Is partner financially unfair on maternity?

[greenteaforever]

Hey everyone, new to mumsnet, find it such a good source of real answers and support. I am having a few issues around finance with my boyfriend, which have gotten worse since becoming pregnant.

Background
I am English, age 36, from a low-income single parent upbringing, quite chaotic but Mam did her best. I am employed full-time and have ADHD (recently diagnosed).

My boyfriend is Spanish, 32 and from a financially stable married parent upbringing, his parents were retired when born. He is employed full-time and is Autistic (recently diagnosed).

We both live in a new build house and have been together for 10 years, living together 8. I love him with all my heart but he has unusual views on money matters that I’m uncomfortable with.

The problem
I am 5 months pregnant, due in May 2023. It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that 🙃

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off. He only has 2 weeks paid off. This will allow me to be with baby and adjust to motherhood (as someone with ADHD, it will be harder than most!) but unfortunately it will leave me with around 50% reduction in income over that time.

I would’ve hoped my boyfriend would offer to help with costs, seeing as I am only losing this money due to not working and taking care of our baby, but he has not. I have tried talking, WhatsApp messages, spreadsheets, showing him research, mapping it out on a whiteboard, you name it - but he still doesn’t see why he should have to help. I don’t believe in involving his parents or friends as this is our relationship, or ‘just don’t pay’ as this won’t work and cause extra stress.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house. This feels very wrong to me as I am only losing my share of the house because I am the one taking the time off work, and therefore losing income, which by the way saves us a tonne in childcare. Though I am grateful it help with cash flow, it doesn’t sit well with me.

However, I don’t really see any other option but to accept. Because he’s unwilling to help, it means half of the bills and baby stuff over that 9 months will still be my responsibility. My maternity pay will just about cover this meaning I’ll have 0 left to pay the mortgage, so pushed into a corner to make the decision for him to pay.

I also have monthly debt payments (not much but house related) I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I know you can make arrangements with the bank but again, it pushes me further away from paying them off because I am the one taking time of work, so that doesn’t seem fair either.

My question is - how can I deal with this? I cannot force him to pay, and I’ve tried reasoning with him, so ‘telling him he must pay’ is not an answer. I want to know what my rights are, who I can go to for advice to make sure I’m not being financially at risk as a woman on maternity, and what I can practically do about this (if anything). I am already in tough with citizens advice.

It would be great to hear your views and anyone going through similar.

Annoyingly, he is also withholding money for stuff needed for the baby yet continuing to spend on stuff for himself. I have to fight and beg if I need something, or pay for it myself which only lets him win and pushes me further into debt.

Another thing to add is he plans on paying off his side of the mortgage in the next 2 years, which will save me interest I am very grateful of, but now I feel I ‘owe’ him and have to take a financial hit myself to make up for it, and fall further into debt for us to become a family whilst he continues to become more free.

He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up and becoming exhausted from it all. I don’t earn a bad salary and have worked my ass off to get where I am, given my background, and he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

I even have a second job whilst pregnant at the weekends due to the cost of living crisis, and he watched me do 12h shifts after working Mon-Fri and didn’t say a word, knowing he could very easily help. I might not have even said yes as I have never not once asked him for money, but it would be nice to offer. My choice I know, but can’t he see I’m vulnerable and trying my best? I would do it for him in a heartbeat if the tables were turned.

After much begging, he also agreed I could have the £21 a week in child benefit whilst on maternity, but I can’t get that now as his earnings are over the threshold which sucks. Again, no offer from him to make that up. A measly £21 per week.

I only want things to be fair - I do not expect him to pay my way, just recognise I’m at a disadvantage and adjust his support during those 9 months only. I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

Thanks!

Sorry but you have already spent 10 years with him and he treats you like this.
How much longer will you have to invest, how much more time will you spend to try to change someone who shows absolutely no signs of wanting to change?

According to your post, You've shown him lots of spreadsheets and charts to "prove" how unequal the financial situation was and "campaign" for more equality in joint parental finances such as being "allowed" to claim Child Benefit ( something you should be entitled to and was originally set up to give mother's more access to funds to Benefit the child! and his response was to ignore all this and whine about the effects on HIS tax bill.
I did say in an earlier post that his attitude was shocking because his attitude implies he is trying to make sure that HE is not disadvantaged, rather than seeing his parental responsibilities. And OP I am sorry but if he is withholding in this aspect, it does indicate he will be withholding in others.

What practical steps can you take, that will change his attitude?

Of course people aren't encouraging you to stay with your abuser. You can't change other people, only yourself.- he sees no problem because everything suits him. He treats you dreadfully and will treat your DC dreadfully. Please plan your escape even if you're not ready to go now.

This x 1000000000

I left my ex because he was abusive. Ideally he wouldn't have been abusive and we would have had a family. I could not control his behaviour. Me and DC have a lovely life now.

@greenteaforever oh OP. Have you actually seen proof that your OH has been formally diagnosed with ADHD?

You mention that your OH parents were BOTH RETIRED by the time he was born.... I mean this is very unusual because he's young too!

I just want to add my mum stayed with my dad for 20 odd years and she too had a similar thoughts to you. My childhood was shit tbh! My mum did her best and she did look after us all don't get me wrong.

Once the baby comes along I suspect the penny will drop after 6 months!

Lots of eloquent advice from others so will just give my opinion..he's a wanker.

You really REALLY wanting him to change and you working really hard on your relationship will change nothing and just grind you down.
He has to be able to see he is doing something wrong.
He has to want to change.
You tying yourself in knots trying to make it work and wanting desperately for it to work doesn't mean he's going to contribute any extra funds. It will all be in vain.

The only hope you have of him “changing” is to grow a backbone and set firm boundaries, tell him you are going to leave him unless he makes a fair contribution to your child. If he doesn’t do this after being given one more chance then leave him. Perhaps the fright of that will be what is required for him to change. You deserve better OP.

*There is one side of me that sees there’s a huge issue here, but I am really alarmed at the lack of people encouraging me to find a way to stay and make this work. Whether or not my post indicates this is unhealthy, surely there’s a way to fix this? Who’s to say other relationships I get into won’t have similar issues? Isn’t it better to focus on trying to work through and salvage this because we’ve already invested 10 years in eachother and I have his baby on the way?

Relationships are really hard and I am not one to just give up, regardless of everyone’s opinions to leave. I’ve watched people walk away when things get hard and honestly, I don’t think long term it’s best for our child.*

I wonder whether you would tell a woman either being beaten or raped by her husband that there is a way to work through this, not to give up, not to walk away when things are hard?

Because its easier I think to justify away financial or emotional abuse because 'he's not hitting me'

He might not be hitting you but he still doesn't love or respect you, he is still abusing you and he is still going to be a terrible parent and role model for your child.

I grew up in a household with non physical abuse. It was NOT best for me long term and I really resented my parents for it for years. I see a lot of my age group (where divorce was less common) who are NC or LC with their parents and their parents saying they didn't know what they did wrong. In at least 70% of cases, it was staying with an abusive partner, and their children can't forgive them for making them grow up like that.

Children are not better off in a two parent family when it’s abusive.

you have a commutation problem. If you want to stay you are going to have to find a way to communicate with him.
Otherwise You will end up doing everything and work yourself into the ground or into an early grave with stress.

Isn’t it better to focus on trying to work through and salvage this because we’ve already invested 10 years in eachother and I have his baby on the way?

You’ve invested 10 years in him, and you’re carrying his baby.

There’s no evidence in your posts that he’s invested anything at all in you, or in your relationship.

He won’t get married. He won’t pay for anything related to pregnancy or your child. He won’t take in more than 50% of living costs despite earning 2x what you do.

He treats you like a lodger.

he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

Re-read what you wrote in your opening post.

I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

You ARE severely at risk. Do not ignore that.

Stand up for myself until I get what is right, and believe that he CAN change and maybe I just haven’t found the right way to deal with this yet, but there has to be a better way than leaving

You're placing the burden on yourself to fix this problem. Whatever you may or may not believe, this man isn't invested in making sure you and your joint child have the right environment to feel secure and loved.

He sounds horrible, stingy, unkind and cold from how you've described the way he has withdrawn support so you've been forced to come onto a forum for advice when this should be the happiest time of your life, having his child. He is putting money before his relationship.

You want to try and make this work I understand that.Sit him down and spell it out one final time.Tell him what you are saying here.He is unfair ,uncaring and has no interest in his baby by what you are saying.This is never going to work but you want to believe that he will change.Tell him you will no choice but to have your share of of the property and go it alone Is this what he wants? I am sorry you are in this situation expecting this longed for baby should be a happy time for you both.I have experience of an adult with autism and a similar situation.It didn’t end well.I wish you well.

This.

Classic sunk cost fallacy.

Do you want to waste 10 more years of your precious life on him?

This. Think of the welfare of the child, not yourself and certainly not that asshole sperm donor.

Ok.
How about this.
Ok, so get him to agree to expenses on a wages split. Exclude the mortgage from this.
DH we need to talk about funding our child.
I propose we open a joint account for baby, we will each pay a set amount so say 200/400 split a month.
All babies expenses will be paid for from this account. Bigger purchases over £100 will be talked about choose together.
Tell him that either it can be babies savings day care or a holiday paid for from this account. This will mean he does not have to have you nag him for money.

Serious question OP have you looked into childcare costs? How are you going to afford this and pay 50% of the bills not to mention clothes, nappies etc?

Is he willing to pay for anything towards your child??? If not then clearly you csn see it's not worth trying to chsnge him!

OP, I have seen a lot of people financially abused by partners who are not able to grasp on a cognitive level why their money should be spent on anything they don't want to spend it on, and who are utterly unmoved seeing their partner go under with debt, or struggle alone with the practicalities of family life.

It just feels like nothing to do with them at all.

There could be are all sorts of reasons behind this - neurodiversity, or trauma, or ambivalence about parenthood, or what have you. It really doesn't matter why. The effect on the partner is the same.

Make a Plan B, and fast. This will not get better.

OP please wake up and smell the coffee, you seem to be the only one worrying and fighting to solve this while he does as he pleases. It's all on his terms, this is not a partnership.

I wish you luck OP but I fear you will be back here in a year’s time in a very vulnerable position and with a little one involved. Mean like this do not change and, while you’re right, no relationship is perfect, you seem to have found yourself with a financially abusive man child who doesn’t seem to understand the basics of adulthood. Abusers always have their good points, I know, I was with one for 9 years. Do yourself a favour, start putting money aside where you can. Prepare for when the shit hits the fan.

Thank you so much everyone. We’re working through it and I’m getting my own advice, I have my head screwed on and this forum has opened my eyes even more. Though he finally paid for half the buggie at least, I don’t think he’ll change his views. I’ll give you an update on the new year. Merry Christmas 🎄

OP - please don't let the replies frighten you into paralysis.

Here's a positive New Year's thought for you:

There is happiness possible for you and your child that you cannot even imagine, because you have been so used to not being thought about or cared about or treated fairly.

Your child can grow up feeling loved and wanted and provided for wholeheartedly, without resentment or grudgingness, without having to beg.

All it takes is your deciding that you want this for the two of you: a life where you are not living at the mercy of someone who cannot care for you in ways that matter.

A life where you can simply work out how to solve the problems of life without having to try to drag an anxious person kicking and screaming through any changes that need to happen, or protect him from needing to think about it, or beg him to face it with you.

Life can be SO MUCH EASIER than it is shaping up to be if you stay in this relationship. Even as a single parent. Even as a single parent with ADHD. Even as a single parent of a child who is statistically quite likely to be ND, with all the challenges that can present in terms of sleep, feeding, coping with school, etc.

The hard things will be hard in a much easier way than they currently are.

Things will be easier, and much more joyful, when you are not having to negotiate every single step of the way with someone who just will not budge.

Read up about codependency. Read up about financial abuse. Go online to the support threads for women with ASD partners.

If you feel guilty thinking about leaving, because you can see how your partner is vulnerable, remember that he is very good at looking after his own interests.

If he needs a partner to do all the thinking about serious things for him, he will get online and find one within days of your breakup. I've seen it happen so often with ASD men. He may need someone in that role. It doesn't need to be you.

Take all that love and loyalty and life force and creativity and nurturing and open-mindedness you've got and shine it on yourself and your baby, and make a life for yourself where you can use all of those qualities to their fullest.

You've got the rest of your life, and it can still be amazing.

Leave him. Start a CMS claim when you can. You will probably be better off.

He is abusing you financially.

He's not going to pay half of your childcare if you return to work is he.

Nor is he going to support you with childcare and be an equal partner in all of this.

He is telling you now he won't be inconvenienced by any of this and your looking for ways to work around that.

Just leave and look after yourself and your baby as it sounds like you will be better off in every way.

OP you won't change his ingrained attitudes, this is who he is. It is tragic that he has managed to hide it for so long. Choose a future for you and your child away from those unhealthy behaviours.