How do SAHMs manage financially?

[YogiBearcub]

Embarassed to ask my friends this as they are all working, but for those of you who either aren't or those who have a husband earning significantly more, how to you split your finances?

I've recently stopped working after 18 years in a lucrative job and am basically a student (am switching profession), SAHM and housekeeper. I used to be fiercely independent and we had a similar salary. My husband still earns a good salary but all I have is the rental income from the flat I lived in before we got together. I had to ask my husband to pay the nursery (4 days) a few months after I left work as this cost more than my flat income and it was eating into savings once everything else was paid on top. I'm now paying the groceries (about £500pm), DS' clothes and shoes, nespresso, my mobile bill, £35 for a classpass, the Internet, while my husband pays the bigger bills of nursery, council tax, electricity gas, car, his luxury gym, etc. He paid off the mortgage last year. But I constantly feel like I'm living on a shoestring compared to him.

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself? How did you negotiate the size of this? Is it a % of his income or you prepared a mini budget to demonstrate your outgoings? Or do you have a shared account only he pays into and everything comes out of that, but then he can look through every coffee you drank during the month? I'm so embarrassed to ask for money as I've been working since I was 15 and paid my own way through uni so it's just not in my dna to be someone's dependent!

Combined income of course, what else would we do. Family pot. I was raising kids, him working, equal partnership. We cut down on everything but it was worth it.

All earned money goes into joint account. All bills paid from that. We each get an allowance for personal spending.

I don't see how it's fair any other way.

we are both SAHP and are surviving on UC and other benefits. Not ideal but doable (just)

Married life has always been all our joint income into one pot then each have an equal allowance to spend on what we want, lunches out with friends, presents for each other, our own clothes etc. Can’t imagine doing it any other way? Else wouldn’t there start to be resentments etc if one partner took over time while leaving the other with more responsibility for the kids or if both working same hours and one did less housework but the other then wasn’t able to employ help or reduce their hours or even the whole gender gap thing if one had taken time out of career to care for children?

The logistics of measuring contributions like this sound dreadful when you lay it out like that.

I read an article once that included research on how married couples with joint accounts are typically more satisfied than those who do not and it was chalked up to it being indicative of a couple who have a 'we before me' mentality. That makes sense with what you've said as to what that looks like in terms of viewing input in a very myopic fashion and it chimes with my experience too.

Welcome to the board/ happy new name change @Blueyellowroses

Thank you, I’m not surprised couples who share are happier, I’ve been in a relationship where this wasn’t the case and have seen the same with friends and not only can cause resentment but ends up being quite inefficient. Perhaps lucky also with my DH that we’re happy to support each other’s priorities and have never felt the other is being unreasonable. For example if one of us was unhappy with our job or current workload or wants to be a SAHM or try something new then we wouldn’t insist they stick with the status quo just to maintain the family income/current standard of living. This approach has benefited us both in the long term e.g DH trying something new that paid less actually ended up him making more money and opening up opportunities for me in the long run and him supporting me quitting work at one point, ended up with me later being able to go for an opportunity that came up that has left us much better off and all less stressed as a family

Exactly. Can't imagine having more or less money than the person I was sharing my life and family with.

I don’t like it per so, just don’t mind doing it.

I think it’s 2 different things being married and not being married. Yes having been there it is silly to put yourself in such a vulnerable position investing all your time and effort in being a SAHM/taking on the domestic workload (obviously exceptions such as your child absolutely needing you to be) without the commitment of marriage, you may as well be a slave as yes absolutely very real possibility that you’ll be left with nothing, not even the appreciation of your ex who in the bitterness of separation will perceive themselves as the one who did you the favour of feeding and clothing (however meagre) during your slave dom. Been there, done that. Being married though should be different, yes of course most couples will both be worse off if they separate (just as they would of probably been worse off in some ways if hadn’t got together in the first place) however being married, surely your friend received the benefit of not only the build up in pension during those 13 years of being a SAHM but also equity that built up in the house, other assets accumulated etc. The only thing she would have lost out on is career development, but then that’s something you weigh up when you decide to become an SAHM, it’s not always automatically the case either. I took a few years out as an SAHM and yes it did put me back a few years but I’m now at the top of my banding so in the long term hasn’t made a huge amount of difference and was worth it for the time I had with our children

I imagine she does as she pleases. I’d not be short of things to interest and occupy me. Are you saying you’d struggle?

OP we pay it all in to one account and then spend what we need.

We didn't have a conversation before as I was made redundant with no notice. He said I should take a break to see what I want to do next, I decided on a career change via a master's and the idea was to spend the redundancy money to pay for that. I thought I can live off the flat income but I see now I can't! Sounds like must have a joint account they both access to so perhaps I will ask we put money into that! Ironically my husband set one of these up many years ago but I said we don't need this as we are both making enough money to set money aside. That's part of the reason I'm now in this predicament I am sure!

An allowance is what you give your teenager DC’s, not your partner. Everything joint, with same personal money

I was a SAHP for two years, until my older daughter started primary school.

My husband and I always had a joint account and our salaries went into that. We never allocated ourselves allowances for personal spending, just each spent what we wanted from our joint account.

When I was a SAHP we just carried on as we had before. The only difference was that obviously we didn't have so much money so we had to be more careful. We had always discussed big purchases in advance anyway, but with a smaller income the definition of a big purchase changed!

We combined all our money as soon as soon as we married. I was the higher earner at the time. All money was our money so we just looked at whether we could afford for me to stay at home. I'm not sure I would have been happy being a SAHP if we both didn't feel that all money in the bank belonged to us both.

Can your husband pay the nursery fees and give you an allowance ?

Allowance? That's what children receive.

A married couple join their finances.

Im a sahm to 3 pre school age children. My husband has his own business and is a high earner we have 2 bank accs one for bills / DD's and the other for miscellaneous/ he would never question what I spend and regularly spoils me / us all rotten. Equally I don't take the piss because I don't need / want to

‘Spoils you rotten’ strange turn of phrase for shared money.

@Tooski never will understand why some mumsnetters have to try find a negative to a happy comment / family unit.

Well it gives off princess vibes and inequality. I’m glad you’re happy, perhaps just not my thing so feels odd. All the awful threads on here with dreadful outcomes makes me too (?) cynical.

Ive recently left my job after waking up one morning having a panic attack for no apparent reason about work. I worked for 18 years front line emergency services and I think the years of trauma finally got to me.

We are buying a reno project and I was going to have 6 months off to do it up anyway (I'm handy like that and can do most trade jobs) but this brought it forward.

We sat down and did a budget and worked out what i actually spent my wages on and it was literally petrol, professional subs, work lottery, life insurance and phone. The rest was just going into our savings account or spends money for me if I wanted something as we have always lived off his wages (and he manages to save too).

From that we decided I would leave work entirely until after the reno and then get a part time job. It's meant that I've been at home the last 2 months whilst the conveyancing is going on and boy the house is spotless. For those who are saying wtaf do people do all day, i clean, cook, garden, and do 99% of the jobs now and we can spend our weekends doing whatever we want instead of chores.

As for managing money he has his daily and savings accounts, I have my accounts and then there is a joint account. I run all the finances from a spreadsheet so just take whatever i need and then he will top it up as and when needed from savings.

I think it would be harder if he wasn't earning as much but we have 3 years of my take home salary in savings at the moment and top it up by around 1k a month.

@Tooski let's agree to differ , I can assure you I'm not a princess but very happily married, yes. That also seems to be the minority on MN

In that situation all money would go into one pot for bills, food, things children need, and if there was enough over for savings both take out the same to put into a private account for individual spending or saving needs. The parent at home with children is saving the family childcare costs, lost pay from taking time off with sick kids etc so should have full access to all income.

I feel for you OP, you have been very independent and due to career change, the financial dynamics of your relationship have changed. Now you feel that you are asking for money which you have never had to do before. Whilst some partners are totally comfortable with being financially dependent , you clearly aren't. Due to the significant change, I think you need to have some honest discussions with your partner. A big change for both of you. Well done for being brave enough to make a career change.
Hopefully better career prospects ahead

Great that you were able to work PT.
Not an option for all

Spot on