How do SAHMs manage financially?

[YogiBearcub]

Embarassed to ask my friends this as they are all working, but for those of you who either aren't or those who have a husband earning significantly more, how to you split your finances?

I've recently stopped working after 18 years in a lucrative job and am basically a student (am switching profession), SAHM and housekeeper. I used to be fiercely independent and we had a similar salary. My husband still earns a good salary but all I have is the rental income from the flat I lived in before we got together. I had to ask my husband to pay the nursery (4 days) a few months after I left work as this cost more than my flat income and it was eating into savings once everything else was paid on top. I'm now paying the groceries (about £500pm), DS' clothes and shoes, nespresso, my mobile bill, £35 for a classpass, the Internet, while my husband pays the bigger bills of nursery, council tax, electricity gas, car, his luxury gym, etc. He paid off the mortgage last year. But I constantly feel like I'm living on a shoestring compared to him.

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself? How did you negotiate the size of this? Is it a % of his income or you prepared a mini budget to demonstrate your outgoings? Or do you have a shared account only he pays into and everything comes out of that, but then he can look through every coffee you drank during the month? I'm so embarrassed to ask for money as I've been working since I was 15 and paid my own way through uni so it's just not in my dna to be someone's dependent!

Never been a stay at home Mum, but we always combined our income, took out the bills/savings and divided the remainder. There have been times when I was earning more and times when DH earned most, but we have always had the same money each which we do with whatever we want. We are a team and it is only fair we have the same. If my DH had more than me, I would really resent that and would hate to have to ask for money.

Neither of us are SAHP but all money so joint and would be if one of us were not working outside the home. The dual responsibilities of direct care and paying the bills are shared between us as parents. Exactly how that is split will differ in different families.

Childcare fees don’t come out of one parents money here, again that’s a joint financial responsibility.

We have always had separate accounts but we work out what our joint income is minus joint outgoings (bills, petrol, food, kids stuff etc) and whatever is left gets equally split between us.

Husbands income is significantly more than mine, weve always combined our income and had the same disposable amount of disposable cash each month

I became a SAHM when our first child was born and never went back to work. Youngest is 15 now.

Once money has been moved to pay bills/savings, we both just have access to all the money and spend what we like. My partner would never expect me to have to ask for money or give me an allowance. I’d never stand for that anyway.

Well the optimal SAHP arrangement is that you share the working partner’s income as entirely joint. Usually that’d be instead of nursery though, not as well as. What conversations did you and your husband have about money before you left your job?

I was a sahp and have now worked ft for years. Dh earns triple my salary. All income has always been pooled. We do a spreadsheet, bills get paid, and what's left is split in two. Circumstances will change through life, so this keeps it fair, especially where children are concerned. Also, surely you discussed finances when you decided to retrain?

If you're fiercely independent and don't want to rely on your husband to finance household/child expenses, then you'll have to get a part-time job

Surely, before you quit your previous well-paid role, you discussed finances with your husband and worked out how items which you previously paid for, would now be paid. What was the result of this discussion?

I'm sure your husband is aware that should you and he divorce, everything will be split equally or squewed more towards you and the child/ren if you're the main caregiver

Therefore, there'll be no bother, I imagine, paying all income into one bank account, accessible by both of you

Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself?

No way!

You're married - his money is your money and vice versa. Joint account and when the nursery needs paying, log in and pay it.

Start a SIPP to keep your pension going.

And don't describe yourself as a "housekeeper" - it's your home, you're not a maid. So make sure your DH still does his share of cooking and cleaning and looking after his DC or he might start treating you like one.

Ideally, this should have all been discussed with your dh when you decided to retrain op. Was it a joint decision?

I think the fairest way to do things is pool your monthly income and take equal shares after every bill has been paid. You shouldn’t have to ask your dh for money, he should be offering surely?

And don’t forget to fill the gap in your income op!

I stayed home for several years. His paychecks were my paychecks too. Money went into a joint account and we both spent from that account. He didn’t review my spending any more than I reviewed his.

He is only able to earn because you are caring for your shared child.

my OH is giving up work for a while (a couple of years I expect) and we plan to have a joint account which everything (rental income and my salary) goes into. We’d both consult the other before making big purchases anyway (when we both worked) and we have a similar attitude to spending (if that makes sense) so it’s not a difficult decision to make everything joint. I wouldn’t want him to have to ask me for money, it doesn’t seem fair when it’s a joint decision for him to give up work.

He’s paying for nursery four days a week.

Money in joint account. But we only use credit (used like a charge card) for security, rewards and ease. Everything is joint and there’s no allowance on funds.

Shared bank account ... everything in one account and all bills paid from that. Never quibbled about 'who contributed what' or 'who spent what'. Obviously helps that we have very similar values around money and neither of us is frivolous, we value long term saving; we have both got brains and know not to overspend or go into overdraft but we would never question spending on a cup of coffee or meal or 'review' each other's purchases.
But clearly if one of you is a saver and one a spender it's not so straightforward.

In over 30 years of marriage the one thing that has never caused any problem or difficulty is sharing a bank account.

I’m at sahm but for us it’s the same as before. All joint expendure comes from the joint account this includes bill, food, ultilties, family eating out, anything child relatesd (clothes, clubs, coffee at soft play) and our health related (dentist, glasses and gym membership). DH and I each get our own pocket money for own clothes, going out and for thing just for us.

I'm not a sahm but work part time and all money is family money. I pay nursery fees and things for kids out of my account he does all bills and mortgage from him but we always just share whatever is left anyway

Combine income, pay bills & savings and then split the remainder between us.

I wonder what kind of man would watch his wife living on a shoestring while raising his children.

I was a SAHM for about 8 years but we've always just put all the money in one account and each spent what we want / need, no pocket money or separate account for bills. Savings etc are all joint apart from pension (we paid into a small pension for me while I wasn't in paid employment.) It's always been this way for us though, we set up a joint account when we got married and it's always been the same through all combinations - students / both working / mat leave / SAHM.

Can your husband pay the nursery fees and give you an allowance ? X

I agree. I was sahm a few times during my marriage - the money was our money, not "his" and "hers". Whether I was working or not, the money was pooled and all expenses came out of it. I can't imagine living on a shoestring while he enjoyed a big income.

I was a SAHM after my second was born. Daycare for two was more than my pretax earnings.
My husband paid all bills, my credit card, and put money in a joint account for any day to day expenses (like £2000/month). He had an ex wife and two other kids so he couldn't put all his earnings in to one pot. But he never questioned what I spent money on and all big purchases (like a TV) we discussed beforehand.
It was odd, as I was so used to earning my own money. I did feel like I couldn't spend without good reason, and was never extravagant. Nothing new there - I was used to living on a lot less than £2k a month! But even before I had kids He paid the bills as he earned so much more than me, and I just used my earning for personal stuff. I did pay the deposit on our house though, which was all the money I had, from the sale of my house.

If my partner and I did this, we'd have already discussed how this would work in detail, and we'd share our finances.

One of us certainly wouldn't be given an allowance 🙈.

In our household everything is joint. We do run two different accounts with one he manages and one I manage, but it's all household money. We just take care of different bills. He puts half his pay into my account, I share anything that is my earnings.