DH angry with me over debt - not sure it's all my fault

[tablemab]

Hi,
DH and I have both not been great with money in the past. We fell into the high income high debt trap, living well beyond our means for years. we earn well - joint income is £115K gross. We have a mortgage, 2 kids etc

For the last couple of years I have tried to take control of our finances. I am no expert, but I am good with a spreadsheet!! I have tried to manage things, and DH has let me get on with it, generally showing zero interest. We haven't accrued much additional debt, and I have tried to move debt around to better interest rates etc. I just get on with it and don't really speak to DH about it. Definitely a lack of communication on both sides.

Our debt level is massive - we owe £75K ish on top of our mortgage. Despite this, I have made sure that everything is up to date and that interest is reduced as much as possible. I also have a plan in place to clear this within the next 5 years.

On Saturday I showed DH the spreadsheet and he freaked out at how much we owe, telling me that I had deceived him and that he had no idea it was so bad. My issue is that he is treating it as though this is just MY debt!! He said that he knew we had a lot of debt but not that much! ( I haven't told him that the £75k doesn't include HIS car).

Now I accept that perhaps I should have tried harder to engage him the money management, but I don't really feel that it's fair to lay all of the blame on my for a situation that was very much a joint effort! AIBU??

I've read threads where people freak out if dH was taking care of all finances.

IMO, you do not have to be "great at finances" to know you are spending much more than what is coming in.

IMO, cut back on everything you can, no ifs, no buts and start to pay off your debt before you two get into more trouble.

I blame both of you as you are husband and wife and could have easily asked the other for advice

We never do a large spend without consulting the other and we have never paid a penny in interest other than two lots of mortgages over the years

PLEASE take decisive action right now before you lose everything both of you have worked hard for

Good luck

Stop buying new things.

Unless they are emergency purchases etc.
You need to force the issue. It can’t all be on you. A monthly sit down to go over spending and total debt values would be useful for both.

How much is the car debt? You're basically heading towards an entire year's income in debt and you're still booking holidays and getting new carpets. That's dangerous territory, IMO.

That's is a lot of debt to be servicing. Had you been clear about the scale of debt when you first got a handle on all the various avenues of money that you owe,? Does he feel like he would have made a different decision about the fuck it expenditure had he known about the quantity that you need to repay?

I certainly don't think you should be holding back on what you are both facing by delaying the revelation that this doesn't include the money owed on his car too. You need to get out of this together, so that you aren't shouldering the burden alone and to build a future on shared and solid information.

I think that car disclosure will push him over the edge- I might wait a week or two for that!!

I would really advise telling him now. Painful but it's going to be worse if you do it in 2 weeks because not telling him in this situation is tantamount to lying by omission.

Stop going on holiday or doing any home improvements until your debt is actually sorted.
I got into some debt when I was a single parent and a student (nowhere near as much as you, BUT by income was also nowhere near as much as yours). When I was paying it off I used the snowball method, where you put as much as you possibly can into paying off the smallest debt first, then when that's paid off put ALL the payments you were paying to that debt into the next smallest, and so on until it's all gone. Obviously still pay the minimum on the other debts as well. Other methods work in almost the same way, such as paying off the debt with the highest interest rate first, etc. It took me a couple of years, but I did it.

I'm sure you can do it too, but you and DH need to BOTH be on top of the debts, and BOTH cut right back on spending until you've got this sorted out.

he didn’t know the scale of the debt so I’m afraid that decision is on you.

you’re still keeping things from him. Deciding not to share the real total until you feel it’s right.

start sharing!

The fact that you’re not telling him about his car debt for a couple of weeks, shows such a weird and immature communication style in the relationship. You’re currently discussing money, he’s had his head in the sand and now blaming you, you’re keeping things to yourself like he’s a baby that needs pacifying. Can’t everyone just be straight up about the situation?

Wait a minute, he knows he didn’t buy the car with cash. He knows the car is on finance.

The answer here is, ‘We are on track to clear this debt in 5 years. If you can see a way to do it quicker, please show me so I can get on with it.’ .
And I echo PPs. No more spending. Agree a Budget.

I think that car disclosure will push him over the edge- I might wait a week or two for that!!

Then he will just be wondering what else you are hiding from him. You need open and honest communication OP and you need to tackle this together.

Does he realise that there can be no more holidays for several years until this is paid off? Do you?

How long has he had the car? How much was it and what sort of finance is it on - will he own the car at the end of the term or not?

How much was the holiday?
As in extra 2k or 5-10k

We pay off the CC in full automatically.
Could you do that to avoid increasing debt?

You need to consolidate under a low loan.

Cut out buying food at work and drinks.
Cut gym etc

Commit to paying off at least the interest to reduce it.

Was the 25k new spending or related to the debt?

We've recently started going abroad and i feel the cost you start with say 2k really escalated with food over there and transport etc.trips.

Are there any higher rate current acounts so you can earn interest on your wages?

He’s a deluded twat.

I think he is being ridiculous. He has well and truly buried his head in the sand and is now lashing out.

What grown adult doesn’t have one conversation about how a holiday is funded? Does he think money grows on trees?

I’d hand over it all to him and tell him to crack on for the next five years with zero input from you and see how well he does.

There is only one way you can get this under control and that is to bite the bullet and STOP SPENDING on all but the absolute essentials.

Why in the world did you buy new carpets when you know you are in dire straits?

You are going to have to cut right back on everything.

This!

How did you not discuss where the money for this was coming from?

I can see how he might feel like you've deceived him, "under control" to me means being reduced, not increased!

if she thought like that she wouldn't be in debt

Except this doesn’t include the car which if we are talking a luxury model could easily add £40,000 - £50,000 to the total.

For what is actually in the bank after deductions, I imagine they're well past that?

Time for a full sit-down, cards on the table, here's where we are and a plan to get out of it!

Get yourselves on to Money Saving Expert for some focused advice, accept you have NOTHING to spare and make a sport out of clearing it as fast as you can. Sell stuff you're not using. Cut your bills to the bone. Definitely no holidays or new carpets ...

So it's been a bit of both. At times we have reduced a lot of debt and then we have treaded/trod? water for a couple of months. I am certainly not saying that that I have managed it in the best way, or that I am an expert BUT I have taken an interest and have tried to put together a plan. He has literally not mentioned it, or shown any interest in over 2 years. He also knows that I have arranged balance transfers for some credit cards that are in his name so it's not as though it's hidden!

This is a lot of debt OP, it will take years to repay, instead of looking which of you is to blame, you need to sit together and start working towards a plan to get rid of it, as it won’t go away on its own. Good luck.

@tablemab How much is the car debt?

I think you are both at fault here.

He's happily accrued debt and then blamed you. He's absolved responsibility.
You've told him you have it under control and then add more debt to the total. You've not been keeping him in the picture.

I'd be mightily pissed off if my DH took responsibility of a problem we were both responsible for and then allowed it to get worse without telling him.

Surely a convo along the lines of "I know we agreed to get the carpets done. And a holiday. And a new bed. But just so you know, that adds another £x onto the debt and will mean it'll be another x months until we're clear." Even if he doesn't reply, you can't then be blamed for hiding anything.

I don't know how the husband can buy a new car and go on holiday etc and not wonder how these things are being paid for. He's deliberately put his head in the sand and is now blaming the OP, which is hardly fair because he knows that cars and holidays aren't free!

This. And tell him about the car now. No more secret stuff. It's just information. Knowing or not knowing doesn't make the number smaller.