Is partner financially unfair on maternity?

[greenteaforever]

Hey everyone, new to mumsnet, find it such a good source of real answers and support. I am having a few issues around finance with my boyfriend, which have gotten worse since becoming pregnant.

Background
I am English, age 36, from a low-income single parent upbringing, quite chaotic but Mam did her best. I am employed full-time and have ADHD (recently diagnosed).

My boyfriend is Spanish, 32 and from a financially stable married parent upbringing, his parents were retired when born. He is employed full-time and is Autistic (recently diagnosed).

We both live in a new build house and have been together for 10 years, living together 8. I love him with all my heart but he has unusual views on money matters that I’m uncomfortable with.

The problem
I am 5 months pregnant, due in May 2023. It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that 🙃

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off. He only has 2 weeks paid off. This will allow me to be with baby and adjust to motherhood (as someone with ADHD, it will be harder than most!) but unfortunately it will leave me with around 50% reduction in income over that time.

I would’ve hoped my boyfriend would offer to help with costs, seeing as I am only losing this money due to not working and taking care of our baby, but he has not. I have tried talking, WhatsApp messages, spreadsheets, showing him research, mapping it out on a whiteboard, you name it - but he still doesn’t see why he should have to help. I don’t believe in involving his parents or friends as this is our relationship, or ‘just don’t pay’ as this won’t work and cause extra stress.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house. This feels very wrong to me as I am only losing my share of the house because I am the one taking the time off work, and therefore losing income, which by the way saves us a tonne in childcare. Though I am grateful it help with cash flow, it doesn’t sit well with me.

However, I don’t really see any other option but to accept. Because he’s unwilling to help, it means half of the bills and baby stuff over that 9 months will still be my responsibility. My maternity pay will just about cover this meaning I’ll have 0 left to pay the mortgage, so pushed into a corner to make the decision for him to pay.

I also have monthly debt payments (not much but house related) I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I know you can make arrangements with the bank but again, it pushes me further away from paying them off because I am the one taking time of work, so that doesn’t seem fair either.

My question is - how can I deal with this? I cannot force him to pay, and I’ve tried reasoning with him, so ‘telling him he must pay’ is not an answer. I want to know what my rights are, who I can go to for advice to make sure I’m not being financially at risk as a woman on maternity, and what I can practically do about this (if anything). I am already in tough with citizens advice.

It would be great to hear your views and anyone going through similar.

Annoyingly, he is also withholding money for stuff needed for the baby yet continuing to spend on stuff for himself. I have to fight and beg if I need something, or pay for it myself which only lets him win and pushes me further into debt.

Another thing to add is he plans on paying off his side of the mortgage in the next 2 years, which will save me interest I am very grateful of, but now I feel I ‘owe’ him and have to take a financial hit myself to make up for it, and fall further into debt for us to become a family whilst he continues to become more free.

He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up and becoming exhausted from it all. I don’t earn a bad salary and have worked my ass off to get where I am, given my background, and he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

I even have a second job whilst pregnant at the weekends due to the cost of living crisis, and he watched me do 12h shifts after working Mon-Fri and didn’t say a word, knowing he could very easily help. I might not have even said yes as I have never not once asked him for money, but it would be nice to offer. My choice I know, but can’t he see I’m vulnerable and trying my best? I would do it for him in a heartbeat if the tables were turned.

After much begging, he also agreed I could have the £21 a week in child benefit whilst on maternity, but I can’t get that now as his earnings are over the threshold which sucks. Again, no offer from him to make that up. A measly £21 per week.

I only want things to be fair - I do not expect him to pay my way, just recognise I’m at a disadvantage and adjust his support during those 9 months only. I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

Thanks!

I see that you have two choices 1) Leave him and get child maintenance or 2) Charge him 50% of the going rate for a nanny/childminder for the hours he is at work and any time he is not sharing the load. Will he understand that?

Sounds like abusive to me. Tough though it might be, leave.

you should not be paying 50/50, you are on reduced income! you need to be basing contributions on EQUITY!! if he makes 50% more than you, then he should be increasing his contribution not going half!

And you're also still doing all the childcare this is crazy

This has made me so sad. What should be an exciting time for you, you are worried about money and the state of your relationship. It does sound like financial abuse and controlling behaviour. I'm not sure it'll get any easier. I'm not sure what to suggest as it sounds as though you won't leave him but unfortunately it looks as though you'll be in a better financial situation as a single parent.

He sounds like a paddle stick!!! Tell him you want him to contribute or you will be going back to work early and he will have to pay half for child care. This is shocking.

My big worry would be that he would move back to Spain and disappear.

He is financially abusive.
Please get some legal advice and consider your position.

Pretty unanimous here OP.

Just leave now. You’re in the best position you’re going to be in for a while.

He earns too much for you to receive CB yet he’s as tight as they come?

Run a mile. Take your equity. Do this alone. Don’t give the child his name.

But married people don’t necessarily share the same surname. DH and I have different surnames, as is common amongst most people we know.

I don't say this often but seriously you need to leave. He's basically being financially abusive!
He must be earning at least £60k if uv lost child benefit and he's watching his pregnant partner go out and work a second job even though he cld easily afford to cover more of the bills. That is disgusting! Seriously leave him now Ul get a decent amount of maintenance and probably topped up with universal credit while ur on msg leave.
He does not sound in the least bit nice you haven't said anything that is remotely nice about him.

Definitely leave him, OP. This isn’t how a relationship should work. I’m currently 7 months into a 12 month maternity leave. My partner is a high earner and I’m on statutory maternity pay. We pool all of our money each month, pay all the bills, put some into joint savings and we halve the rest. You deserve so much better than that x

Tell him you need to return to work earlier in order to pay your way and his half of the nursery bill will be £xxx a month.

If you agree to this now, what next?

There was a thread just the other day about a DP who with one month to go decided he wasn't prepared to pay half of the nursery bill as 'she didnt need to work'. You can totally see that happening here next.

Where is the feeling of family? The feeling of being a unit, a team. Pulling together supporting each other. That sometimes means things are not 'balanced'.

If this is his mindset what about night wakings, and housework and chores whilst you are off? What about his share of nursery drop offs and pick ups and sickness cover.

This wont get better unless you tackle it now. And he is that inflexible and can't compromise then the relationship will fail sooner rather then later anyway.

I'm married and didn't take my husband's name. So my surname is different to that of our son's. I've always been asked for evidence that he is my son whenever I travel alone with him, so I always carry his birth certificate. It's not such a big deal.

This is luck of the draw. I haven’t taken my DH / DS surname and have never been asked for evidence.

Claim the child benefit in your name
You don't have to claim the money
This ensures that your National Insurance "stamp" is paid while you are not working & it goes towards state pension & other benefits

Hey everyone!

140 replies in a day, wow… incredible. Thank you for taking the time to reply, all opinions are most welcome! Whilst I can’t respond to all, here are some answers:

• My name is on the mortgage at 50/50. We are not married because he doesn’t believe in it (again no need to challenge as I’ve accepted that).
• I understand ADHD/ Autism isn’t an excuse, but only popped it down here to provide more of a reason to help explain some of the behaviours / challenges we face for people who are not. These conditions don’t affect everyone the same way I do factor this in, whether or not people agree. It is still a fresh diagnosis but rest assured we both somehow knew our whole lives and having it concrete will help long term before becoming parents.
• A few people have mentioned he clearly doesn’t want the child. This has always been one of my greatest fears and so as you can imagine has been a huge source of pain over the years, and could be some truth on it, but I’ve seen men time and time again have the same fears and all I could do was hope because I think he’d be a fantastic Dad. He did afterall decide to say yes, which is his decision. So that cannot be on my shoulders as well. Yes he could have lost me if he didn’t but I am 36 and made it clear for 10 years I always wanted kids and still the relationship continued.
• I have only showed you one version of him: the financial aspect. I won’t go into all the other reasons why I decided to start a family with him, but trust me they are very positive otherwise I wouldn’t have wasted my time. I don’t think the perfect man exists, who is ideal in all areas, do they?
• His family don’t speak English so I’d be concerned about the language barrier and how it would come across in translation. I speak Spanish but not that deep. Also, his family are also very private and I don’t believe they would trust / help me, and it would really upset him if I did.
• As for not having these conversations before we decided to have kids, it was incredibly difficult to get him to the point of being ready due to being so change-averse, and he is not the type of person to talk much about things until they’re here. We did discuss but remember he was brought up by retired parents who were financially 50/50 by that point and where the mother does most housework and childcare get still worked full time, and like some men, this is what they expect from their partners too. He finds it really overwhelming to talk about anything serious. I am sure many women with Autistic partners can relate (again it’s a spectrum, so it will not affect everyone the same). Meaning I do sometimes have to take the risk when I don’t have all the info. Of course, there have been warning signs over the years, but I always thought it was something we could work through as he matured and our financial situation and careers improved. Because I love and trusted him. Also, I’d be very wary of taking someone’s word on something, before they’ve had the chance to experience it. So if he had said two years ago ‘Yes, I will support you on maternity’ he could so very easily change his mind, as could I. This again sounds awful when writing it as where is the trust, where is the sense of partnership etc. But remember we both aren’t super close to family, and mine in particular didn’t set me up properly for what a family should / shouldn’t look like in a healthy way. Starting to realise probably neither did his. And did anyone’s, in reality? And should that be the blame of how we’ve turned out anyway? We’re just doing the best we can from what we know, to make what we have work, do better for our family. I know there’s issues I would prefer not to have but I am pretty committed / deep into this now and have accepted many of them, as hard as it may be to understand that.

Not trying to over explain or defend myself here too much, as I don’t know you guys and you don’t know me, but I have put a pretty serious problem online and have to accept all that comes with it!

I’m still working through all the other advice as it does seem pretty unanimous. There’s been some eye opening stuff around the fact I can still get child benefit, and my own financial advice, without telling him. Part of me feels shady and it may upset the trust even more but I am out of options.

The biggest challenge I have is getting through to him and making him see why this isn’t OK, which I am going to have another shot at. I do not want to give up and become a single parent, I will try my hardest to stop that from happening guys I hope you can understand, I have to. For my baby.

I really really really appreciate your responses! It’s been mega helpful and is already giving me the strength to see things differently and not let him try and pull the wool over my eyes.

There’s been some eye opening stuff around the fact I can still get child benefit, and my own financial advice, without telling him

I'm not sure if you're referring to the child benefit here, but just to let you know, you can claim it, but if his income is over (I think) £60,000 he'll have to do a self assessment form and pay it back at the end of the financial year. If you don't tell him you're claiming it, he'll be landed with a lump sum to repay and a fine somewhere down the line.

That's assuming you're going to stay with him ofc, which I hope you're not actually considering if he won't change his mind. He's taking the absolute piss.

Two routes to go as far as I can see, neither of them conflict free, but stop thinking about being "fair" and prioritise your providing for your future child and their security, because its clear that their father is not prepared to do that.

Either.

• Claim CB and go back to work as soon as possible, either make sure that nursery bills are set up to be paid from the joint account before the mortgage comes out (if joint account) or pay the nursery bills yourself and reduce the amount you pay towards other joint expenses like the mortgage or bills by that amount (if seperate accounts). This is likely to lead to conflict and pressure for you to give him money.

• Claim CB, move out, and start a CMS claim for child maintainance and look into potential benefit support.
• If the property is jointly owned, stop all contributions to his household incl. the mortgage (how he funds his accomodation is his issue), while applying to court to force a sale.
• if the property is proportionately owned decide if your equity is worth continuing to invest in the property and look into getting a court order for "occupational rent"

-

I do not want to give up and become a single parent, I will try my hardest to stop that from happening guys I hope you can understand, I have to. For my baby.

And how good for your baby will it be to have an example at home of the mother doing everything and the father not even willing to have a 50/50 life? Because it's not 50/50 your DP only likes the idea of 50/50 when it comes to money.

You'll end up with a son who will be a useless twat like your partner, or a poor daughter thinking she has to slave away to please her husband.

This is horrible to read. You deserve better, so much better. Move in with your mum and claim child maintenance

OP I'm sorry but he sounds like a right arse and overly entitled! Given you have been together 10 years & have a baby on the way, I would of imagined he would be more sympathetic and looking out for you. He is treating you like a client or a business deal and not someone he should be loving and someone who's carrying his child.

His attitude and behaviour is MASSIVELY off putting. I would say ditch him but you have a baby on the way.

Staying with this man is not in the interests of your baby. You are staying with him selfishly for yourself. Your child will live on poverty watching Mummy flustered, scrimping and saving, debt collectors at the door. While Daddy lives a life of luxury. If you split you would be entitled to Child Maintenance and possibly UC. So stay if you wish, but you are doing that for yourself and not your child.

Just to add as everyone else here is saying. He is financially abusive!! I would get all the help you can get OP regarding house and finances and get yourself out that relationship.

Don't feed into his entitled macho man bullshit and put yourself and your baby first.

I don’t think the perfect man exists, who is ideal in all areas, do they?

You're right, the perfect man doesn't exist and neither does the perfect woman. We all have to compromise on some things. But this is a HUGE thing to compromise on. Do you want to live the rest of your life fighting for your child's father to pay his "half" for childcare, clothes, outings, etc for your child? What if he ends up saying he doesn't want to pay for childcare and you need to stay home to care for the child, without any income, and he refuses to pay anything towards you or the child?

As for not having these conversations before we decided to have kids, it was incredibly difficult to get him to the point of being ready due to being so change-averse, and he is not the type of person to talk much about things until they’re here.

If you've found it really difficult to get him to agree to have a child, he obviously doesn't want this child. And again, you're compromising on a big thing here, that he doesn't want to talk about things. If he hasn't talked about this and so clearly made his mind up about it, what else is likely to come up in the future that he has already made his mind up about without discussion? I think you're putting yourself at risk of living in the serious unknown here. Yes, we don't know everything about him, but this one thing really is huge. He's abusing you and you're trying to convince yourself it's ok and find a solution without actually dealing with the fact that this is financial abuse.

I do not want to give up and become a single parent, I will try my hardest to stop that from happening guys I hope you can understand, I have to. For my baby.

I think being a single parent is better than being in a family with abuse. You aren't doing this for your baby, he obviously doesn't want the baby. You're doing it for yourself. And you're going to be a single parent anyway by the way. You say that his mother did all the childcare and housework and worked full time. This is what your life is going to be too if you stay with him. It's easier to do everything if you are alone, but having to do it all while your partner sits there and watches TV or is out with his friends... that's not easy at all.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

Speaking as someone with adhd (dx) married to someone with asd traits, you're deluded...

As much as you want to be fair & just(adhd trait), he will not change.

Cut the drama & give up on the challenge.

It is abuse & you're susceptible to it, get some space, then look back in horror.