DH excluding DD in will

[Willmatters]

NC for this thread

Married for 30 years with 4 DC in their twenties

Due to a family rift oldest DD has little contact with me and none with DH

Currently making our wills and I have stated that I wish my half of our joint assets to be split 50% to DH and the other 50% to be split equally between the 4 DC

DH has stated his half will be split 50% to me and the other 50% split 3 ways between the youngest DC i.e excluding oldest DD

I understand that he can do what he likes but I strongly disagree and I'm struggling to put my feelings aside

I don't understand why posters are asking if your DH wants his will to be his last F* You to his daughter. He obviously does want this. Petty and hurtful though it is.

Of course you are struggling with this OP. And no doubt you've been at the receiving end of this part of his personality many many times.

There is no point in posters lambasting your DH. He's a prick That is obvious. You won't be able to change his mind because in his mind he's the injured party. The only helpful thing is if posters can advise you on the best way to make up the shortfall to your eldest daughter by leaving her extra yourself. Do not depend on the siblings doing this. Money turns people into very different and unpleasant creatures.

You have a DH problem. Your daughter is right about him.

I have witnessed my own father be treated the way your dd is being treated.

His mother ranked her children and demonstrated it in her will - child a gets 30%, child b gets 30% child c gets 25% and child d gets 15%

Df didn't need or want the money but the pain at being child c and witnessing the impact on child d means her grandchildren now have one feeling about her and it isn't pleasant.

It's his to do what he wants with, but a final irreversible fuck you will leave his memory tarnished with all of the dc and anyone else who finds out

Talk to your children and put them in the picture
if they are honourable people they will share the money with your disinherited dd
i hope they are decent people but money does awful things to people and makes them less than fair. I know. My sister behaved really badly with the money left to
her by our Dad who was unstable and didn’t have a happy marriage or a friend in the world.

I’m not a legal expert. However both of my divorced parents died recently. So I have some knowledge from experience.
as I understand it if his biological daughter felt it unfair due to being left out she could contest the will. Regardless of whether she was successful or not just the legal battle would be so stressful and had the potential to drive the family apart and cause I told bad feeling and havoc. All she would need to do would let the executors know she did not agree with the will and intended to contest it and this would prevent the estate from being divided / disbursed for a long amount of time (possibly 1 year but could be longer). if the dispute did go to court they would consider whether she was provided for and what needs she has to be provided for. Eg if rich sibling who owns property outright gets £30k and poor sibling who can’t afford rent and is in arrears and a single parent who can only work part time but got zero from the will this would be considered by the court when deciding the matter. Also even just having to defend a will would be very expensive with legal representation. And so stressful. A little different possibly for adopted / foster / step children

my advice is that your DH should carefully consider not just his wishes and how he feels now but also what if the situ changes in future and they repair the relationship, what about those left to deal with the consequences of his decisions, which could tear the family apart.

you need to consider your position and you need to talk to husband.

you need to consider also how the property is owned. Also what if I’ve of you needs long term care. What if one dies and half of property passes to children? Trusts can be set up etc. Also consider inheritance tax. it’s a really complex area and I’d strongly recommend legal advice.

Of course he can do what he wants.
No contact in life though and uses his death to make a sad point - doesn’t say much about him frankly.

I was in your DD’s position and agree we don’t go NC for no reason. My mum cut me out her will and left hundreds of thousands of £ to her next door neighbour and to some old school friends who she hadn’t seen for 30 years.

confirmed my opinion of her.

Exactly this. Haven't read the rest of thread but stuff normally described as "jointly owned" would pass to spouse and not form part of your estate. If you're not getting legal advice, do

Exactly this

I wonder if your eldest actually expects to be included in his will?

I don't think dh is being unreasonable

Sorry, I couldn't read all 13 pages of messages and hope you got the advice you needed.

My own perspective is that I have four children, and I have a very different relationship with each of them. I have considered whether a couple of them should receive anything in my will, or at least as much as the others, given their treatment of and language used towards me and my partner.

But they are all my kids.

At the end of the day, I want to leave this world knowing I did what I could for all of them, including the s, and if they decide not to come to my funeral or to spend the lot on a massive party celebrating the fact that I am dead, that is their choice and nobody can put the blame on me.

I think the situation is different if said child is say a drug addict and giving them access to cash could be harmful but there are ways to deal with that (sorry if this has already been discussed, as I say I have not read the full thread). But otherwise, you're a long time dead, and this is one decision you cannot come back from when tempers calm down.

Has your DH also considered the potentially massive impact that this could have on DD1 that she may never recover from, given she will never be able to discuss it with him. To be told publicly how little you are loved would be traumatizing for most people, and would directly set her against her siblings that are clearly favoured, which could also destroy any relationship they could have in the future (endless resentment that their curtains/car/kid's school fees were paid for by money that should have been hers......).

It's up to him what he does with his money obviously, but unless there are major reasons underlying his decision I think this is a much bigger decision in terms of its potential consequences than perhaps he thinks.

I admit that's the first thing I notice and am struggling to get my head round why:

• you're not leaving your property totally to him if you die first
• he's not leaving all his property totally to you if he dies first.

.....and yep...it could get very awkward for monies you're both leaving to skip straight through to the children when a parent is still alive! - eg your children taking advantage of having been left some of his share and kicking you out of your own house to get at the money.

This exactly is where I am at @Givemethereins . currently reconsidering the whole reconciliation

I'm loving the idea that people think you can go NC with someone for what -20, 30 years - and it should make no difference.

@Willmatters maybe you should respect your daughter's position. Over the years she and your husband may mend their relationship in which case the will can be altered but if they don't I really doubt she's going to be there with her hand out when he passes. And if she is, what on earth would that say about her?

Gracious this is complex. I think it’s reasonable in response to this exclusionary and unloving conclusion he’s drawn to tell him politely that you intend to give your whole assets to be split between your 4 children and not him. And get a little space while he processes. Sorry I know I’m saying further separation and that’s painful but you’re her mum and he should respect your wishes to include her in his will - because whatever happened she is family.

Break his heart so it grows. Psychotherapy and healing is available to men when they can be so humble as to drop their narcissistic limitations and become actually decent human beings. Also boundaries are not rejections, on the contrary they are signposts to healthier relationships. Love and healing to you all and whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck ❤️

I don't disagree. It's best to be upfront.

In my situation, being upfront about it has caused different issues. It has caused pain for the children who won't be disinherited.

It's idiotic to say people don't go NC for no reason. People can be cruel. I've lived through years of my siblings cruelty. So has my mum, my dad, my sibling. To be told you're as valued as someone who has chosen to be deliberately unkind is awful.

I don't want to take a step back from my parents, I love them. But it upsets me so much.

I don't even want their stuff. Their home. I've encouraged them to get an equity release and enjoy their money. The thought of my sibling getting a third of what they have worked hard for is sickening.

@Willmatters I won't say anything if you are, but I'm just wondering if you are the retired midwife who posted very recently about her husband's disrespectful behaviour?

No that's not me @BadNomad. Is it worth me reading that thread ? is it relevant to my situation

For most ordinary people, the bulk of what they leave behind will be their house, and perhaps what's left in their pension pot. If neither of those is covered by this rule, it's not a very effective one.

Thanks for answering. It got deleted but the gist of it is her husband did something horrible in the past (not an affair) that they're trying to move on from now, but she is currently struggling with other aspects of his behaviour and his attitude. I don't think she realises that the thing he did in the past and his behaviour now is all a reflection of who he is as a person and his attitude towards others.

Just from the little bits you said about the big family divide and then trying to move on, sounded similar.

I would be astonished if, having decided to go no contact with her father, the daughter in this case expects an inheritance. That would an extreme form of entitlement.

The DC's don't expect an inheritance. It's me who excepts it for them . They know nothing about this at the moment. DD probably hasn't given it any thought whatsoever. She likely won't care but I do

I don't think that's the real issue here.

It's more that the OP is in a relationship with a man who hates her child enough to exclude her from beyond the grave. Given she's clearly had to accept some unacceptable behaviour to reconcile in this relationship with her husband... this feels like a possible tipping point.

The OP has forgiven a lot. Can she, and even should she, forgive this too?

Then I would discuss it with your DH. If he maintains his position, arrange a meeting between the 3 Dcs if possible and explain the current situation with them (remember everything might change in the future - you may well survive your DH, or the one of you who survives may re-marry, etc, etc). Discuss what you think would be reasonable. This will depend on everyone's circumstances, but for instance you might decide to leave 1/3 to your DH, and to split the remainder between the DCs, but with the estranged DC having more than the others. See how people respond and alter your plans if appropriate, taking into account their views. But at the end of the day it's your money, and hopefully they'll understand your thought process, whatever your decision.

@Done2much

Easy to workaround though. My DM was estranged from her dad - his choice. Before he died, he ensured he had no moveable assets in his name. Everything was already signed over to a non blood relative many years before he died. My mum had nothing to claim