Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

If it’s ’life stuff’ then presumably you’ve been involved in this spending too - why were you not aware of this debt racking up in the background. It sounds like you are both guilty of burying your head in the sand and not dealing with it sooner so you can’t walk away and leave him to it now.

I think if there's no untoward reasons for the debt and he's genuinely struggling and over his head, I would take over managing the family finances. Your salaries combined should easily be able to pay that off

Did you have no idea about your family finances? Did you never have sight of bank or credit card statements?

I think as a family it isn't fair to leave it to one person to shoulder the burden. He could have been more open, you could have been keeping better track. It's done now though, we all make mistakes. It won't be the end of the world. Get together and make a plan for paying it back and for budgeting from now on. It sounds like you have a decent household income so if you are sensible you can sort this together and move forward.

You earn huge amounts between you and are in 100k of debts? What on earth has it gone on , assuming not on increased mortgage payments or anything essential like that?

How on earth can you have had no idea debt was racking up to this degree? Are you sure it's "just life stuff"?

I think you need to work through it together and work out repayments. I think he does need to agree to not having credit cards etc. Really, how could you not know? Surely you must have known you were spending beyond your means each month

Do you know what has caused the debt?

I think your mum is right.

Your combined income is very comfortable so this seems entirely resolvable with time - but it will require both of you to be open and engaged regarding money, and you're going to have to collectively rein your spending right back in ways that will probably appear less like 'a nice life'. As a starting point it would be really beneficial for you to both understand how you've arrived at this point.

Chin up, it'll be all right.

You must have known how much you were spending as a family? No one can be that blind.

Well if you've been blindly spending just assuming his big paycheque will fund your extravagant lifestyle and he's not had the heart to stop you then of course you should stick in and help pay it. Ignorance isn't an excuse in that instance. If he's been secretly haemorrhaging money on luxuries for himself then he wades through the shit alone. That would be my take on it.

Get on MoneySavingExpert and make a plan. it is possible to cut back on your spending and pay off this much debt. you and your DH need to be open with each other and disciplined about managing the debt and then you can do it.

Get your credit rating fixed by making regular payments then switch debt around interest free credit/lower credit. life really is short, try to be pragmatic about it.

Im in a similar position and feel sick when I open my credit card app, however I’ve had to pay for two holidays booked before COL increases and mortgage increases (with large non refundable deposits), so I’m not beating myself up too much and have reigned in spending now.
Your earnings are very mismatched, is your DH feeling more burdened by being the breadwinner?

Can you consider making extra income? Vinted/ Facebook selling? Avon?

Your friend is clueless. You’re married, it’s joint debt, you couldn’t just walk away and be debt free even if you wanted to!

You've got high incomes which stands you in good stead. Start a thread on Money Saving Expert, Debt-free wannabe — MoneySavingExpert Forum, you'll get good advice there about the best pathway forward.

I don't get why your mum is leaping to leaving him - did he cause this? Or was it joint expenditure that you weren't on top off.

Incidentally, my guess is this is probably one of those situations where money has gone on new cars/kitchen/holidays and frittering type stuff and you've convinced yourselves that everyone has these things or that on your combined income you ought to be able to afford them. If where it's really gone is wildly different to that, then I might revise my previous answer.

Sorry, *why your friend is leaping to leaving him - got your mum and friend mixed up.

Step change and Christian’s against poverty provide free debt advice.
Do not pay anyone to help you at this point.
Money Saving Expert Debt free board is also a wonderful resource.
the Statement of affairs they have a link to is a brilliant starting point as it makes you consider all your income and outgoings and the debt and its repayment interest all in one place
take a bit of time and get it all down on paper, and see how you can repay this.

You've both racked up these debts so it's hardly a reason to leave. You have been living a life well beyond your means. It's incredible that you have no idea of the family finances. Your husband has been shouldering all the responsibility and it sounds like he's drowning. You need debt counselling advice. Cut up your credit cards now. Go through your bank statement and cancel everything you can, including holidays. Write down all your debts. Cut back all unnecessary spending. You are probably going to have to negotiate repayments. You earn a good income, it certainly can be done working as a team.

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt

Yes, I'm sure your lifestyle would be infinitely better renting somewhere with two kids, poor credit and earning £25k 🙄

With your kind of income it's not the end of the world OP. But it needs a serious sitting down, sacking off a bunch of shit and coming up with a plan.

Switching CCds to zero interest and locking them away type of stuff.

Hell probably feel better now he's shared but there's to be no more spending and there has to have been some proper bury head in sand spending going on between the both of you

@isthewashingdryyet you beat me to the StepChange suggestion. They are great and give lots of good, free advice.

And half the debt which would be even higher with the cost of a divorce thrown in on top!

I agree you must have helped with the racking up debts if there is no gambling/drugs involved.