My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

Maybe he doesn't believe it's necessary to spend money to entertain a toddler on an ordinary weekend.

Im shocked that he had the money to help you out and didn't just pay it without expecting you to pay it back.
He should not be expecting you to be paying half your future mortgage and bills when he is earning 2-3 times your salary. The is so unfair. He sounds like a controlling arse.

This is another example of him being financially controlling. He doesn't want you to use paid childcare and that's limiting your earning power.
How do you find time to complete full time hours in the evenings when you're also doing all the housework? I mean, some housework can be done with toddler in tow, but not all of it.

It does sound as if you're not particularly great at budgeting and money management but that is not the whole picture here, and some people are blaming you entirely when there is another very serious issue, which is that your partner is financially controlling. That makes for a very bad combination and you're in a very vulnerable position.

I mentioned this before - does he really intend to marry you? Have you set a date?

Why should he when she just splurges anyway? He paid of her £600 debt last month and now she's got credit card debt. If he keeps rescuing her how's she going to take responsibility?

How much is your credit card debt?

If you got it just to improve credit rating, you do realise you need to pay it off in full every month to actually do this? Otherwise it will go against your credit rating and it will increase your overall debt/interest payments.

How is he limiting the ops earning potential when she works full time earning 25k. It is sensible to reduce outgoings when applying for a mortgage, paying childcare costs will reduce what they can borrow. The op has an income of roughly 1600 a month and from that she covers food and £200 debt payment- she should have a £1000 disposable income to spend on her and the children - how is that not enough?

I agree with PP that it seems very 'coincidental' that OP's cashflow shortage coincided with her partner's bonus. Basically, because he got some extra money, OP feels her partner should forgive her outstanding debt:

he's temporarily swimming in it, so she feels she should be able to splash out on her daughter from a previous relationship. Gymnastics and a birthday are not huge unexpected expenses; they should not make you unable to satisfy an existing £200 debt/IOU. That's where financial responsibility comes in.

BUT - OP needs to look at their financial set up. It makes no sense for her to pay for all food and kids' stuff - just split ALL expenses in a way that's proportionate to your incomes. And get married before you buy the house, and ideally before you have another child with him. Think the man's tight with his money now? Wait until he's moved out and is living with another woman... Just like the first kid's dad, he'll be keen to do 50/50 custody and pay zero CMS. What then?

Sorry to be blunt, but this bonus/kid's birthday/gymnastics story is just a red herring, the big issue is the overall financial dependence and lack of legal obligations after having two kids together, with OP taking care of all household chores and earning so much less 'as the job is so flexible'.

Her DH has a five year history of seeing how Op manages her money. He is making a far more informed decision than what can be judged on here.

looked into a childminder/nursery but my partner didn't want that expense for when we apply for a mortgage

I don't agree with @AnotherEmma that he's being controlling.

What I do notice is that he suggested a more economical way for childcare (very sensible if they are increasing a mortgage) and the OP didn't.
AND the OP appeared not to have thought of this herself.
AND they didn't talk it through.

Most couples will have a conversation.

"This is our budget for the mortgage and what we will have left. We need to work out what we will spend and where we can economise."

OP "I want to carry on working but what about childcare? How about a nursery? Or maybe the grandparents could step in and help. That would save us a lot of money."

HIM-" yes, great idea let's ask them and see how they feel."

Please ignore the posters who are giving you a hard time & listen to those saying that you are in an abusive relationship & need some support!

I'm so sorry your partner is being such a Twat!

Oh give over!

He brought a house so OP and her DD from a previous relationship can live there rent and household bills free.

They are wanting to move to a bigger house and not only is he paying all of the mortgage and bills on this house, he’s also putting in a lot more money into the new house fund than OP is.

I swear some posters don’t even read the thread, they just jump straight on the ‘he’s abusive you need to leave’ bandwagon.

Some people just love to spend money. They don’t care about debt. They don’t know how to budget, and they don’t know the difference between ‘wanting something’ and ‘needing something’. Not good, unless you can find someone else to to pay it off for you.

But why not just leave?
She’s lived bills and.rent free and five years. She’s now cleared all her debts.
Might as well take everything she can, claim he’s abusive and controlling, and stick him for child support for the next 18 years.
Find another guy, settle down, and if you that doesn’t suit, rinse and repeat.

@DrawingdowntheMoon Excellent post.

He is no more abusive that she is. You just have double standards is all.

This is one of the richest families in our country (well into the top 10%), and it’s all about how OP doesn’t get to spend enough of the money he earns, and how much he is saving for their future.

Ooh. Last month he put £3000 in the family savings account and paid off my £600 credit card bill, but now I have credit card debt, again, and it’s so hard. It’s just not fair!

Like WTF?

YES. AT LAST !!

If it was just about being financial responsible, and maximising their changes of getting a high enough mortgage, he would have worked with her to pay off the debt ASAP and before putting money in savings - it's well known that most debt costs a lot more in interest than you can earn from savings interest. They've been together 5 years, they have a toddler (who he wanted - OP said it was his idea to TTC) and she's been paying off debt all this time while he's been saving. Someone financially responsible would have made a financial plan before TTC - or at least once baby was on the way - involving getting debt free ASAP and then saving.

But I don't think it is just about that; I think he wants to keep his money and assets for himself, wants OP to go without while she pays off her debt (perhaps he thinks she deserves to be 'punished' for her financial mistakes as many on here seem to think) and wants her to continue taking full responsibility for childcare and housework (so he doesn't have to do any of it himself or pay towards any childcare). I might be wrong but from what we've heard about his actions, he seems to be prioritising his own needs.

Nonsense. It’s a temporary situation until the debts are cleared and they can apply for a joint mortgage on a property they will both own. He is financially responsible, she has a history of bad debt. If he adds her to the mortgage he is already paying her bad debt will bring down his credit rating and possibly prohibit or limit things when the mortgage deal is renewed. Look that the most recent situation. She had time to plan for christmas/birthday but still overspent and because she can no longer put the overspend on a credit card, she asked for a payment holiday on an agreement they had only just recently made, and on which she had only made one payment. This doesn’t bode well for the future does it ? And yet so many people are seeing this as meanness on his part when in fact he’s the one who needs to protect himself from the OPs bad habits.

Agree. She's not entitled to free everything by society but he benefits from her labor, whether carrying and giving birth, or caring for the child, because it's 50% his child, so he certainly owes her for the imbalance of labor. And bearing a child has lifelong effects on the body, it uses up the same resources that the woman needs to sustain her own life and health. Awfully convenient for men when other women collaborate in saying that the woman's effort in bearing a child counts for nothing. Just party of the sh%%y lot of being a woman, amirite?

Abuse is now classed on MN as trying to help people become financially responsible.

Jeez

It is also very well known that people who are bailed out of their debt are likely to regress and re-debt.

(I used to work as a personal finance writer and have interviewed many experts, many consumers, many spenders and many savers.)

It seems reasonable for the boyfriend to look for a little commitment to fiscal prudence, and self-discipline, before getting further financially entangled.

And, @AnotherEmma , why do you consider being responsible for one's own debt as "being punished" ??

Not about punishment. More about teaching her that actions have consequences - or did you miss the fact that she had to ask for a payment holiday on the money she owed him because she overspent on something she could have planned for and could no longer put it on a credit card ? The man paid off a lot of her bad debt to improve their chances of getting a mortgage on a shared property. She may be paying household expenses, and I agree, he should be contributing towards domestic stuff more, but we have no idea how much mortgage payments he is making or how much he has contributed to the savings pot for the new house. And you have completely overlooked that the home he’s paying the mortgage on now will be used towards the new one - from which she will benefit with a 50% interest.

This is probably my fave comment of them all, thank you.

If you earn so much less you should not be paying 50% of the mortgage. Do not buy a house with this man unless you marry nun first. You are extremely vulnerable should you split. To be honest, I'd consider if this is the type of man I want to buy a house with. You need to sit down and talk about splitting the bills fairly, eg you own half what he does so you pay 25% he pays 75%. A joint account would work best as you can each put in your agreed amount via standing order and still have "your" money left over in your current account.

Did you miss the bit where she earns £25K & him £65K and the bit where he's ordering ordering sunglasses at £200 while she's struggling to pay for her child's gymnastic class! 🙄