DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

Unless of course you have omitted your husband did something illegal which caused your daughter to disown him?

Of course he can do what he wants with his money. Can leave the whole lot to a donkey sanctuary if he sees fit. But leaving one kid out isn't about the money- its about wanting to send a message to one of your children and that is pretty cruel imo.

Sometimes you know the DC can be in the wrong.

We have limited information to make a proper assessment but either way her DH has made his wishes clear shouldn't they be respected?

Unless op comes back and says what happened it's hard to judge why dd doesn't want any contact

Which then impacts why dh is cutting her out of the will

It does sound like dh has an affair with a family member . And op forgive but dd didn't

Yes, as a few PPs have stated, he of course has the right not to leave her anything, but that’s not what’s being questioned here. OP is struggling to accept that her DH would decide, in his final act, to send such a clear message of rejection to his own child.

Again, it is irrelevant whether acceptance of any inheritance would make her a hypocrite. This is simply about whether OP can overcome her feelings of disappointment and disgust that her DH would treat their child so unkindly.

If my DH were to leave one of his DC out of his will due to an estrangement, I certainly wouldn’t be able to accept or forgive that. OP, your horror at his decision is valid. Imagine wanting your final act to send a message of rejection to your own child, to let them know they meant nothing to you, that you didn’t care about their well-being or security, and their position as a member of the family was completely insignificant.

If any of my children were ever to go NC with me, I wouldn’t stop loving them. And I certainly wouldn’t want my final message to them be that my love for them was in any way conditional. OP, your DH has either not thought through his actions with enough depth, or he is a vindictive, unpleasant man who hopes to cause hurt to his own child.

Doesn't matter if the daughter was wrong. Rejecting your own child from beyond the grave to try to make a point is a really terrible thing to do. Whatever the rift was, he's made up with his wife who was on the same "side" as the daughter so it can't have been anything unforgivable.

He has the right to do this, but it makes him an appalling father who puts his ego above how he leaves his kids.

Daughter obviously has good reasons to cut him out if this is the sort of person he is. I couldn't stay married to him, personally. It's not about the money, unless they're massively wealthy then it isn't going to be a huge amount. It's about the gesture and the fact that he wants his last message on this earth to his daughter to be two fingers.

Whilst other posters are right that he can do what he wants, I’d be asking him what he wants his legacy to be 5, 10,15 years after his death?
does he want it to be that he drove a wedge between ALL his children by favouring some more than others, or that he was forgiving and intelligent enough to realise that ALL his children would be effected by an unequal inheritance

I’ve seen a fair number of sibling’s relationships break down because the benefitting siblings feel awkward and embarrassed to meet with the non benefitting sibling because they’ve paid their mortgage off, bought bigger house, taken that luxury holiday, retired early etc etc whereas their sibling hasn’t be able to do that. And clearly, despite the MN brigade here about how “ deprived” sibling shouldn’t be so grabby, the pain a disinherited sibling feels that even after death they’re still being punished by their parent, is a massive impact on mental health - and they can’t even discuss with their on sibling

if he’s prepared to drive that wedge between siblings, and leave a legacy of a controlling angry man, then rock on. But he can do the opposite and be remembered for being forgiving, generous, and caring about his children’s relationship with each other, irrespective of his own relationship issues

I'm on the opposite side of this. My sibling is NC with us all. My Dad wants to keep her in his will and my Mum wants to remove her.

It feels quite hurtful that my Dad sees us as all equal after the way she's treated everyone. If she's left the same as the others, that's going to cause a bigger rift than if she's left nothing/a nominal amount.

I only know the ins and outs because our parents wanted to take our opinions on board.

They've always been the golden child to my Dad, regardless of their behaviour.

This isn’t straightforward and has tax implications
if the siblings gift some of their portion to other sibling, then pass away within 7 years, that gift will be part of value of the gifters estate
so, what’s needed is a deed of variation on the will. So the disinherited sibling inherits direct. But ALL beneficiaries and executor has to agree and follow the legal process and, as I understand, in England, you can’t benefit someone not already in the will- you can only alter the amounts.

in Scotland, their rather complex laws actually ensure all children inherit something at set minimum levels, so a claim could be made as part of probate

A rift through life is one thing, but to continue a rift after death, that’s extreme.

Is your daughter a drug addict or alcoholic? A gambler? Does she have huge character flaws? If not, and everyone else has made up, it would appear his the problem? He should seriously reconsider what his doing and stop letting male pride get in his way.

Nailed it. It's completely fair and understandable.

Golden child is bad parenting and your sister will be suffering along with the rest of you, which is presumably why she's gone NC. Clearly she isn't golden with anyone else in the family. Your parents including the other children in it (sharing the ins and outs with you, as you say) is further bad parenting. Leaving her out of the will to satisfy her siblings' bad feelings towards her would also be bad parenting.

I'm very sorry that the children of bad parents so often turn on each other instead of addressing the parent. You can understand why, though.

Unusual will set up, usually surviving partner inherits 100% of the estate, and then when they die the estate is split between the beneficiaries. But of course you don’t have to adopt this position, but it could make things awkward if the surviving partner wants to stay in the home.

If this situation is as suggested earlier then tbh OP your DH sounds horrible. I would not be putting up with this as all.

I would be leaving everything to the children and nothing to him, in fact my Will is just that!

Just also to say, I think it's important to protect children in Will’s. Leave it all to your spouse and they remarry there is a risk of everything going to the new wife and her children. No Way!

It's very likely there will be a reconciliation between them. Ask your husband what he would feel like if he died after reconciliation, but when the original will was still in place?

Or you’d be fool to think that you can trust your partner to give whatever is left fairly to all the dcs.
At least in those circumstances.

Or what happens here is that the DH hasn’t forgiven the fact that ‘everyone’ seems to have forgiven him for his role in whatever issue there was but his dd hasn’t.
Basically he isn’t forgiving her for not falling inline like the others.

We’ve done this. It protects the children if the surviving spouse remarries. It also protects money from care home fees.

Op, it does very much depend on if dh’s actions caused the rift. If they did and he can’t take accountability for his own actions, then that does reflect badly on him as a person. If that’s the case, he should be feeling guilty for putting his dd through what he has and understand why she’s nc.

If you can see he’s blameless for the nc, then he will be feeling hurt and it’s more understandable about the will, even if still wrong.

My 'D'F is extremely wealthy, narcissistic and toxic. I've been NC for 8 years. I know when he dies he will not have left me anything and I'm actually pleased. I dont want anything from him while he lives and I certainly don't want anything from him when he dies.

Without knowing the details, I think this sounds like a very cruel act on the part of your DH. Whatever your DD has done, cutting her out of the will is surely intended to hurt her. And it will.

I don't think anyone is disputing this?! But the OP is concerned about the emotional implications of his decision. (As she should be!)

It’s worth remembering that if he goes ahead with this, then as long as they all agree, the other 3 dcs can always make a deed of variation, and reinstate the 4th.

Dh and his siblings did this when an aunt had left one of them out, because she disapproved of his spendthrift (she really was) wife and didn’t want her getting any of her money.
By the time the relative died, though, they were divorced so it was no longer an issue anyway.

I think she'd be able to challenge the will anyway so it's not given just because that's what it says.

I've looked into this myself as I have an estranged DD who herself doesn't want to reconcile. I understand that even if I removed her from the will she could challenge it & a court might be sympathetic who knows.
And in your situation, it might be that her siblings would want to give her something if they still have a relationship with her. You just never know.

Then again if she isn't financially motivated she might not care what he does.

IMO I think you should have some agreement between you & your DH because if nothing else she will raise a fair point if you have said you want her to inherit your assets.
I believe despite my situation that all DC should inherit unless they make it clear that they want nothing to do with you. In which case (bearing in mind things can & do change & wills can too) but if this sticks & continues you should do what you want with it.

NB it's my understanding that if you want to remove her or give her less you should write a covering letter in your own hand explaining why & put this with your will.

Being disinherited by my estranged father was the single most painful experience of my life. And 15 years on (at the grand age of 45) it still hurts.

It hurst that even in death he held enough spite to want to make me feel bad.

We were estranged as he had some unpleasant views, and I couldn't tolerate the way he treated other people.

Did I 'deserve' half his estate? Maybe not.
Did I deserve to be made to feel the way I did, I don't think so.