Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Most people probably don't have £2.3 left per month after paying off their bills and loan repayments like you do though. You're in a great position.

In less than 2 weeks you've found out about the debt, did out a budget, realised that you can in fact meet the loan repayments easily and still have plenty left over so it's kind of odd and a bit 'woe is me' to try to make out that other people have it easier than you.

No you’re right I don’t 😂 but I don’t earn what your hubby does, I’d be royally fucked if I owed that on my wages 😂😂😂.

Especially as the government thinks £184pw is acceptable for maternity pay 😂We’ll both be fine! And I’m here if you fancy a rant 😂

Excel spreadsheet is excellent idea

We took out £150K mortgage which to us at that time seemed horrendous.

I set up a spreadsheet which showed how much it would come down each month taking into account the interest. It took me a while to get it working as I'm not very good with Excel but I got it working in the end. It was fun to see if I made an overpayment what difference that made

Every month I go and check my spreadsheet against the letter the bank sends us. It did help to know when we would be mortgage free and I've enjoyed seeing the amount reduce - not long now and it will be gone

I’m so sorry I really didn’t mean to do that. I do acknowledge my privilege x

While I kind of agree with your mum my biggest concern is how you could ever fully trust him again? Full transparency; how has this debt accrued? What/where has he spent the money?

It's the lies & deceit that would be the deal breaker for me. He's done it over & over & over.

I'm so pleased that you're both on the same page and also that your DH has been able to share this with you.

I agree with others that it's good that you're shocked by your debt amount, it's what spurs us all into action, whether that's debt/weight/health. You've had a wake-up call but luckily you can pay off the debt. Now you can teach your kids how to budget and really give them the benefit because they might not have been so lucky.

Focus on this:

You have a plan
You have funds coming in to cover the plan
In a few months that 106 will be sub 100.
Rinse and repeat

I get your point but I suppose he could say that about me too. I’ve realised that in do many ways I turned the other way. I knew we had a lot of debt, and I knew he was stressed but I chose not to ask or delve too much. Yes, I wish to god he’d spoken to me earlier, however I can see that he kept it quiet as he wanted to fix it and protect me. It was misplaced as I don’t need a protector however I have realised that I’m as much a part of this as he is.

if I can’t trust him then our marriage won’t survive, and I really want our marriage to survive.

So glad you've got stuck into sorting this out together.

Getting the kids to your parents once a month and having a bottle of wine together may be the new 'treat' 😂

Hi OP,

i think it’s great that you’ve gotten yourself teeth into this. I also agree that it would have been awful to have left your husband. Not talking about money and debt it so do common but unless he’s been up to dodgy stuff then I firmly believe that it’s a joint problem.

I work in mortgages so I have an insight into peoples finances. You would be shocked at what ‘normal’ people owe. There are multiple people/ families in every street up and down the country who owe a years salary on unsecured debt. It’s not great, buts practically commonplace. People on here are he really debt averse so don’t read too much into that.

you owe just under a years salary but because the numbers are bigger it provokes a totally different reaction. It’s about the same as someone owing 27k On a 30k salary- also not great, however it won’t elicit that same reaction. You’re actually in a very very strong position as you can pay this off very quickly. I think it’s easily doable within 4 years with some most allowed for fun stuff

stop focussing solely on the top number as debt is about more than that. It’s about your ability to repay and you certainly can!!

Oh ffs, at least have the decency to read the OP's posts before posting if you don't want to read the full thread. She has explained how the debt was racked up jointly and how she buried her head in the sand.

Yep, there is always one .

It sounds like you have a solid plan going forward OP. Well done.
5 years is a realistic timeline based on cutting things to the bone which is really hard to do for that long. Hopefully you'll both get pay rises at some point over the next few years which will help but I'd certainly recommend building an emergency fund as you said but also a little frivolous money....not for lots of tiny treats which fritter money away, but for making memories together: things that your DC will remember. It doesn't have to be lavish but do put something into the budget for trips to the beach or a ride on a steam train or whatever every few months.
Good luck

You’ve not accounted for the power of compound interest

OP sounds like you and your DH have been able to work together to face reality without getting into painful recriminating and blaming. That is a very good thing. He's not managed it very well, but on the other hand you have left him to carry it all, you've both taken your heads out of the sand and now you are working together.

My DH and I had much the same situation, we were high enough earners but were in 85k of debt. Nowadays we are really strict about money and now we owe £50k, hoping to have paid it all off in 3-4 years.

One thing we now do is use Starling bank (you could use any other one eg Monzo) that allows you to use the app to separate out your money into little pots.

So we have a pot for literally everything. Each month we have everything in a pot:

• Week 1 groceries £x
• (and so on to week 4)
• Kids bus fares £x
• Family spending money £x
• Haircuts £x
• Holiday savings £x
• Kids activities subs £x
• Direct Debits (bloody loads!)
• Debt repayments £x
• etc etc etc.

Many pots are the same each month, and then if there is a particular expense in that month (eg "Dad's 80th birthday present"/"DD's school trip fee) I create a special pot just for that.

At the beginning of the month when we get paid I spend an hour creating the necessary pots and populating them with the necessary funds.

We have not incurred any debt at all since Aug 2022 when we started doing this. And we have reduced our debt by £30k.

I shudder now to think about how we went on. We would spend randomly out of the joint account and then switch to credit card spending about a week or 10 days when the money ran out or when we had to pay something like a trip for the kids.

We just were in denial, we just did not think about it.

Deep down though we were unhappy and anxious. Facing it is less grim than being in denial.

Wow OP I’m in awe of what you’ve achieved so far. Sounds to me like you have a great plan and a strong marriage.

I’d just add that the Dave Ramsey podcast is worth a listen. It’s a bit US but I find it quite motivational when I’m having a tight few months.

Glad that you can see light at the end of the tunnel OP.

I can’t believe there are still some on here blaming the husband - if he came on her and posted that him and his wife had jointly run up a massive debt, wife didn’t help deal with repayments, stress of it all etc and then left him because of it all - we’d rightly so all be in uproar. The OP herself has taken responsibility for her role in the debt situation but some people are so determined to bash husbands/partners on here - don’t let the truth get in the way of a good opportunity!

How are you getting on OP? First pay day since finding out.

@Inahole I hope you're sleeping better now 🙂

Can you remortgage OP? Obviously all depends what interest rate you're paying on your cc. Can you transfer some to interest only?

I mean 0% cc not interest only but...maybe you could switch your mortgage to interest only for the time being too so you have more disposable income to pay off the cc debt?