He has loads of money while I struggle, am I right to be annoyed?

[BeMellowDreamer]

We’re together 3.5 years, I recently lost my FT job and after discussing we decided I should look for a PT job so I have more time to do housework, help my son (from previous relationship) with homework’s and bringing him to his after school clubs and walk our dog.
Due to the unexpected job loss I’m now behind on a few payments which is causing my credit rating to drop, I’m stressed and cry over it. I’ve been rejected from entry level jobs because I’m over qualified. DP may as well pat me on the head and say “there, there” while he tells me how much money he has saved and investments he’s making.
He has the ability to wipe out these payments to alleviate my stress but he doesn’t. Am I being taken for a ride so he can save thousands “for US” but if I ask for help he tells me it’s his money. Ive even offered monthly repayment options to pay him back if he helped me and he says “I’ll think about it” and nothing comes of it. This is a man wanting to marry me?? He tells me how good he is to me and I should be grateful but I can’t help feeling resentful that he watches me struggle and stress when he could stop that.

I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m aware I’m vulnerable, so I want to know am I right to be annoyed or am I being a doormat?

The reason I mention the dog is because WE got her and she is 18 months old now and he has maybe walked her 5 times without me. She is a big active girl yet it has fallen on me ! Sorry I’m such a cocklodging fanny twat tenant and have royally ruined your day for being upset and asking for advice/opinions.

It’s not clear to me how you split bills? Is the rent 50/50 or does he pay most of it or do you pay most of it?

So from your latest update it sounds like he pays £600 towards the bills - how much do you pay for all those bills you listed?

And whatever you do pay - has your financial contribution gone down since you both agreed for you to go part time or is he expecting you to pay the same?

It’s hard to say how fair or not this is without the full financial picture.

@BeMellowDreamer just ignore any poster that you are finding rude and reply to the reasonable people.

The house is a rental in my name only.

Looking forward, could you afford the rent/bills with you earning a part time wage without your boyfriend living there?

You certainly have a flare for the dramatic.

Work more hours and pay attention to how he has behaved towards you. Consider it an early warning sign.

You can't afford to work part time so you should get a full time job.

You have only been with this person for 3.5 years. You have a child who is not his. I don't see why he should be paying off bills and payments for you.

Where is the child's father and what maintenance is he paying?

Get a full time job and be financially independent.

What percentage of bills and rent is he paying?

It sounds like you don't actually want to go back to work FT though and would rather your partner just pick up the slack financially so for that YABU given you're not married and your partner clearly doesn't see your incomes/assets as joint. Millions of people manage kids, dogs, housework and a full time job. If your partner isn't pulling his weight then call him out on that but I don't think he should have to pay off your debts or support your son. At least you know where you stand now so the sensible thing would be to get back to FT work asap and reconsider the relationship if you're not on the same page on big issues like this. Tell your partner to pay for a dog walker if he doesn't want to walk the dog on his 'shift'.

The majority of posters are very much on your side, why have you chosen to solely focus on those that aren’t?

Almost unanimously, people think you’re being poorly treated and that going PT is a bad idea. Are you going to engage with that at all?

The fact he wants you to work PT so you can do more cleaning is something you should completely ignore. You are a single parent. You can’t afford to work PT. Start looking for a FT job.

It would be very different if he encouraged you to go PT and do more of the domestic load and you were married and had shared finances (or at least more shared). But you don’t. You’re really vulnerable and he’s made it clear that he is not going to help.

In your shoes I would take it as a bad sign, but I’m someone who has always had 100% joint finances. Different strokes for different folks. Your partner is thinking of himself and you need to do the same.

He is the asshole in this situation then. I WFH full time and it makes it so much easier to get housework done. You were struggling with housework because you DP couldn't be arsed lifting a finger. I put a washing on before I start work, I hang it up when I'm finished or DH hangs it up when he gets home. On my lunch break I run round with the hoover or clean a bathroom. Your son is 13 and although he may have issues I'm sure he is capable of lending a hand at home. My DSS is responsible for the dishwasher in our house. If he's paying £600 a month to you for all his living expenses he's massively taking the piss. He's using you as a way to build up his own finances and I doubt he ever has any intention of sharing that with you.

Throw him out, go back to working full time or at least apply for some support that you won't currently be eligible for because he's living there. Cut your food bill and laundry pile in half. A partner should enhance your life. In what way is he doing that? You'd be better off on your own.

How much is your rent and bills? Is £600/month half of the total amount?

There really isn't enough information in your posts to assess whether your partner is a twat or not. But it does seem like you can't afford to work part time. And it's a bit off for him to suggest that you work part time so you can do more housework. Why should you give up paid work so you can do free work instead? Would he be willing to do the same if the roles were reversed?

But it does seem like you can't afford to work part time

This is the crux of it.

Why should he support you to help your son with schoolwork and walk the dog?

You’re not married - he’s got no obligations to you.

Support yourself. 🤷‍♀️

The why should she work part time so she can do more housework that benefits them both?

It's your house, kick him out. Claim UC. If your son is disabled apply for DLA for him. You are making a big drama over a guy living with you that can afford to live somewhere else while you are struggling. Get rid of the man. Sort your debts.

The bottom line is you can only go PT if he supports you. At the moment he's making you jump through hoops and isn't willingly supporting you. So you need a FT job and he will have to do his fair share of dogwalking and housework.

"I was working FT and with him WFH FT, we still struggled with housework etc so yes DP wants me PT."

Why didn't you just get a cleaner? Or better yet, when he stands up to take a break from his screen he can tidy up the post, hoover a room, put the dishwasher on etc.

Also he "wants you PT" - what about you? Did you want that? Why is it about him? You've given up a career that apparently is not easy to get back into.

If the house is only in your name tell him to leave. Do a claim for UC and council tax benefit. Then look for a FT job. Without him in the home you'll get a council tax reduction, your bills will go down because he's using utilities working from home. Your work load will go down as well because I don't doubt housework is your problem. This man isn't a partner. A partner would pick up the slack and support you in difficult times. They wouldn't be counting their savings and letting you default on payments.

I wouldn’t be going part time and making myself even more financially vulnerable to him and definitely not whilst unmarried. I would get either a full time job or two part time/ zero hours ones if I had to to make sure my bills were getting paid and son taken care of, even if it was just until a new opportunity came about. If the housework falls down then he can contribute toward a cleaner or pick up more himself. The notion that he wants you to work part time and then clean the house the rest of the time is pretty laughable to me. He’s asking you to work full time whilst only being paid for the part time work outside of the home.
If my DH suggested that I would ask how much he was going to pay me for my domestic labour. Parenting is the only work I’m prepared to do for free because lives literally depend on it.

It just sounds to me like you have different ideas about finances, which is a crucial part of compatibility. So many marriages end in divorce due to financial reasons. I don’t think you should be getting married unless you are on the same page about things like household finances.

Focus on finding a full time job and have a think about what your future would look like with him no matter what life throws your way.

To be fair to the OP, she said in her first post that she had lost her previous FT job, so is now unemployed. Her partner has suggested getting a PT job rather than a FT one. She hasn't been able to get entry level jobs due to being over qualified.

He tells you he is good to you yet..

Someone once said to me, take note of what I do not what I say..

You can't afford to work part time - you need to find a full time job.

Also don't have children with this guy, married or not, because he will not make decisions in your best interest.

Getting a part time job can be very difficult anyway.

Clearly, this chap isn’t going to pay for OP to be at home cleaning or walking the dog as she’d hoped, which is useful to know in advance. I would imagine finding a full time job will be much easier anyway.

He's got it made hasn't he? You going PT only benefits him and you're left in debt. Time for a reset. Find a FT job and ensures he pays his way, including extra for heating etc while WFH.