Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

There are very, very few people who have over £2300 a month. A month, for fun money.

I am genuinely shocked that you have clearly spent that fun money, and then built up enormous debt as well.

Unless it's cripplingly high interest, surely 3 years is doable? Pull the plaster. Read up on dave ramsey's thoughts on "gazelle intensity".

I have no excuses- it’s very embarrassing and ridiculous. What I will say is that we haven’t been earning at this level for many years. It’s only really been the last 5 years that dh has had this sort of salary

Firstly well done for taking ownership of the dept . Hopefully your budget is realistic and sustainable.
I would direct as much disposable income at your dept rather than fun .
Target one credit card or loan at a time, normally the one with the highest interest then target the next .
You say you have £2300 left you could easily pay an extra £2000 a month £24000 less dept within one year by cutting down on "fun "

I think being that austere would be hard to maintain from the lifestyle they've obviously been living but they could certainly chuck another grand at it.

Now you have a budget in place I'd start making a plan on how to tackle paying it off. There will be ways to maximise paying as little interest as possible. You can do things like targeting the debt with the highest interest rate first. Throw everything you have at it then move on to the next one.
If any of the debt is credit cards you may find that once you repay a card some interest free bal transfers may open up to you. Mentioned it before but MSE is great for tips
You'll be in such a good position once you're debt free

It sounds like you have this under control now.

Go easy on yourself

Kids are At grandparents tonight so we’ve had a child free night with a bottle of wine ( we already had the wine!)

dh really opened up about how awful he has been feeling about it all. He wore shorts and a T Shirt today as it’s been so hot and I really noticed how skinny he has become. He’s 6’5 and has dropped to 12 stone. I feel awful that he’s been suffering so much

Continue to be kind to each other. Over the next few years you are both going to need to give up some little luxuries which you will have got used to having. That is going to smart a bit.

You have had lots of good advice on this thread about how to tackle the debt. Hopefully at the end you will come out with more of a saver than spender mindset.

It sounds like your DH has protected you from the realities of your situation. You have obviously been living way beyond your means. He's wanted to provide for you by taking loans out for your wedding, holidays , home improvements.
You now know your lifestyle needs to change drastically. He's defaulted on payments even though you have £2300 spare each month. That's a lot of money to spend on "fun "
You have taken the first step by taking ownership, drawing up a budget and have a plan to pay down your debt.

You need to move forward financially as a couple have a weekly meeting to start . We kept within our food budget, we spent slightly more on petrol, the house insurance is due but the money for that is put to one side .
Tweak your money for the first month or two until you have a good understanding of reality.

Lots of good advice on paying down the debt personally I would chuck everything I could at the one with the higher interest. It's already been said that if some are credit cards new 0% offers may open up as you pay some off .

You can't change the past but you can start working on a dept free future.

Hi OP,
i think that you’re through the hardest but now- you know what you’re up against and you’ve got a plan. You’re also communicating better!

whilst I totally agree that this needs to be sorted out, I really don’t see that you as bring on dire straits. You have a huge surplus AFTER contractual repayments so you’re actually currently in a very strong position.

try not to let this totally consume you OP

OP you sound like a lovely person but for me if my husband spent 100k without my knowing I would be furious and I doubt I could forgive that.

if you stay with him you need to get a grip on the finances you need a joint bank account both salaries go in. Joint bills account etc

ask to see his banke statements / c card statements and if he says no then he is hiding stuff

I can't see how someone can wrack up that much without you realising

OP you sound like a lovely person but for me if my husband spent 100k without my knowing I would be furious and I doubt I could forgive that.

how do yogurt to that conclusion? The op knew they had debts but not how much and it was from loans upon loans and bad unorganised spending by both of them

Well they must have had a right blast spending 100k between them and OP not realising.

Just for your clarity @Remmy123 since you don't appear to have read all OPs posts, she says

a fair chunk of the debt comes from our wedding/ maternity pay Gaps/ home improvements/ holidays and then just overspending. I can see that I’ve ‘looked the other way’ at times.

No only read first post of OP

in that case your in it together and it's a huge lesson learnt but sounds like you have a plan in place

Well done Op Inahole for being realistic and starting on the process of sorting this out. Sounds like your husband was trying to shield you from the realities of the situation. With your income then it should be possible to clear within that reasonable time frame. As well as the other brilliant resources mentioned by other poster MSE debt free/ Christians against poverty/stepchangeDave Ramsey try searching on here for a poster called something like “talkinpeace” She has a wonderful spreadsheet that illustrates how moving credit card payments to standing order not direct debit can make a huge difference to time taken to pay down debt.

Thank you for sharing your journey OP. You’ve done the absolutely right thing by working together and seeing how to change it around. Once you’ve cleared the debt you’ll be able to start saving, too!

OP I’ve read your posts so far and been checking back for updates. I just wanted to say that you should both genuinely be proud of yourselves. I’m being genuine btw!

Yes it’s a scary situation, but you’ve got a plan, you’ve sat down together and worked it out and obviously we don’t know exactly because we only see your posts, we aren’t living with you - but it seems like you’ve done it fairly calmly and together.

I’m so pleased he’s opened up, I was talking to my DH about your thread and said whilst it’s shit it’s happened, I felt really sorry for your DH (and you) as it’s genuine reasons it’s just spiralled out of control rather than gambling/drugs etc.

DH and I have completely open finances (we have debts, we’re not squeaky clean!!) and we have always sat down on payday and done a budget (our income changes each month, we have a base amount but the extra can vary by £2k on a good month or £50 on a shit one) and I do believe it helps. I will drop to SMP from July and I am worried, we pay £400 a month to clear our loans and they will be cleared by March (not overpayments, they were both 5 years and due to clear then) but I know how much better off we would be without them. However, had we not of taken them we would have lost our house in Covid so swings and roundabouts!! (Taken out before covid struck by a month or so!).

I do agree in keeping some money back a month to still enjoy life, use the “spare” £2k a month for a date night, save towards a holiday (not a massive one, but a break!) do things with the kids and anything left out of that £2k each month, overpay on your debt. Be strict on take aways and eating out apart from planned occasions. If you’re in a position to have that money spare after paying your bills and the debt then please still try and use some fun money. Life is for living and you’re in a really positive position to be able to afford the repayments and have spare.

I would definitely overpay, but if you used £200 on a date night (very generous! But depends where you eat/go I know!), £200 on a day out each month with the kids (include lunch/fuel etc), £50 for the cinema with the kids (take your own snacks and drinks from Tesco!) save £750 for a holiday, and say £100 to cover birthdays/things that crop up, £200 for Christmas. £300 a month emergency fund and you can still over pay by £500 a month. Of course anything left from your date night/day out etc could go to over paying or emergency fund.

You’re through the worst, you’ve got a plan, you’ve got each other and you’ll come out the other side of this financially more sound. Yes it’s shit, but shit happens! You can still enjoy life and deal with this, make the best of a bad situation and enjoy doing the cheaper things in life for a while!

Take care OP xx

Such a lovely post, thank you x

So grateful for everyone’s support. It’s really helped me cope recently.

I know we can do this. It’s just the number - 106k. I can literally see that number in my head. I know that it’s all relative but I’m struggling with the number!

I think that it’s because I don’t think I know anyone in this much debt. It’s extreme and scary. If I’d have heard of someone owing 106k I would have been horrified…. And yet here we are owing 106k!

@Inahole Contact these people. Hoping you manage to sort things out. xxx
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It is extreme and scary. Honestly, I think that's a good feeling? The same as how one needs nerves for exams. That feeling will be the driver for change and the driver to make sure you keep making change.

Obviously you don't want it to ruin your every waking moment; you need a balance between relaxing about it (and then potentially letting it slip) and that fear maintaining your focus.

Do something childish like a sticker chart, or boring like highlighting an excel spreadsheet green 😂 but for each month you clear the minimum payment, physically see it being ticked off, it will seem more like it’s going down and like an achievement with something more visible than numbers.

I’m a spreadsheet nerd and I highlight it to show it’s going down and the amount of payments are less, whilst I track numbers, it’s seeing the colour change that I find more helpful. I’m anal 😂

keep that line of communication open and spend time just the two of you when you can, it will help keep you on the same page talking more openly.

Keep updating on here x

Thanks. I bet you don’t owe 106k though 😂