How do SAHMs manage financially?

[YogiBearcub]

Embarassed to ask my friends this as they are all working, but for those of you who either aren't or those who have a husband earning significantly more, how to you split your finances?

I've recently stopped working after 18 years in a lucrative job and am basically a student (am switching profession), SAHM and housekeeper. I used to be fiercely independent and we had a similar salary. My husband still earns a good salary but all I have is the rental income from the flat I lived in before we got together. I had to ask my husband to pay the nursery (4 days) a few months after I left work as this cost more than my flat income and it was eating into savings once everything else was paid on top. I'm now paying the groceries (about £500pm), DS' clothes and shoes, nespresso, my mobile bill, £35 for a classpass, the Internet, while my husband pays the bigger bills of nursery, council tax, electricity gas, car, his luxury gym, etc. He paid off the mortgage last year. But I constantly feel like I'm living on a shoestring compared to him.

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself? How did you negotiate the size of this? Is it a % of his income or you prepared a mini budget to demonstrate your outgoings? Or do you have a shared account only he pays into and everything comes out of that, but then he can look through every coffee you drank during the month? I'm so embarrassed to ask for money as I've been working since I was 15 and paid my own way through uni so it's just not in my dna to be someone's dependent!

I had the best setup when I was a SAHM: one bank account, all of DH’s money went in and we both had a card. Oh and he doesn’t like admin so I was in charge of budgeting.

@Isometimeswonder in my experience of parenting ( my dc are adults now) teens need a sahp much more than primary age.

I worked part time, home at 2pm.
When my teens got in they would tell me all sorts that had happened.
They’d be bubbling with news, they would have friends in, their homework would be fresh in their memory.

At 6 pm most teens are in their rooms for the night.

I don't understand your point

Very, very few 15 year olds require paid care and the majority of people in work do their own shopping, cooking, washing up and cleaning. I can see why some people do it, but there’s much more risk in having one income, for both the non-earner and for the household than there is in both parents having an income, and by the time your kids are school age the risks far outweigh the benefits for most people (even if they don’t recognise it).

One pot.

For the obvious practical reasons, but also mindset wise. It creates an understanding that you're both contributing in different ways, and as income is only coming in from one party, it obviously must be shared. In rather the same way as the children are obviously equally his even though you do more care. I think 'his money' 'he paid for'...creates an imbalance. It would be 'our money' 'we paid the mortgage off.'

Well yeah, makes themselves a skivvy to a selfish arsehole at the expense of their own opportunities. That’s not a good thing and it is rather unfathomable that so many women accept it as their lot.

egzactly

What is it you like so much about admin, out of interest?

When I was out of work, my DP paid all bills and gave me £200 a week plus I had a small income from a flat rental. He earns well and we don't have many major outgoings and he's not money obsessed so asking him for what I need wasn't an issue.

Good gracious, you should be splitting his wage, paying bills and then sharing the rest, including your rental money presumably, or you may as well be a single parent, and go it alone.

What a prize he is, the selfish oaf.

I can’t believe you’ve put up with this ridiculous situation, he must be laughing all the way to his fancy gym.

I’m utterly astonished.

You are comparing apples and oranges.
And lacking in imagination.

We’re married, so our view over our 18 years and varying circumstances is that all earnings are shared. It’s ours, not mine or his. We have equal access to money, savings and spending amounts. We discuss all large purchases. I can’t imagine a world in which he “gave” me an “allowance”. That would feel so belittling to me. Our disposable is split equally between us.

Fwiw statistics apparently show that it’s women who spend 80% of the money.
Not hard to see why. They do the food shop, buy clothes for themselves and the dcs (if not for their dh too). They plan the hols, do all the admin (aka renew insurance, check deal for electricity and gas etc….) etc etc…

Just on that ground, it means that if the woman doesn’t work, then there isn’t a system where the SAHP receive an allowance and has to make do with that that will feel fair and comfortable for both partners.

If one worries about their dh counting the number of coffee theyve had in the month, then you need to worry about control. (Unless the amount spent is clearly out of line and more importantly not manageable budget wise)

@YogiBearcub I haven't read the whole thread but your position resonated with mine, albeit nearly 30 years ago now. I didn't have a rental income but at that stage almost all the equity in the house was mine and I had savings from a lucrative career. DH was at the start of his career and things were tight for the first year or two as I hadn't planned on giving up work but ds was quite poorly.

I did not have an income coming in (except for about £750 in interest and divis). DH literally took on all the bills.

Day to day I spent what was necessary: food, petrol, parking, clothes for DC and me, household stuff, window cleaner, soft play, haircuts, dentist, etc. I put all the receipts in a box and recorded each one in a little notebook in the box. At the end of the month, DH wrote me a cheque.

It worked for three reasons:

1. I had a float in my bank account from the start

1. We have very similar attitudes to money and spending.

1. He is a very decent man and never questioned a single penny.

Funnily enough it was DH who would sometimes say "does it really piss you off that I've just spent £150 on three shirts or £300 on a suit when you're living in leggings and jerseys". And no it didn't, he needed expensive stuff for work (legal culture) and I was playing for most of the day.

We are married. We are one unit. We put money into one bank account, we both spend. My lack of economically productive activity supports his economically productive activity. DH doesn't question me so long as we can afford what I spend. He does occasionally say we should wait on things.

What conversations did you and your husband have about money before you left your job?

Exactly this. What was said? What was the financial plan going to be?

Was the plan for you to give up work and become a student agreed between the two of you?

If you have a decent dh and an equal relationship you pool all income and never have to ask for anything.

We are married. We are one unit. We put money into one bank account, we both spend. My lack of economically productive activity supports his economically productive activity.

Yes, you work as a team!

Op, what discussion did you have with your husband when you decided to quit work?

Imagine being this cynical.

We have a joint account that both our salaries go into. Mine is a tiny part of it. I do sporadic contract type work. Husband earns 7 figures. He has never controlled access to funds. We discuss major bills coming up so no one inadvertently eats into that

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself?

Are you joking?

All earnings and other income is SHARED and is accessible to both of us!

I'm so embarrassed to ask for money

From your own family/husband ?! Surely he should want to share his life and assets with you?

You need to decide all your finances together. One joint account that all bills are paid out of, that includes all your bills like phone etc then at the end of bills you split whatevers left 50 50 for each of you to spend in your own separate accounts if you like.

Do not call yourself a sahm or a housekeeper you're retraining that's of the benefit to the whole family whether that's for more money more flexibility or just purely your happiness that benefits the entire family. Presumably you're studying 4 days a week so that's still work. Just no wage currently.

Eveything needs to be as 50 50 as possible house work childcare mental load family admin. Sit down and delegate together who is doing what/when.

He isn't paying for nursery you both are. Everything is a joint decision and joint access.

I treat staying at home as a job. So I am a housekeeper/homemaker. I’m responsible for everything from car maintenance, cleaning, diary and gardening.

level one jobs (like washing up, cooking, bedtimes, daily stuff) is always split.

All our money has been pooled together since our first was born, But as most of the wage I was earning childcare/cleaner etc. we now save money and are better off with me doing it all, plus massively reduced stress levels. I love what I do now, no boss to answer to, house runs well, I’m home if my child’s sick and my husband can concentrate on his career/earn more income for us.

it’s not a life everyone would choose, and I can go back to my career if I wish to/if anything happens to our relationship etc. so I have insurance. At the moment this works really well for us.

All our money is shared, not that I'm bringing anything in at the moment!

All bills, children's clothes etc are paid from a joint account and both my husband and I take the same amount each as 'fun' money for things like haircuts, clothes, going out with friends etc etc. We like this as we can buy each other gifts without the other seeing the bank statements prior to the surprise etc!