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Original poster

DH excluding DD in will

448 replies

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:23

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

OP posts:
changeyerheadworzel · 26/07/2023 21:51

Sorry he sounds like a dick.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 26/07/2023 21:53

Would dd even want the money? I am nc with df. He did have Big Money..
When he dies I neither expect or want any..

harriethoyle · 26/07/2023 21:54

If each of your children get 12.5% from you, and from DH 3 get c.17.5%, why not adjust his share from you so that she gets the additional 17.5% from his 50% from you?

Then all the kids end up with the same amount.

sheworemellowyellow · 26/07/2023 21:57

Your DH doesn’t understand that wills are about so much more than money, or understands and is choosing to inflict pain through the will. I’d struggle to understand too. In my book, children are allowed to walk away from parents, but parents can’t walk away from their children. Deliberately leaving one child out is a pointed statement of “you’re not part of my family or legacy”. It could damage a person for life.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 26/07/2023 21:59

He wants his final message to his daughter to be 'fuck you'. Awful.

continentallentil · 26/07/2023 22:01

It sounds like the rift was as much his fault as hers / as anyones?

Anyway, I would encourage him to see that behaving like this will continuing discord down the generations. Does he really want to set the kids against each other?

If he insists I would adapt your Will accordingly, ie leave more to her, explain to the kids why you’ve done this so no one feels more upset than needed.

Your DH isn’t coming out of this well OP.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 26/07/2023 22:04

I agree it sounds like he had an affair and is now punishing his daughter for not forgiving him
She has good morals and his is shit.

Nonimai · 26/07/2023 22:10

Personally, I would not stand for this. Not only is the rift there with your daughter now - but this promises to cause a rift between your daughter and her siblings. It is cruel and manipulative and you can never trust him to be fair. Leave him. Split your assets 50/50 now. Split your will between your children and start putting money in an account for your daughter or her children to mitigate what she will lose from her father.

Orchidflower1 · 26/07/2023 22:10

Honestly @Willmatters can you really stand by and have your dd punished for the rest of her life? I don’t think I could be with someone who was so spiteful towards their own child.

WTFAreYouForReal · 26/07/2023 22:10

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:34

I was thinking about an adjustment like this too

Sorry for not wanting to go into details about the circumstances but there was a massive split in the family, also involved extended family, and there was a lot of hurt. We were separated for 2 years but now everyone has come back together again except DH and DD

Show quote history

I'm guessing he fucked op's sister/cousin/sil etc and dd won't forgive him 🤔

Snugglemonkey · 26/07/2023 22:11

Orchidflower1 · 26/07/2023 22:10

Honestly @Willmatters can you really stand by and have your dd punished for the rest of her life? I don’t think I could be with someone who was so spiteful towards their own child.

I could not. I just would not respect him.

Nonimai · 26/07/2023 22:14

I would also speak to your other children and make them promise faithfully that they will split any money from their father between all 4 of them.

Polik · 26/07/2023 22:15

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:50

The will adviser said this clause would be put in so neither of us need to worry about being forced out of our home

Show quote history

But, if you die first, DH will need the signature of all children (Inc eldest) if he wishes to move house and downsize,
or take out a loan secured on the home, release equity etc.

My grandmother really disliked the loss of independence when she needed her children's "permission" in order to move to a bungalow.

SarahAndQuack · 26/07/2023 22:16

I would talk to him. Does he really want his DD's last experience of him as a father to be like this? Presumably he has good memories of her childhood - can you remind him of those? I think that, regardless of who has done what in an adult relationship, it is awful to treat a child as less than their siblings.

WinterDeWinter · 26/07/2023 22:16

Orchidflower1 · 26/07/2023 22:10

Honestly @Willmatters can you really stand by and have your dd punished for the rest of her life? I don’t think I could be with someone who was so spiteful towards their own child.

This. I could not love a man who could do such a vicious, vicious thing to his own child. So determined to have the last cruel word. It’s repulsive, horrific.

drpet49 · 26/07/2023 22:16

Tapasgoofy · 26/07/2023 21:24

She’s no contact with him. He has every right to not leave her anything.

This

WTFAreYouForReal · 26/07/2023 22:17

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 26/07/2023 21:53

Would dd even want the money? I am nc with df. He did have Big Money..
When he dies I neither expect or want any..

This. Accepting it when she has nothing to do with him will make her a hypocrite.

SunnyFrost · 26/07/2023 22:20

If she is no contact with him because of something he did, such as an affair, that she doesn’t feel able to forgive him for - then what he’s doing is vile and all he is doing is ensuring that when he dies she feels vindicated for not forgiving such a nasty little cretin. Everything you have hinted at so far OP, doesn’t make it hard to see why she doesn’t have anything to do with him. Blowing your family apart them disinheriting the child who doesn’t conveniently get over it, is lower than low. But you can’t change him, you can only control how you react to his nastiness. Are you going to sit by and watch this happen or is there a drip feed which counters all your hinting thus far and which places him firmly in the right?

rwalker · 26/07/2023 22:21

If she’s NC why would she want his money

if he’s reached out in the past and she does want any relationship with him them that’s it done respect her decision

I think @Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets
summed it up

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 26/07/2023 22:25

Who did the wrong thing at the root of the fall out? DH? And who was the victim? You? Or DD? If he was in the wrong and wanted to compound it like that, I'd be really really unhappy with him. Not sure I could get over him being so cold tbh.

Also, he's putting the other 3 in a horrid position whereby they'll be bereaved, and also trying to work out and agree whether to give DD a share from what he's left them and how to do it. What if 2 think one way and one the other? He could cause another rift.

strawberryandcreams · 26/07/2023 22:26

He's still cheating on you now....

tothelefttotheleft · 26/07/2023 22:30

HaveHadKenough · 26/07/2023 21:26

I would hugely struggle with this too, it would be his last act to his children. Yes, he has the right to do it but why would he?

I think my ex is going to do this to our children.

It really is the final insult.

Fairymother · 26/07/2023 22:34

sheworemellowyellow · 26/07/2023 21:57

Your DH doesn’t understand that wills are about so much more than money, or understands and is choosing to inflict pain through the will. I’d struggle to understand too. In my book, children are allowed to walk away from parents, but parents can’t walk away from their children. Deliberately leaving one child out is a pointed statement of “you’re not part of my family or legacy”. It could damage a person for life.

This. And it will probably cause a rift between your children too.. Does he want that?

Trees6 · 26/07/2023 22:35

This man can’t be trusted. You need to make sure that your will is absolutely watertight. Obtain legal advice separately. I’d leave your half to the four kids tbh.

If you die first you don’t want him taking up with some woman after your death and financially shafting all four of your children.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 26/07/2023 22:37

@Willmatters I'm going to go against the grain and say you shouldn't alter your will. Because you don't know what would happen after you're gone and your other 3DC will probably resent you for favouring the eldest.

Imagine you go first. You each have 500K - for you that's 250K to DH, £62.5K to each child currently, for DH thats 250K to you, £83K to the other 3 kids. Yes your DD gets less, but YOU have treated them equally.

Say you changed your will to make up the difference so you made it 'equal', but then your DH goes into a care home after you're gone and that uses everything. Your other 3 DC get nothing from their dads estate, but your oldest got extra money from yours. She has been favoured and received more.

You can't control what happens after you're gone. Leave your will as is. If you go first you treated them equally. If your DH goes first you can always alter your will after to try make it more equal (e.g. at that point say first £83K goes to oldest to equalise what the other 3 got from DH then after that split equally). But if you did that I'd make sure you had a good chat with your other 3 DC to see if they're on board.