Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

You are in shock now but you both need a plan to reduce and eliminate the debt.

Do you know the value of assets, such as equity, cars etc? It may help you to put the debt into perspective. You must have e around 7k net each month so there will be areas you can cut back on and a debt charity will help with priorisarion.

I think your mum is right, work on this together as it seems to have been caused jointly.

How long has it taken the debt to accrue?

Somehow (to me) that matters. If it's taken 10 years to grow that big then it's lifestyle creep and over spending.

If you did it in 2 years it must be related to a couple of big expenses.

You can absolutely solve this, you must pull together as a team.

How didn't you know? I presume cos you didn't wanna know!

Depends what 'life stuff' means. How many exotic holidays per year, hair, nails, facials, plastic surgery, designer shoes and handbags, restaurants and take-aways, the type of cars, and on, and on.

How do you not have a joint account where you can see what comes in and what comes out?

100k is a big debt but you make 125k, you can pay it off. You could probably cut back on lifestyle and use his 97k as income, and your 25k as debt payments.

Go to your bank for a financial consultation, and watch Dave Ramsay or any budgeting channels on YouTube/online.

See with your bank/another bank if you can consolidate all of the debt onto one no interest card, agree on an amount you can pay off each month and then adjust your lifestyle around that. Sell a car, miss out on a summer holiday, no more golf/spa weekends/whatever it is. It won’t be long before you’re back on track.

Also - your friend is being ridiculous. Rather than him actively hiding the debt it actually sounds from your posts like you knew well you were in debt, you simply weren’t interested to know more and naively presumed it was being handled.

This.

Don't take any drastic steps until you have a complete picture of your finances and have reviewed all spending. It is likely that you will need a complete reset about what are necessary amounts you need to spend on groceries, leisure etc but it could well be that a few years of frugal living might be all it takes to get out of debt.

Or it could be that a more formal solution like IVAs for one or both of you might be appropriate but no-one can say without a full picture of your finances and advice from a debt charity.

So he hasn't even lied or hidden anything as such, and you've been overspending as a family presumably ..... I'm struggling to see how you could be so oblivious to your family finances tbh.
Sit down together, go through ALL of your outgoings and make a budget (including debt repayments) and stick to it. It will mean having to be frugal for the next few years but it's doable on your salaries.

Ps - look up the Dave Ramsay snowball method for debt repayment

I’m still wondering how you manage to spend £100k on life stuff and not know what you’ve spent it on! Surely you have something to show for it - new kitchen, car etc?

Nobody can be that naive and if you are then you are both culpable for the debt - have you been honest about what the money went on with your friend before she suggested you leave?

I’ve some personal experience of similar so really feel for you @Inahole its such a shock and a lot to process.

given that you’re married so will end up ‘owning’ some of it one way or another and as long as you’re 100% confident there’s nothing dodgy going own I think you’re going to have to roll your sleeves up and help sort the immediate mess out. Set the future and your relationship etc to one side for a little while to try to put the fire out.

do a spreadsheet of everything coming in and out and another with all the debt and interest rates, minimum payments and anything overdue

get both your credit reports - make sure you have sight of everything

when is your mortgage fixed until?

look at any options to consolidate as long as it’s not increasing overall interest if credit rating is good enough.

what can you cut? Could you have one car or 2 cheaper ones? Cancel any holidays etc planned unless already paid and non refundable. Can you cut food shop/ anything non essential?

what can you sell?

set to work paying anything overdue first then minimum payments on everything with whatever extra you have going on highest interest first.

this is going to painful and no quick fix but you’ll both need to got your teeth and get through it. It didn’t accumulate overnight, it’ll be the same on the way down.

good luck!

He's told you so you need to be proactive and not put it off. Cancel any subscriptions you don't need or use immediately then call a debt helpline and make an appointment. CAP are brilliant and non judgemental. They need to know all income, debts, who with etc. They then contact the people you are owe money to and agree a monthly figure you can afford to pay back. First step is hardest but worth it.

You have a decent income between you, so do six things.

1.Remove responsibility for money from your DH. He's stressed to breaking point and it obviously isn't one of his talents. Take it off his hands, and he should feel better instantly.

2.Sit down and work out what needs paying first. Which is the highest interest. Secured against unsecured etc. Move money between 0% credit cards to maintain your credit rating while you pay it off.

3.Write a plan to make savings. Do not book, or cancel holidays this year. Stop eating out. Cook at home together instead. Cut out any luxuries - gym, sky, memberships, subscriptions, nails, facials, massages etc.

4.Take a close look at your daily spending - lunches, coffees, groceries. Two adults, 2 kids - you should be spending in the region of £100 a week on food. Aldi rather than Waitrose. Set a budget and stick to it. Clothes are another big one. Cut right back to only what you absolutely need. M&S rather than Me+Em.

5.Can you earn more? Work more hours? Or sell any big ticket items? Downsize cars?

6.Cut up all but one credit card. That is for emergencies only.

You need to work as a team to pay it off. With a bit of effort you can clear it in three years. Divorce will just land you in more debt with legal fees and needing two homes. How will that help? Time to put your big girl pants on !!

This is solvable.
PPs have suggested living on your husband's salary and use your salary to pay off the debt.

Definitely make an appointment with an advisor at your bank.

Make a list/spreadsheet of all of your essential bills and see what's left.
All non essentials need to be jettisoned. That will include the latte on the way to work, the fancy pants shower gel, the takeaways , gym membership etc...

You'll get there.

Do you work full time? If not, you need to increase your hours asap. If this is your full time wage, you need to look at increasing it by other means - overtime, a second evening or weekend job. I think it’ll be easier for you to quickly increase your earnings than your husband. All extra income needs to go on servicing the debt.

Look at cutting down on everything. I assume you have no idea of your outgoings, so go through all direct debits and standing orders and cancel anything that’s not a necessity. Then look at selling anything you have that you’re not using or children have outgrown. Try to recoup any costs on expensive luxuries you’ve bought too. And if you’ve bought anything recently and can return it, then take it back to the shop tomorrow.

Also your friend/colleague not only sounds pretty stupid but also so unpleasant. You’ve both spent and enjoyed the money so you need to solve it together.

I’m still wondering how you manage to spend £100k on life stuff and not know what you’ve spent it on! Surely you have something to show for it - new kitchen, car etc?

As above. What has that much money been spent on?

This. Baffling. First step is going through statements together. This is not his problem alone.

How is this even possible? Don’t you know what’s coming in and out?

Make a spreadsheet.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

I assume you are angry at him AND you?

How on earth have YOU, OP, allowed the debt to grow in this way?

OP never said she 'didn't know' though.
And IMO it's easily done with credit cards. DH and I have a basic AMEX (long story) and the credit limit is 26K a month!
We don't get anywhere near that of course, but it's so easy to put things on CC, underpay, promise yourself you'll make up for it next month, but something else crops up.
Also, 97K sounds like a great salary, until you realise that the take-home pay is only 2/3rds of that after tax and NI.

OP, people have given good tips but I'd strongly advise you to stop using CC's as a matter of urgency. It's a great way to manage cashflow and collect points, but only for people with a strong handle on budgeting.

Our CC's are paid off in full every month. No exceptions. We only take holidays when we have most of it saved up in cash already and after emergency fund etc has been considered.

There is some good advice on here but also some very poor advice.

I also recommend the MSE Debt Free Wannabe boards that many have recommended. They are not harsh at all they are very supportive. The first thing that they try and get across is that this is absolutely 100% solvable.

Don't make any big decisions until you go there and until you consult a debt charity.

Three things NOT to do:

1. do not consider consolidating to a secured loan - this makes the debt secured against your home, whereas credit card debt is not secured against your home.

2. do not pay for advice - debt charities like stepchange and debtline are great and will support you with free advice

3. there is no need to sell your biggest asset ( your home) to pay this off. There are a myriad more options before you do this.

To everyone advising cutting everything to the bone - this is not a sustainable strategy. A better strategy is to negotiate lower repayments and have enough to live on so that you are able to manage the years of repayments without being utterly miserable. Promise.

I can't understand how you don't know the family finances. That said print off bank statements for the last 1 year and sit down together and go through them 1 by 1. Pick out anything you can go without so any subscriptions, look at internet package can that be reduced? Phone contracts can you both switch to SIM only, you can keep your same number? Smarty do a SIM only unlimited minutes, unlimited tethering, unlimited text and calls and 56 days EU for about £20 pcm. All holidays will be out for a few years. Cut back on food. Meal plan 2 cheap days with a jacket potato or beans on toast each week. No eating out. No coffee out take a coffee in a cup out with you. Make kids take a packed lunch instead of school hot lunches. DH and you take a packed lunch. I helped my sister with this same problem about 7 or 8 years ago. She was £37k in debt but their combined income was less than half yours. I went through bank statements with her and found things like fresh flowers subscription, lots of TV subscriptions and ridiculous amounts spent on coffee and lunches put by her DH. I helped her meal plan and budget. She and her DH agreed to cut their cards up and I helped her pay it off on the condition they cut up cards. It took her over 4 years but she paid it all off.

Definitely not worth leaving your husband over! Go through all your bank statements- if you have sky etc cancel it. Anything with the highest apr pay it off first. Your incomes it shouldn’t be a problem! Can you move any of it to reduce the repayments. Anything you can sell? Can you take food out with you when you go for days out? There’s loads of ideas there’s a great chap called Alvin Hall and he has a book which shows how to manage money.

Go to the money saving expert website. There is a debt free wannabe forum on there with experts who can advise on how to tackle this.

I've been in the same situation, but not to the same degree. At the time, I'd just had a baby and we'd been posted to a totally new area (military), so I wasn't working. My husband was earning about 30k. We'd racked up 8k in debt when he broke down and told me. He'd also just volunteered for redundancy so we were at risk of having no home if he was one of the chosen ones. Whenever I'd asked if we could afford something, he'd always told me yes. I don't think I'll ever understand why he hadn't wanted to tell me no. I'm a very reasonable person.
From that day, I took over the finances because I did lose some trust in him. I went through them with a fine tooth comb, sold anything of value that wasn't needed, made no unnecessary spending, only bought cheap food, and moved everything I could to a lower interest rate, and made sure to chuck as much money as I could to those with higher interest.
I'll admit, I resented him for not just saying earlier, and for me then having to shoulder the burden of sorting it out. I've seen people ask earlier in this thread, why weren't you also aware of the finances. Well in my case, because he was the one bringing the money in, I felt like it was his money. That's why I always asked if we could afford something before we bought it. I'm far more proactive now. In fact, I don't think he even knows what we have in our accounts! But I feel safer.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It'll be a slow process, but as long as your bills are covered, you will get through this. Communication between the two of you is key going forwards. Best of luck.

You’ve no idea where a hundred grand went? Are you real?