My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

I thought the OP had made it clear that this situation was temporary. He’s helping repair her credit history before becoming financially linked with her. She has already said that once they have bought a home together there will be a joint account and they will both be responsible for the mortgage and bills equally.

I get what you say @DotAndCarryOne2 but if one person earns 3 times more, how can you pay halves for the bills? IMHO that is not fair.

I don’t think she’s paying half at the moment as he seems to be paying the bigger bills so she can pay off her debt. And it depends on what the joint mortgage payments and bills are going to be doesn’t it ? if they have a joint account she will have access to that - although I don’t know if I’d be happy about that given her past record.

What thread are you following because it’s clearly not this one !!

Clearly.... If he gets her to pay 50% of he mortgage, he'll still have to pay for everything else. He already carries all the bills, took on bigger mortgage to rehouse them all and will be providing 100% of the Deposit for the even bigger house.

So talk of her paying half of all expenses is just semantics.

OP - for your sake, you need to learn how to manage your budget. £1,750 is all that some families have and they manage by cutting their cloth accordingly - you can do this also, given all the additional income support his contribution brings.

It seems like trolling.

Exactly.

The OP had a choice.

She chose to have 2 more children while still having a poor credit rating instead of taking time out to work on her career and become financially independent.

Now she moans because she doesn't have the disposable income she wants.

Ridiculous.

I get what you say @DotAndCarryOne2 but if one person earns 3 times more, how can you pay halves for the bills?IMHO that is not fair
My gut instinct is that it's not fair to pay 50/50 on the mortgage, but now I've thought about it I might see the logic in it.

If the OP pays half the mortgage then she's paying half, give or take the deposit, for a property that will be jointly owned.
Her partner/husband will have to pay more of the household bills in order to make this arrangement fair, so he's still going to be paying more, but if the marriage ends then the OP has put her money into the joint property.

There's a danger if someone is paying their partner back for paying off one lot of debt, still has credit card debt, and still runs out of money when they only have to buy food and bits for the kids on £25k, that this pattern of poor financial management continues once the new house is bought. I'd be very wary about paying the lion's share of a property that someone else had a large claim on if it's highly likely they'll expect me to step in and pay their small share of household bills because they've yet again spent through their money.

Personally if I was in the partner's position I'd not be marrying, buying a house or having any more children with someone who has shown they were on a different page financially, but given he wants to continue it might make sense to want the OP to put her money into her share of joint assets instead of frittering it away and then saying she's got no money for bills.

@twix23I think you are financially incompatible and this is just the consequences of that.
You really need really think about your spending and how you manage your money if you want this relationship to work long term.

You have a lot of disposable income given he pays all the bills and the mortgage.
He isn't watching you suffer and struggle financially unless you are leaving out some major detail and the fact you've said that suggests you don't appreciate how much he is subsidising you and feel entitled to not have to budget at all because he's a high earner.
Everyone has a budget and you resenting how he spends on himself is problematic once he's paid the bills and saved for a deposit.

You clearly aren't good with money if with your disposable income you are still racking up credit card debt.
If your partner doesn't get a say in how you manage your spending (i.e. you don't have a joint budget you are both accountable for sticking to) then you can't expect him to help you again clear that credit card debt by not getting money you owe him for paying off your debt early.
The £200 you owe him instead of the bank isn't a responsibility you should shirk just because he came into some extra cash.
The two things aren't related and the fact you feel you don't need to pay him is probably raising red flags now.

You really need to think about your own financial responsibility and how you are going to come up with a fair household budget going forward including for the joint-mortgage (50%for you seems to high but I don't have all the details; it might be a low mortgage that you can afford 50% of because of the size of the deposit he's contributing which could be fair).
This is the kind of thing that could ultimately end your relationship so see it as a wake-up call.

@LolaSmiles I agree with you 100%.

“I can afford to pay him the 200 AND pay for gym, but I will struggle mid month and have to really really budget, which I just thought maybe if he gave me a month off I just wouldn't need to do.”

And that is the root of the issue and why I couldn’t be with someone with your attitude, and why if I already was bankrolling you and damn well would buy the sunglasses I wanted without guilt.

As soon as you actually have to budget, you think, “nah - I’ll spend his money instead”.

Why did you have a “spendy” Xmas when you were still in debt, preparing to buy a house, and knew you have the gymnastics enrolment coming up?

Years of being in debt has taught you nothing, and years of being subsidised by him has taught you nothing. That is why him “letting you off” £200 for this month isn’t actually going to do you any good in the long run.

I’m amazed that he’s prepared to buy a house with you, if he were my friend and tell him that was a foolish decision.

@twix23 I think you are financially incompatible and you should cut him loose and move on their your life. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. You’ve lived off him and his hard work for five years and got yourself free of debt. Let him go now because he isn’t making you happy.

In six months time you can apply for benefits and council housing and maybe take some classes in maths. He’ll still be on the hook for the kids for 18 years, and he seems like a really responsible bloke, so did okay picking the baby daddy there. Go be the best you you can be.

He’ll move on, work hard and have a nice life, and maybe meet someone who likes a guy in kick ass shades.

So she's not good at budgeting, but she is raising his child, gestating another, and doing all the housework - she clearly has skills to bring to the table

Highly skilled indeed 😂

What an unpleasant person you are.

And yet I am not a parasite on another person.

You forgot the obligatory bE KiNd gimmick you lot tend to wheel out when you've been called out.

Wow some of you lot are so unnecessarily nasty and think you know the EXACT situation from my post and few replies. I've only been working full time n got a pay rise very recently, before that I was on 16,000. Not that that matters, just trying to make a point that you don't know and will ofc never the knows the full story of our lives and money situation, despite some of you thinking you do. All so hooked on the sunglasses too, this was one of many parcels that turned up, he spent about £800 on himself that month (clothes, trainers). Yes he deserves to treat himself but sometimes I just feel like the one in the background watching him live a lavish life style whilst I raise our child and make sure his dinners are cooked and the house is clean. So it irks me sometimes.

"You lot"?
Calling the OP a "parasite" - nice
I've seen a lot of unpleasant posts on AIBU, but I think sneering at a pregnant woman for her contributions to the family (the unpaid labour of childcare and housework) is a new low even for AIBU.

OP that still doesn't make sense. You got a £9000 pay rise and are still spunking it all up the wall every month. How?

The thread isn't in AIBU.

Ah yes thanks for the reminder. From the tone of many of the responses, you'd think it was.

It seems the nasty posters are everywhere.

Well done on the payrise @twix23 - that's truly fantastic.

But again makes even less sense, if you're used to living on £9k less, that extra gives you a large amount extra per month which you've not included in budget so you should be easily able to afford a six weekly haircut at least.

Where is all the extra money going? That's what you need to figure out and start budgeting. I don't know if he's financially abusive or not, but either way you getting on top of your finances will help you enormously.

And money aside, you're both working full time so the split of tasks should be more equitable.

My car, insurance, fuel, my phone and my eldest daughters phone, days out for the kids, eldests school dinners, eldests 3 clubs out of school (her dads useless at contributing), youngest 1 club, tv subscriptions (Disney Netflix etc), I pay my parents fuel weekly so they can look after our child, pet food n insurance, food and all the toiletries, if we ever go out for lunch or dinner I pay, train tickets to London n parking for my fortnightly office commute, kids clothes (more so little one who growing like a weed lol), prescriptions, big family/friend circle so always seems to be a birthday, my credit card of course. Off the top of my head that's all I can think of rn, I won't go as far as showing you my bank account lol but it's incredible how it all adds up so fast. Yes maybe I should budget more, take kids out for free n skip friends birthdays if I can't afford, and I will take that advice, but the judgement on here is insane.