DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

I mentioned nothing about the OP's husband. I referred to my own friends and acquaintances.

This thread isn’t about your friends and acquaintances. It’s about OP and her husband

So would you like to show where the OP says her husband did not make this effort?

I think it’s heavily implied. In direct contrast to absolutely zero inference I’ve gathered that he has made any effort at all.

But I still don't understand why you think that in a situation where a child blames a parent, even if unfairly, that child should be disinherited. Surely you wouldn't disinherit your own child?

Why don’t you understand it? I get that you wouldn’t do it - but several posters have explained why they would/have. What is it you don’t understand?

@GrinAndVomit I agree. The OP implies the father was in the wrong and did something absolutely awful that the daughter can't forgive. Which is why I think OP has sympathy for her daughter even tho the daughter has gone NC.

@WinterDeWinter

But I still don't understand why you think that in a situation where a child blames a parent, even if unfairly, that child should be disinherited. Surely you wouldn't disinherit your own child? Would you not continue to try and build bridges, reminding them that you are there for them and how much you love them? Acknowledging the deep injury that has been done to her and that she holds you in part responsible? And that, even if you didn't collude, you also (likely through no fault of your own) were ultimately unable to protect her - that's a fact, as unbearable and impossible to face as it must seem.

I didn't immediately disinherited him, nor was it because he incorrectly blames me, it's because he's chosen, for almost 20 years now, to go LC with me, and I only did my will a couple of years ago. If he were to change his mind and make proper contact (now, not when I'm on my deathbed), I would happily make changes to it, but I've tried so many times to talk about it and to build bridges, In every text message I send, I do tell him I love him, but he's having none of it.
I'd spent years trying to protect him (I discovered his father had a history of this around the time our son was born), and I insisted contact was to be supervised, but on this one occasion, he chose to take him to his own home rather than to the agreed relative's house, had told them he wasn't having him that day and no-one had said anything to me, so I was totally oblivious to his underhanded behaviour until it all came out that xmas.
Something that really got to me, which added to my reasons for disowning my mother, rightly, she was really supportive of him when I told her about what he'd said about his father, but this just made me feel even worse about the fact that she never believed me when I told her about what her bastard husband was doing to me when I was a teenager, she has always called me a liar about it. She has always stuck to the same answer whenever I've asked her why she so readily believed my child but never her own child, calling me a liar.
My younger child has also questioned her about this and she tells them the same thing.

Something that really got to me, which added to my reasons for disowning my mother, rightly, she was really supportive of him when I told her about what he'd said about his father

This might be a little window into the issue between your child and you.
It would have been incredibly hurtful to see you be annoyed that your mum supported and believed him.

@GrinAndVomit

No, I never showed him my anger over it, that was done privately with her.
Besides, I was pleased that she was supportive of him, it just irked me that she wouldn't believe me, preferring to believe her rapist husband.
The second my child told me what had happened with his father, I had absolutely no hesitation in believing him, isn't that how all (decent) parents should respond?

But your other child has picked up on your feelings about it and consequently asked your mother about it so you can’t have hidden them very well.

You have a choice here. Dig in your heels. Refuse to be open to the idea that you could have some responsibility here. Continue to place all the blame on your child. Continue this familial cycle.

Or accept that there are complex emotions and that your child might be justified in his anger. Ask to speak to him and really listen. Take some responsibility. Apologise. Heel. Break the cycle.

Heal

Okay, we get it. NC children good, parents bad. Can we have some peace now?

Yes. There’s a feature which enables you to mute the thread on here 😊

There’s also the option of not banging the same drum page after page after page.

I’m responding to people speaking to me about the topic of the thread.
Hide the thread if it is issue for you. I ‘m not going to stop participating in the discussion or stop replying to people just because you want me to.

@Harmonypus

So you have a child who was sexually abused
Who clearly feels abandoned, deeply betrayed and very, very angry
and your response is to... punish him MORE by disinheriting him?
You want him to know that you wanted him to be more hurt than he is already. From beyond the grave - there will be no taking it back. You want him to suffer more than the sexual abuse, more than the feeling of being let down by the adults in his life - because you feel you have suffered?

I'm not often lost for words.

@GrinAndVomit @WinterDeWinter

This is the last I'm going to comment on this subject because neither of you seem to understand the situation, despite my very clear explanations.

I have never abandoned my son, nor am I punishing him, I've just done what he said he wants, or more to the point, what he doesn't want.
I have never denied that I was responsible for keeping him safe, I had put every measure possible in place and can't be held responsible for his father breaking the rules of access, especially if I wasn't made aware of it until several months later.
Anyone who's not been sexually abused can never understand what it's like, so as the victim of several years of systematic rape, I think I can understand what that feels like on both physical and emotional levels. I also believe this makes me the right person to understand my own child's feelings after having been abused by his father. His abuse happened on one occasion, yes, once is once too often, so I'm not trying to say his experience was not traumatic, it had to have been terrifying for him.
This happened almost 3 decades ago, my younger child was a baby at the time, so wouldn't have known anything about it at all, but conversations have been had about allsorts of subjects over the years, and yes, they know about what both their brother and myself have been through, and know what their grandmother's attitude towards me is, not only from me but numerous other people too. They're a grown adult now, very protective of me and has questioned my mother about why she's spent 50 years hating her own daughter, and can't get a straight answer.
So yes, there are extremely complex emotions here, and yes, my child is justified to be angry, he just needs to direct it at the correct person, namely his father.

Now please let this be three end of my grilling.

@Harmonypus

I’m NC with my mum. She didn’t listen to me when I told her I was being sexually abused by a family member.
The final nail in the coffin was when, as adults I was trying to talk to her about it and she stated that “I hadn’t been raped” to highlight that my abuse was less than hers so I shouldn’t be so angry. She’s managed to let it go so why couldn’t I?

I do understand your situation. I do understand how your child feels.

You seem too invested in denying any fault and raging about your abuse to really accommodate his feelings about his own abuse.

@GrinAndVomit so basically you've got your own issues and are projecting your anger towards your own mother onto @Harmonypus ?

I have my own issues. As does @Harmonypus
I’m pointing out that if she really wishes to mend relations with her child, she has to be open to taking some responsibility and to really listening to him.

@Harmonypus I am very very sorry that you experienced such terrible sexual abuse, and then such horrendous emotional abuse from your own mother.

I just don't understand why, having yourself experienced such misery through your parents, you would want your own son to experience any more pain - even if you feel that 'officially' he's the one in the wrong. You must know that his feelings are the result of the damage that has been done to him? I just don't understand how you could bear to cause any more, when it won't help you deal with your own damage at all.

It's a terrible mess.

I think it is quite obvious why the OP is considering this, she has 4 children and if she dies she doesn't want one to get nothing from what she has accumulated with her husband over 30 years. You can leave it so your partner can stay in the house for life so the kids can't kick him out but your half goes where you want it to and it isn't the children having some of his share as it isn't his share.

I know a case locally of a man with some learning difficulties who had always lived at home. His mother died and as she would have expected he continued to live with his father but a few months passed and father got involved with a local woman. She moved in and demanded the son move out, his father didn't stand up for him and out he went and in came the new woman's DD and GC. Father didn't live long and wife of just over a year now has the house that he and his wife paid for. His child is living in a grotty bedsit and has to have help to pay the rent, he works but NMW on a part time basis. All that could have been avoided if his mother had left him her half of the house, even if it was sold when his father died and new wife got half the money he'd have had enough money to buy a little flat which would have given him some security and it would also mean that council tax payers wouldn't be paying his rent. Everyone wins except the 2nd wife in that scenario.

DH is displaying petty and narcissistic behaviours by excluding a child. No matter what happens with my child I’d want to know she’ll be ok. Especially once I’m gone, what’s the money to me then anyway? The only reason to send this send this type of “message” would be to make the surviving family member feel awful and rejected but have no opportunity for closure. It’s incredibly cruel.

Of course not knowing the full story, so we’d assume the only instance yo accept leaving them out of the will would be because they had substance addiction Issues.