How do SAHMs manage financially?

[YogiBearcub]

Embarassed to ask my friends this as they are all working, but for those of you who either aren't or those who have a husband earning significantly more, how to you split your finances?

I've recently stopped working after 18 years in a lucrative job and am basically a student (am switching profession), SAHM and housekeeper. I used to be fiercely independent and we had a similar salary. My husband still earns a good salary but all I have is the rental income from the flat I lived in before we got together. I had to ask my husband to pay the nursery (4 days) a few months after I left work as this cost more than my flat income and it was eating into savings once everything else was paid on top. I'm now paying the groceries (about £500pm), DS' clothes and shoes, nespresso, my mobile bill, £35 for a classpass, the Internet, while my husband pays the bigger bills of nursery, council tax, electricity gas, car, his luxury gym, etc. He paid off the mortgage last year. But I constantly feel like I'm living on a shoestring compared to him.

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself? How did you negotiate the size of this? Is it a % of his income or you prepared a mini budget to demonstrate your outgoings? Or do you have a shared account only he pays into and everything comes out of that, but then he can look through every coffee you drank during the month? I'm so embarrassed to ask for money as I've been working since I was 15 and paid my own way through uni so it's just not in my dna to be someone's dependent!

The deal here was always that we’re a team, an me being at home stops him being fired!! (The years we both worked we both were always having to beg managers for time off etc when kids got sick/couldn’t find childcare or lifts home). How can you be a stay at home mum with no access to money for them? It’s not for you to go about treating yourself, it’s for you and your kids to live. You need to talk about it, either you’re both on board with you being a sahm or you’re not, in which case he takes over half of the life crap you’re sparing him.

You need to sit down and budget. The smallest thing your DJ can do to support you is financially.
In my case we had a joint account from which all bills were paid, and there used to be a lump sum on top for: groceries, clothes, clubs etc and my spending. We both had our own accounts - he used his for his social stuff. We also both had savings and he regularly paid into my ISA as well as his own.

In return I looked after the kids and ran the home. The kids were out for about 6hrs at school but after that I ran them to clubs etc. I did almost all our life admin. At times did voluntary work, and event got jobs. But I was SAHM because he was frequently travelling, so I had to be around.

If you're a sahm, why do you use a nursery?

Our finances are entirely joint, and have been since before I was a SAHM. All salaries are paid into the joint account, from which we pay bills, family related expenses and some savings. We send a fixed, equal amount of "fun money" to each of our personal accounts to save or spend as we like.

So I don't have to ask my husband for an allowance, as we both get personal spends and I have free access to the joint account for spending related to the house or our son.

I don't have my own income right now, but we pay privately into my pension from the joint account and I'm getting the national insurance state pension contributions. Technically you could say my husband is "providing" an allowance and paying my pension, but it's not how we view it.

Same here. If one of us wants to buy a big ticket item we discuss it, but that's it.

I’m shocked you never discussed this before. I’d only consider being a SAHM if all income is pooled with equal access. And you need to be having pension payments made from this joint income.

That sounds incredibly controlling - so you have zero access to money? Is it abusive in other ways? Is he open to conversations around ways to change this? You’re not his dependant, you’re both contributing to your family in different ways and if yours isn’t valued that’s an issue. What would happen if you wanted to leave?

Unless £50 a week is all that’s left after essentials, this is financial abuse. Please get a job so you are financially able to leave if you need to

It sounds like you’re not a partnership in financial terms. You pay for a b and c, he pays for x y and z.
In a partnership, all income would be combined and all bills paid out of that income. All savings and debts would be shared too.

Why are you asking your DJ to pay nursery fees. These should automatically come out of joint account money

If you don’t want a joint account then what ever income coming into the household, including your rental income you put onto a list each month. Your bills that month including nursery fees, DH commute amounts etc add up on a separate list. This is usually quite a steady figure. In my household that amount dh transferred to me (less his commute cost) so all bills were paid from my account. If you are getting rental income then you will take off the rental income and get the balance. What ever is left you can put some for joint savings and divide the rest between you for your own fun money so add this amount on to what he transfers to you. So you are both equal.

Remember being married is surrendering your independence. Being married means that although you have savings, a pension, property, high priced designer clothes and jewellery they aren’t really all yours. They are part of the marital pot.

Trying to keep separate finances just doesn’t go with signing your marriage certificate which is literally a contract to say everything is shared

You need to stop separating finances otherwise divorce and take your 50% of the marital pot and have your separate finances

Id never stand for someone thinks being a SAHM is sitting on your arse.

What do you actually do all day? Genuine question. If youngest is 15?
Don't you feel beholden to your husband, doesn't he feel resentful?

Yes, we run big ticket items past each other too. But these are usually exciting or important things that we'd be talking to each other about anyway.

Stupid question if you ask me.

Why wouldn't you. Mine went from age 2, normally three times a week. It was good for them

All our finances have always been shared, even before I was a SAHM. It just felt natural to be that way really, especially once married!

All money goes into a joint account where all bills come out of, then we both spend from my husband's credit card which is paid off from the joint account. Savings are mostly in various accounts in my name and some in his name - though, again, we absolutely view these as jointly owned savings regardless of whose name they're saved in (and I assume that would be the legal position anyway if we divorced as they're marital assets? Idk).

My husband rarely actually looks through the statements to see individual transactions, it's me who "manages" the money in that regard eg budget tracking. We both have very similar views of spending and finances which massively helps, we've never once argued about spending. I'd be hugely displeased to have my coffee spending monitored or criticised

It really depends how tight finances are. If finances aren’t tight just get him to pay the majority of his wage into a joint account - all bills are paid from this and then transfer money out for yourself as and when you
need it. He can do the same if he needs more that month.

if finances are tighter and you need a budget (or you’re the kind that spends as much as they have!) put all money in a JA, pay all bills from this and agree and amount that will be for each of you to spend as you please- the same amount.

when I was on mat leave I just took what I wanted from the JA. Now I’m part time I just keep my own wages and pay for anything that comes up - if I do a food shop, anything for children, my own clothes etc and his money in the JA pays all bills. He keeps a bit back in his own account for his own purchases. If we go out or go on holiday it’s paid from the JA.

with his bonuses we agree how to spend it jointly - money into his pension (I can’t pay extra into mine), put aside for home improvements, investing (we have a s&s isa each) or as a lump sum on the mortgage.

I think it also depends on whether one of you have a v expensive hobby or is likely to go on more holidays. My husband and I are similar in spending so it works well for us with no resentment.

we are very clear that contributing to a shared family life is more than what you bring financially. I may not have his salary but it would work if we both did his job. We are a team. He is an eater and I am a feeder, he is very organised with things like MOTs (lol) I bring spontaneity, he isn’t a good planner but I plan amazing holiday itineraries and plan days out….

All day to day money is in a joint account. Savings are in a mixture of joint accounts and sole accounts - the latter done mainly to be tax efficient. I have never had to ask DH for money and that includes me being able to go on girls' trips/holidays. DH is not a high earner by MN standards but we don't have lavish tastes and certainly have enough to live on.

I have been a SAHM for 2 years now although for the last six months I have been working 10 hrs p/w, term time only. Prior to that I worked in a profession for 15 years. I loved my career but family situation requires me to be at home for now...it certainly wasn't in the plan.

My husband and I have always had a joint account. We still do now. We budget regularly and check in on spending when we can.

I enable him to do his job and I manage the family. We get the highest income on this split. We are a team.

Why is it? How can a 15yo need a SAHP? So wtaf does she do with herself?

I was briefly a stay at home mum, I had access to our joint account and paid for what needed paying (nursery, clothes whatever). There was no asking, it was a given that these were shared costs

It's not at all relevant to the op.

Joint account from day one of marriage - and part of my criteria for agreeing to marry someone is that we had a similar approach to money. Marriage is a joint venture where both people need to be happy and thriving, and their contributions and spending do not have to equivalent to achieve this.

I will never understand how people share children but not money. If you can't agree on the latter, how are you going to be a solid unit for the former?

Why do you need to pay nursery fees if you’re a sahm? If you’re studying 4 days a week to retrain and that’s what the nursery fees are I’d say you weren’t a sahm, and so nursery fees should be paid by both of you

This is not okay! I'm the working parent, DW (we're both women) is the SAHP. All income is joint, we have a joint account, both have a card for it.

I would never ever want my DW to be in this position, your DH is unreasonable and being controlling.