Page 14 | DH excluding DD in will

Willmatters · 2023-07-26T20:23:27+00:00

NC for this thread Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

Original poster

Willmatters · 28/07/2023 21:59

'Tipping point' yes it feels like that @noapologies

OP posts:

Bananarepublic · 28/07/2023 22:00

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/07/2023 12:59

For those saying she can’t expect to go NC and then be surprised not to inherit - spectacularly missing the point that it’s pretty clear they are NC for something awful that the OP’s husband did.

It doesn’t change the basic point though. Surely if the daughter doesn’t want a relationship with her father, for whatever reason, she won’t want his money either?

Life isn't that simple. For one thing, it's not just his money, it's family money. The OP is also entitled to half of it. There may have been inheritances from GPs too. It would stick in the craw to be totally disinherited on top of being estranged from the family (if the OP dies first this is a serious possibility). Also, while the daughter may not want to see her father, perhaps because he let the family down badly, she may want him to show that he still loves her by including her in the inheritance. If he doubles down on potential bad behaviour from the past it will be even more painful. Feelings are much more complex than you suggest.

Treesinmygarden · 28/07/2023 22:01

I couldn't forgive my DH leaving out one of our children, particularly with him being a major contributor to the estrangement.

My grandfather for reasons best known to himself had a 'hierarchy' of beneficiaries amongst his 8 children. Fair enough, the one who stayed at home and ran the family farm, got the bulk of it - which he promptly sold off and moved elsewhere. Eldest son cajoled money off him to invest in property during his lifetime. Eldest of two daughters was able to buy a house which she lived in with the other daughter. A range of farms was passed on and my dad got the least valuable.

He never held it against his dad. He was a better person than me.

Honeychickpea · 28/07/2023 22:04

BadNomad · 26/07/2023 22:58

Adjusting your will isn't going to make up for your daughter losing both her parents when you went back to your husband. Nor will it make up for you staying with him even after knowing he is cutting her out. If anything, changing your will to leave less to your other children will cause resentment.

Personally, I'd just leave it all to the children equally.

It was the daughter's choice to "lose both her parents". Choices have consequences.

noapologies · 28/07/2023 22:09

@Willmatters Have you explained to your husband how his cutting out your daughter makes you feel? He might be approaching this from the POV that it's just between him and her, but as her mother, this obviously has an emotional impact on you and makes you see him differently.

Honestly, if the reason for the fallout is because of something he did, it would be it for me.

All the suggestions that other people have made about your changing your will to recognise your DD more than your other children are missing the point. Getting her the money is not going to change the fact that her dad hated her enough not to want to give her a penny.

I think when your children are all grown up, you can be more selfish about who you choose to be in a relationship with - but I get the impression that your husband has not treated you well, and your DD is being mistreated for standing up for you. In that situation, grown-up or not... I think I'd pick the child.

You don't have to post the details, but if you want any more input, I do think it would be helpful to clarify whether you feel your DH is to blame for this estrangement or if your DD is. (Not even who is to blame factually, but who you think is to blame.)

Honeychickpea · 28/07/2023 22:14

She'll do fine without the money but she will have been told by her dad that he didn't love her.
Going no contact with her dad was the daughter telling her dad that she didn't love him.

Arabels · 28/07/2023 22:35

Honeychickpea · 28/07/2023 22:14

She'll do fine without the money but she will have been told by her dad that he didn't love her.
Going no contact with her dad was the daughter telling her dad that she didn't love him.

I disagree. Going NC doesn’t mean ‘I don’t love you’, it means ‘I’m not going to let you hurt me any more’. He must have really, really hurt her.

GoingGoingUp · 28/07/2023 22:46

Honeychickpea · 28/07/2023 22:14

She'll do fine without the money but she will have been told by her dad that he didn't love her.
Going no contact with her dad was the daughter telling her dad that she didn't love him.

You can still love someone, but find their behaviour / actions too toxic to accept.

DVL · 28/07/2023 22:50

As a late 20’s girl that has very minimal contact with my Dad I would not be bothered in the slightest if he excludes me from his will, it’s very much my choice to have little contact so wouldn’t expect anything.

As a mother to two young children I could never imagine a time when i would not include both of them in my will (unless possibly addiction problems where it would do more harm than good!)

Can see both sides tbh

MargaretBall · 28/07/2023 22:54

OP you have alluded to your DH having being at fault and, while you did, your child could not forgive . Seems to me (and many other posters) it’s very clear cut. Personally I could possibly forgive many things in a relationship but treating my children differently n this way would be a red line. It is both visceral and unwavering .You need to very clearly tell your DH that it his plans are unacceptable, that actually your “forgiveness” is conditional on your children being treated equally. Wills are not about money , they are about being valued, seen and being treated fairly. Quite frankly your DH sounds like an arse, you may have forgiven him for whatever terrible transgressions that you have left us to imagine but that does not give him a license to assume that he has any sort of moral authority over others . Use your power here as the forgiver, the assets you have are joint and it is not within his remit to decide who should benefit based on a dubious decision making process.

ThreeLocusts · 28/07/2023 22:57

My father disinherited me without warning, on behest of his 2nd wife. It did me a lot of harm; I felt obliterated. But at least my sister was in the same boat.

To single out one child like this is a very, very strong statement and likely to affect DD1 deeply. I don't your DH nows what he's doing.

ThreeLocusts · 28/07/2023 22:58

*doubt not don't

exaltedwombat · 28/07/2023 23:05

Are you trying to force a split up of your joint assets when one of you dies?

Buffs · 29/07/2023 00:07

I agree with you.

Foxyaus · 29/07/2023 01:00

Mari9999 · 27/07/2023 01:41

@Willmatters
It is quite possible that your daughter will not be at all surprised or upset by your my husband's will. I suspect that while she probably loves her father that she has taken the full measure of the man and found him lacking.

Not everyone expects, needs , or wants to inherit anything from their parents. I think that your daughter might feel that she would have preferred that her father have shown respect for his family while he was living rather than giving her a bit of money when he is gone.

OP encourage your daughter to reconcile with her father. Do this not for him but for her. You don't want her nurturing anger that will likely turn into regret when he is gone.

Encourage your daughter to reconcile?
Absolutely the worst advice.
Look up gaslighting and victim blaming.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:18

Nanalisa60 · 28/07/2023 19:30

In Scotland, there's been a long-held legal principle that you can't disinherit your children. What this means in very simple terms is that whether or not you've made a Will, your children have Legal Rights to your estate.

One of the many reasons why the Scottish legal system is a disaster.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:24

WingingIt101 · 28/07/2023 20:27

I have witnessed my own father be treated the way your dd is being treated.

His mother ranked her children and demonstrated it in her will - child a gets 30%, child b gets 30% child c gets 25% and child d gets 15%

Df didn't need or want the money but the pain at being child c and witnessing the impact on child d means her grandchildren now have one feeling about her and it isn't pleasant.

It's his to do what he wants with, but a final irreversible fuck you will leave his memory tarnished with all of the dc and anyone else who finds out

Did your husband cut his mother out of his life?

Mari9999 · 29/07/2023 01:24

@Foxyaus
The daughter should reconcile not because she has done anything wrong. She should do it so that she is not burdened with guilt should her father die without her having spoken to him. The reconciliation is not for him , but for her.

She knows what he has done, and by speaking to him she is not forgiving nor validating his actions. There relationship may never be the same, but the OP should want her daughter to come out as a healthy young woman on the other side of this event.

ensayers · 29/07/2023 01:24

Is daughter wanting to connect with her dad, or is she the one refusing to repair the rift? Or both of them?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:26

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 28/07/2023 20:43

I was in your DD’s position and agree we don’t go NC for no reason. My mum cut me out her will and left hundreds of thousands of £ to her next door neighbour and to some old school friends who she hadn’t seen for 30 years.

confirmed my opinion of her.

So basically you cut your mother out of your life, but still wanted her money?

Brightandshining · 29/07/2023 01:33

I would be beyond livid if my DH did this to one of our kids regardless of 'falling out with them' wtf... that is his Child.. particularly if he had a large part to play himself in the falling out. How immature and nasty.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:36

SusieWicks · 28/07/2023 21:18

Gracious this is complex. I think it’s reasonable in response to this exclusionary and unloving conclusion he’s drawn to tell him politely that you intend to give your whole assets to be split between your 4 children and not him. And get a little space while he processes. Sorry I know I’m saying further separation and that’s painful but you’re her mum and he should respect your wishes to include her in his will - because whatever happened she is family.

Break his heart so it grows. Psychotherapy and healing is available to men when they can be so humble as to drop their narcissistic limitations and become actually decent human beings. Also boundaries are not rejections, on the contrary they are signposts to healthier relationships. Love and healing to you all and whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck ❤️

😆😆😆

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:44

GoingGoingUp · 28/07/2023 22:46

You can still love someone, but find their behaviour / actions too toxic to accept.

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That’s fine - but if that’s the case, you shouldn’t feel able to accept their money.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:50

Bananarepublic · 28/07/2023 22:00

Life isn't that simple. For one thing, it's not just his money, it's family money. The OP is also entitled to half of it. There may have been inheritances from GPs too. It would stick in the craw to be totally disinherited on top of being estranged from the family (if the OP dies first this is a serious possibility). Also, while the daughter may not want to see her father, perhaps because he let the family down badly, she may want him to show that he still loves her by including her in the inheritance. If he doubles down on potential bad behaviour from the past it will be even more painful. Feelings are much more complex than you suggest.

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OP has made it clear that she is not disinheriting her daughter. She’ll get her share of “family money” from the OP.

Also, while the daughter may not want to see her father, perhaps because he let the family down badly, she may want him to show that he still loves her by including her in the inheritance.

Ha! “I want, I want, I want” is the phrase that springs to mind. I’m sure we’d all like a big chunk of cash from people we don’t have a relationship with, but life isn’t like that. You can’t simply say “This is the way I want it regardless of your feelings”.

Bananarepublic · 29/07/2023 05:14

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:50

OP has made it clear that she is not disinheriting her daughter. She’ll get her share of “family money” from the OP.

Also, while the daughter may not want to see her father, perhaps because he let the family down badly, she may want him to show that he still loves her by including her in the inheritance.

Ha! “I want, I want, I want” is the phrase that springs to mind. I’m sure we’d all like a big chunk of cash from people we don’t have a relationship with, but life isn’t like that. You can’t simply say “This is the way I want it regardless of your feelings”.

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As has been explained several times in this thread, if the OP dies first and she leaves her husband all the family money, he can change his will to disinherit the DD and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

You said she wouldn't want the money and I replied to that. Now you're changing your argument to say she shouldn't want it. Of course you can say you want something regardless of someone else's feelings, people do it all of the time. The point is whether the OP colludes with the DH. If he did something wrong, as is reasonable to infer from the OP, and the DD supported her mother, for the mother to then not back her up over the inheritance would be awful.