DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

For you, but you can’t assume everyone else is the same 🤷‍♀️

Two years isn't a long time if you are truly upset about something maybe this person needs a bit more time. Does this person have your grandchildren?? If not then it's just this one child you are leaving out. However if you leave them out and by the time you and your partner pass heaven forbid it's the grandkids also that get hurt. Maybe just give them a little bit more time to come to terms with What's happened and realize it's out of their control and calm down about it. Are all the children still in contact with eachother. When my brother stopped talking to my mum and saw things that I was getting for my birthday Xmas Easter etc realised that he was only biting his own nose off to spite his face. If you truly love them all equally. I'm not suggesting that you should but if you do then let your other kids talk them round it could cost more to keep adjusting the will than let wounded people heal everyone heals in their head at there own pace. If you think it's just down right spiteful and hate fueled by all means change it to suit your needs. Try to give it a bit more time is all I want to say.

100% agree. You've worked for what you have in older age, it should be for you to enjoy, not for the expectation that the kids get a nice inheritance. Anyway, the way things are today with the economy, there probably won't be many people with anything left by the time they snuff it!

@Muckysmucky

I'm definitely not troubled, but I am angry at my mother (enabled a rapist).
My child made their own choice to have very limited contact, and made it clear they want nothing from me 'now or ever'.
So, why should the child that has always been in daily contact and is actually around, helping me, have to receive less of my estate when their sibling has NC with them and literally sends me 2 text messages a year?
As for 'dragging' my GP into it, he wasn't 'forced' to do anything, I explained what I was doing and why, and he witnessed my will without a problem.
Asking your GP to witness your will is actually a very sensible thing to do, because if you are not (in their opinion) of 'sound mind', they will refuse to do it, but in doing so, can actually prevent anyone coming along once you're dead, and trying to contest the will by saying they don't believe you were at the time of signing the will. Any judge will know that a GP would know better than to witness a will if you're not.

Whether intended or not he is likely to drive a wedge between the children as well. I speak from experience. My mother did that after being called out for doing the "your not my favorite etc. Ill buy your brother a house" but wont help you, anger, revenge, drive family members into fights, arguments. The end result after the disputes she decided I'll get even with you. change her will. Even telling my uncle, I was always asking her for money, WHAT. The damage is done, always think deeply about your rights to direct your inheritance, but your revenge against one may cause widespread disputes among the entire family even distant relatives, is it worth it. I don't think so. Made me a determined achiever, was used by me as a stimulus for success. My success. I think DH hasnt though it right through. My children will get a significant inheritance no matter what I wouldnt do what your DH is doing he has the right to, BUT NO.

Things may change , the other DDs may decide to share their inheritance with her.

I agree with this. Daughter has made her choice and so she can’t expect anything in the will.

Growing up I was the inconvenient child, my parents and sister were awful to me. In my late 30's I made the decision to cut them off. I have no hope of receiving any inheritance from my parents and by their very actions, not even trying to make contact with me, just cements I made the right decision. I was always told you get back what you give out, I think they are sad lonely people sitting in their house with I'll health. They made their choice.

Formal advice from their Royal College and indemnity providers is that GPs have nothing at all to do with wills including capacity assessments or witnessing them.

When did I say it was the law?

That’s disgusting! 4 biological children then just divide it equally. If daughter is estranged then maybe as a mother or father make more effort to have a relationship with your child. Unless something dramatic has happened then just sort lines of communication. Just sad

But the OP isn’t planning to leave all her money to her husband. She’s planning to split her share of their joint assets between him and her children. It’s literally in the opening post.

I haven’t changed my argument at all. Saying she wouldn’t want it and shouldn’t want it aren’t mutually exclusive.

You know one dc going nc you could maybe blame them. Two or more dc I think the parent probably needs to honestly reflect on their behaviour. Problem is they often don’t see it. My mother was a total narcissist so convinced she was right about everything but fell out with every relative, neighbour, friend and boss she ever had.

I really don’t think any child left out of a will will ever think “oh I treated that parent shitily “. I was glad I wasn’t left any money. I actually think that being left money might have had more chance of making me feel bad 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does your mother accept her wrong doings and take responsibility for them?

Of the many parents whose children have gone NC with them on here, not a single one is taking responsibility for any of it. They’re placing their children in the position of aggressor and them in the position of victim.
Every single one.

I don’t understand your logic. Your disability is not relevant to whether you have behaved badly enough to merit your child feeling that they need to protect themselves from you by going NC. Which is what the vast majority of NC adult children are doing.

Yeah I always side with NC children. Im sorry but ALOT has to happen for a child to go NC with its parents. Its incredibly traumatic no one does that lightly.. no one does it unless that parent has caused them great suffering. All the parents with kids whove gone no contact with them on here taking no responsibility for it and calling it 'bad behaviour' only confirm that view to me.
And this husbands petty behaviour only confirms that view to me. The love you have for a child should not be conditional. As a parent you take on life long responsibility and part of that entails you, as the parent, making the effort. You, as the parent, showing love and leading by example. Not getting your knickers in a bunch because they dared to disagree with how you acted, or they dared to hold a personal boundary with you.

Call me cynical if you like (or ablist!!) but I'm sure that an elderly parent who needs a lot of help and whose money has already been completely used up is more likely to find themselves not seeing much of their adult children than is a wealthy elderly parent who lavishes money on their adult children and has lots of money to leave in their will.

Again, you are not the elected representative of all adult DCs who have gone no contact, and nor do you know the circumstances of all other adult DCs and their parents. Why not focus on your own family's circumstances, rather than preaching to us about ALL those who have gone no contact. It's hugely unconvincing, and just makes it sound as though you're trying to justify what you did to your own parents, by seeking to make yourself part of a victimised and blameless group.

My mother told people I was NC with her because I was selfish and just couldn’t be bothered with her. She was perfectly healthy and independent.

this wasn’t true and she must have known it wasn’t true. My brother spelt out quite clearly to her that firstly we weren’t really NC with her but she needed to agree to a discussion before we could move forward. She couldn’t keep being vile and then pretending nothing had happened. My brother had spelt out that the emotional abuse and lies to my 11yo Dd couldn’t continue.

but i actually think my mother believed her own lies in the end. She certainly tried to gaslight me in her last letter from beyond the grave where she berated me for going NC with her because I was too selfish to be bothered with “an elderly lady”. Did she believe this herself or was she just trying to convince me I don’t know.

I do get that a parent may think that if a child is NC then they don’t “deserve “ any money. The OPs Dd may not actually be expecting anything. But the Dd may also take it is a final confirmation that their father didn’t care for them. 🤷‍♀️.

I was actually more “upset” with one of the beneficiaries. This was a wealthy couple who I’ve known all my life, our families were close when I was a child, I called them auntie x and uncle y, they came to my wedding. They inherited 60k. They had seen my mother a handful of times in the last 15-20 years of her life. Now if I was them I’d have contacted me and my brother and said you know what, I think you should have this money, this doesn’t seem right. But they didn’t. Maybe they had heard terrible lies about me from my mother who knows. Or maybe money just makes people put their scruples to one side!

Are your adult children NC with you?

@GrinAndVomit No, they're not. But this thread shows an extreme double standard between what certain posters expect of parents and what they expect of themselves. It's understandable to expect your parents to do a lot for you, including paying for everything, when you're a child. But when you grow up, there is no reason why the relationship shouldn't move onto an equal footing of mutual respect and support, with the adult child striking out on their own and wanting to become self-sufficient. I find it astonishing that an adult who very deliberately and finally terminated contact with a parent expected someone their parent left some money to to hand that money over to her/him. That level of entitlement is really beyond my comprehension. I assume the parent had a job, went to it every day and earned their money. Perhaps the poster could do the same, and focus on making their own way in the world rather than thinking that the parent they cut off years ago should pay them money from beyond the grave. Actually, I think that the whole issue of inheritances is toxic. That money belongs to your parents - accept that, and get on with making your own money. If your parents then leave you some money, enjoy it as a present, rather than something you are entitled to. Family rifts over inheritances do no good to anybody. It wasn't your money in the first place, remember?

@Lorrries I am not no contact with my parents. My very much loved father died a while ago. My mother actually lives with us now because she is disabled and needs care.
You are burying your head in the sand. You only need spend a few minutes reading the tales on here of children whove gone NC with their parents to get some insight into how this feels and what a difficult step it is to make. Its not done lightly and is a consequence of abuse usually. I will preach about it because I think some parents are so deeply narcissistic they only think about what their children owe them which is disgusting. Why have a child if you arent prepared to love unconditionally as a parent should. There are some rare circumstances when parents have to cut off their children for genuine reasons. But 9 times out of 10 I stand by it being the parents issue when a child decides to go no contact with them.. nothing ive read on this thread makes me change my view. These children are deeply hurt by what is usually deeply selfish behaviour by the parents that the parents will not acknowledge or take any responsibility for

Who has said they expected inheritance money?

And its not about whether the daughter deserves the money here... its about what this action by the father represents, He hurt her so much that she went NC and now he's doubling down on it trying to express his anger in death. A time she will probably find difficult to deal with emotionally anyway.. he wants to get one final 'fuck you' into the will.
Disgusting.