Found out we’re in huge debt.

[Inahole]

Hi,

in a state of shock right now. 4 days ago I found out that we are £100k in debt not including our mortgage.

Ive noticed that DH has not been himself for about 3 months- constantly tired, appearing stressed and losing weight. He’s prone to a bit of anxiety and depression and takes medication.

wevd been married 15 years. We have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars and appears to be a nice life.he’s a lovely guy who would do anything for me and the kids

I knew we had done debt and that it was ‘a lot’. I knew it worries him but also thought it was under control and totally manageable.

dh earns about 97k. I earn 25k so our income is decent.

he broke down on Thursday and admitted how much we owe. I am shocked, angry, devestated etc etc

he confessed that it’s become harder to manage and he’s missed some payments/paid late. Our mortgage is totally up to date thankfully.

he’s a wreck. Crying, shaking and telling me that he’s let us down. I’ve been through everything and I can see that it’s been spent on life stuff abs nothing dodgy- gambling etc . I know that he has no dirty secrets other than the debt amount!!

my close friend colleague thinks I need to leave him and start afresh away from the debt. My mum thinks that it’s my problem too and it’s not something to end our marriage over.

any advice?

Angry? With yourself as well as him? Or just him?

Presumably you've been happily splashing the cash too?

You can totally turn this around on your incomes, definitely. It will mean big changes but you can totally do it together.

From the sounds of it, the debt is due to living a certain ‘ lifestyle’ as a family, rather than your dh hiding a gambling addiction or selfishly spending on himself. It was naive of you not to know exactly how much debt you were jointly accumulating. In this situation I would not jump on the divorce bandwagon. Your dh sounds overwhelmed and up to this point has clearly believed he has all the financial responsibilities. He doesn’t and you should work together to manage the debt.

You've been overspending and got into a pickle. It happens. On your income you can turn it around, but you'll have to cut back on a lot of things you likely take for granted.

You knew you had a lot of debt but have just buried your head and left it to him to deal with? Why haven't you taken a proactive role in sorting this out too?

It’s both of your debt so leaving your h doesn’t solve anything. (If he was a gambler or something then I wouldn’t advise not to split)

With your current incomes, this can be turned around. You need to get involved with the household financial stuff, sell and juggle the debt on 0% credit cards and live much more frugally- no holidays, eating out etc

Are you sure drugs/gambling are not involved?

Seek financial advice from your accountant or from some charities which offer budgeting etc.
The sooner you start fixing the problem, the better.

100% not. I’ve checked all of that. It’s definitely just down to overspending and disorganisation

What are you going to do now?

I’ve got absolutely no idea right now

If it’s not drugs, gambling or prostitutes, the debt belongs to you both. How could you (that’s you plural - I'm not blaming you) not notice you were living way beyond your means?

This can absolutely be sorted.

If the mortgage is up to date then you are not at risk of losing your home.

You may need advice on what debts to prioritise and how to reduce spending but this is absolutely solvable.

Stop spending beyond your means would be a good start.

You must have been living far beyond your means? Didn’t you notice?

A word of warning, my friends husband did this and she forgave him.. her parents bailed them out. And then he did it again, and this time she’s too ashamed to tell her parents. I told her to walk away the first time, I’ll tell you to consider the same!

What is the overspending on? If it’s anything you’ve benefited from then it’s disgraceful you’re even mentioning leaving him being an option.

Yes it is fixable then and you need to sit down and sort it out. Did you play a part with the overspending?

If it is as your OP suggests, neither of you are very good at managing a budget or factoring in repayments. If you don’t prioritise repayments or only pay the lowest amount, debt can get out of hand pretty quickly.

Seek help from a debt charity and stick to the plan they help you craft. As pps have said, you have a good income so this should be manageable.

Definitely get looped in on bank accounts and all other finances. You need both sets of eyes on this. That will also reassure you that his spending isn’t off in some way that you have not realised.

Well, you have a large combined salary so all is not lost.

what’s it on? Credit cards? All to 0% interest now.
cull anything you don’t need. Gym membership, subscriptions, multiple streaming services? Cleaner? It all needs to go.

then you need to write a plan. What have you got coming in. What have you got going out. How much can you pay off a month? And then you can work out how long it will take you to pay it off.

Could you list your outgoings and obligations? With a relatively high household income hopefully there will be ways to cut certain outgoings and free up some money to start cutting this debt down.

At least he has admitted it now.
Sounds like it's both of your responsibility to sort out.
You need to sit down together and work a plan to pay it off.
Is it lots of credit cards/loans or what?
Have you got equity in your house? Large mortgage etc? You could use some equity to get rid ofall the debts, then work hard to get the mortgage back down. You seem to have a good income between you, so is that doable?
Or downsize house?

What’s caused the debt OP? First work that out! Work out exactly how much you owe and can it be consolidated or whatever.

Then sit down and do a realistic budget of how much you actually need each month to live on. Obviously you’re going to have to cut right back on any excessive spending! Be realistic though cos you have to live like this for a few years probably, build in a small amount of fun money too (like a monthly meal out or takeaway) or you’ll not maintain it.

Everything that’s left you can then throw at the debt. Your household income is high so you have a good chance to actually do this. Is there stuff you can sell to raise extra cash?

And then once it’s paid off you need to work out how to live within your means!

Well you are in this situation as you have both spent more than you should have in your household. It's in the open now so you need to both face it together and make a plan to come out the other side still together. Work out what the debts are, which ones to prioritise paying off first. Work out all your outgoings and where to cut back. You have a great household income so this should not be an impossible feat.

I think very poor advice from your friends, and maybe you should ditch them for their way of thinking. You just mentioned everything good about your DH, and I agree maybe he's made poor choices to be in this debt. I think given you are a team and have been a team for a long time, this is the time where you offer your support to help your DH?? Could you maybe take on some of the repayments, and also sit down with DH and figure out how you can cut these payments down ? I've been in hardship myself and it's extremely tough but unless he was doing dodgy things then I would think it's unfair to divorce him over it.

How on earth were you also not aware of how much was being spent?
You both need to sit down, pull together all the debts and work out a sensible budget where you start living within your means and begin to pay the debts. There are free charities which can help - CAB might be a good start point as they often have free money/debt advisers or can point you toward one.
Legally if it's a debt in both names then it's not a case of being responsible for half, you're both individually responsible for all of it until it's paid off.