How do SAHMs manage financially?

[YogiBearcub]

Embarassed to ask my friends this as they are all working, but for those of you who either aren't or those who have a husband earning significantly more, how to you split your finances?

I've recently stopped working after 18 years in a lucrative job and am basically a student (am switching profession), SAHM and housekeeper. I used to be fiercely independent and we had a similar salary. My husband still earns a good salary but all I have is the rental income from the flat I lived in before we got together. I had to ask my husband to pay the nursery (4 days) a few months after I left work as this cost more than my flat income and it was eating into savings once everything else was paid on top. I'm now paying the groceries (about £500pm), DS' clothes and shoes, nespresso, my mobile bill, £35 for a classpass, the Internet, while my husband pays the bigger bills of nursery, council tax, electricity gas, car, his luxury gym, etc. He paid off the mortgage last year. But I constantly feel like I'm living on a shoestring compared to him.

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself? How did you negotiate the size of this? Is it a % of his income or you prepared a mini budget to demonstrate your outgoings? Or do you have a shared account only he pays into and everything comes out of that, but then he can look through every coffee you drank during the month? I'm so embarrassed to ask for money as I've been working since I was 15 and paid my own way through uni so it's just not in my dna to be someone's dependent!

Who made you MN police? It is relevant as the person responded to the OP's question like this is normal.

You're a family. It should all go into one pot out of which expenses come. Any hint of having to ask for money and I'd get straight back to paid work.

I don't understand how you could happily tether yourself to another person for the rest of your life and be content with inequitable resources. Either as the lower or higher earning party.

She's a student. It's all there in the OP.

I became a SAHM when we moved abroad and I was t permitted to work. We always had joint accounts and although I do feel a bit off about it sometimes my husband truly sees it as joint money. He earns a lot but always say it wouldn't have been possible if off have worked. It wouldn't. The kids are grown and doing well and while I think I've always been a great Mum I've always been happy to enjoy my life. I know I've been very privileged.
Money has never been an issue between us. There has never been any game playing or resentment over it.

The OP that my post responded to was terribly impressed by their SAMH status with a youngest child of 15.

Barring no issues such as serious child disabilities (and my child has serious disabilities and I still work) or OP disabilities - pretending that staying at home once kids are that age is anything other than lazy is BS.

Same as others - all income goes into joint pot, and an equal allowance is paid to our personal accounts after expenses.

We’ve done this since we got married (before DC) when I was the higher earner, and it’s remained that way through periods of me not earning or earning significantly less.

DP pays almost everything into a joint account, we have all bills come out of that

I top it up when we need to with savings, which is every month between £300-500

It's our money as far as I'm concerned

I refuse to believe that you're serious and cannot possibly fathom what a person who doesn't work might spend their time doing.

I have a badge and everything. You do realize that all 15yo aren't the same and some will need parental help forever? Or that, some people build lives around the divided work/ home labour, and that there will be times when that favours more free time for one - teens at school favouring the sahm while the partner works - or in retirement when the working partner drops out the workforce but the sahm/ or housewife maintains the domestic labour therafter.

That's not our set up but it's not the business of others to demand a rationale. But, regardless, if you think it's normal for people to hold chips on their shoulder, demanding even-stevens for a whole lifetime, with the person who they claim to love then, that's a shame for you.

But you would happily pay someone else to sit on their arses to look after your children whilst your partner went to work

You would pay someone else to sit on their arses to clean your house

You would pay someone else to sit on their arse to shop, cook, wash up and do all the many things you think are done by sitting on your arse

When you go to work how much of your day involves being seated and being paid for it

I'm a sahm and have been for nearly 18 years. All money goes into the joint account and everything is shared, same as when we were both working. Purchases over about £20 we discuss beforehand. Sometimes one of us will point out that the account is getting low or we are about to get a big bill and we will agree to only buy essentials for the rest of the month.

We had no debt and basically just ate and paid the bills and prayed a big expense did not come along .

My kids are preschool, but you seem incredibly judgemental about other people’s choices. If someone suggested you should stay at home with your child you would rightly call them out.

It's a partnership. Each has their roles and responsibilities to ensure a happy and healthy household. It doesn't have to be about monetary value. How awful to see monetary worth as the only thing of value.

Agreed. I just forgot to tether my message to the post I was agreeing with about the importance of sharing the family money equally.

The OP in question stated their youngest child was 15! No-one needs to be paid to look after their child at that age.

Cleaning a house and shopping (please!) does not take all week.

But yeah sure, pretend its a full-time job - own your choice but don't come whining onto MN as so many do, when something happens (divorce, redundancy, illness) and they realise they are fucked.

Money is all put into a common pot.
There isn’t a my money/your money.

And there certainly isn’t a ‘nursery cost are all my responsibility’. Why wouldn’t the father pay too?

As for am ‘allowance’, you’re not a teenager anymore.

Actually as someone who has worked her whole life and splits everything evenly with my husband, no I can't actually fathom what a person does if they don't work. I have never had that privilege

But can you fantom what someone does when their dh doesn’t share stuff 50/50 and is only ‘helping’?

Oh well 🤷🏼‍♀️

We've always just shared everything. All money coming in is our money. ("All money" she says like it's pouring in 🤣 )

I appreciate that's not a choice everyone would make but it's nice and simple.

His income goes into a joint account and we both just use that for everything.

Anything less is unacceptable and controlling in my view.

Thank you, I appreciate the answer, genuinely wanted to know.
Shows how different we all are and how we live.

I was a sahm for the years before my children went to school. The money my dh made was ours equally. I definitely needed more due to running the house and keeping the kids entertained whereas he was just going to work every day so didn't need so much. Everything we had was shared. Now I'm working it is the same, it works for us.