Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

As A PP said, if it's gone on "life stuff" surely you'd have been involved in the spending too and known roughly what was affordable and what wasn't?

If OTOH he's stuck his head in the sand and you've just relied on being married to a "rich" man that's not something to leave him over since you'd both be complicit

Fortunately there are plenty of agencies who'll help you with this - some mentioned upthread - and with your joint income it's not irreparable, so all in all it could be a whole lot worse

How stressful op some good advice on here

These types of posts pop up every so often and whilst yes it his fault - you have all benefited from this debt

Was it holidays, takeaways, nice clothes? A bit of tech?

Where did you think they were coming from?

It’s not a total betrayal because it went on the family

Sell the house, pay off as much debt as you can if you have enough profit & start again. Perhaps a small 2/3 bed flat to begin with. Pride shouldn't enter into this type of situation OP. Hope it all works out for you 💐

Its both your debt. You have to both sit down and look through all expenses and cut back e.g. sky, kids clubs, holidays, second car etc. Work out a way to live within your means and pay off this massive debt. Otherwise it's going to grow.

Gambling or drugs debts accumulate quickly but if it’s genuinely not that, you will have been living well beyond your means for a very long time to rack this up. This means that you have to be realistic in your repayment plan. It will be difficult for you to take the drop and live within your means, let alone the £500 - 1K a month repayments. Get some decent debt specialist advice, but my gut instinct would be to release equity or downsize and learn to budget. Don’t leave him, if you are right and it’s lifestyle related, it’s both your debt. Good luck, it will be ok.

Search for Dave Ramsey videos, he’s US based but see how he talks to people in major debt. He’d say sell expensive cars, get a run around, sell anything you don’t move then cut back all spending, shop at Aldi. With your income you can make a massive dent in this very quickly.

You really are not. As pps have suggested, I would head over to the Money Saving Expert Debtfree Wannabe board for advice and also to see that you are far from the only one in this situation.

Good luck, you have a good income between you and this is salvagable, it will take work and a change of mindset, but this can be sorted.

Sounds like you both have an unhealthy relationship with money. Suggestions:

1. new better paying jobs for you both
2. Down size house and roll into smaller mortgage, possibly release equity to pay off the debt in one (depending on interest rate/accrual).

Take a breath... give your husband a hug and remind yourselves that you have an income of over £100K and a mortgage that is being paid.

Find someone to help you... not someone who you are going to feel judged by.

This is a family problem, not a husband problem.. go forward together.. splitting your family over this would not help you... you would struggle to house and support 2 kids on £25K even with CMS of £500 per month which is based on his income and assuming 50/50, the debt would be split on divorce so your share of the assets would be impacted by it..

How could you not know about this? Have you just been very passive and let/expected him to deal with all the finances?

You need to sit down together and work out a list of all your regular outgoings other than debt servicing, including a figure for food, clothes etc which assumes you are all going to live frugally till this is paid off, and then have a look at what you can cut down on - for instance, are there subscriptions that can go, cancel any holidays if you can, run a cheaper car, fuel bills you can cut down on etc. Then work out what you have got left to pay off the debt. If it's not enough to service the debt, contact the various creditors to explain the situation, ask if any would consider a payment holiday, and offer to pay what you can. Obviously cut up any credit cards. Investigate whether you can get a job that pays a bit better.

You can sort this out OP, you just need to work it out calmly and sensibly.

Did you spend big on holidays. Cars. Home renovations and refurbishments? Eating out a lot? Private school ?

You have a really good income between you you just need to really cut back on our spending for the next 4-5 years and you will be ok

you probably need to cut out some expensive habits?

I've only read OP's comments, so apologies if someone else has posted this - here was a poster on the other side of your issue a few months ago.

If you're confident there's no dodgy behaviour on his part, then her posts will give you an insight into how the sort of thing arises, the toll it can place on the "responsible" partner, and crucially, the action that can be taken to resolve it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5035964-dh-angry-with-me-over-debt-not-sure-its-all-my-fault

Another Dave Ramsey vote here. There's loads of FB groups that are Dave-ish as like his main steps not the man.
You can do this, i actually think you should tackle it together and I'm sure you can be confident it won't happen again

this sounds like a joint debt so a joint problem so no way should you leave him for this. It’s also not THAT bad given particularly his salary is high.

it sounds like you’ve been living beyond your means for a while though so need to accept some lifestyle compromises. Sit down and work out monthly income and outgoings. Obviously there’s life’s essentials and then there’s things that can be cut out. The more brutal you are the shorter period you need to do it for.

work out where you can make sacrifices and make a budget and stick with it so you are paying off principal amounts each month as well as the interest. Obviously any savings you have can be used as well if you are lucky enough to have some.

If you have a mortgage you may also consider phoning the bank and asking if you can draw down £x extra on your mortgage and use that to pay off the debt as I assume the interest rate on your mortgage is lower than this debt.

Then there’s earning more… if taking on extra hours or doing any extra work is an option and having a clear out to sell things you don’t need. Any £1 you make is £1 you are not paying interest on!

Oh total sympathy for you all, but as other posters have said great salary so with good work of charities/debt restructuring and both of your strong will ye will sort it in time.

Do ye live in an area where you could rent out a room or two for 6/12 months know not ideal but it would help.

I think with the cost of living as well most of us are still spending more than we should or can afford to.

Can you try few food/other item sites Olio Freecycle etc and anything you save from these use it for debts. Supermarket end of day deals for freezer etc and maybe some day you can pay it forward and help charities a little financially or with your time.

Best of luck and take it step by step and try not to over stress. 💕

If HE spent it, and the loans and credit cards are in HIS name, then it's HIS debt.

Honestly I’m with your mum, unless he’s buying fancy stuff for himself and you’ve been living in destitution then you contributed to this too and you should have been looking at your joint finances too. This is 50% you.

You can dig yourselves out, it’s not the end of the world you need to start cutting.

I don’t know how you couldn’t know about 100k debt and not have done something about it. Batshit crazy.

Don’t waste your time feeling ashamed, OP. We’ve all done stupid shit sometime in our lives. I wouldn’t bin DH off either. You’ll do better facing this together.

Ignore the rude comments here, and especially don’t let them deter you from reading the full thread. People are posting some useful practical advice on how to get organised and pay off your debts.

Best of luck with it all. It will probably be hard work, but you can get there.

You can clear this OP as you have a very large joint income. It won't be any fun to give up the lifestyle you've enjoyed and you'll have to stop "keeping up with the Joneses" but it is possible. And once it's done then you'll be much wiser about money moving forward.

Agree with this.

Of coursebits your problem too. How on earth can you be unaware that you have overspent to this degree. Unless it has been deliberately hidden and spent on gambling or drugs you need to take equal responsibility. Head in the sand sailing along blissfully unaware is not wise. Stay and face up to the problems and take an adult approach. Maybe CAB would be a start.

You knew there was debt but were happy enough to carry on the same without looking to see what was causing it?

Could you live on his salary whilst paying debt from yours?