How do SAHMs manage financially?

[YogiBearcub]

Embarassed to ask my friends this as they are all working, but for those of you who either aren't or those who have a husband earning significantly more, how to you split your finances?

I've recently stopped working after 18 years in a lucrative job and am basically a student (am switching profession), SAHM and housekeeper. I used to be fiercely independent and we had a similar salary. My husband still earns a good salary but all I have is the rental income from the flat I lived in before we got together. I had to ask my husband to pay the nursery (4 days) a few months after I left work as this cost more than my flat income and it was eating into savings once everything else was paid on top. I'm now paying the groceries (about £500pm), DS' clothes and shoes, nespresso, my mobile bill, £35 for a classpass, the Internet, while my husband pays the bigger bills of nursery, council tax, electricity gas, car, his luxury gym, etc. He paid off the mortgage last year. But I constantly feel like I'm living on a shoestring compared to him.

How do others manage this? Do you get an allowance from your husband which you manage yourself? How did you negotiate the size of this? Is it a % of his income or you prepared a mini budget to demonstrate your outgoings? Or do you have a shared account only he pays into and everything comes out of that, but then he can look through every coffee you drank during the month? I'm so embarrassed to ask for money as I've been working since I was 15 and paid my own way through uni so it's just not in my dna to be someone's dependent!

I ended up a sahp as our ds is disabled. I got carers allowance ,

We have a joint bills account we both pay into. That covers all bills, food , petrol, household expenses and house maintenance . Dh pays a lot more in than me , we do it so we both have the same amount left after bills are paid. We also jointly agree how much to save.

I didn't have a pension though. (Had one previously whilst working) When I went back into work after ds started school I worked part time so I was only paying £30 a month to my pension. I realised dh was paying £350 (almost more than my salary ) a month and if we split /widowed my retirement would be far from stable. I've increased it a few times I'm now paying £160 a month. We recently looked at a forecast mines set to be around 12k a year and dh around 30k. (He's 7 years younger than me as well)

We plan to continue to increase mine over next few years to hopefully get it up a bit more.

I would only be a sahp if my value and contribution was considered equal to dhs (it is) and if we were equal in finances.

If I could go back I would have taken out a private pension that matched dhs.

Sorry. Too early to read properly. 🫣

This is awful - an eye test is essential for your health, absolutely the sort of thing that should be viewed as a joint/household cost!

He is financially abusive, please seek support and consider leaving him.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. OH paid all the bills. We didn't have a shared bank account,but I had full access to his(I managed our finances during that period ) so I just transferred myself money as and when I needed it. I never had to ask.

If you are married, then pensions are part of the pot that would be split if you divorced. So even though his pension is bigger, in the event of a split it would be taken into account and you should get a fair share (or a larger share of other assets to reflect the pension disparity).

You are married and have a child. I assume your house is in joint names. As sucu finances should be joint and equal access. Most pp's have this arrangement.

SAHM for many years. All our finances are joint, one account, one credit card account. Everything goes into that account, and out of that account. We have joint savings too. My large inheritance went into the slush fund. We do have individual ISA's and pensions, but it's all perceived to be joint access cash.

@Itsallok I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has such a narrow view and low value in child raising.

When I was a sahm, everything was 100% joint.

It only works IMO if both partners see the SAHP as making a contribution to the family that is just a valid and valuable as the working parent. If either of you doesn’t see it like that, go back to work. You’re not a child who should be given an allowance- you’re an adult who is the equal of your husband.

It’s clearly not viable for you to running down your savings while your husband keeps his income for himself. In a few years you’ll have no savings, no job and not many options.

What about your pension? I’m guessing nobody is paying anything into that?

Blimey. That's pretty offensive.

If a DH was that dismissive of a mother after their kids, MN would usually be pretty horrified.

I have half of absolutely everything, my name is on our property and we both just use the joint account for spending. Neither one of us has more or less than the other. I wouldn't have dropped out of the workforce under any other terms.

I wouldn't tolerate having an allowance - we're either a team of equals with a divide in home and work labour or we are two working individuals with divided home labour. I wouldn't be in a relationship where I would have my hand out for pocket money.

Once we had kids our money all went into one pot.

He gets a family for free, while you get to look after the family all day and sacrifice your career and paid work and financial freedom because you can’t do both so you’re tired and poor. WHY DO WOMEN STILL ACCEPT THIS?? if he wants the family, he needs to contribute. Give him two options - you go back to work and he does half of everything. Mental load included. Meal planning shopping cooking cleaning birthday present buying nights and nappies. Or he contributes to the household finances so you’re not broke.

We have one joint bank account. All money in & all bills paid out of it.
Neither of us questions the others spending as it's always within reason. Larger purchases discussed. It's mostly DH earning though and I'm the one looking after the finances. His attitude is all money is family money.

It's par for the course in this neck of the woods. Just ignore them.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist yes that's true but I can't work full time due to my sons needs so that money would potentially be required for day to day life so may not be there come retirement Also ds will need support in adulthood so it's not a typical situation.

I’m a SAHM (love it)!

DH and I discussed at length what finances would look like and came up with 3 key principles:

1. mindset = its family money, not his/yours. With kids in the picture, it means all money in our house is considered family money.
2. practicality = as I’m the one who is doing food shops and taking DC places DH gives me money for that. I have created a budget for this and I’m good at sticking to it. Also, because I’m not in paid work, I orchestrate all our expenses like getting the best renewals on utilities and insurance etc.
3. communication = if there’s a bigger expense coming up like boiler service etc I have a reminder in the calendar a month in advance and I remind DH that I’ll need more that month.

We are not a high earning family so we budget, budget, budget, and don’t have anything on finance. Only time anything isn’t paid for upfront is a mortgage!

Ultimately, it’ll look different for different families, but open communication is really key, as well as the mindset shift if you’ve previously been a couple who’ve kept things quite separate.

It only works IMO if both partners see the SAHP as making a contribution to the family that is just a valid and valuable as the working parent.

Completely agree with this. You have to see yourselves as a team, so in my view “team money” is the only way to go. We had a joint account. I’d discuss a big purchase (but would have done when I was working as well, to be fair) - so would ask before I bought a car, but not if I bought a cardigan.

An allowance? Like a child?

And you're worried he would scrutinise every purchase you would make from a joint account?

This doesn't sound like a great marriage.

We have a joint account but for various other reasons we both use credit cards for day to day spending. These are paid in full from the joint account each month. We're married so we share everything, responsibilities and spoils alike.

Salary into a joint account. We both have credit cards which are paid off via the joint account. We also have current accounts with cash in which are topped up as and when necessary from the joint account. So neither see what the other is buying and have freedom to spend as we like. All income is seen as family income.
Neither of us are very reckless spenders and we discuss big purchases.

Wages go into one account, bills are paid from there. Money gets moved to another account for food and groceries, whatever's left gets split between our personal accounts. We have a joint savings account for big purchases or if one of us is running low on funds and independent savings and investments for the future.
It's been this way since we got together and we both worked.

So used to similar earnings to husband but now am sahm and he’s high earner - everything goes into joint account and we buy everything out of that. A few things to pick up on - it’s not his money, it’s our money and we both refer to it at such, we are partners, I look after our children and we both decided I was stay at home for a few years while they were small, so therefore of course I have the same decision making power etc. in relation to what I buy, he would never dream of checking this. He also does half the parenting/household tasks when he is home. What did you discuss when you decided to make this move?

Joint account, equal access. Unless one of you is a reckless spender and the other an obsessive saver or tightarse of course!

I've never understood this way of thinking. I work part time because of our kids, therefore i don't contribute as much as he does. He earns a lot more than me and it was a joint decision for me to work part time to help our family. If I run out of money I just ask him to send me some to get me through to pay day. He's my husband and we share everything with each other which includes money. I find it strange when other couples don't but then everyone's different.

Why has OP quit her job then if she does not have the child that much during the week??

She is retraining to change profession. Says so in the second paragraph of her OP. So she's a student rather than a SAHM.

Really offensive - i work just as hard minding my kids as I did in a pretty high up role and the hours are longer!