Is partner financially unfair on maternity?

[greenteaforever]

Hey everyone, new to mumsnet, find it such a good source of real answers and support. I am having a few issues around finance with my boyfriend, which have gotten worse since becoming pregnant.

Background
I am English, age 36, from a low-income single parent upbringing, quite chaotic but Mam did her best. I am employed full-time and have ADHD (recently diagnosed).

My boyfriend is Spanish, 32 and from a financially stable married parent upbringing, his parents were retired when born. He is employed full-time and is Autistic (recently diagnosed).

We both live in a new build house and have been together for 10 years, living together 8. I love him with all my heart but he has unusual views on money matters that I’m uncomfortable with.

The problem
I am 5 months pregnant, due in May 2023. It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that 🙃

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off. He only has 2 weeks paid off. This will allow me to be with baby and adjust to motherhood (as someone with ADHD, it will be harder than most!) but unfortunately it will leave me with around 50% reduction in income over that time.

I would’ve hoped my boyfriend would offer to help with costs, seeing as I am only losing this money due to not working and taking care of our baby, but he has not. I have tried talking, WhatsApp messages, spreadsheets, showing him research, mapping it out on a whiteboard, you name it - but he still doesn’t see why he should have to help. I don’t believe in involving his parents or friends as this is our relationship, or ‘just don’t pay’ as this won’t work and cause extra stress.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house. This feels very wrong to me as I am only losing my share of the house because I am the one taking the time off work, and therefore losing income, which by the way saves us a tonne in childcare. Though I am grateful it help with cash flow, it doesn’t sit well with me.

However, I don’t really see any other option but to accept. Because he’s unwilling to help, it means half of the bills and baby stuff over that 9 months will still be my responsibility. My maternity pay will just about cover this meaning I’ll have 0 left to pay the mortgage, so pushed into a corner to make the decision for him to pay.

I also have monthly debt payments (not much but house related) I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I know you can make arrangements with the bank but again, it pushes me further away from paying them off because I am the one taking time of work, so that doesn’t seem fair either.

My question is - how can I deal with this? I cannot force him to pay, and I’ve tried reasoning with him, so ‘telling him he must pay’ is not an answer. I want to know what my rights are, who I can go to for advice to make sure I’m not being financially at risk as a woman on maternity, and what I can practically do about this (if anything). I am already in tough with citizens advice.

It would be great to hear your views and anyone going through similar.

Annoyingly, he is also withholding money for stuff needed for the baby yet continuing to spend on stuff for himself. I have to fight and beg if I need something, or pay for it myself which only lets him win and pushes me further into debt.

Another thing to add is he plans on paying off his side of the mortgage in the next 2 years, which will save me interest I am very grateful of, but now I feel I ‘owe’ him and have to take a financial hit myself to make up for it, and fall further into debt for us to become a family whilst he continues to become more free.

He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up and becoming exhausted from it all. I don’t earn a bad salary and have worked my ass off to get where I am, given my background, and he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

I even have a second job whilst pregnant at the weekends due to the cost of living crisis, and he watched me do 12h shifts after working Mon-Fri and didn’t say a word, knowing he could very easily help. I might not have even said yes as I have never not once asked him for money, but it would be nice to offer. My choice I know, but can’t he see I’m vulnerable and trying my best? I would do it for him in a heartbeat if the tables were turned.

After much begging, he also agreed I could have the £21 a week in child benefit whilst on maternity, but I can’t get that now as his earnings are over the threshold which sucks. Again, no offer from him to make that up. A measly £21 per week.

I only want things to be fair - I do not expect him to pay my way, just recognise I’m at a disadvantage and adjust his support during those 9 months only. I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

Thanks!

OP this is so so wrong!! I don’t agree with PP about telling his parents because I guarantee they won’t care.

For all you know they could be encouraging this attitude from him. I echo what others have said and leave him.

Not the ideal when you’re having a baby but he won’t change. If you think he is bad now wait until the baby gets here!!

You would be so much better off on your own as hard as it is.

You and your baby deserve so much better! 💐

He is a complete and utter arsehole. There is nothing to be done, protect yourself and your child and prepare to go it alone. It will only get worse once the baby is here. Incredibly sad to read and frankly his behaviour is appalling. Take care.

Tell him you’re going back to work at 6 weeks, and either he takes the time off as shared parental with no help from you for the bills or he goes halfs on childcare. If he agrees to pay half the childcare, then use that to bargain that he may as well pay that half to you while you’re off.

That’s assuming you don’t want to leave him, because you should leave him.

God he sounds completely horrendous. If you can’t force him to step up then my strong suggestion would be to leave him, sell the house, get half the equity and put in a claim for CMS and enjoy your life without this arsehole.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I know it's easy for us from the outside to say leave him, and so difficult for you to hear. Unfortunately, unless you sort this issue out and he agrees to contribute to this family, you really do need to leave him. He thinks it's ok to not pay for things for his child and for the child to be fully your responsibility? What about when you return to work, who is going to be paying for childcare? If he thinks your finances are completely separate then find out what childcare would cost and get him to pay you that while you are on maternity leave. Or even better, ask him to take paternity leave up to the 9 months (which will likely be unpaid), and tell him he still needs to pay for his half of everything.

I also don't understand how he thinks that if he pays for the mortgage for 9 months then he gets outright ownership of the property? What about all the months beforehand and all the months afterwards that you will contribute? This is shocking for him to even be thinking like this. If he doesn't realise how wrong this is, then you can't be financially connected to this person. This isn't a relationship, this is financial abuse. Get out while you still can.

One more question... is your name on the mortgage? And whose account does the money for the mortgage payment come from every month? I really hope it's either your account or a joint account. Because if it comes directly from his personal account (even if you are sending him money to contribute), it can sometimes be difficult to prove you contributed and he can claim he has been paying it all and take the house for himself... please leave this man before you get sucked in even more into his abuse.

This is financial abuse. He's manoeuvring you into a corner where he can take your half of the house and potentially leave you and child homeless. He is a shit.

Explain that you cannot afford maternity leave, and hire a nanny, that you each pay half for. Or leave and go through the cms. Do not allow this to continue up to the birth.Get out now.

Bit off point but having ADHD doesn’t make it harder to adjust to parenthood, millions of us with it have done so just fine. Remember just because you have a diagnosis doesn’t mean that the condition becomes your personality! See so many newly diagnosed doing this.

RE finances - are you meaning you want your partner to cover all costs and you keep your income or do you want your partner to take a greater proportion of the bills and leave you with a little spending money? Just because he pays the mortgage doesn’t mean he then has full ownership of the house, so long as your name is on the deeds you own it too!

I'm currently on maternity leave and can't imagine my DH doing this.

Options are

• leave him and claim via cms (you love him so unlikely you will leave but an option)

• research the cost of daytime childcare for a newborn/and child under 1. Then charge him 50% of this (in london this is c.£100/day for 10hrs)

• research the cost of nighttime childcare for a newborn/and child under 1. Then charge him 50% of this (I know people who were charged £250/night 7pm-6am)

• if you choose to breastfeed charge him for the cost of formula (I breastfeed but google says £15/tin)

Just with the above you could charge him £1300 a week to cover his part of raising your child. Use that to contribute to your mortgage.

Or how much do you earn an hour ? Given that you'll be looking after the baby charge him that for every hour you are looking after baby.

Additionally,

• how much do personal shoppers cost? If you are researching all baby products. Charge him for the work involved THEN split the cost of the purchase

I know being a parent shouldn't be transactional but if he insists on taking that stance you should too.

Good luck OP

So tell him that you changed opinion and since he is not willing to contribute more during maternity you are left without another choice and you have to go back to work after 2 months . So you need to find childcare which will be 50/50. As this will probably cost about 2,000 pounds I doubt he will be happy about and maybe he will reconsider . Also for me 50/50if you don't make the same is a bad deal. For me the money are family money. My husband was making double than me till he lost his job a month ago ...the last month I did put all my salary to our common account and told him not to touch his savings as this is how I see family works

Get legal advice and leave him, take 50% of the house.

What an utter piece of shit he is. Not sure what else to say. Surely you know nice kind decent men don't behave like this?

Does he not think he should be paying towards his baby and that only you should have the responsibility then?
Tell him he either supports you all financially while you are off with the baby saving on childcare or you will go back to work after 2 weeks and he can pay 50% of the childcare costs.
if he’s a higher earner he should be paying more than 50% anyway.

if he doesn’t agree to that then there’s no future and I would leave him.

Go nuclear. Tell him that, unless he contributes fairly, your relationship is over, the house will need to be sold and proceeds split and he'll need to pay CM.

If he still doesn't agree, don't hesitate... get the ball rolling before the baby arrives and have a look at what you might be entitled to as a single parent.

Tbh I'm not sure I'd trust him as far as I could throw him, so I think I'd be asking for a lump sum in my bank account before the baby arrives in exchange for not forcing the sale of the house.

I would leave. If you do not want to do that, find out what the going rate for a nanny is in your area. Invoice him 12 hours a day, 7 days a week as his half towards childcare.

Oh dear. Why is he your boyfriend? Why are you not married? Do not have any more babies with this man!!

You would get more money out of him going through child mainance. You may have to go back to work earlier eve if its part time. You need to get shut of this man.

What does not putting him on the BC gain?

If he’s not in the BC o/p can’t claim CM. Can’t have it both ways.

ok he won’t have parental responsibility, but all he needs to do is take a DNA test and PR will be granted. If o/p ever needs CM, she will need to find him and somehow force him to take a DNA test, and then he’ll get PR anyway.

Unfortunately your choices are, take the minimum time off and go back to work. Work out how much extra he's going to have to put up for childcare. Or leave him, take what's owed in the house and sort out maintenance when baby has come.

Also as a parent of kids with SEN have you thought of the future of your child having either or both ASD/ADHD? You need to sort this money thing out now, not wait to see what happens.

This.

What a pity that this all did not come to light before conception.

@Notanotherusername4321 I agree I'm not sure why MN suggest that. The surname thing though if OP travels baby should have her name because I have this issue and it's annoying!

How can you continue to share air space with this creature?
He is beyond awful.

What a cunt!!!! Leave that fucker. You'll have enough then. You'll get child benefit as well as maintenance, plus half the house. UC possibly. And when you go back to work you'll be sound.

What a fucking cunt.

Withholding his contribution to family expenses is abuse.

Please stand up for yourself and your baby and leave. What kind of arsehole would watch their pregnant partner of 10 years struggling through 12 hour shifts at a second job and refuse to financially support a maternity leave for his child? He's a bully.

I agree that leaving him may be your only and best option. This is what he’s like before you are on maternity leave and entirely responsible for a baby (because, let’s face it, he’s going to do fuck all parenting - is he?).

It’s not a partnership. You’re not even preparing to be parents together in a meaningful way.

Sell the house, take your equity and he’ll have to pay child maintenance.

Claim the child benefit regardless. You are entitled to it. He may have to pay the government back - but that is most definitely not your problem.

Why do you have house-related debt while mr moneybags doesn’t?

He’s not a nice man. No good man would watch his pregnant partner of a decade work two jobs and panic about making ends meet while he has money to pay off his half of a mortgage in 2 years and to buy what he wants. He’s showing you who he is. And it’s not pretty.

What have I just read?
Honestly op was he like this before?