He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

[BeMellowDreamer]

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

If he wants you to be part time to make his life easier then he need to pick up the difference in earnings. And he isn't and won't. Get a full time job then kick him out op. He is no partner.

Sorry to hear about your job loss. It does sound like part time work is a bad idea. Your partner has made it clear that your finances are separate. As have you ( in a way) by keeping the house in your name only. Theres nothing wrong with that and it is a sensible thing for you to do- your ensuring housing security for you and your child . But it would really need to work both ways if you want joint finances, support from him with debt/ your payment commitments and for him to take on the larger financial load. From your dps point of view, saving money is his security because you could make him leave tommorrow. Telling you how good he is to you and that you should be grateful is just weird. Who even says things like that. Securing a new full time role is your best bet. Plus he should help with housework because he lives there too.

It’s unclear what discussions took place when you agreed to work pt. Did you agree he’d pay more bills or give you money? Do you get money from your son’s dad that goes in the pot? Has he gone back on what he said he’d do and that’s why you’re struggling?

Two adults and a teen who’s at school all day don’t make that much housework that someone needs to be pt to do it all, that’s obviously daft. As to the rest of it, if you jointly agreed the current arrangements he needs to pay more so you’re not getting into debt. But you know you don’t feel part of a team so it’s not a sustainable set up. What are you going to do?

Fannylodger, apparently.

Difficult situation.

He can't have it both ways OP.

A) He has the luxury of you working part time so he doesn't have to pull his weight in the house, but that means he has to contribute more financially

Or

B) you work full time, pay your share and he he does his fair share of the home and dog stuff

There needs to be a serious discussion between you BEFORE you get married because at the moment I wouldn't consider him a partner

You can't realistically just go part-time without first having a discussion about how the shortfall in household income is going to be met. It sounds like you have though. It does also sound like your partner isn't taking the fact that you've taken a big hit to your income to do more housework (!) very seriously.

The reality is he either needs to pay more towards the house to make up for the fact that you're working part-time, or you need to go back to work full-time. And maybe dump him.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you. He isn't someone you want to marry, he isn't ever going to help you. I'd look for a full time job and get some money coming in. Try to pay off your bills. Don't give partner any money towards anything until your debts cleared.

If someone has to tell you how good they are to you they probably aren't that good to you.

He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful

I think that’s a red flag right there. He wants you to feel inferior, indebted to him, he is your superior.
I’d definitely not marry him and get out asap.

He doesn't have to pay off your debts, but it sounds like he should be paying more towards the rent and bills, and to cover your costs as a cook, cleaner, dog walker and general dogsbody.

If he was contributing fairly to those things, you'd have more money to pay off your debts and that is completely reasonable.

Off topic but have you applied for DLA to help with your son's extra needs?

Fanny freeloader

He doesn't love you. Sorry.

Sounds like you are not a couple, so why do you want to marry him when he’s shown you he doesn’t care?

He's taking the proverbial. Look for a FT position and have a conversation. Be firm. Sorry this is happening to you. He sounds like a spoiled shit tbh

Personally, if I was in this situation, I'd go back to work full time. I'd then pay half, with your partner paying half, for a dog walker, cleaner, whatever will make your lives easier.

However you've only been together for 3 years, it's not a long term relationship or marriage and you're already not happy with the way he's acting. Perhaps you need to evaluate the relationship?

He's not really your partner is he? Sounds like just a roommate. You can't afford to work PT, especially not to pick up more housework. As your finances are separate, you both need to be doing 50/50 housework, although of course, your son is your responsibility. I wouldn't want to be in that kind of relationship as I'd prefer to feel like I was part of a team than opposing players, but that's up to you.

I think this goes back to assumptions that were made on both sides possibly when the part time decision was made. He may have just meant that sounds nice but not expect to contribute more. Its unclear what the housing situation is but people at home do tend to do more, are you doing all the laundry etc? Even then I think 3.5 years isn't that long and the child isn't his. You may have felt that he would understand he needed to help you out more when this decision was made but he may not have expected that. I do think telling you to be grateful for how good he is to you seems a bit weird. I agree that with the poster who said it is better to be responsible for yourself and this decision was not made that well in hindsight. I wouldn't put yourself in a position where you and your child are reliant on someone who is not feeling responsible for you or has really agreed to it. Manage the debts down in terms of interest as best you can and try to get a full time job and in the meantime make sure that being in a partnership with someone who has more doesn't mean you are going half etc on things you can't afford. 3.5 years, no bio kid and vague marriage comments aren't enough for this man to be willing to take financial responsibility for you and tbh I think that might be fair enough

That's disingenuous. You wouldn't have posted what you did unless you thought it was relevant. You didn't just mosey on to the thread to discuss semantics.

If you are falling into debt whilst he pays only 600 pounds to contribute to household expenses that sounds extremely unreasonable and as if you are being taken for a ride. Even unmarried many couples if they are serious would pay differential amounts to the household expenses eg if he earns twice as much as you he pays 2/3 of household expenses.

My Kid

Yup

It sounds a bit like you really wanted to only work part time and were pleased he was going to fund this.

It’s probably a good job you’ve found out he’s not going to fund this before you’ve found a part time job. Just go straight into a full time job and then you aren’t dependent on him financially. He needs to do half the housework/dog walking or you get a cleaner/walker and pay half each. If he doesn’t want to do that, he can move out.

You’re the one who moved him in to your home with your son

You

🤷

a roof over your head which includes heating, electric, groceries and have the magical fairy clean your house, wash your clothes and cook you dinner for £600 a month. The house is a rental in my name only.

Why doesn't he walk the dog if he WFH? He must get breaks.

And at the same time he boasts of how much he's saving and his investments, while fobbing you off about helping with a loan to stop you falling into more debt?

Has he got any good points? Why do you stay with him, what keeps you and why would you think about marrying him?

OP I have to agree that it would be better to get a full time job. It seems like it’s only benefiting him right now with you doing more around the house but getting yourself into debt. Go back full time and ensure he is contributing a fair amount to the rental costs. If he wants a cleaner house he can pay for a cleaner and dog walker.