DH angry with me over debt - not sure it's all my fault

[tablemab]

Hi,
DH and I have both not been great with money in the past. We fell into the high income high debt trap, living well beyond our means for years. we earn well - joint income is £115K gross. We have a mortgage, 2 kids etc

For the last couple of years I have tried to take control of our finances. I am no expert, but I am good with a spreadsheet!! I have tried to manage things, and DH has let me get on with it, generally showing zero interest. We haven't accrued much additional debt, and I have tried to move debt around to better interest rates etc. I just get on with it and don't really speak to DH about it. Definitely a lack of communication on both sides.

Our debt level is massive - we owe £75K ish on top of our mortgage. Despite this, I have made sure that everything is up to date and that interest is reduced as much as possible. I also have a plan in place to clear this within the next 5 years.

On Saturday I showed DH the spreadsheet and he freaked out at how much we owe, telling me that I had deceived him and that he had no idea it was so bad. My issue is that he is treating it as though this is just MY debt!! He said that he knew we had a lot of debt but not that much! ( I haven't told him that the £75k doesn't include HIS car).

Now I accept that perhaps I should have tried harder to engage him the money management, but I don't really feel that it's fair to lay all of the blame on my for a situation that was very much a joint effort! AIBU??

He needs to accept responsibility for his part in it. I assume you weren't off getting loads without saying anything? If you were then that is on you if he was unaware loans were being taken it. I know someone who has done that on a couple of occasions and it didn't go down well as he had to bail her out now she has more debt she wants to come off night shift but can't cos she'd need another bail out without her shift allowance🙈

Ultimately "who is to blame" is a pointless argument. If you could get in front of King Solomon and get a perfect ruling on which of you was most to blame, what would it achieve?

The only question worth asking is "what can we each do, working together, to fix this".

It sounds like you each use the other's weaknesses to justify your own overspending. He chooses to remain oblivious while at the same time agreeing to spending on carpeting, beds, holiday - all on credit?? You play with the numbers and move debt around to lower interest but nothing is getting paid off or reduced. By not openly discussing any of this it is easy for you to not own up to the fact that your debt is increasing and you are both living well beyond your means. Of course, he is going to flip out when he finds out that the debt is increased - wouldn't you if the situation were reversed and he was hiding debt from you? Get together first with each other to come clean and confess any and all additional debts, credit cards, loans and set up a budget that includes living below your means for the time it will take to pay off all debt. Discuss everything that is involved in that budgeting decision and build in some reasonable leisure expenses so that no one feels overly deprived and starts hiding spending or resenting where you have jointly gotten yourselves. If your able to access a financial counselor to learn to better budget your income/expenses, do it immediately. A marriage counselor would help you learn to communicate more clearly with each other and recognize how you each use the other's weakness to continue doing as you please with spending. You each knew you had someone else to blame it on and by not talking openly you allowed yourselves to continue to do so. It's not as daunting as it seems to get out of debt and it will feel great when you do.