My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

No I didn't. I've read it all. Still Jeez

Someone calculated upthread that based on net income OP should be paying 31% and her DP 69% of joint bills and other outgoings (including money into savings) if they went for that approach.

Obviously we don't know what their total outgoings are, but I'd be very surprised if this left OP financially better off than she is currently. Food and children's clothing and activities are generally a much smaller proportion of a family's outgoings than 31%.

He pays for pissing everything except food and fun days out and a few clothes!! She should have hundreds spare a month!!

No wonder he's saying no. She says he's splashing out on himself he must think what the piss is she buying all the time. Around £1000 in discretionary cash every month!

I will add that this isn't financial abuse, OP clearly struggles with money management. However his plan is for her to pay 50% of the mortgage, which is too much considering the difference in income.

Did you miss the bit where she earns £25K & him £65K and the bit where he's ordering ordering sunglasses at £200 while she's struggling to pay for her child's gymnastic class!

@QueueEtwo

On £25k a year with no mortgage or bills to pay, OP should be able to afford both expensive sunglasses and her gymnastics classes.

I wouldn't have a bank account with anyone with a history of bad debt. I just wouldn't.

However, my bil had debt when my sister married him and she paid it off so they could get a mortgage. He never got into debt again, although not always cautious about money! He always paid his way fully, probably more than his way, eventually earning more than her. She never regretted paying it off.

Although I don't understand where the op's £1,700pm goes, I do congratulate her on clearing her slate.

Nope. It’s just that there is an angry minority who see abuse in everything and feel the need to bang their drums. ‘Abuse’ is just one of those pets some people like to walk around and leave droppings on threads, similar to ‘right wing’ or ‘socialist’. Classic nutbag phrases.

She hasn't cleared it though because now she has credit card debt

Who is to say he hasn’t sat down with her and helped her budget? All of the big bills come out of his account; that’s hardly by accident. It’s more likely that he wants the important expenses coming out of his account as he know he’ll always pay them.

He is helping her learn how to budget by not being a cash machine to OP. OP has very few things to pay for. She has about £1700 per month hitting her bank account. A lot of people on here have earned much less and had to cover all their bills on that, including rent/mortgage. OP has to pay for, what? A few food shops and her debt repayment? Everything else she listed as having to pay for are luxuries- no child needs clothes every month (and there are plenty of lovely kids clothes available in supermarkets and the like at a steal). Kids activities can be expensive but there’s an abundance of free things to do with kids as well.

He likely isn’t keen on sharing the house, I agree with you there. However, I’d say it’s much more likely that he doesn’t want his credit rating ruined by OPs spending habits. He is a saver and a planner. OP is not.

At the end of the day, yes, he can afford to clear all the debt immediately and not ask for repayment. However, what does OP learn from that? She doesn’t learn how to budget or plan ahead. She doesn’t learn to live within her means.

OP needs to figure it out for herself. If her partner sat her down and helped her budget he’d be accused of being abusive anyway, as he’d be seen to telling her what she can and can’t spend her money on. The man can’t win either way.

@MarshaMelrose
Although I don't understand where the op's £1,700pm goes, I do congratulate her on clearing her slate.
Lifestyle? This is an £90K/pa family here. Someone has to be good at pissing money up the wall. OP is just complaining that she’s not allowed to do it anymore. It’s all very rattle-out-the-prammy as far as I can see. It’ll be safe spaces at dawn next.

She’s struggling to pay for her child’s gymnastic class because she’s spent the money elsewhere. She has close to £1000 to use for the children’s activities, it isn’t his fault if she’s frittered it away.

Her partner has paid all of their bills and mortgage. He’s added money to the family savings. He’s allowed to buy a pair of sunglasses.

So, it begs the question, should he just live off porridge each month and hand over his remaining wage when OP has yet again spent all her money and hasn’t enough left over for her financial responsibilities?

It’s just that there is an angry minority who see abuse in everything and feel the need to bang their drums. ‘Abuse’ is just one of those pets some people like to walk around and leave droppings on threads, similar to ‘right wing’ or ‘socialist’. Classic nutbag phrases.

Funny you should say this @ElliF as it's exactly what I think every time I see you frothing about what percentile of income every op is in.

I know. I already commented on that in an earlier post. 1700pm. 200 debt repayment. 1500 free money. It's difficult to understand where it goes.

But I'm moving on and trying to be supportive. 😌

If somebody runs up debt its not up to partners to pay it off especially when that debt is accrued before they even met. OP has £1.5k a month to buy food, a few extras and pay off debt.No bills. No mortgage, no rent, no utilities. Everything is paid for by the partner.Yet he is the unreasonable one??? Utter madness. He is the one who should be running for the hills. No way should they have a joint mortgage.,

I couldn’t agree more. The amount of posters who think that the partner is abusive is astounding.

Clearly women should expect everything to be paid for by a man.

Ladies, if your partner doesn’t pay for everything (never mind dares to treat himself with the money he has earned), you must leave him immediately. He is abusive. You’ll obviously be better off trying to house yourself and your children without him paying for everything… 🤦🏻‍♀️

"It seems reasonable for the boyfriend to look for a little commitment to fiscal prudence, and self-discipline, before getting further financially entangled."

Yes very sensible to test her budgeting skills before committing to her when he has already got her pregnant twice and promised to marry her!!! 🙄

So she's not good at budgeting, but she is raising his child, gestating another, and doing all the housework - she clearly has skills to bring to the table. Whatever the money is being spent on, if they approached it as a partnership they could look at the budget together.

There is a very clear divide of responses on this thread but I don't think it's so black and white. I think they are both in the wrong but I do think he is controlling which so many of you are falling over yourselves to explain away.

Wow. He sounds horrible. Once I had children with my partner we worked it out so finances were fair. Once we bought our house we had a joint account. He's not being fair.

If you two don't trust to share finances for life together but keep everything separate, how do you plan to live your lives? What if you want more children, how would you pay your share of the mortgage then? Everything that you tell makes me think the relationship is not between two equals.

He didn't "get" her pregnant. Presumably as a grown woman she is and always has been in charge of her own fertility.

Gestating doesn't give one a free pass or an automatic right to one's partner's funds. He's paying for the lion's share of their existence already. If she feels he needs to be doing more housework, that's an entirely separate matter.

Maybe SHE should have sorted out her own finances and earning power before choosing to become pregnant whilst unmarried and in debt.

Well yes, it was a joint responsibility and a joint decision - no need to place all the blame on the OP, as some are doing. They are both responsible.

Gestating doesn't give one a free pass or an automatic right to one's partner's funds.

Quoting for emphasis 👏

@Headabovetheparakeet
Funny you should say this @ElliF as it's exactly what I think every time I see you frothing about what percentile of income every op is in.

No. Only when it’s the filthy rich complaining about not being able to get their nails done, or pay for young Rupert’s croquet coach. There are people who are genuinely struggling with money on MN. There are people freezing and starving in this country.

I realise it’s hard for some responders to empathise with people and get perspective sometimes. But pointing out to the richest people on the country that they are the richest people in the country, and by definition, the richest people who have ever walked the face of the earth (like this is a 2% family here of richest humans ever to have lived.) By pointing out just how rich they are, maybe some people will take the time to wonder why there is no perspective in these people’s lives.

But we women have the ultimate control. If it's not a good time to produce a child, we can make sure that we don't.

Why did you not work it out so things were fair before hand?

Yep. And this isn’t relevant to the OP’s situation unless iloveyankeecandle was in debt and her partner helped pay it off to ensure their financial security once they did buy a house and have a joint account. Not the same thing.