DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

It is the same the other way around too. No one is going to say they're the one to blame.

My sibling is actually NC with my parents because of me. They lied about me, very clearly obvious lies, and when they weren't believed said they wouldn't talk to my parents, let them see the grandchildren etc unless they cut contact with me.

According to some on here, they're an innocent victim.

Leave it all to the 4 children and bugger him.

My DH was left far less than his sister in his Mum's will and rightly or wrongly it caused issues with their relationship after his Mum died and they now havent spoken for 8 yrs

You have to think about the relationship between the siblings once you & DH are no longer around.

I think this is the main thing he needs to think about.

because either the other siblings share the money out anyway which makes his whole gesture pointless. Or they don’t which could really affect relationships. Is he being fair on the kids he does still like or is he putting them in an awful position?

Have you seen a lawyer? Assets that are part of marriage are just that. You can’t start dividing as you’re describing here. Things like house would have to be sold if you own.

how it should work is in event of your death all goes to husband and his death all to you. It’s after both your deaths that things are divided amongst kids.

Trust me, lots of money does not mean that you'll see a lot of your adult children if your health goes downhill. Even when those children know they'll be left sizeable legacies.

@GrinAndVomit

Does your mother accept her wrong doings and take responsibility for them?

No. She has never even accepted that her husband did what he did, despite it having gone on under her nose for almost 5yrs.
She also told me from the age of 5 to 19, that she hated me because I reminded her of my dad who'd walked away from her, leaving myself and my sibling (who was blatantly our mother's favourite - no, I'm not jealous) with her.

Of the many parents whose children have gone NC with them on here, not a single one is taking responsibility for any of it. They’re placing their children in the position of aggressor and them in the position of victim.
Every single one.

My child who's virtually NC with me was having access visits (away from my house) with their father at age 8, and unbeknownst to me, was subjected to a sexual act. The father was flaky with access, so when we heard nothing from him for 5 months, I thought nothing of it. Then, that xmas I got a call from my solicitor saying he'd been in touch wanting overnight access. I told him "no", and my child overheard the conversation, and said "please don't make me see him" (I'd never made them see him), so I asked why and learned what had happened in the summer.
We went straight to the solicitor's office, then to the police station to report what I'd just been told.
Due to the time elapsed and discrepancies in my child's statement (bearing in mind they were only 8), the father was interviewed but no further action taken.
My child blames me for the police not having done anything. I've tried talking to them about it over the years but haven't got anywhere.
I do believe that if I'd known about what had happened within a day or two, there wouldn't have been discrepancies in my child's statement and something might have been done, but there was no indication of there ever being anything wrong until months later.

@WinterdeWinter

I don’t understand your logic. Your disability is not relevant to whether you have behaved badly enough to merit your child feeling that they need to protect themselves from you by going NC. Which is what the vast majority of NC adult children are doing.

I only mentioned my disability because someone had previously said something about adult children walking away from disabled and sick parents who need additional help.
My children both grew up working around my disability, knowing that they had to do little things around the home to help.
My younger child has always been more involved in helping me, and even though they now live and work 200miles away, they call me every day and get back home on a regular basis. I don't 'expect' this at all, I'm just grateful that they care, and show it.

So, if I have 2 adult children, one has pretty much cut all ties (other than 2 or 3 text messages per year, but always instigated by me), and the other is as involved in my life as they want to be, and their living/working situation allows, why shouldn't I be able to show my appreciation where I want to?

The only straightforward solution here is for the OP's DH to die first. That may obviously not happen, but there's a fair chance it will. If OP dies first there are so many uncertainties. DH might remarry and then want to leave most of his assets to his new wife. He might conceivably argue with another of his DCs and disinherit them or reduce what he leaves them. He might end up in an expensive care home so that all the remaining money is spent on that. So there's absolutely no guarantee that he will in fact leave all his money to his 3 in-contact DCs. That means that if OP leaves more of her money to no-contact DC, that DC may end up with more inheritance than the other 3. It might be best for her to consider carefully what she NEEDS to leave to her DH (eg to leave him her share of the marital home so he doesn't have to sell up and move house). That might be less than the planned 50% of all assets. Then share the assets her DH can reasonably easily get by without equally among all 4 DCs. At the end of the day, insofar as she has a moral responsibility to look out for her children's financial futures (which I don't accept) and to show them that she loves and values them, she will be fulfilling that if she treats them all equally in terms of the money she can spare for them. There's an argument she should pay the one DC more, because there is no expectation of a further legacy, but that's where her other 3 children may feel unfairly treated and could in theory end up with less overall inheritance. Which is why I'd suggest a discussion with all the DCs before the decision is made to leave one of them more money than the others.

@GrinAndVomit because as I said, most of us here know that adult children who go NC only do so as a last resort, in order to protect themselves (and often their own children) from a toxic parent.

That doesn't change because one of your other children is still in contact - it could mean that the still-in-contact child is the golden child perhaps, or that they are still in denial or FOG.

Of course you may be the exception, absolutely - but the fact that in none of your posts do you mention your own role in the estrangement is a strong indicator that you are not.

Not sure but in response to posters saying you should change your %s accordingly....if you do your other DC's should know why or (if u went first) they may have some confused feelings.
Good luck

You may believe that adult DCs who go no contact always do so very reluctantly and have an extremely good reason to do so. I've certainly seen posts which suggest that that's not true. I remember a post from such a person who gave a long list of possible reasons for adult DC going no contact, all of which she clearly thought were justified. The long list included quite a few reasons that I'd consider to be pretty trivial. A child causes great and permanent pain when they break contact with a parent (barring some exceptions, no doubt). I've known a couple of people who told me that their DC had cut contact with them without giving them any idea of the reason. Those mothers had a strong relationship with their remaining DCs and grandchildren. They remained haunted by the child they'd lost.

So despite having gone through something similar, you are completely unable to empathise with your child. She’s still the problem.
Your mother accepted no responsibility and she was the problem.
Now you are accepting no responsibility and your daughter is the problem.

Do you not think it’s time you broke this chain? Looked at getting therapy and helping your daughter heal?

I agree. I’m NC with my parents. My brother is LC. With them. We have a very close relationship and he often tells me how he hopes on day to be free of the guilt that 30 odd years of gaslighting has done to him and he too could be strong enough to go NC.
Until then, he hides behind a busy work schedule. Our parents seem happy to pretend too.

Argh sorry my last post should have been addressed to @Harmonypus (sorry @GrinAndVomit )

It’s fine. It’s so easily done.

And @Harmonypus I missed your update about the sexual abuse - I'm sorry, that is awful for her, and must be very painful for you.

But I still don't understand why you think that in a situation where a child blames a parent, even if unfairly, that child should be disinherited. Surely you wouldn't disinherit your own child? Would you not continue to try and build bridges, reminding them that you are there for them and how much you love them? Acknowledging the deep injury that has been done to her and that she holds you in part responsible? And that, even if you didn't collude, you also (likely through no fault of your own) were ultimately unable to protect her - that's a fact, as unbearable and impossible to face as it must seem.

Depends how the house it legally held. If joint tenants it would pass outside of the will and not form part of the deceased’s estate.

Just as previous posters are insisting that no adult child breaks contact with their parent without a great deal of pain and injury from that parent, i have never known a parent to disinherit an adult child until all attempts at bridge building and reconciliation have been exhausted after many years.

Have you read the OP?

Yes.

So where have you read that OP’s husband has “attempted at bridge building and reconciliation have been exhausted after many years.”?
I must have missed it.

Where did you see that he didn't?

I've read all your updates OP. You sound like a really good mum!! I'm sorry to say it's no wonder your DD has nothing to do with your DH if he is stooping so low. I would leave 40 percent of the house to your DH to make it even to your estranged DD.

It's petti as a parent. I've had a family fall out with my parents which is complex and I don't think we will speak again. I love all my siblings and if I came into a large sum of money I'd see all 3 of them right!

I would too. Throwing a strop isn't helpful to the DM in this scenario, it's just self indulgent.

I feel there must be more to this than just the DH having an affair.

So I’m to assume that people have done things when posters haven’t explicitly said they haven’t?

I think OP might have mentioned a grovelling apology. She hasn’t. She’s actually implied that her husband did something incredibly hurtful, she’s forgiven and moved on and her daughter has been expected, but unable, to do the same.