How do SAHMs manage financially?

[YogiBearcub]

Embarassed to ask my friends this as they are all working, but for those of you who either aren't or those who have a husband earning significantly more, how to you split your finances?

I've recently stopped working after 18 years in a lucrative job and am basically a student (am switching profession), SAHM and housekeeper. I used to be fiercely independent and we had a similar salary. My husband still earns a good salary but all I have is the rental income from the flat I lived in before we got together. I had to ask my husband to pay the nursery (4 days) a few months after I left work as this cost more than my flat income and it was eating into savings once everything else was paid on top. I'm now paying the groceries (about £500pm), DS' clothes and shoes, nespresso, my mobile bill, £35 for a classpass, the Internet, while my husband pays the bigger bills of nursery, council tax, electricity gas, car, his luxury gym, etc. He paid off the mortgage last year. But I constantly feel like I'm living on a shoestring compared to him.

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself? How did you negotiate the size of this? Is it a % of his income or you prepared a mini budget to demonstrate your outgoings? Or do you have a shared account only he pays into and everything comes out of that, but then he can look through every coffee you drank during the month? I'm so embarrassed to ask for money as I've been working since I was 15 and paid my own way through uni so it's just not in my dna to be someone's dependent!

I’m not a SAHM but I did take a considerable step down into a new role and am about to career change myself so I’m earning less than a quarter of what he does and about a third less than I used to. And next year may well be earning zero and still need the nursery place to study so quite similar to yourself!

Since we got married and had a child, everything has gone into one account and we each take a personal allowance each month that’s for our personal stuff like phone bills, buying each other gifts in birthdays and Christmas etc, hair cuts, socialising and clothes etc. Everything else comes out of the joint account, all savings held jointly. All financial decisions made jointly. Any purchase above a couple of hundred agreed with each other.

I was a sahm. We had a joint bank account . All the money went into one pot and we both had cards for it.

We dont split our finances and never have. All our money is "our" money, regardless of where it comes from. We make all financial decisions together.

Your arrangement sounds very unusual. We are the same as the majority here, his finances (not all as some go in savings) go into a joint account and all bills/spending money comes out of that.

My husband pays all bills. I pay for my mobile phone, clothes, socialising, beauty etc if I want, kids school lunches, if we have days out (without him that aren’t pre booked) etc. I get approx £1000 a month from him but around £500, sometimes more ends up in savings as I don’t spend it.

We have a joint account and all the money is family money. There is no his money, my money. We manage our family finances together. When I was a SAHM I never felt like I was spending his money as I gave up work for our family. If I hadn’t given up work he wouldn’t be earning as much as he is now .

I was a SAHM when my DC were little and all money was completely shared.

We’re married so we don’t split finances. All savings / pension contributions are split exactly so after 17 years together our pension and savings pots are nearly identical (the only difference is due to our different choices in funds performing better or worse over time).

This works because neither of us is a spendthrift and we have similar tastes and sensibilities. If one of us liked flash cars or expensive jewellery etc it would be an issue and we’d need a budget but luckily we’re well matched on the spending front.

You said 'he' paid off the mortgage- please say the house is in both your names!

I'm not a SAHP but I don't understand why you are paying for things and he is paying for things. You should be pooling all your resources. So you sit down and do your income + DH income = total income and then the entire amount is pooled and distributed as needed. Ideally it would be by either both being paid into a single joint account to which you both have access or you both transfer either (a) the total amount you are paid into the joint account or (b) the total amount you are paid into the joint account minus a small amount of agreed spending money. Simples.

I am a SAHM, we have a joint account. All money goes in and we spend what we want. Big purchases say over £100 (unless it's the food bill) are discussed, otherwise I can do what I like (within reason obvs, not getting us into debt!). It has always been our money, not his and mine.

There are lots of ways it can work. All require communication with your husband. Why are you retraining? If it is to be able to do something like teaching and have school holidays off, then you are doing that yo allow your husbands career to continue uninterrupted. If it is a passion project, did he agree with the you? If it is to make more money in future, is it only temporary belt tightening? It is difficult to tell what is fair from what you have said so far.

I am a SAHM and DH manages the money. He splits the money up into different pots e.g mortgage, bills, savings etc. then we each have a £200 allowance every month to spend as we please.

This. Surely you discussed it?

Any intelligent person would have spotted that you weren't going to be able to continue to contribute financially in the same way, so how did you agree to approach it?

In answer to the question - all income goes into joint account, from which all bills are paid and all spending / saving is from the joint pot. Neither of us would ever want the other to be scraping by.

What a judgy comment. Take off your glasses and see the bigger picture- which is likely to be nothing you know about.

Would you say the same for me? I’ve not worked for almost four years now but previously worked all my life in a well paid job. My personal circumstances means I can’t work and I hate it: it’s lonely and hard going. I do hope to return to work one day though.

So no, it’s not the case of “ someone sitting on their arse”..

Exactly this for us too.

Money comes into one account and then is split into bills and savings. DH and I both take the same amount of spending money into our own accounts to do with as we wish. We prefer it this way as we can buy each other surprise gifts for birthdays etc.

It is difficult to tell what is fair from what you have said so far.

It really isn't difficult. Its not about being "fair" depending on circumstances. Its about a married couple having joint access to the money. No spouse should suffer the humiliation of being given an allowance or having to ask the other for money.

This.
We treat all money coming in as family money, pay all the bills etc and split what's left. Over the years this has been a lot, nearly nothing and everything in-between. Sometimes DH has paid in more, sometimes I have, but we've always had the same personal spending money as each other.

Why has OP quit her job then if she does not have the child that much during the week??

I don’t manage.
SAHM to be 4 year old and 8 month old. Husband pays for everything house wise, bills, food shopping etc.
I get £50 a week which doesn’t go far at all. Last week I had an eye test and the taxi to and from and the actual eye test left me with £1 in my bank all week. I told him multiple times.
I could actually cry reading the replies on here 😢

I'm a SAHP and husband works full time.
His wage and all benefits go into a joint account, which we both have access to. We both have a small amount (the same for each of us) monthly for personal spends of our choice, and we both have access to the joint account to pay family expenses (food, travel, house stuff). Savings are automated at an agreed amount and we both have a good general idea of what counts as essential/non-essential spends. He doesn't have any more money entitlement because he earns -its all family money with the exception of our personal allowances which are exactly the same.

That is financial abuse. I hope you might consider leaving him.

I'm a SAHM. We have a joint bank account and I spend from it. I'd find it really degrading having to ask for money.

She's studying/retraining. Read the OP.