Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Start by listing all the credit cards you have debt on, the amount, the interest rate and the minimum payment each month. Look at moving the debt onto interest free cards, but whilst doing that try to pay the most you can afford off the highest interest rate ones and just over the minimum on the others. List all your monthly bills, if you have annual bills, split them down to a monthly amount. Check you can cover your bills and then look at what you can pay off the cc's each month.
It is doable, but will be hard and not a quick fix.

Look up Dave Ramsey baby steps - he's American but it can be used in the UK too. There is a UK Facebook group if that helps.

It’s pretty easy to run up debts having a ‘nice life’ if you also have big mortgage payments, childcare, and then have expensive cars, a new kitchen / bathroom and a holiday.

But as others have said, you can manage this.

First go through your monthly budget and expenditure and create a realistic budget for the month.

Ditch any obvious non-necessities.

Then look at how the debt is made up and do what you can to minimise the interest you pay. Credit Cards are usually the worst.

MSE is good on the order in which to pay down debt, and ways to move debt around to minimise interest.

Look at income: can you earn more?

Look at Equity: drastic, but could you downsize? (This comes with expensive costs, and might cause you to lose a beneficial mortgage rate, so probably only realistic if you have a lot of equity in an enormous mansion in an expensive area, with a big mortgage payment).

Don’t panic.

Do talk with DP about sharing the responsibility and burden of money etc.

Maybe start with some easy wins. What are some expenses you can cut back, or completely cut out, to free up some money to put towards the debt?

If the issue has been overspending on 'lifestyle' stuff then mathematically, this is a very manageable situation. Psychologically, perhaps not easy since you're going to have to slam the brakes on spending that has probably been fairly unconstrained, but it doesn't sound like you're in the kind of debt that there's really no way out of.

I was going to suggest the same. He's great!

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if you contact Christians Against Poverty they may be able to work with you and your husband if they have a set up in your area. They are absolutely amazing. They will contact your creditors on your behalf and can negotiate with them to stop interest being added to your debt. The added interest is what often pushes people into anxiety and being unable to cope - it seems that your husband may be dealing with these feelings of loss of control - if people are trying to deal with debts but it is not shrinking because of interest it can feel frightening. CAP will work with you to draw up a repayment plan based on your income and debt and they will communicate with your creditors to get them to accept this. You do not have to do the difficult task of persuading the creditors as CAP have trained staff to do this for you You must be willing to follow their guidance however and try to stick to the budget they help you draw up. You could become debt free much quicker than you think possible. It might mean a few sacrifices ( eg perhaps cut back on holidays or home improvements for a while ) but they will really help you to become debt free. Martin Lewis has commended them in the past for the emotional and practical help they offer. It is really worth contacting them there is no catch but they will offer to pray for you if they see that you are anxious but you are under no obligation to take them up on that. The organisation is motivated by a desire to free families from the awful consequences of debt and stress. The founder experienced this in his own life and set up CAP to help families

So the overspending and disorganisation is a joint problem that you need to tackle together. Your friend/colleague has given you some seriously questionable advice, unless the overspending has been by Dh solo behind your back (eg new family car and not telling you how much it really cost). I can’t fathom how you think that you’re anything other than jointly responsible for this pickle, in the absence of gambling or dishonesty.

You’ve got a healthy family income. Your dh needs your support to keep his mental health sound so he can keep working and keep his high earning job.

there’s been some great suggestions here from people who can help; I would emphasise that your main priority is prioritising and consolidating the debt so you’re paying off the highest interest ones first, avoiding excess fees and penalties and then consolidating onto the lowest interest rate possible.

It’s futile cancelling memberships and shopping around to save a few pounds on your grocery bill if you’re paying multiple hundreds (or thousands)of pounds interest every month.

Im not on my high horse by the way - I misjudged paying off my huge credit card by one day last month (mistimed moving a term deposit) and paid £200 interest on that one day. It was horrifying .

How much equity is in the house? Do you need to stay in the same location for work or flexible?

My advice is move to a cheap house. Pay off as much debt as you possibly can with the house equity. Then set up budgets and payment plans for the rest.

HOWEVER - I'd also question the relationship in terms of - why didn't you know? What has it been spent on? Your joint income is good.

Omg why would you leave someone who's in debt from your life style. You sit down and you make a plan and get yourselves in a position to pay it back. If that means moving to a smaller house for a short while, no holidays, no treats then so be it. It's not just on him for this. You should be more involved in your bank accounts and bills.

Get yourself over to the debt-free wannabe forum on Money Saving Expert.

They will be harsh. They will expect you to have gone back through your spending and worked out what caused it (knowing that is the only way you can avoid it in the future). They will expect you to plan a sensible budget for the future.

I think you should also contact someone like stepchange. You probably need to see if you can get the debts frozen, but that will screw your credit rating which may impact the mortgage rates on offer to you in the future.

An IVA could be a good idea but there are restrictions on who can use them.

So you already knew your debt was a lot and you left him to it?

Honestly, that's just plain ridiculous of both of you.

What on earth have you spent a hundred grand on?

Or is a portion of it interest and late payment fees which have snowballed?

First of all I think you need to establish where the money has actually gone to make sure he hasn't lied about a drug habit, gambling etc.

If your husband hasn't lied and you really have just racked up a hundred grand's worth of debt just on "stuff", you need to take drastic action to pay it off as soon as possible. It may be possible to do balance transfers onto interest free or lower interest cards to reduce the amount of interest you are accruing each month. Your first priority needs to be to stop the debt from getting any bigger.

Have a look at what you actually own and identify anything which can be sold to pay off a chunk of the debt right away. If you have two cars, can you go down to one? Can you sell an expensive car and replace it with a cheap one, or use public transport? Do you have any watches or jewellery that could be sold? Expensive gadgets?

Get a credit report to identify all the credit cards and accounts which exist and then cut all the cards up except for one debit card each which you use for daily spending. No holidays, no restaurants. Don't spend any money at all on non-essentials until you've got a handle on this.

Work out what your fixed costs are each month for mortgage and bills, add on a modest budget for food, see what's left over. What's left over is how much you should be paying towards your debt each month. Pay off the debt which is attracting the highest rate of interest first.

You can't afford to leave all the financial stuff to your husband anymore because he's shown you that he can't handle it. You're going to have to take an interest; more than that, you're going to have to take over.

Have you seen documentary proof your mortgage is up to date?

Any large cash withdrawals from bank accounts ?

If not then it does sound like you have been living beyond your means.

Make a list of all large ticket expenses you are aware of plus any substantial regular outgoings. I would need to be clear how this came about then move forward with a plan, as suggested by pps.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

What, exactly has the money been spent on? If he’s not been pissing it away on gambling/prostitutes/drugs etc and it’s all been spent on the family, you need to take some responsibility here. You must have been living massively above your means - how can you just not notice that?
And if it has been spent on the family, your friend is giving you bad advice. You are married, you cannot just “walk away” from joint debt.
Get together a comprehensive list of what you owe, including interest rates, then work out the most cost effective way to pay it back.
It’s not the end of the world - your house is safe and you have a decent joint income. This can be resolved if you both pull together.

You're in this together if it's just living beyond your means.

You have both buried your heads and have a decent income to work out how to get out.

Sit down and work out what needs cutting out now! Like right now.

It will take a change of lifestyle and take a while but you both need to be very aware of what's going in and out - it's up to both of you to manage this.

Take advice from pps. Good luck - it will be OK.

If you are on £125k between you, what have you both been buying to get into this much debt? Surely you had some idea? Or was the debt just his?

Contact Stepchange for help, but you will have to radically overhaul your life. That is a huge sum to run up as a debt.

You need to cut all lines of credit immediately, so cut up cards etc. Make a list of all the debts. As PP have said, pay off the highest interest ones first.

Download the MSE budget planner and enter all of your income and expenditure on there as it will give you an idea of where your money goes and will help you with Stepchange.

You need to take control of the finances, so that he can't spend anything. This is essential as he can't be trusted.

Cut out all unnecessary expenditure immediately, all tv/music subscriptions, look for better deals on all utilities and mobile contracts. No more lunches/coffees/takeaways/meals out. No clothes/shoes unless essential. No more hobbies/kids clubs. No holidays.

It will be tough for a while until you sort all of this out but you have to be rigid if you want to do this.

You need to be very aware though that he needs to take responsibility for this and want to change his ways or this will never improve. Do not borrow money from friends or family.

Don't transfer debts into your name. The debts are in his name although chances are if you split that it will be seen as family debt especially if he can show it has gone on family spending.

Someone I know , ex family, ran up £40K in credit card debt. His mother remortgaged her house to bail him out. He paid it off then ran up the same again in 3 years and went bankrupt anyway. He died before he could repay the money to her and had no life insurance as it had to stop as part of the bankruptcy process and the loan had to be officially written off.

Over what period have you accumulated this debt? How did you not notice you were overspending?
You need to work together to fix this.

You cant leave him because the chips are down.. that's really unfair and ybh cowardly..of you left youd still be liable partly anyway. If a guy said this...MN would be all over him like a rash..dont leave him. Its both your responsibility and lack of foresight.
Get debt management advice, set up repayment plan...tighten your belts. Youre both on decent wages. Support each other, sit down and organise.

You are married and it is a joint debt in legal terms. Think carefully on your feelings for him. Can you handle the sacrifices and potential resentment in managing this and can he accept this as the future? It will change your relationship regardless.

Divorce means you have to deal with it anyway.

I’ve been in bad shocking scary debt. It is survivable. But you both need to be in it, committed, focused and strict with future finances and agree with whatever plan you both come up with. If you are not both on board this won’t work.

As others have said, Money Saving Expert is the forum to join, do a DOA, make a budget, get advice, move forward.

OP you make a 5 year plan to sort this out . cancel everything you dont need and be ruthless and start paying it back . 20 Thousand a year from today .
Their is no point getting into the hows and whys , whats done is done .

what life stuff?