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Original poster

DH excluding DD in will

448 replies

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:23

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 27/07/2023 00:52

BadNomad a lot more serious than an affair? that's quite dismissive of the damage and hurt an affair can cause - depending on the type of affair. Some affairs last YEARS and the spouse doesn't know (nor the children). But in this case I agree, it sounds like something else, not more serious in my book but the vibe of what Op said is somehow not pointing to an affair. Maybe something somethng like fraud / unlawful beaviour from a family member.

Threenow · 27/07/2023 00:55

MrTiddlesTheCat · 26/07/2023 21:59

He wants his final message to his daughter to be 'fuck you'. Awful.

Isn't that what she is saying by her going nc?

Why is it right for her, but not him?

BadNomad · 27/07/2023 01:00

CatAndHisKit · 27/07/2023 00:52

BadNomad a lot more serious than an affair? that's quite dismissive of the damage and hurt an affair can cause - depending on the type of affair. Some affairs last YEARS and the spouse doesn't know (nor the children). But in this case I agree, it sounds like something else, not more serious in my book but the vibe of what Op said is somehow not pointing to an affair. Maybe something somethng like fraud / unlawful beaviour from a family member.

Well, I was thinking more like he had been accused of doing something to a family member or a child. I would say that is more serious than an affair no?

JudgeRudy · 27/07/2023 01:11

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:23

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

Why do you strongly disagree? Or more to the point,why do you believe your husband should leave his money to somebody that he doesn't like/doesn't like him? If the only answer is that she's 'blood' and that's everything to you, then I would be focusing on healing relationships rather than who might get what depending on who dies first.
Do you believe either your husband or daughter are 'in the wrong'? This would affect my opinion. Have you/can you forgive? Can they? All more important than genetics I think.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2023 01:11

Pallisers · 26/07/2023 23:23

Forget the money. I would start talking about the emotions swirling about here.

Does your DH love his daughter? I mean that is the simple question here. Does his desire to punish her for cutting him off outweigh the love he feels for her. how does he feel about his other children? Does he want all his children to get on with each other as adults (I have adult children and this it is such a joy to me to see them relating to each other independently and with kindness and love). Is he aware that cutting one child out will jeopardise this badly?

This isn't about money at all. Clearly your dh has not come to terms at all with the argument, the split, the resolution - none of it. Neither has your daughter. Only you, OP, know what the split was about and where the rights and wrongs lie but my guess is you have some sympathy for your daughter's position.

And it won't be about money when your dd is cut out of her father's will. She'll do fine without the money but she will have been told by her dad that he didn't love her. This isn't like not leaving a portion to a drug addict child so as to protect them. This is a "My love was conditional and this is the result when you didn't toe the line"

Your dh is lashing out at his child. he needs to figure himself out here. If this is the kind of behaviour that caused the original argument, I can understand your dd's position.

Also quite often eldest children have an insight into their parent's marriage and what is actually going on that younger children don't. It is one of the downsides of being an eldest child.

This is very good advice.

Gadooza · 27/07/2023 01:20

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:34

I was thinking about an adjustment like this too

Sorry for not wanting to go into details about the circumstances but there was a massive split in the family, also involved extended family, and there was a lot of hurt. We were separated for 2 years but now everyone has come back together again except DH and DD

Show quote history

So sounds he had an affair with a family member.

Whatever the circumstance, seems anyway that your DD hasn’t gone NC for no reason. DH doesn’t sound very emotionally mature. Of course he can do what he wants with his will, but it sounds rather spiteful.

Gadooza · 27/07/2023 01:24

Pallisers · 26/07/2023 23:23

Forget the money. I would start talking about the emotions swirling about here.

Does your DH love his daughter? I mean that is the simple question here. Does his desire to punish her for cutting him off outweigh the love he feels for her. how does he feel about his other children? Does he want all his children to get on with each other as adults (I have adult children and this it is such a joy to me to see them relating to each other independently and with kindness and love). Is he aware that cutting one child out will jeopardise this badly?

This isn't about money at all. Clearly your dh has not come to terms at all with the argument, the split, the resolution - none of it. Neither has your daughter. Only you, OP, know what the split was about and where the rights and wrongs lie but my guess is you have some sympathy for your daughter's position.

And it won't be about money when your dd is cut out of her father's will. She'll do fine without the money but she will have been told by her dad that he didn't love her. This isn't like not leaving a portion to a drug addict child so as to protect them. This is a "My love was conditional and this is the result when you didn't toe the line"

Your dh is lashing out at his child. he needs to figure himself out here. If this is the kind of behaviour that caused the original argument, I can understand your dd's position.

Also quite often eldest children have an insight into their parent's marriage and what is actually going on that younger children don't. It is one of the downsides of being an eldest child.

☝️

noapologies · 27/07/2023 01:30

Without disclosing the details, who was in the wrong?

If your DD is not speaking to your DH because he did something awful (perhaps something to hurt you), then cutting her out of his will is him punishing her for his actions. I'd leave him all over again, TBH, because if he was genuinely trying to be a better person - the sort of person worthy of your love - he would own his shit and take accountability for it.

If your DD is not speaking to your DH because she did something awful, and he couldn't forgive her for it, I'd understand his actions more.

It's not actually about who gets what money - it's about how your DH is treating your children, who you love, and who he should love.

It feels like a relationship incompatibility to me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2023 01:33

noapologies · 27/07/2023 01:30

Without disclosing the details, who was in the wrong?

If your DD is not speaking to your DH because he did something awful (perhaps something to hurt you), then cutting her out of his will is him punishing her for his actions. I'd leave him all over again, TBH, because if he was genuinely trying to be a better person - the sort of person worthy of your love - he would own his shit and take accountability for it.

If your DD is not speaking to your DH because she did something awful, and he couldn't forgive her for it, I'd understand his actions more.

It's not actually about who gets what money - it's about how your DH is treating your children, who you love, and who he should love.

It feels like a relationship incompatibility to me.

Yes, agreed. The circumstances are extremely relevant. If he’s punishing his dd for his actions, that is unforgivable. Parental love should be unconditional. I would also adjust my will in my dd’s favour.

Mari9999 · 27/07/2023 01:41

@Willmatters
It is quite possible that your daughter will not be at all surprised or upset by your my husband's will. I suspect that while she probably loves her father that she has taken the full measure of the man and found him lacking.

Not everyone expects, needs , or wants to inherit anything from their parents. I think that your daughter might feel that she would have preferred that her father have shown respect for his family while he was living rather than giving her a bit of money when he is gone.

OP encourage your daughter to reconcile with her father. Do this not for him but for her. You don't want her nurturing anger that will likely turn into regret when he is gone.

FreeRider · 27/07/2023 01:44

My paternal grandmother died a couple of years ago - myself and my brothers lost contact with her when my parents split...we tried keeping in touch with her, but she made it difficult. I read her will last year, and she'd split her estate between my father and his younger brother...but had added a clause stating that if the younger brother died before she did (didn't happen) his share of the estate would go to his children.....but the same clause wasn't put in regarding my father's share.

Not going to lie, it stung, even though I had never expected to inherit anything from her. My grandmother had always hated my mother, blamed her for her poor relationship with my father, because my mother had 'made' my father immigrate to my mother's home country. My grandmother had actually gone no contact for 10 years at that point... even though he got back in contact with her, she was always very difficult to have a relationship with. So I feel like her will was her final 'fuck you' to my mother, using myself and my brothers as the way to do so.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/07/2023 01:45

I'm really divided on this.

On one hand, parental love should be unconditional and it's hard to imagine being so angry at your DC that you'd want to hurt them with your final act.

But on the flip side, if they are very clear in that they want nothing to do with you, and won't consider reconciling, then it would be hypocritical of them to accept your money in the event of your death. I can see why nothing would be left to a child who has gone NC - there is effectively no relationship, just shared DNA. It depends how much value you put on DNA and genes compared to an actual real relationship.

I don't think there's a wrong answer here.

I do think however that it might be very hard to get over the hurt of a child going NC and maybe disinheriting them is an emotional response, rather than logical.

Unless there are very good reasons for the DD to be NC, it's a shame that bridges can't be built back slowly. I've lost my dad, and there was a period in my 20s that we didn't talk for a few years over a stupid misunderstanding that escalated out of hand. I really regret that loss of time, it was so pointless, and I'm glad we made up before he died.

Of course, there are times when going NC is the right and understandable decision and there's no way back. None of us know what the situation is here and it may well be that this is the case. If so, the OP's DH needs to somehow make his peace with it and consider what he wants his final message to his DD to be. Including her in his Will would be magnanimous and loving, but may be hard for him if he's feeling bitter.

IncompleteSenten · 27/07/2023 02:34

I'd leave a part of his share to her to balance it out.

I'm assuming from your other replies that shes a good person who loves you and was there for you when he had an affair or hit you or gambled away your life savings or whatever equally awful thing it was he did and she couldn't forgive him and when you got back together with him she felt angry with you and that's why she withdrew from you too.

MisspentGenXYouth · 27/07/2023 04:53

I can understand why you’re upset but try not to worry too much. Just change your will to reduce his percentage so she gets extra and ultimately all your children get the same amount just via different methods if it’s the lack of equality that you’re most upset about.

Also try to remember by leaving her out of his will he’s unexpectedly doing her a favour. She’ll feel validated by going NC because it reinforces she was right about him all along. If he left her a larger amount she could well feel guilty and worry about misunderstanding and lost opportunities. Now she won’t have that guilt she’ll feel more confident about her decision.

If you’re worried about her reaction there’s nothing wrong with letting her know first so she’s not blindsided. You’ll know best of that’s the best option or not.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 27/07/2023 05:30

I would leave all of your half to your kids. Give your dh a lifetime interest in the house. This way you know if you go first your kids all get something. No one can be upset at getting a bigger share. It also means your kids will get something if dh remarries and it all ends up going to her kids. If your dh goes first (fingers crossed) you can leave the remaining assets to your kids equally.

navithefairy · 27/07/2023 06:04

Muckysmucky · 26/07/2023 21:38

hmmm sorry for jumping to conclusions but sounds suspiciously like DH had an affair and DD is the only one who hasn’t forgiven him.

Tbh neither of you should will go anyone but the spouse and especially not where there are conflicts as the child/ren could force getting their 10% which causes difficulties for the remaining parent.
But I can see that knowing he would disinherit your DD after your death makes that a difficult prospect for you.

The problem with going to the spouse is that if OP dies then 100% goes to her DH, and none will end up with her daughter at all as he would pass it to the other three.

OP has to leave something directly to the children to ensure her daughter gets something.

sashh · 27/07/2023 06:32

I'd take advice and include options eg if your DH dies first X and if you die first Y.

You could also take out life insurance, put in trust to go to your DD.

Not a lawyer but wills can be contested and from the little said here your DD may want to do that.

Bansheed · 27/07/2023 06:33

M6 step mother left her share.of the house fully to my half sister.l, not my dad. It is possible to side step your DH and do a fuck you, right back.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 27/07/2023 06:39

Everyone castigating the father over this issue has overlooked the eldest barely has contact with her mother too? So sounds like whatever the rift was shouldn't be landed solely at his door?

Bansheed · 27/07/2023 06:48

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 27/07/2023 06:39

Everyone castigating the father over this issue has overlooked the eldest barely has contact with her mother too? So sounds like whatever the rift was shouldn't be landed solely at his door?

Maybe she cannot understand wh6 her mother has stayed.

It all sounds like it was caused by seriously bad behaviour. Some have forgiven and moved on, she cannot.

Without knowing who needed to be forgiven it is a bit hard to unravel but if you wish to protect your daughter, do so.

If it is tying in to your ability to forgive too, that is probably why you feel so strongly. I would spend some time working that out too, probably with a therapist.

Aishah231 · 27/07/2023 06:49

If this is an incident which split the entire extended family then if has to be major meaning your daughter has good reason to go NC. However why hasn't she reconciled yet if you have OP. Is it because the incident is so bad, i.e abuse or is it because your husband is being an arse? I can't help feeling it's one or the other.

happywotsit · 27/07/2023 07:10

I am assuming you are in England but if you are in Scotland, you cant exclude children from a Will. Its called Legal rights. She will inherit whether named or not.

loislovesstewie · 27/07/2023 07:11

I love the way that people are assuming that the father had an affair and are jumping on him for that. We don't have any reason to believe that, we are just told it was a major issue. If the OP is happy to resume a relationship with her husband ,whatever the issue is, then why is the daughter being held up as being so very moral?
Whenever people ask about wills/leaving money, the general opinion is normally that we can each do what we want with our possessions/money, some people are called grabby for wanting an inheritance, but now the father is the devil himself! I ask you!!!

ittakes2 · 27/07/2023 07:13

Having come from a family of 5 kids with constant shifting sands of relationships I think you are being unfair. She is choosing not to talk to him at all - he has a right to be hurt - he has a right to do what he wants with his money. She still talks to you a bit so I am not surprised you feel differently to him - and even if she started not talking to you at all you may still feel you want to leave her something....your money your choice.
Quite frankly I watch (from afar as I don't live in my home country) while my youngest sister is already doing extra for my parents...calling them every day to check on them etc. My older brother is estranged from them for very complicated reasons but he is mostly angry at my dad who we know is protecting my mum from my brother as my mother has memory issues. I would not be surprised if my dad has restructured his will so that my brother's 1/5 goes directly to my brother's four daughters - all of who have different mothers and of which two my brother doesn't see.
I suspect my mother has left my brother 1/5 as a finally act of love for him - and I also suspect the plonker will then realise too late her love for him and he was an idiot to cut her off in her advancing years.

ToDoLists · 27/07/2023 07:14

Pallisers · 26/07/2023 23:23

Forget the money. I would start talking about the emotions swirling about here.

Does your DH love his daughter? I mean that is the simple question here. Does his desire to punish her for cutting him off outweigh the love he feels for her. how does he feel about his other children? Does he want all his children to get on with each other as adults (I have adult children and this it is such a joy to me to see them relating to each other independently and with kindness and love). Is he aware that cutting one child out will jeopardise this badly?

This isn't about money at all. Clearly your dh has not come to terms at all with the argument, the split, the resolution - none of it. Neither has your daughter. Only you, OP, know what the split was about and where the rights and wrongs lie but my guess is you have some sympathy for your daughter's position.

And it won't be about money when your dd is cut out of her father's will. She'll do fine without the money but she will have been told by her dad that he didn't love her. This isn't like not leaving a portion to a drug addict child so as to protect them. This is a "My love was conditional and this is the result when you didn't toe the line"

Your dh is lashing out at his child. he needs to figure himself out here. If this is the kind of behaviour that caused the original argument, I can understand your dd's position.

Also quite often eldest children have an insight into their parent's marriage and what is actually going on that younger children don't. It is one of the downsides of being an eldest child.

This! 100%

Someone described it as him wanting to have the last word and that sounds like that sums it up perfectly. Whatever happened you deemed to bad enough to leave for 2 years. And now you're back. And he's still horrible and you're having to work out how best to "manage him" and the impact of his behaviour.