowDreamer is listening!

which isn’t what the Op wants to hear

Busywithsomething · 03/10/2024 08:27

He sounds mean. Perhaps you could tell him you've had to post a question about it here. Has he always been so ungenerous? That's quite a short-coming in my eyes.

Car1y · 07/10/2024 06:59

First issue- you cant afford to go PT, even though you lost your FT job....u need to go back to FT.
Second issue - Your son is the 'baggage'that this man has signed up for and if you are struggling and hes not stepping in, then he is showing you who he is.

NikNak321 · 07/10/2024 07:02

Did he agree agree to take all the financial slack; while you work part time? Me and my hubby have that arrangement. I work part time 2.5 days self employed two jobs; take care of everything domestic practically and am the main care giver of our two children. He definitely gets the better arrangement...I am ALWAYS grafting. But the key part is our finances are amalgamated and put in the same pot. Everything is paid from that pot and shared.

If your not doing this is will not work. I'd either go back to work full time and both pay for cleaner/ share everything domestic; or you need to have a serious discussion about where your relationship is going. If you want an arrangement like mine; you both have to be in the same page and agree it and there's no such thing as 'my money'. Else you end up with an unequal relationship. Some of my friends are like this and unhappy; having to ask for money to buy food...it feels controlling to me 😢😢😢. It could be something you move towards when marriage happens/ have a child together following on from maternity etc?? Good luck OP 👍

JollyZebra · 07/10/2024 07:07

He's not sharing his money or the everyday chores with you. He's not a partner. Get advice on managing the debts while you look for full time work you can manage. Contact the people to whom you owe payments. They can be very accommodating.

He can live in a messy house, make "his" food and do "his" laundry if he wants to keep things "separate" like money. See how he likes that.

You could remind him that any credit default at your address may reflect on him in the future - especially if you are in his property.

I'd get myself together and walk. He's not worth it.

Dubuem · 07/10/2024 07:08

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 15:19

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

"He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful......" this alone is a man marching with a huge brass band, blowing whistles and waving massive red flags.
'Woman be grateful' was left behind years ago.
Sounds like he is on his own agenda ie: housekeeper with sexual favours he can keep 'grateful' and not as committed to an equal partnership as you are.
Only you know the truth of that though.

Sassybooklover · 07/10/2024 07:47

Money is in a lot of cases the cause of relationship breakdowns. I am assuming that when you worked full-time, all bills have been split between you and you solely support your son financially? Do you receive any financial support from your son's Dad? When you and your boyfriend discussed you losing your full-time job, and you jointly made the decision for you to find part-time work - what was discussed regarding finances going forward? Not being funny, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that on a part-time salary, you are not going to be able to pay half the bills, pay any loans you have and support your son!!!! 🤷 It's impossible!! It must have been obvious to you, that you weren't going to be able to pay any loans you have, if you're not currently working. Did you discuss this fact with your boyfriend? With you completely out of work, he is obviously supporting you, by paying all the bills. He is, by the sounds of it, drawing a line under the loans that you have, that have turned into missed payments, and refusing to pay them. Neither of you have given enough thought into how your finances are going to work going forward, if you find a part-time job!!! Have you assumed a lot?! You need to sit your boyfriend down and have an in-depth talk, so you both know how finances are going to work. In all honesty, you are not married to this man. Your loans, and your son's financial needs are nothing to do with him! You need a full-time job, especially if your boyfriend is unwilling to support you in any way. You need to discuss the future - what if you have a child together, is he going to support this child but leave your son from a previous relationship out? What happens if you're on Maternity leave from work, with less money coming in, you will find it difficult to support your son. These are all situations that need discussing properly.

Pingu32 · 07/10/2024 08:13

He wants to marry you because he wants to own and control you. Get out, get a full time job and make yourself totally independent of him. Let him keep his money - he needs it all for his ego

Poodlemania · 07/10/2024 08:20

Hello.
I would ask him to contribute X amount and just tell him straight you need more because financially you cannot survive on what he gives you , if he doesn't agree when he has the ability to help more , then I don't think he should be living in your house .
Has marriage been discussed ever or having a child together in the future ?
Wishing you lots of luck

Truthtalker · 07/10/2024 08:26

DoreenonTill8 · 02/10/2024 15:34

This, how old is your son? And how are you 'being taken for a ride'?

Edited
Show quote history

Right I was like 3.5years your expecting to take him for a ride 🤣🤣🤣 and not the sexual way the financial way.

Bennetty · 07/10/2024 08:48

It's unclear if you're living together and for his long, but if so, I don't understand why everyone is saying you're a single mum and shouldn't expect any support. Married or not, you're in a long term partnership and raising a child, to some extent together. If the decision for you to go part time was truly mutual, then he should bear some of the responsibility, as well as reap the benefits of having a free live-in housekeeper.
Does this man truly plan to marry you? If so, it's very short-sighted of him to not care that your credit rating is failing.

If you're not living together, this is definitely not a relationship that's going anywhere and this man doesn't plan to make it permanent.

If you are living together, I don't think you're being taken for a ride, but you're relationship lacks the respect and mutuality I'd expect after 3.5 years. You are essentially a family, and he clearly does not see you that way. There maybe be more to this story - like a history of you needing bailouts or having crisis after helpless crisis - but if this is the first time in this relationship when you've really been in need, then he is letting you down and giving you a harsh preview of your future together.

Get yourself some full-time employment and get out. Don't walk, RUN.

Hididi11 · 07/10/2024 08:49

He is living in your place? You pay the rent?
Does he pay rent or bills??

MaggieBsBoat · 07/10/2024 08:54

You wouldn’t do that to someone you love.
Kick him out, he is saving money by having you doing everything- get more hours, UC, whatever it takes but he has shown you what he thinks of you. I an sorry you are going through this @BeMellowDreamer

SpendingTooLongThinkingOfAUsername · 07/10/2024 09:03

Something noone else seems to have picked up on is that if OP didn't live with her partner and worked PT to support her child and home life, she would be entitled to UC to top up her earnings.

Assuming that with her partner living with her she doesn't qualify for that, it would mean that it's assumed by the government etc that they pool their earnings, which clearly isn't the case.

It doesn't sound like a partnership tbh. He sounds very much in control. He controls the finances. He wants her PT so he can have her do all the things at home and use the excuse "well you work less hours than me so you can fit it in and I can't" . He never walks their dog so she's having to find the time to squeeze that in too on top of caring for her child and all the housework.

Hididi11 · 07/10/2024 12:19

He sounds like a narcissist.
If he wants you to drop your a hours and play the told of a traditional housewife then how about he buy a house and pay the bills and be the traditional husband.

Sounds like you will gain more by leaving him

Sounds like a tool

MyTwinklyPanda · 07/10/2024 12:25

There's some decent men out there who want to be in equal relationships and, despite having no children of their own or having children from a previous relationship, will treat abothers child like their own. If your partner is acting like a man child, not wanting to be equal after 3.5 years I'd suggest he doesn't care and has no intention of helping.

Your son is your responsibility though. Your finances and job are yours too. If you can't afford to go PT don't do it. I'd suggest leaving the relationship as it will be less complicated and you can concentrate on number one which is your son and not a man who is unwilling to help.

Also, it sounds like he's enjoying watching you struggle.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 07/10/2024 14:58

You need to put yourself first, chances are you'd be better off living alone.

In your shoes I'd move back into your rental, or ask him to leave (can't remember who moved into which house)

Don't go part time, go back to work full time, he can pay for a cleaner and dog walker,

You can't expect other people to pay for you, you need to take the bill by the hornes, and if you can't afford to live with him and be part time, make changes

Jennaxoxox · 07/10/2024 16:56

Whilst I do think your unreasonable for expecting him to help (not his son, not his house etc) I think you really need to evaluate your relationship. As you said your keeping the house and working part time, your relationship isn't very equal.

I think he's a bit of an arsehole really and you need to throw him out. Whilst he's not "responsible" for you and your son, a decent men would step up and claim responsibility. He's a bit of a sponge and he's sucking you dry!

Sjh15 · 07/10/2024 20:20

BeMellowDreamer · 02/10/2024 16:53

The reason I mention the dog is because WE got her and she is 18 months old now and he has maybe walked her 5 times without me. She is a big active girl yet it has fallen on me ! Sorry I’m such a cocklodging fanny twat tenant and have royally ruined your day for being upset and asking for advice/opinions.

I don’t know why people are being so nasty to you OP.
im with you.
a house is a partnership married or not. Why is Mumsnet so obsessed with marriage
yes, your DP is being out of order. A partnership he should help you. I would expect my DP to help me and I’ve done the same for him (I lent him 1k when we’d been together a year to help him buy a car, he paid it back eventually)

Emmz1510 · 07/10/2024 20:37

People are being a bit judgemental to say that you are somehow the one winning here because you are working part time and apparently expecting him to ‘fund’ your lifestyle. You haven’t really given enough information. But perhaps he agreed to you going part time because he expects the house spick and span at all times, to do all household admin, all shopping, prepare all the meals, do all of the dogs care (whose is it?) as well as work part time. If all that is true then of course he’s unreasonable to not help you out at least a little.
I do agree however that you should work full time and go back to being independent. He does not sound like a keeper.

MadinMarch · 07/10/2024 20:43

2Little · 02/10/2024 17:10

If the house is only in your name tell him to leave. Do a claim for UC and council tax benefit. Then look for a FT job. Without him in the home you'll get a council tax reduction, your bills will go down because he's using utilities working from home. Your work load will go down as well because I don't doubt housework is your problem. This man isn't a partner. A partner would pick up the slack and support you in difficult times. They wouldn't be counting their savings and letting you default on payments.

This! By the bucket load!!!