DH angry with me over debt - not sure it's all my fault

[tablemab]

Hi,
DH and I have both not been great with money in the past. We fell into the high income high debt trap, living well beyond our means for years. we earn well - joint income is £115K gross. We have a mortgage, 2 kids etc

For the last couple of years I have tried to take control of our finances. I am no expert, but I am good with a spreadsheet!! I have tried to manage things, and DH has let me get on with it, generally showing zero interest. We haven't accrued much additional debt, and I have tried to move debt around to better interest rates etc. I just get on with it and don't really speak to DH about it. Definitely a lack of communication on both sides.

Our debt level is massive - we owe £75K ish on top of our mortgage. Despite this, I have made sure that everything is up to date and that interest is reduced as much as possible. I also have a plan in place to clear this within the next 5 years.

On Saturday I showed DH the spreadsheet and he freaked out at how much we owe, telling me that I had deceived him and that he had no idea it was so bad. My issue is that he is treating it as though this is just MY debt!! He said that he knew we had a lot of debt but not that much! ( I haven't told him that the £75k doesn't include HIS car).

Now I accept that perhaps I should have tried harder to engage him the money management, but I don't really feel that it's fair to lay all of the blame on my for a situation that was very much a joint effort! AIBU??

And assuming you stop your spending now why would you take 5 years to clear it? That is less than 1.5k pm whereas you say you have 3k available.

Get on the MSE boards. Debt free wannabe and teh diary section. Loads of people who have been in similar situations.

You are in a really precarious financial position and really need to face up to dealing with that debt. If you stop being available to find 0% offers you are really in the shit.

You will find other people with big debts here https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

but people who have recognised they really need to do something to reduce their debts.

You should have communicated more clearly the size of the problem and you BOTH need to face up to needing to take some drastic action about your spending.

I keep getting fed Dave Ramsey videos on FB; he's an American debt guru who talks about the snowball method; look him up and watch some of his clips; it's not just using the £3k a month to pay it off; it's bringing down the £4k a month too. It's a snowball as he suggests you pay off the smallest debt first and celebrate each one going; as you have one less minimum payment going out, then the next one becomes quicker and quicker. No holidays, no meals out, and sell things you can to raise some of that money, possibly including the car and get something cheap. I think he likes you to have to live a frugal life to pay it off so that you remember what it's like and learn your own lesson. FWIW £75k isn't so different when you think it's £60k.

If you are struggling to get 0% deals then yes you are going to fail on affordability to get new 0% deals. They are getting harder to obtain so I would make a plan quickly. I counsel on the debt free section of MSE and we are all supportive and non judgemental, I would go on there and post a statement of account to get advice.

The key thing is it is not wise to take out loans to pay off credit cards. That is just moving debt not repaying it and most build the credit card debt up again, You will need to adjust lifestyle so if a lot of your money goes on takeaways, holidays and clothing/gadgets etc you need to change your spending habits. If the money is going on repaying debt you may need a debt solution like a DMP.

On a £7k income what percentage goes on unsecured debt repayments?

I have a scary high debt figure for my £31k income but mine is very different to yours as they all 0% or very low and I have no rent or mortgage as I bought a small flat that needed work doing to do it to be mortgage free.

£41000 - 0% loan to my parents brought a flat cash with inheritance and parents loan (£200 a month still owe £19600)
£22000 - 3.3% (kitchen, bathroom, boiler, radiators etc) - (£326 a month still owe £13796)

Set up an account you and DH can share on Debt Repayment app (blue background, white bird on it) then it calculates which you pay off for the best results and you have a visual reminder of the debt you hold.

It's £260 a month with around 10k left to pay

Are you saying you’ve got £3k spare each month? Before or after minimum debt/loan payments?

That sounds like it was your idea then… he didn’t ask how it was funded so he wasn’t involved in it. You decided to book a holiday and buy carpets and a new bed?

Tbh, if one member of a couple decides to take in control of the finances and then starts booking expensive holidays, I would assume that’s because they’ve got it under control. But you’ve been adding to the debt.
I would be angry about that.

You decided to take control so you need to be responsible, or you need to share the control of finances with him.

After minimum payments, however that has only been the case for about 6 months as I went back to work full time and DH took a promotion.

Hi OP
Looking at your calculations you have £3k available every month to put towards debt repayments - so in 10 months you could pay off 30k and in 20 months 60k. You could be debt free in two years (as long as interest is kept under control). But you mentioned that you have a plan to pay things off in 5 years? Are you planning to pay smaller chunks towards the debt and keep some spare money towards home improvements/ holidays etc ? If that’s the case then I would suggest the biggest issue is your attitude towards money and not realising/ seeing just how much shit you are both in. This level of debt compared to your income calls for big changes, a few years with no holidays, no short breaks , no new big purchases, if you don’t get it under control you might get in real trouble when remortgaging in 4 years.

After minimum payments, however that has only been the case for about 6 months as I went back to work full time and DH took a promotion.

Ok, so you’re in a good position, I feel? How many different pots are these debts in? Do you have a list down and able to work out which would be best to lay down first? I’d be so stressed by the debt I’d be looking to have a very quiet two years and getting it absolutely blitzed. Is that something you’d be able to commit to? Like no takeaways, parks and galleries and ‘staycations’ reducing outgoings and just knuckling down? Cos after that two years you’d be home free, only £600 a month mortgage and £3k plus per month to spend on holidays - a bit of a slog for two years and you’ll be laughing!

We earn similar but mortgage is double yours. We save 1500 a month. Do you have any savings at all? Things like a holiday, I save for 3-4 months to cover it then book when we have the money. I think your dh is being unfair but I deal with finances in our house and would always ensure dh was aware of my savings plan and any debt.

That's not disastrous.

Honestly, two completely arbitrary milestones, but debt free by Christmas 2025,then release the purse strings a bit (spend half and save half of the £3k excess), would mean savings of over £30k when you're renewing your mortgage? Glass half full OP.

But you and DH must be on the same page, and live like paupers for 20 months. Can you both do that?

I had around 22k. I added it to the mortgage when me and exhusband split. I've said no more on the tick. I have an ipad and dishwasher currently and that's it. Can't afford can't have x

Will you own the car outright at the end of the term?

I don't understand your figures. You make £115k joint (so under £60k each) and bring home £7k a month each?? How??

I would freak out too, but at least you have a plan in place for paying it back.

Question though, what's wrong with living within your means? I'm in a similar earning bracket to you, but would never borrow unless it was for something essential like if we needed a new roof and didn't have the cash for it. We buy cars, home repairs/improvements, holidays etc, out right. We have less than you left over each month currently, but the money quickly adds up so don't see how we could ever need to borrow. You'd be saving quite a bit more without your debts so I don't really understand it.

You seem to forget about interest! Interest payments only are massive.

Please for the love of god, get a handle on your spending!

Don't think that tomorrow will never come.

One of you could fall seriously ill, or you'll get to mid fifties and want to retire and you won't be able to afford to.

You mentioned having children. Have you any idea how much you need to put aside for University costs assuming they might want to go into HE? £30k would be my minimum per child.

I don’t think assuming your partner isn’t running up debt is not taking responsibility.

Spin the post to

“I’m married, I’m not the best with with finance so my OH does the numbers. I’ve recently found out that rather than managing our money they’ve been accumulating masses of debt. I had no idea things were this out of control and they didn’t tell me”.

@tablemab if you have recently had an income increase that's a great time to get on top of this. Especially as your DH is properly scared so will hopefully also be motivated to control his part of the spending.

Just don't relax! Remember you can't afford anything extra until this is under control.

I do a spreadsheet each month (aspirational! but at least every 2 or 3 months) which has all our actual and expected income and expenses in it for the year.

So I always know if we can afford stuff.

If you haven't already, look at your income and data dump all your expenses from bank statements and credit cards and really understand where the money is going. Then have a discussion about what to do/ cut.

The £3k spare is after all minimum debt payments, which will include whatever interest is currently owed. Obviously the devil is in the detail of how much is 0% and how long is left at 0%.

The each was each month, not each of them. But I read it the same first time round too tbh.

Pretend you only have one income to live off for a while. Use the entirety of the other income to address the debt.

I'd sell the car and buy a cheaper runaround as well.