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Original poster

DH excluding DD in will

448 replies

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:23

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

OP posts:
AMuser · 26/07/2023 23:23

Keykaty · 26/07/2023 21:34

Are your assets held as a joint tenancy or as tenants in common?

If joint tenants then each share will pass automatically to the survivor so you cannot determine who will get what percentage of your or his share. If tenants in common then each of you can distribute your share as you wish.

If you are unhappy about his distribution leaving one child out, then you could leave your 50% share amongst all your children, leaving him out altogether.

However, that is a big step, but it could be done.

This only applies to “real property” as in your home or other land. It doesn’t apply to any other type of asset.

Pallisers · 26/07/2023 23:23

Forget the money. I would start talking about the emotions swirling about here.

Does your DH love his daughter? I mean that is the simple question here. Does his desire to punish her for cutting him off outweigh the love he feels for her. how does he feel about his other children? Does he want all his children to get on with each other as adults (I have adult children and this it is such a joy to me to see them relating to each other independently and with kindness and love). Is he aware that cutting one child out will jeopardise this badly?

This isn't about money at all. Clearly your dh has not come to terms at all with the argument, the split, the resolution - none of it. Neither has your daughter. Only you, OP, know what the split was about and where the rights and wrongs lie but my guess is you have some sympathy for your daughter's position.

And it won't be about money when your dd is cut out of her father's will. She'll do fine without the money but she will have been told by her dad that he didn't love her. This isn't like not leaving a portion to a drug addict child so as to protect them. This is a "My love was conditional and this is the result when you didn't toe the line"

Your dh is lashing out at his child. he needs to figure himself out here. If this is the kind of behaviour that caused the original argument, I can understand your dd's position.

Also quite often eldest children have an insight into their parent's marriage and what is actually going on that younger children don't. It is one of the downsides of being an eldest child.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/07/2023 23:25

She's an adult and made her stance clear by remaining NC. that's up to her and fair play to her for having principles. Whatever has happened, she doesn't feel able to repair the relationship so would she want or accept anything if the circs arose

NeedToChangeName · 26/07/2023 23:26

I'm guessing he had an affair, OP chose to reconcile and DD hasn't forgiven him

If it's something like that, seems really unfair for DD to inherit nothing from DH. I wonder if her siblings would share their inheritance with her?

Notamum12345577 · 26/07/2023 23:26

As a married couple, when one of you dies the money is split up between surviving spouse and the children, and not everything to the spouse and then the children after the spouse dies?

Mari9999 · 26/07/2023 23:30

,@Willmatters
It is regrettable that even in death that people want to nurture anger from the grave.
So much for unconditional love for our children.

Rachie1973 · 26/07/2023 23:33

Polik · 26/07/2023 22:15

But, if you die first, DH will need the signature of all children (Inc eldest) if he wishes to move house and downsize,
or take out a loan secured on the home, release equity etc.

My grandmother really disliked the loss of independence when she needed her children's "permission" in order to move to a bungalow.

Show quote history

Yup. Our house is our house until we both go. Then, and only then, do our kids get a claim.

Nellynoowhoareyou · 26/07/2023 23:34

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though he’s punishing her for being the one in the family with the most integrity. If she was being protective of you and then you ‘reneged’ and got back with him, how does she feel about that? A posthumous ‘eff you’ to her from him would be the final kick in the teeth. I think I would have to put my foot down in your position. What an arse he sounds.

HappiDaze · 26/07/2023 23:34

So your DH is bit nasty piece of work then really

I would split all my £££ between all of my DC and leave none to him

Obviously you need to do this in a way he won't find out

Rachie1973 · 26/07/2023 23:35

Spanky123 · 26/07/2023 22:45

You sound lovely

Show quote history

But probably somewhat astute.

TheCraicDealer · 26/07/2023 23:36

FunnysInLaJardin · 26/07/2023 23:12

surely you leave everything to surviving spouse and then to the children?

DH’s parents had mirror wills where each left their 50% of the house to their two kids, but any other assets went to the surviving spouse. It was MIL’s idea as she was certain if she went first FIL (who was lovely but would agree to anything for an easy life) would be prey to a predatory second wife and “the boys” would see their inheritance eroded or whipped away. So in her mind them getting half the house on the death of the first spouse would mean they got always got something, even if the surviving spouse later remarried or ended up in a home. As it happens FIL predeceased her, and whilst DH and his brother now own half her house there’s no question of them trying to move her on or force a sale. Whether it’s a good idea or not very much depends on the family I think, and whether there’s other assets to take into consideration.

Sandra1984 · 26/07/2023 23:38

Now I know why DD went NC with her dad, he's quite a douche.

HeddaGarbled · 26/07/2023 23:39

You should leave the whole lot to each other and then children inherit when you both die, if there’s any left after care costs. You don’t want to be in a position where you can’t afford a comfortable old age because the kids got half your assets. You can make smaller legacies but not half of everything you have. That is foolish and dangerous.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/07/2023 23:39

Do you think that your daughter had good reason not to contact your husband?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 26/07/2023 23:41

HeddaGarbled · 26/07/2023 23:39

You should leave the whole lot to each other and then children inherit when you both die, if there’s any left after care costs. You don’t want to be in a position where you can’t afford a comfortable old age because the kids got half your assets. You can make smaller legacies but not half of everything you have. That is foolish and dangerous.

But if she dies he gets it all and then when he dies the daughter gets nothing

CakeyBakeyHeart · 26/07/2023 23:43

I guess he should have gone for the strategy of writing all his daughters a letter asking if they would like to be left anything in the will… then she’d have to decide whether her morals are easily sold out!

I can see both sides here, but ultimately you would hope his love for his wife would trump his disdain for his daughter and make him go with what keeps his wife happy.

I could perhaps understand his one finger up from the grave more if the daughter in question has not just refused to maintain relations with him but actively tried to turn the rest of the family against him rather than respecting their differing stances.

sandyhappypeople · 26/07/2023 23:53

Do all your children get on? If they do and they think their dad is being unreasonable to spite DD, they may be happy to pool their 50% share and redistribute it 4 ways? It's their money to do with what they please once it's all complete so it doesn't matter what the will says in that regard, she wouldn't be able to rely on that though. People do get funny about inheritance sometimes.

I wouldn't worry about it too much, as it's a very much what if sort of situation, just make sure any sentimental items you want you daughter/children to have let them have them while you're still here, it saves so much heartache down the line. If you DH is going to be a dick about the money, he'll certainly be a dick about everything else.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 26/07/2023 23:53

sheworemellowyellow · 26/07/2023 21:57

Your DH doesn’t understand that wills are about so much more than money, or understands and is choosing to inflict pain through the will. I’d struggle to understand too. In my book, children are allowed to walk away from parents, but parents can’t walk away from their children. Deliberately leaving one child out is a pointed statement of “you’re not part of my family or legacy”. It could damage a person for life.

This. He could leave very lasting damage on his daughter and make her grieving for him much harder

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/07/2023 23:54

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:50

The will adviser said this clause would be put in so neither of us need to worry about being forced out of our home

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Basically a "Life Estate" for the surviving spouse.

HeddaGarbled · 26/07/2023 23:59

But if she dies he gets it all and then when he dies the daughter gets nothing

Being old costs money. Obviously care is the biggie, but house adaptations and gadgets for disabilities, adequate heating (old people feel the cold), incontinence products cost a fortune, ready meals, a cleaner, gardener etc.

Or being able to move to a home or location more suitable, or just enjoy life, joining clubs, lunches out, holidays.

You’d be a fool to give away half of everything you have to young people who are physically able to earn their own money.

Different when you’re gone but you might need it all before then.

WomblingTree86 · 27/07/2023 00:07

Does your DD get on with their siblings? If so, I think he's making a big mistake as it could easily damage their relationship after he dies. It seems quite spiteful particularly as it could upset the ones he does get on with as much as the one he is estranged from.

3luckystars · 27/07/2023 00:21

I think you were right to split up with him.

Things like this cause devastation in families, and not just for this generation but the next too.

CakeyBakeyHeart · 27/07/2023 00:23

Did she stand by you and you’ve abandoned her for an easier life when you went back to him and she made it clear she didn’t support that decision? I really hope not.

Going back to a partner after a breaking of trust is never something that equates to abandoning your daughter, no matter how much she supported you. Your romantic life, your choice.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 27/07/2023 00:29

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:50

The will adviser said this clause would be put in so neither of us need to worry about being forced out of our home

Show quote history

Yes, our solicitor checked our deeds for this when we made our wills. I think it’s called ‘Tenants in common ‘( nothing to do with renting)

BadNomad · 27/07/2023 00:30

The OP's reluctance to expand on the reason for the NC and the fact it involved the wider family, likely means the issue was a lot more serious than an affair. Serious enough to divide the family and to go no contact over.

Or it was the OP who did wrong and it is the husband who went NC with the daughter for supporting her mother. But my money is on the former.