Is partner financially unfair on maternity?

[greenteaforever]

Hey everyone, new to mumsnet, find it such a good source of real answers and support. I am having a few issues around finance with my boyfriend, which have gotten worse since becoming pregnant.

Background
I am English, age 36, from a low-income single parent upbringing, quite chaotic but Mam did her best. I am employed full-time and have ADHD (recently diagnosed).

My boyfriend is Spanish, 32 and from a financially stable married parent upbringing, his parents were retired when born. He is employed full-time and is Autistic (recently diagnosed).

We both live in a new build house and have been together for 10 years, living together 8. I love him with all my heart but he has unusual views on money matters that I’m uncomfortable with.

The problem
I am 5 months pregnant, due in May 2023. It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that 🙃

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off. He only has 2 weeks paid off. This will allow me to be with baby and adjust to motherhood (as someone with ADHD, it will be harder than most!) but unfortunately it will leave me with around 50% reduction in income over that time.

I would’ve hoped my boyfriend would offer to help with costs, seeing as I am only losing this money due to not working and taking care of our baby, but he has not. I have tried talking, WhatsApp messages, spreadsheets, showing him research, mapping it out on a whiteboard, you name it - but he still doesn’t see why he should have to help. I don’t believe in involving his parents or friends as this is our relationship, or ‘just don’t pay’ as this won’t work and cause extra stress.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house. This feels very wrong to me as I am only losing my share of the house because I am the one taking the time off work, and therefore losing income, which by the way saves us a tonne in childcare. Though I am grateful it help with cash flow, it doesn’t sit well with me.

However, I don’t really see any other option but to accept. Because he’s unwilling to help, it means half of the bills and baby stuff over that 9 months will still be my responsibility. My maternity pay will just about cover this meaning I’ll have 0 left to pay the mortgage, so pushed into a corner to make the decision for him to pay.

I also have monthly debt payments (not much but house related) I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I know you can make arrangements with the bank but again, it pushes me further away from paying them off because I am the one taking time of work, so that doesn’t seem fair either.

My question is - how can I deal with this? I cannot force him to pay, and I’ve tried reasoning with him, so ‘telling him he must pay’ is not an answer. I want to know what my rights are, who I can go to for advice to make sure I’m not being financially at risk as a woman on maternity, and what I can practically do about this (if anything). I am already in tough with citizens advice.

It would be great to hear your views and anyone going through similar.

Annoyingly, he is also withholding money for stuff needed for the baby yet continuing to spend on stuff for himself. I have to fight and beg if I need something, or pay for it myself which only lets him win and pushes me further into debt.

Another thing to add is he plans on paying off his side of the mortgage in the next 2 years, which will save me interest I am very grateful of, but now I feel I ‘owe’ him and have to take a financial hit myself to make up for it, and fall further into debt for us to become a family whilst he continues to become more free.

He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up and becoming exhausted from it all. I don’t earn a bad salary and have worked my ass off to get where I am, given my background, and he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

I even have a second job whilst pregnant at the weekends due to the cost of living crisis, and he watched me do 12h shifts after working Mon-Fri and didn’t say a word, knowing he could very easily help. I might not have even said yes as I have never not once asked him for money, but it would be nice to offer. My choice I know, but can’t he see I’m vulnerable and trying my best? I would do it for him in a heartbeat if the tables were turned.

After much begging, he also agreed I could have the £21 a week in child benefit whilst on maternity, but I can’t get that now as his earnings are over the threshold which sucks. Again, no offer from him to make that up. A measly £21 per week.

I only want things to be fair - I do not expect him to pay my way, just recognise I’m at a disadvantage and adjust his support during those 9 months only. I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

Thanks!

Well I'm married, and I don't share a surname with my DH.

It's the 21st century!

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off

But in all this ‘research’ you haven’t figured out how to afford it. You can’t afford 9 months off. Why didn’t you sort these financial aspects of parenthood with him before now?

Look, he sounds absolutely financially abusive.

But to give him a smidgen of the benefit of the doubt, perhaps being autistic means he is struggling with rigid thinking around this change in life stage. So I think you need to get his parents involved. Hopefully they’ll be firmly on your side.

I actually dread to think what your upbringing/previous relationships were like op if you 'love with all your heart' an abusive, thoughtless, selfish arsehole.

Leave him, claim half the house, claim CMS and get any benefits you are entitled to

He knows he's an arsehole. He knows he can't get you pregnant then refuse to buy baby things and support you financially during maternity

This will get worse not better. He doesn't love you, or respect you, he can't or he wouldn't do this.

OP I really feel for you. This is a horrible situation to be in. I am sorry but I agree with the other posters. This is not going to get better. He is financially abusive. He is not prepared to support a child (by subsidising the partner taking maternity leave).

You could discuss the possibility of Shared Parental Leave, so that you can continue to pay your 50% but it doesn't sound like things would improve in the long run.

If you do stay together, do claim child benefit (and he will have to pay it back through HMRC as the higher earner).

Leave the bastard.

@1994girl I presume you are on enhanced maternity pay and as such are receiving 💯 of your pre maternity salary? If yes then continuing to split is fine as nobody is missing out.

If however you are on SMP or MA your DH/DP has mugged you off during your leave. Fine if you are happy with that.

DH and I split 5050 because I get 💯 pre maternity salary for the duration of my maternity leave plus I'm the higher earner. When I return to work after 11 months we'll continue to split 5050 when DD starts nursery.

OP - Did he actually want this child? Was he enthusiastic about the idea of having a baby? Because he isn't acting like he actually wants to be a father.

I'm not saying that this would excuse him in any way btw! He's financially abusive, and if he didn't want to financially support a child he should have worn a condom.

You can get the child benefit as soon as your baby is born. He doesn't have any say in it but yes he will have to pay it back in his taxes.

Rights of Women can help you explore your options rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

This is financial abuse. I don't know if he realises it's abusive or if he just thinks he's right, but it's not right and it's definitely abusive.

I think you really need to ask yourself why you're with this man? What do you get out of the relationship? It sounds like he's a very selfish individual. I mean what man wouldn't want to provide for his child and support you when you're carrying/ looking after his child? It's very clear that he sees you as separate and not a team with him. The bit about keeping tabs on everything and taking money out of the equity of the house as pay back...wtf? What is wrong with this man?! It sounds like he's not really that bothered about his child to be honest.

I can't tell you what to do, but I'm telling you now that you will be better off financially if you leave him and he will have to pay you a good slice of child maintenance. I would go to the solicitor now and get advice. You might be able to find one that gives 30 mins free and you can talk about your options. He doesn't have to know.

If you went back to work he would have to pay 1/2 the childcare costs.
To be equitable he would have to pay 2/3 of the childcare, because his income is 2:1 of yours.
I'd put it like that if you want to have one last conversation with him before you leave.

You can claim child benefit, it is his responsibility as the high earner to pay it back to HMRC.

Don't give him your half of the house, that's so wrong, please look at your options of leaving.

Just want to add my name saying this is an abusive relationship. This is not because he is autistic.

This is bad. This is one of the worst things I have heard on here in a long time. Will he pay for half the childcare when you do return to work? If so, I would take 6 weeks off and then go back to work. Work out a plan to leave and be on your own. I cannot imagine how you have been with this person for so long. He sounds dreadful. Please do not marry him.

@Scooby5kids the man knows he's been finicially abusive. The other things OP has not gone into about having to wait for a child... the man probably didn't want a child. He knows full well what he is doing!

Yes, this speaks volumes:

It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that

He never wanted the child. And is now being financially abusive as he doesn't see why he should pay for something he never wanted. Appalling specimen that he is.

I'm so sorry OP, he is an awful man. ASD has nothing to do with his behaviour, he is just horrible and financially abusive.
This is a deeply shocking post, please take care OP and please do not 'love with all your heart' someone who clearly holds you in low regard

He is abusing you, OP, and there's no Whatsapps, spreadsheets or reasoning of any kind that will change this - HE KNOWS.

Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do that?" is often recommended on here and you should get in touch with Women's Aid.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Financial abuse is domestic abuse.

Leave and don't let him have PRR or he'll abuse you for decades.

I would get out now before you find yourself in deep debt trying to keep your head above water while that tight bastard keeps all his money for himself and has an easy life. He’s nasty. So nasty.

I second this!

I'd sell the house, take the equity and set up on your own ready for when the baby comes.

You'd be able to claim child maintenence from him. Youd also get child benefit and you can also apply for universal credit once you drop down to SMP until you go back to work to top you up. Save as much as you can until you go off work! You'll get through this.

He clearly doesn't see this as a partnership. I appreciate the cultural differences, however this is completely unreasonable. You're carrying his baby and hes already unsupportive, allowing you to work ridiculous hours. My partner wouldnt let me so much as carry the shopping in when i was pregnant.

If he forces you into a corner of having to return to work early due to not being supportive financially (which goes hand in hand with your emotional well being) and miss out on precious time with your baby, you'd only resent him in the long run.

@AreOttersJustWetCats absolutely!! And do not fall for all this shit about not been from UK. Its absolutely shit he will tell you. He knows what he is doing! I say this as I too have been finicially abused DS dad was too from another culture, he was and is highly intelligent do not listen to him OP.

I know this has come as a shock but thank your lucky starts you have posted!! Do you have family?

He can pay off what he likes on the mortgage if joint names he's still responsible for the other half!

Personally he's being financially abusive either he changes or you leave and I would be telling his parents exactly what he is doing!
Also I'd he earns double you your not in a partnership and shouldn't be paying 50/50 your straight away disadvantaged. It should be a ratio of income leaving you both roughly with same ratio of your individual pay left. For double its about a 70/30 split.

Speak to women's aid it's financial abuse autism isn't a excuse. If he won't address the balance then put the house on the market and raise your baby alone.