He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

[BeMellowDreamer]

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

Well, yes @badgerpatrol I pretty much agree with you, but didn't want to do the knee jerk LTB.

But I can't see the attraction of him myself ...

Rehome the dog. I think you didn’t think of all consequences of you doing part time and assumed he would automatically put in more money. Tell him to leave and get a lodger in? Alternatively look for a place that’s cheaper closer to the town. Really central places in town don’t go for too high rent because it doesn’t have private gardens etc. go full time. Ask for help from social services and say that you won’t be able to look after your son. A lot of councils have respite schemes where kids with additional needs are sent to temporary respite homes to give parents a break.

adamantly and furiously.,. she does not!

Pursue a full time job asap and then have the conversation that all household bills and chores are split fairly. If he doesn't like that idea, bin him off. It's hard to say without the full facts but there's a bit of a red flag around financial control here.

Get your backside in gear abd get a full time job and stop depending on a bloke. Quite pathetic.

Agreed. House work as a full time single parent is doable so two adults should be to cope

He sounds horrible and controlling! Please dump him.

It would be interesting to see how OP does feel about it?

It seems like there has been quite poor communication between the two of them.

If it was me, the conversation would have been something like,

Him-‘why don’t you go part time and then you can do all the housework and chores?!
Me-I don’t really want to do all the housework! Are you going to pay more rent and bills and my pension if I cut my hours in half?
Him-‘no’
Me-‘well, I’m not going to, then.

It sounds rather like the OP just decided that she fancied working less and it would be a good idea if the boyfriend paid more, but that wasn’t a conversation anyone has had!

I think it's a bit mean if he's calling himself your partner.

During covid time, my small business took a hit and my partner actually put money into it for me so I didnt have to go under. He wasn't asked and I didn't expect it. I gave him his money back once I was back in the black, again something he never asked me to do.

We aren't married, kids are not his, and he does live between here and the NW at the minute due to his work, he isn't asked to contribute anything for the kids, however he does (offers more times than I will accept too) and when he is home, does treat them to nice things, holidays etc, and he is appreciated and we do lovely things for him in return.

I do think not helping your partner out with some bills, when you have suggested she goes part time, and she is merely asking for a loan that she will pay back, is harsh.

I'd go back full time @BeMellowDreamer I can't see you have any other option.

Going part time only works if the other party is prepared to pick up the cost financially. Unfortunately that doesn't seem the case here.

You didn't choose to lose your job but I would certainly be looking for full-time employment.

You then need to have the conversation with him about chores around the house and the fact he needs to step up.

Personally the resentment that my so called partner was happy to see me struggle would be too much to bear and I would get rid.

Ignore the nasty posts OP…..some people can’t help themselves

Who cares if he wants you PT. You are an adult with responsibilities.

What is it lately with all these threads about young women expecting unmarried partners to financially support them and their children?

How did you happen to lose your job?

Don't become a dependent adult. It never ends well.

And why get a big high-needs dog when you already were struggling with your son's needs, your job and housework/life admin? Why?

That is not something that "just happened," that is a deliberate choice that now you are saying is reason not to work fulltime? A dog?

Which by the way will be a huge expense for routine veterinary care, food, and god forbid any illness or accident. If you're already struggling... it's perplexing to say the least.

In the "discussion" where you "agreed" you'd go part time did you not discuss finances?

Obviously if he said "I earn loads, you don't need a full time job, I'll support you so you only need to work part-time" then you would be reasonable to be upset if he broke that promise.

If he didn't say that then why on earth would you act as if he did? And get annoyed when he didn't start supporting you? Why would you go part time without a plan??

I think you need a full time job

Firstly, he doesn't owe you financial stability. If I was in his position, my decision to chip in with your finances would be dependent on:

1. The reason you lost your job
2. The reason you're taking entry-level jobs when you're qualified for better - perhaps better paid?
3. Whether he perceives that you're not reaching your earning potential through your personal choices
4. Whether he even wants to get married.

If I was in your position, I'd go back full-time (you clear cannot afford part-time work), ask him to pay for a cleaner and a dog walker. Less stress for you both then. He may wish you to be part-time but that clearly is not an affordable option.

I do get the need to look after your son during the day more. But going part time to do the cleaning is batshit.

He will: earn more, get career progression and pay more into his pension so securing a better future. Whilst living in a nice clean house.

You will… clean.

I mean, WTF?!?

Don't go part time - I'd look for jobs at a similar level and farm out some of the housework - which should be a joint expense.

Are the payments you are behind on for your own personal spends? If so, fair enough he doesn't pay these off but if they are for joint or family costs, he should.

For reference, I have recently been out of work and my DH pays all the family costs/mortgage/bills out of his income whilst I look for another job. I still pay for my own personal expenses and service my personal credit cards out of my own money (most of them I have switched to min repayments) . But family expenses, no.

Some of the responses here have been really nasty!

Like pretty much everyone, I agree that pt working is not a good option for you, for all the reasons stated.

I wouldn't think much of a man who's supposed to love me, brazenly amassing his money while leaving me to struggle! That's cruel! Married or not, you are supposed to be a team!

No. Enjoying someone's companionship, being boyfriend/girlfriend, does not mean that people automatically assume financial responsibility for one another. It's perfectly normal to have a relationship and keep finances, responsibilities separate.

OP, can you get a tutor or some sort of after-school nanny that could supervise your child's homework sessions, help them with admin, etc., while you are at work?

If it was a mutual decision so you could do housework for both of you and walk the joint dog, you could charge him for half these services for a start!

Should have found someone more willing to pay your way, OP, so you can walk your dog apart from other stuff.
Guess this move is difficult with a child as well.

Agreed 100%.

He sounds horrible. I agree with the consensus that you will need to get a full time job.