My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

You're paying for a lot, and yet PPs begrudge your daughter a gymnastics class while your partner spends £800 on himself 🙄
I'm sure you could improve your budgeting but that won't necessarily solve the root problem which is that your partner doesn't see your relationship as a financial partnership, despite having children with you and supposedly being engaged.

You need to look at your outgoings , 3 clubs ( not sure if this includes the new gymnastics) is a lot .
Look at phone contact, are you and daughter sim only?
Your large circle of friends will understand if you say sorry have to knock birthday/ Christmas gifts on the head .
Make a list of all your outgoing then cull the list .
You had a £9000 ( congratulations) pay rise and don't seem to be any better off .

OP that is a long list, but there are many ways to trim costs.

For example you have said you pay for Netflix, Disney Plus etc - I dread to think what the etc is. Check what you're actually using.

Children's clothing can be bought cheaply in most supermarkets these days. Are you on the cheapest phone tariff?

If you're the one who pays for family meals out, then cut them right back. Either your DP needs to contribute or you go less often.

As an adult I spend very little on friends presents unless it's a special birthday. Pet insurance- check if you can go down a level and still retain decent cover, that's what we have done.

There are literally hundreds of ways to reduce your outgoings without impacting your life much and then you would have plenty for your DDs gymnastics and a hair cut.

Then DP may be fed up with pouring water down an endless well. I know I would be. It probably feels a bit frustrating as he watches the money dripping away with little to show for it.

Yeah I definitely think reviewing your budgets and incomings and outgoings together will be the way forward.

See what you're both actually earning and spending. If you're more open he's likely to be more trusting.

He’s on a power trip. Beware.

I think with careful review you could overhaul your budget a lot. A lot of spends may be force of habit and you just need to look at them a different way. For example we only pay for one TV subscription (Netflix) as I pay for Disney+ with Tesco clubcard vouchers. 3 clubs for eldest is too many if her father won't share the cost. Days out and meals out should be occasional treats, but just because of the expense but because they aren't special otherwise. I do lots of free or minimal cost events with my youngest (8 years) most of which I spot on Facebook - Nature days, Messy Church etc. You just have to be a bit inventive!

Oh and there's nothing wrong with decent condition second hand clothes. My youngest wardrobe is mostly second hand. When I do get her new stuff she moans about the "weird" smell because she isn't used to it!

We're fairly well off but I love being frugal and it's better for the planet not to over consume.

Yeah OP you start buying your kids clothes from charity shops & restricting their activities so that your partner can continue to spend a grand a month on luxury items!

How can you be so selfish as to expect him to clothe his own kids ahead of his new trainers!
FFS!

This.

These responses are as though she’s a single parent asking how to reduce spending. Forgetting there’s someone else in the picture who can contribute to the cost of his own child.

Firstly the eldest DD is not his, and her own DF doesn't seem to be required to contribute to her costs.
Secondly his purchases were a one off treat - I very much doubt this is a regular occurrence. Should he have treated OP as well ? Well yes it does seem mean of him to not at least spring for a nice meal out together, but I can see why he'd be wary of giving OP cash.

I don't think it's "restrictive" to cut back on £100 a month on kids clothes plus constant activities and outings. There should be enough in the budget for a reasonable amount since the partner is covering all living costs except food and the daughter's living costs and food are 50% covered by her being at her fathers half the time.

I agree it might have been nice if he'd put a bit of his bonus towards a treat for the whole family. But it's his achievement and not unreasonable to treat himself once a year for things he had wanted but held back on until he had the cash. It sounds like OP could do with following his lead in holding back. She seems to want what she wants whether she has the money or not and is then surprised and upset when it runs out.

They sound incredibly incompatible financially and if there weren't shared children I'd say split and go their own way but there are, so they need to find a way of working it out and unfortunately the onus is on the more profligate partner to develop a new mindset about spending.

OP's list is a long one but a lot of the things are discretionary.
A major expense seems to be presents for her family and friends and I don't think it's up to her DP to pay for those. That's a big natural area to cut back on.

A second major expense is relating to costs for her oldest child, where the OP has drip fed in that the child's DF is "useless at contributing". Again, not up to OP's DP to cover the costs of a child that isn't is, to make up for the shortfalls of her actual father.

Having said the list is long, 25K still looks really ample to cover them with money left over.

I think it would be really useful for OP to understand the full costs that her DP pays, including what he is putting into savings for the imminent house purchase. I suspect (when he doesn't have bonuses) that he doesn't have masses of money to spend to himself.

@twix23 I think people are just trying to point out that the fact you say you are struggling on £25k a year with no mortgage / rent or primary bills is a sign that your spending and budgeting needs looking at. This combined with racking up credit card debt on a card that was only meant to help you establish credit while getting out of old debt and not wanting to pay back your debts on time to your partner illustrate an approach to money and finances that will potentially lead to major problems down the road with your partner.

He is already shouldering the majority of your household expenses while still managing to save to buy your family home. While he makes more than you, after paying for the mortgage, bills and regularly saving for the deposit, it's unlikely he typically has more disposable income than you given how taxes escalate as your income increases. You really need to agree a household budget together and get on the same page about what is reasonable and stick to it jointly.

Financially, if you keep things separate and he sees you as wasteful and you resent that any extra he gets as a bonus is used on himself, your relationship will really struggle.

I mean, OP, you must realise that the way you spend money and your lifestyle is way out of whack with your earnings and is only possible because of how much your DP is supporting you already?

But none of those things are new since your £9k pay rise(which lets assume gives you around £4k pa take home - so around an extra £330 pm), with the possible exception of the gym class for your eldest. That suggests that you were coming up £300 pm short of what you want (not always need) to spend before your payrise, as you say you are struggling now. Was that going on the credit card, and if so, how were you intending to pay it off?

Your update has made it more clear that you are spending beyond your means.

I think that it might be helpful for you to go onto some of the websites like moneysavingexpert forums, where people can help you work out a budget and stick to it.

Op should cut back, only have second hand clothes, scrimp every penny on the food budget maybe only get 3rd party car insurance, maybe get rid of the TV and listen to radio only?

Meanwhile her dp lives as an independent man with no dependents.
It's bizarre.

@Tempone
Have you missed the part her partner pays the mortgage, in fact sold his flat to buy a house to home op and her daughter, plus pays all the bills . He's lent her the money to settle her debts so they can move to a bigger house that he's saving towards.
It seems the more money op gets the more she spends.

Yes he pays the mortgage on his own house that she doesn't own a share of!
And yes he's bought a house to 'accommodate' her but he's the one benefitting from that, he's benefitting from her doing the food shopping, buying his kids clothes, entertaining his kids while she gets no recognition for that contribution!
Yes there's talk of a new house & 50/50 ownership but that's there dangled like a carrot, and even if it does happen he's already telling her he's expecting her to pay 50% of the mortgage despite the fact she earns a third of what he does & will be looking after 2 of his children!
Honestly if people can't see a problem with that!

Lol. At all the bitching when bile, from both OP and those putting her back in her place, when the stinking rich try to launder their washing in public.

Why does anyone care? Because she pushes the right buttons to get the all-me-are-abusers crowd involved? She’s richer than most people ever will be, and she’s a kept woman. It’s irrelevant how much either of them spend. She’s just here for validation and to let us know how much they earn.

This. And yet some call him an abuser?

Differentiating between needs & wants is something to work on.

I agrée with this tbh, it sounds like he's paid off most of your debt, and pays most of the bills you have together. He's paying more cause he earns more, fair enough, totally how it should be!

It's the final £600 and now you're trying to welch on that too, I do think it's more that he just wants the principle of you sticking to this one thing rather than emotional abuse.

I used to be in a relationship with someone who was bad with money and would h be done the same, I felt taken advantage of after a while I'm afraid.

Then once it's cleared you need a separate convo about sharing finances going forward. Especially over Mat leave.

Dh and I work out what's coming in from both of us and what's going out. After our bills and savings we have 600 a month left over so each get 300 a month for petrol/coffee out or discretionary type stuff

@twix23 so many people missing the point you made. Your partner sounds like a right twat and you are financially vulnerable. Ignore the wind up merchants on here.

No one is missing any point. Her boyfriend is subsidizing the family to an outsize degree while she continues to rack up debt on frivolities. He got a bonus, set most of it aside for the family, bought himself some treats. That has zero to do with her fulfilling her commitments.

How would she be doing fully supporting herself and her daughter on her 25K if boyfriend weren't in the picture?

Well when she was not with him she ran up debt. Since she's been with him, she has been paying it off. Turns out that having someone else to pay all the bills is quite handy. She has 25K (plus presumably CB as well) which just needs to cover food, children's clothes, some costs for her parents and commuting to work once a fortnight. How is that financially vulnerable?

Amen.

All these threads do is rile up the type that say ‘you go girl, you deserve it, you carried and birthed his child, he benefits from you doing the food shopping and the cleaning so keep on doing you, get your ducks in a row and plan to leave him when you can!’

if I’d written the OP and subsequent posts about my partner then had to get into bed with him that evening I’d feel like a piece of shit.

if he’s so terrible OP then leave him but of course you wont, because you’ve got it pretty cushty, you’re just jealous that he’s not got himself into a shit ton of debt and he can afford to spend his bonus on some nice things for himself. Although saying that from the list of outgoings you have each month I don’t think you so half badly. I’m on twice your income (albeit I pay rent and bills 50/50) and I can’t afford to do half the things you do.

not really sure what you’re missing out on here. If you wanna get your hair done then why not sell your phone and get a cheaper PAYG model?

why not have a month of no eating out?

why not cut your eldest daughter down from
3 clubs to 1 or 2?