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Original poster

DH excluding DD in will

448 replies

Willmatters · 26/07/2023 21:23

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

OP posts:
Bananarepublic · 29/07/2023 05:16

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:44

That’s fine - but if that’s the case, you shouldn’t feel able to accept their money.

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That's just your opinion, it's not the law. And it's an opinion I disagree with. It might be some small compensation for how she's been treated. I'm sure she would've preferred a parent who hadn't let her down in the first place.

MoltenLasagne · 29/07/2023 05:35

For me, one of the hardest parts of cheating is the revelation that the cheater is not who you thought they were. It's the overnight change of viewing someone from a person who'd never hurt you, to a person who'd put themselves first and damn the consequences.

It sounds as though you've already gone through this, and your eldest has not been able to get over it. Now you're seeing that as well as the above, your husband is also someone who values his own anger and pride over the lasting message he gives to his daughter. I personally would really struggle with accepting that.

3luckystars · 29/07/2023 05:40

I think (and I could be wrong) that you could forgive him for hurting you, but not your daughter.

This is nasty and you just can’t look the other way this time.

Im very sorry, you have a lot of thinking to do but I just want to say that you won’t regret following your gut instincts on this.

Gingernan · 29/07/2023 05:53

From what I am understanding I would agree with you. It seems she has done nothing wrong , he should put those personal feelings aside, she's his daughter.

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 29/07/2023 06:25

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/07/2023 01:26

So basically you cut your mother out of your life, but still wanted her money?

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no, I didn’t want the money. If by some chance she’d left it to me I’d have given it to her grandkids. I wasn’t expecting the money at all, I knew she’d never leave me anything. But she did have young grandkids who she reckoned she loved 🤷‍♀️.

And as for cutting her off, technically she cut me off. She was the one who flounced out my house because she thought I had purposefully hidden a rug receipt from her………I hadn’t, I had no idea it had previously (years ago) been left in my house with some other paperwork. she just never contacted me again after accusing me of spending years hiding this receipt from her. However she told all her friends I’d cut her off and I admit when she normalised sulked like this over something crazy I’d be the one to break the silence. She’d never apologise but just act like nothing had happened. So this time I waited for her to make the first move and she didn’t. My brother did tell her in an email that if she wanted to get in touch for a discussion we were open to that and she didn’t.

so no, it wasn’t really not leaving me the money which confirmed my opinion of her. But a combination of cutting grandkids out and the three page letter from her delivered from her solicitor after her death telling me how much she hated me and she hopes my life is really unhappy!

Retiredfromearlyyears · 29/07/2023 06:56

In Scotland children can indeed claim 10% of any movable estate regardless of what the wills say. I don't know about anywhere else though.

Jaspertime · 29/07/2023 07:38

This is very sad. I am in similar situation. Divorced from a nasty horrible man who was very cruel and narcissistic. Unfortunately eldest children (30) exactly like him. If I do no not jump through hoops and do as expected they cut me off. The younger one is greatly influenced and fearful of the older one and wants to remain in favour and joined forces . The agony of this cannot be expressed. After 5 years when I have reached out but been rejected . I was forced to make my Will and exclude them. In fact I made 2 appointments and cancelled with solicitor as I could not face it and hoped something would change. The longer it goes on the more they get used to it and do not need/want me. So I’m in process of my Will be made and it excludes both of them, leaving estate between friends who have helped and supported me ( kept me alive at times) . This post may hold a lot of hurt behind it that no one will know why this man has reached his decision. I can assure you he has been crushed and not given up that easily. I would change my Will in a heartbeat if the situation changed. But I cannot reward their awful behaviour of collecting money on my death with no regard for the way they have been.

CrystalAmethyst93 · 29/07/2023 07:45

Your a good mum and you don’t like the thought of one of your babies (adult or not let’s face it our children are still our babies in our eyes) being treated differently. However if one of my children had NO contact with me and didn’t bother I wouldn’t leave them hardly anything either as to me if they don’t want to bother with me alive then they won’t then decide to bother with my assets when I’m no longer here. It is really hard I know but I do see where he is coming from. Unless it’s a scenario where she does bother but he expects her to be in contact 24-7 then that would be unreasonable for him to cut her out :)

CantFindMyMarbles · 29/07/2023 08:13

DD can contest it in court if she was really aggrieved - but, ultimately his will and his choice .

GrinAndVomit · 29/07/2023 08:24

Jaspertime · 29/07/2023 07:38

This is very sad. I am in similar situation. Divorced from a nasty horrible man who was very cruel and narcissistic. Unfortunately eldest children (30) exactly like him. If I do no not jump through hoops and do as expected they cut me off. The younger one is greatly influenced and fearful of the older one and wants to remain in favour and joined forces . The agony of this cannot be expressed. After 5 years when I have reached out but been rejected . I was forced to make my Will and exclude them. In fact I made 2 appointments and cancelled with solicitor as I could not face it and hoped something would change. The longer it goes on the more they get used to it and do not need/want me. So I’m in process of my Will be made and it excludes both of them, leaving estate between friends who have helped and supported me ( kept me alive at times) . This post may hold a lot of hurt behind it that no one will know why this man has reached his decision. I can assure you he has been crushed and not given up that easily. I would change my Will in a heartbeat if the situation changed. But I cannot reward their awful behaviour of collecting money on my death with no regard for the way they have been.

All this will succeed in doing is making their treatment of you feel unequivocally justified. It will be the concrete, final opinion and memory they have of you.

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2023 08:45

Your DD has chosen to ostracise both you and your DH. That is her choice. It probably hurts like hell for both of you. She clearly hasn’t come to terms with whatever it was that happened, but has made a choice to walk away from her family.
Your DH is likely heartbroken about her actions, especially as he may have been the instigator. I can understand his actions around his will, but in reality he will most likely change his mind at some point. I agree with others that if you change the terms of your will to give her a greater % than your other children then you’re favouring her over them.
Wills are personal, private documents. You do realise that your DH could go along with what you’ve asked for, and change his will to give equal shares to all his children, then later on could change it without you knowing? Are you willing to end your marriage over this as others have suggested? Because if you did, I can guarantee neither of you would end up with enough money to leave to any of your children!
At the end of the day, when your DH dies whoever the beneficiaries of his will are can easily change the terms of the will to include your estranged daughter.

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2023 08:47

GrinAndVomit · 29/07/2023 08:24

All this will succeed in doing is making their treatment of you feel unequivocally justified. It will be the concrete, final opinion and memory they have of you.

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Yes, maybe it will stop them in their tracks and think how shitty they were to their mother!

GrinAndVomit · 29/07/2023 09:20

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2023 08:47

Yes, maybe it will stop them in their tracks and think how shitty they were to their mother!

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It’s incredibly difficult and painful to go NC with your parent/s.
We don’t take it lightly.

Lorrries · 29/07/2023 09:21

I'm not sure how it's happened, because it didn't exist when I was a child, but in this country there's a kind of dynamic now where children are everything and parents are mainly just there to service them. When they're young, family life is now expected to revolve around them. Evenings and weekends are about their "activities". Holidays the same. Great sacrifices are made to send them to private school, to buy them nice clothes, etc etc. They're often given a lot of financial assistance to go to university. They often stay on at home after that so that they don't have to pay rent. If, as adults, they have a problem they may well expect their parents to bail them out. Parents are expected to look after and help financially with grandchildren. And regardless of how badly an adult child may have behaved towards their parents, regardless of how rich that adult child may be, it is apparently absolutely essential that the "child" inherits the money that their parents have worked for. I think this completely one-sided view of the family is unhealthy. It encourages adults not to be truly independent, not to develop self-reliance and resilience, not to develop the idea of families helping those who need help, regardless of what generation they're from. It encourages bad treatment of the elderly. It's a form of entitlement which for some lasts for most of their lives.
I appreciate that this is a generalisation, but I think it's a fair one.

Lorrries · 29/07/2023 09:23

GrinAndVomit · 29/07/2023 09:20

It’s incredibly difficult and painful to go NC with your parent/s.
We don’t take it lightly.

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Do you speak for all adult children who go no contact? I wonder how difficult going no contact with an elderly, disabled parent who needs lots of help and support is?

DisquietintheRanks · 29/07/2023 10:05

@GrinAndVomit is it bollocks. My brother dropped my father like a hot potato once he developed dementia and couldn't give him any more money. Came sniffing around for money at the funeral then pissed of again when their wasn't any.

Harmonypus · 29/07/2023 10:19

I agree with @Spanky123
In fact, I've done something similar by stating that one dc is intentionally being cut out.
I'm reliably informed that without something that specifically states that you've done this intentionally, the disinherited party can contest the will, but with the statement, it won't stop them trying but apparently, they'll have a much harder time convincing the powers that be, that they should get a share.
I also made a point of getting my GP to be my witness (also makes it harder for any questioning of my mental state at the time of writing the will).

AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/07/2023 10:21

Lorrries · 29/07/2023 09:23

Do you speak for all adult children who go no contact? I wonder how difficult going no contact with an elderly, disabled parent who needs lots of help and support is?

Show quote history

Ah yes…. The story if the child who is giving up their whole life for a disabled parent who is always a nightmare to live with..,
Happens even when there is no issue with said parent or when it’s about a partner too!!

Its those pesky disabled people. So hard to live with that is a relief to finally get rid if them - by going NC for example

Ableist much?

DisquietintheRanks · 29/07/2023 10:32

@AsterixAndPersimmon what a stupid post.

Harmonypus · 29/07/2023 10:43

@GrinAndVomit @Lorrries
@DisquietintheRanks

I went NC with my mother (for numerous serious reasons) several years ago, and it will stay that way regardless of her state of health (which was fine when I made that decision, and still is a far as I'm aware).
My child who's been cut out of my will (minimal contact, birthdays and xmas, their choice), walked away (over something to do with their father), knowing I am disabled and my health is deteriorating, but said they want nothing from me, although, they could change their mind when the time comes and there's a chance they could get their hands on half of my estate, which is why I've included the exclusion statement in my will, pointing out that they've been excluded because they themselves have stated they don't want anything.
So yes, some people might come crawling back if they think there's something to be gained, but others of us will stick by our principles and stay away, and in some cases, will even say 'good riddance' when we hear the news that someone has gone (like I did with my mother's husband). So we can't/shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush

3luckystars · 29/07/2023 10:44

hurt people hurt people

Muckysmucky · 29/07/2023 10:48

Harmonypus · 29/07/2023 10:43

@GrinAndVomit @Lorrries
@DisquietintheRanks

I went NC with my mother (for numerous serious reasons) several years ago, and it will stay that way regardless of her state of health (which was fine when I made that decision, and still is a far as I'm aware).
My child who's been cut out of my will (minimal contact, birthdays and xmas, their choice), walked away (over something to do with their father), knowing I am disabled and my health is deteriorating, but said they want nothing from me, although, they could change their mind when the time comes and there's a chance they could get their hands on half of my estate, which is why I've included the exclusion statement in my will, pointing out that they've been excluded because they themselves have stated they don't want anything.
So yes, some people might come crawling back if they think there's something to be gained, but others of us will stick by our principles and stay away, and in some cases, will even say 'good riddance' when we hear the news that someone has gone (like I did with my mother's husband). So we can't/shouldn't all be tarred with the same brush

You sound very troubled and angry. I’m sad that you have done that to your own child and yet justify it as some sort of principled stance. What a horrible mess.

Muckysmucky · 29/07/2023 10:50

Harmonypus · 29/07/2023 10:19

I agree with @Spanky123
In fact, I've done something similar by stating that one dc is intentionally being cut out.
I'm reliably informed that without something that specifically states that you've done this intentionally, the disinherited party can contest the will, but with the statement, it won't stop them trying but apparently, they'll have a much harder time convincing the powers that be, that they should get a share.
I also made a point of getting my GP to be my witness (also makes it harder for any questioning of my mental state at the time of writing the will).

And dragging your poor GP into your anger and venom. They should have told you where to go!

to go the extra step of making a statement of exclusion is so clearly a feature of wanting to cause maximum pain. Why on earth anyone would want to be so cruel to their own child. This thread is so sad.

AnnieSnap · 29/07/2023 10:56

@Jaspertime sorry to read you are going through this. The pain is tremendous I know. It does eventually begin to ease. As I said earlier, it’s been 15-years since one of my adult children cut me off following me leaving their father. It (mostly) doesn’t hurt anymore. You will get there too 💐

Sleepytiredyawn · 29/07/2023 10:58

If I hadn’t spoken to my parent/parents for a long time, I wouldn’t want anything from them. Maybe explain this to your children, she might not want anything either. You can leave what you want to whoever you want but maybe check that they’re happy to receive it too.