DH angry with me over debt - not sure it's all my fault

[tablemab]

Hi,
DH and I have both not been great with money in the past. We fell into the high income high debt trap, living well beyond our means for years. we earn well - joint income is £115K gross. We have a mortgage, 2 kids etc

For the last couple of years I have tried to take control of our finances. I am no expert, but I am good with a spreadsheet!! I have tried to manage things, and DH has let me get on with it, generally showing zero interest. We haven't accrued much additional debt, and I have tried to move debt around to better interest rates etc. I just get on with it and don't really speak to DH about it. Definitely a lack of communication on both sides.

Our debt level is massive - we owe £75K ish on top of our mortgage. Despite this, I have made sure that everything is up to date and that interest is reduced as much as possible. I also have a plan in place to clear this within the next 5 years.

On Saturday I showed DH the spreadsheet and he freaked out at how much we owe, telling me that I had deceived him and that he had no idea it was so bad. My issue is that he is treating it as though this is just MY debt!! He said that he knew we had a lot of debt but not that much! ( I haven't told him that the £75k doesn't include HIS car).

Now I accept that perhaps I should have tried harder to engage him the money management, but I don't really feel that it's fair to lay all of the blame on my for a situation that was very much a joint effort! AIBU??

Yanbu if he’s buried his head in the sand.

Do you think he’s concerned as he may have additional personal debts that you don’t know about?

Where do you think the primary source of debt comes from? Is it home improvements, education, or just simple daily overspending?

How much additional debt have you accrued since you took over? What level of debt did he think you were at?

This sounds familiar. I think there was a similar thread a few months ago where the OP had a handle on the debts because the DH wasn't a details person and was happy to leave it to the OP, but who then freaked out at the OP when he realised the full extent of their situation.

You're not the first person this has happened to!

I immediately thought of that thread when I read this.

How much did he think the debt was?

It's not just your fault you are in debt and he could have taken more of an interest.

Having said this he clearly thought things were under control. If you are the person managing the money it's part of your role to communicate the situation clearly. (I do this for my job 🤣)

So it's understandable he's freaking out. Hopefully after he calms down a bit he will make more effort going forward.

He's not blaming you for the debt though, is he? He's blaming you for giving him the impression that it was all under control leading him to think that you (jointly) were only in a small amount of debt.

Hard to know whether he's right, without knowing exactly what you've told him.

Regardless, he's equally to blame for not taking an interest, unless you specifically made it clear that you accepted full responsibility for dealing with it all.

I remember that thread, it's about lack of communication.

I would break down the £75k into its constituent parts to show him how the debt built up. Then also add his car finance.

Then go through the 5 year repayment plan with him.

Review the debt plan, including outstanding balance with your DH on at least a monthly basis, but more if something happens which means it needs to be looked at.

Cut up any credit cards you both have, and don't add anything until the 5 years is up.

If he's shown no interest in knowing, then it's completely on him that he doesn't know the extent.
He's not a child and it's not your job to make an unengaged person take notice of their own financial affairs. He had agency here and in your position I'd not take any shit from him.

Since it's now come up, tell him his car is not included in that figure and ask him what he's doing to help resolve things, since he's so full of criticism.

He thought it was 50-60k.

I think that car disclosure will push him over the edge- I might wait a week or two for that!!

You say you’ve tried to limit building more debt, but not completely avoided it. How much debt has been added?

You haven’t accrued much additional debt?

Do you mean on top of interest being added?

Surely you shouldn’t be accruing any additional debt.

How much is the car debt on top of that?

So we had new carpets upstairs and a new bed. We also went on holiday and this caused our debt to increase a bit. I regret that now - It was a bit of F**k it moment however it was something that we did jointly and he never questioned how it was being funded or took any interest

I think you’ve got to rip the plaster off here and go full disclosure. Open up the communication and ask for him to be present and engage with you on this joint issue, set aside some time to go through budgets etc.

Have you been twiddling figures and not actually reducing the debt over the past couple of years? Did he think when you said you had a plan that it meant the debt would be going down and it hasn't?

Surely instead of the new carpets and holiday you should have paid more off the debt.
Were your carpets threadbare? Dangerous?

I think if someone told me ‘it’s under control’ I’d assume the debt was falling, not growing.

He needs to pull his finger out and help. You need to stop pussyfooting around.

You both need to stop living beyond your means!

If he thought it was 60 and it's 75 it's really not such a massive difference that he should be freaking out over it.

You both need to cop on.

In future you need to discuss large purchases together being explicit about what it’s adding to the debt.

I’m curious when you say about the holiday and him not asking how it was being funded, how it actually played out. So you jointly decide you’d like to go on holiday, you go on to book it but at no point is there a ‘what can we afford to spend on this?’ Kind of chat, or you saying ‘I booked flights and accommodation on the credit card.’

He's an adult. How is it your fault?!

Have you taken advice on reducing debt OP? Is the amount you owe actually going down or are you treading water?

A. Trying to reduce debts.
B. Spending money on completely unnecessary purchases.

Sorry, doesn't compute. Stop doing B. in order to attempt to achieve A.