Is partner financially unfair on maternity?

[greenteaforever]

Hey everyone, new to mumsnet, find it such a good source of real answers and support. I am having a few issues around finance with my boyfriend, which have gotten worse since becoming pregnant.

Background
I am English, age 36, from a low-income single parent upbringing, quite chaotic but Mam did her best. I am employed full-time and have ADHD (recently diagnosed).

My boyfriend is Spanish, 32 and from a financially stable married parent upbringing, his parents were retired when born. He is employed full-time and is Autistic (recently diagnosed).

We both live in a new build house and have been together for 10 years, living together 8. I love him with all my heart but he has unusual views on money matters that I’m uncomfortable with.

The problem
I am 5 months pregnant, due in May 2023. It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that 🙃

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off. He only has 2 weeks paid off. This will allow me to be with baby and adjust to motherhood (as someone with ADHD, it will be harder than most!) but unfortunately it will leave me with around 50% reduction in income over that time.

I would’ve hoped my boyfriend would offer to help with costs, seeing as I am only losing this money due to not working and taking care of our baby, but he has not. I have tried talking, WhatsApp messages, spreadsheets, showing him research, mapping it out on a whiteboard, you name it - but he still doesn’t see why he should have to help. I don’t believe in involving his parents or friends as this is our relationship, or ‘just don’t pay’ as this won’t work and cause extra stress.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house. This feels very wrong to me as I am only losing my share of the house because I am the one taking the time off work, and therefore losing income, which by the way saves us a tonne in childcare. Though I am grateful it help with cash flow, it doesn’t sit well with me.

However, I don’t really see any other option but to accept. Because he’s unwilling to help, it means half of the bills and baby stuff over that 9 months will still be my responsibility. My maternity pay will just about cover this meaning I’ll have 0 left to pay the mortgage, so pushed into a corner to make the decision for him to pay.

I also have monthly debt payments (not much but house related) I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I know you can make arrangements with the bank but again, it pushes me further away from paying them off because I am the one taking time of work, so that doesn’t seem fair either.

My question is - how can I deal with this? I cannot force him to pay, and I’ve tried reasoning with him, so ‘telling him he must pay’ is not an answer. I want to know what my rights are, who I can go to for advice to make sure I’m not being financially at risk as a woman on maternity, and what I can practically do about this (if anything). I am already in tough with citizens advice.

It would be great to hear your views and anyone going through similar.

Annoyingly, he is also withholding money for stuff needed for the baby yet continuing to spend on stuff for himself. I have to fight and beg if I need something, or pay for it myself which only lets him win and pushes me further into debt.

Another thing to add is he plans on paying off his side of the mortgage in the next 2 years, which will save me interest I am very grateful of, but now I feel I ‘owe’ him and have to take a financial hit myself to make up for it, and fall further into debt for us to become a family whilst he continues to become more free.

He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up and becoming exhausted from it all. I don’t earn a bad salary and have worked my ass off to get where I am, given my background, and he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

I even have a second job whilst pregnant at the weekends due to the cost of living crisis, and he watched me do 12h shifts after working Mon-Fri and didn’t say a word, knowing he could very easily help. I might not have even said yes as I have never not once asked him for money, but it would be nice to offer. My choice I know, but can’t he see I’m vulnerable and trying my best? I would do it for him in a heartbeat if the tables were turned.

After much begging, he also agreed I could have the £21 a week in child benefit whilst on maternity, but I can’t get that now as his earnings are over the threshold which sucks. Again, no offer from him to make that up. A measly £21 per week.

I only want things to be fair - I do not expect him to pay my way, just recognise I’m at a disadvantage and adjust his support during those 9 months only. I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

Thanks!

WTAF 🙄

sorry not clear on some things-is your name on the mortgage? if so he cant just claim ownership as he puts it-my dh pays the whole mortgage but im still on it who pays it is irrelevant

sounds like he never wanted a child and just said yes so you wouldnt leave

OP do you understand that you are already being financially abused by this man and that he intends that the abuse will be even worse once your baby arrives?

As an autistic woman with ADHD, married to an autistic man, with an adult autistic DD and an autistic DS with ADHD, I say to you that this isn't ok. This isn't normal. This will only get worse. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to leave this utterly selfish man (autism is not an excuse).

Surnames make no difference in travelling. People all over the world do it all the time (including me). Some cultures it’s not the norm to give the dads name anyway.

I believe the Spanish tradition is to double barrel anyway.

o/p should give the baby the name she chooses though.

greenteaforever

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
You had some pretty hard responses to your post - must be hard to read.

Please listen and take in what the posters are saying though. You are in a financially abusive situation now, even before the baby arrives. A 50/50 split is fine if both parties earn nearly the same, but as he earns considerably more than you, you should be splitting the bills in proportion to your earnings. I can understand being 50/50 on the mortgage as an investment.

I agree with others, you need to act now before the baby is born when you have the energy and focus to sort things out. As you are not married your rights amount to this

you hold 50% of the mortgage so you own 50% of the house
can can claim child benefit once the baby is born
you have a certain amount of maternity pay / benefit from your employers and the state.
you can claim for child maintenance once the child is born
you decide on the names for your child

That's pretty much that. His strict legal responsibilities amount to paying child maintenance if you claim it. He can give permission for his name to be included on the birth certificate if he is present at the baby's birth registration - and that's that. He can in fact walk away and never see the child if that is the way he wants to play things.

If you can't persuade him to cough up, you have no choice but to put up and get into debt, or you can leave, claim child maintenance and raise the child as a single mother. I know you love him, but from where I'm standing it doesn't look as if this man deserves your love and admiration. In fact even if you think you do manage to persuade him to share the costs of raising your child, I would be very wary he would go back on your agreement.

I get what you say, to some extent, about not approaching his parents, however depending upon your relationship with them - you could ask for their help in explaining a father's moral and social responsibilities to his child and the mother of his child.

In all honesty I'd be getting my head around being a single Mum, telling him this and getting estate agents around to value the house. I'm so sorry.

I’m seeing more and more posts like this everyday on here. It’s not a good position to be in. I’m making the assumption that if he’s paying your half of the mortgage and thinks he has more ownership - there’s so much power control and it’s not good. Sorry

Do you think a relationship councillor could make him realise that he is being completely unreasonable?

I know you don't want to involve family or friends however my sister frequently points out to her son with ASD when he's being an idiot about something. His wife tells my sister and she works on her son (she has had 25 years more experience than the wife). Although have to say my nephew is no way near as bad as your DP.

How does he feel about fatherhood. If you can't convince him with spreadsheets. How about the reality of being a single dad. Maybe you need to describe this to him in great detail - financially and otherwise.

Regardless I would be getting my exit strategy in place.

You are entitled to the child benefit, you claim it and it's his responsibility to make an equivalent payment on his tax return, though that is by far not your biggest problem.

If he intends to continue his financial abuse, then you should consider leaving him. Do you really want to stay with someone who is putting you in this position and watching you struggle, that's not a partnership. That way you can also claim CMS, so at least he's paying something for his child.

Notanotherusername4321
Surnames make no difference in travelling

Oh yes they do. My DD has my name and my DP has been challenged several times going through passport control on returning to the UK with DD and without me. Fortunately each time DD has been of an age where she can answer for herself so only minor delays. DD would travel with the Parental Responsibility certificate tucked in her passport.

He was also told he couldn't sign a consent form for surgical treatment for DD as we weren't married and DD and DP have different surnames. We even had DD's birth certificate and Parental Responsibility paperwork with us, but the consultant wouldn't budge. Again not a problem as I was there, but worth bearing in mind

Sadly I agree with this. This man isn't going to willingly provide for his child - he's made that obvious already. You will get more out of him (and escape the financial abuse) by leaving.

Do you have enough equity in the house that you could get a flat for you and the baby?

Surnames do make an absolute difference my DS has a different surname to me and in the airport you are likely to get stopped and questioned because you BOTH have different surnames. This has happened to me in Manchest airport coming back from France

So I was just saying if OP gives her baby her surname this would be less of an issue in the airport...

OP would need to carry the birth certificate - again silly advice saying not to put dad's name on the BC because the police officers may request it from OP!

Ffs why are some men such dickheads

If that’s what you believe.

my experience is different, I have never been stopped and I travel alone a lot with dc, and with dh.

so my conclusion is it’s not names they stop people for, but some other reason or random chance.

anyway it’s not such a big problem that travel plans should affect name choices.

This is also a lesson that the financial and practical impact of having a child must always be discussed and agreed beforehand. So many women post on here saying "I hoped he would offer...", as the OP has, but the cold hard truth is that you cannot make assumptions like that.

Before TTC, women need to sit down with their partner and agree exactly what finances are going to look like. It's the only way to ensure you don't get screwed over like this.

Paying 50% of everything is one way of doing it so long as he is not forcing you to live above your means with choices like house/holiday/eating out etc. However, this obviously doesn't work with maternity leave. I think you and he have 2 choices if you are going to preserve that arrangement going forward. 1. Ask him bluntly if he intends to pay 50% of the costs of supporting your child. If he says yes, tell him that childcare during the maternity leave period is a cost of supporting your child which in this case is double your loss of earnings (your half of the cost is your loss of earnings, his half matches that). He can therefore contribute your loss of earnings to the pot and you split the rest. 2. If he doesn't go for that you need another equal alternative. That would be either a) 50/50 shared parental leave or (b) you go back to work as soon as you encounter significant loss of earnings and you both split the childcare bill as well as everything else. What that period is would depend on your maternity leave entitlement, could be 2 weeks, 6 weeks or 6 months or more depending on your employer's policy.

It isn't true that you can't claim maintenance if he's not on the birth certificate. I guess some of the advice around not putting him on there is because he is clearly abusive. Yes he can go on there if he takes legal action but it might give OP some respite from him in the early days.

Agree 100 per cent. It is shocking.
Sorry OP you are already a single parent.
Who needs a spreadsheet, whiteboard etc to understand the simple fact of having a child T,OGETHER. - Begging for Child Benefit! Disgraceful on his part.

He is completely avoiding his parental responsibility . If he's abusive about finance, what else is he utterly selfish about?
You are proud of your independence and self-sufficiency but he is completely taking advantage of that.
Make sure you get your baby a passport as soon as it is born.

@Notanotherusername4321 why did you bother respond if you are going to be ignorant. Me and @DPotter have shared OUR experiences.

I have not said your experience isn't true nor implied that isn't the case. As a single parent travelling with DS it's a common issue. They questioned me over the surname not for any other reason because the officer actually stated this to me himself.

I too travel often

Presumably you all have the same surname if you are married.

Why would you presume that?

Sorry, he made you beg?
LT financially abusive B. Get your half of the house back and claim CMS, it'll be more than the 20 something quid per week he is offering.

@Feelallright because the poster HERSELF stated DH?

I went on maternity leave in June and I'm due back in March. Me and my DP have always split rent and bills. And we continue now. All nappies wipes etc etc I pay half for. You'll have to manage your money well because its hard.

@1994girl have you put it to your DP that your maternity leave is saving you both money? You'd both be paying for childcare if you weren't taking it. At a minimum he needs to contribute 50% of the cost of childcare more than you to your joint expenses. Your 50% is being covered by your time in lieu of your money. If you pay 50% costs in a period where you are not earning at all for a joint reason (a child) that is nuts.

I'm in agreement with everyone else, leave him, he's financially abusive.
Him being autistic is no excuse for financial abuse.
Sell the house, take your half and start again, either invest in a smaller property if you can afford it, rent or could you move back in with your parent?
Check if your entitled to benefits, then put a claim in for CMS.
Due to your upbringing in a single parent household you may think your child will be better off with parents who are together, forget that, you turned out alright didn't you?
It will only get worse when the baby is born.
Read the other posts on MN of women who are trapped in financially abusive relationships, you've got a chance to save yourself from years of misery, grab that chance with both hands