Is partner financially unfair on maternity?

[greenteaforever]

Hey everyone, new to mumsnet, find it such a good source of real answers and support. I am having a few issues around finance with my boyfriend, which have gotten worse since becoming pregnant.

Background
I am English, age 36, from a low-income single parent upbringing, quite chaotic but Mam did her best. I am employed full-time and have ADHD (recently diagnosed).

My boyfriend is Spanish, 32 and from a financially stable married parent upbringing, his parents were retired when born. He is employed full-time and is Autistic (recently diagnosed).

We both live in a new build house and have been together for 10 years, living together 8. I love him with all my heart but he has unusual views on money matters that I’m uncomfortable with.

The problem
I am 5 months pregnant, due in May 2023. It was planned but took around 5 years of waiting for him to be ready, but won’t get into that 🙃

I started thinking about maternity leave and doing research years ago, and after much deliberation, I have gone for 9 months off. He only has 2 weeks paid off. This will allow me to be with baby and adjust to motherhood (as someone with ADHD, it will be harder than most!) but unfortunately it will leave me with around 50% reduction in income over that time.

I would’ve hoped my boyfriend would offer to help with costs, seeing as I am only losing this money due to not working and taking care of our baby, but he has not. I have tried talking, WhatsApp messages, spreadsheets, showing him research, mapping it out on a whiteboard, you name it - but he still doesn’t see why he should have to help. I don’t believe in involving his parents or friends as this is our relationship, or ‘just don’t pay’ as this won’t work and cause extra stress.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house. This feels very wrong to me as I am only losing my share of the house because I am the one taking the time off work, and therefore losing income, which by the way saves us a tonne in childcare. Though I am grateful it help with cash flow, it doesn’t sit well with me.

However, I don’t really see any other option but to accept. Because he’s unwilling to help, it means half of the bills and baby stuff over that 9 months will still be my responsibility. My maternity pay will just about cover this meaning I’ll have 0 left to pay the mortgage, so pushed into a corner to make the decision for him to pay.

I also have monthly debt payments (not much but house related) I have no idea what I’m going to do with. I know you can make arrangements with the bank but again, it pushes me further away from paying them off because I am the one taking time of work, so that doesn’t seem fair either.

My question is - how can I deal with this? I cannot force him to pay, and I’ve tried reasoning with him, so ‘telling him he must pay’ is not an answer. I want to know what my rights are, who I can go to for advice to make sure I’m not being financially at risk as a woman on maternity, and what I can practically do about this (if anything). I am already in tough with citizens advice.

It would be great to hear your views and anyone going through similar.

Annoyingly, he is also withholding money for stuff needed for the baby yet continuing to spend on stuff for himself. I have to fight and beg if I need something, or pay for it myself which only lets him win and pushes me further into debt.

Another thing to add is he plans on paying off his side of the mortgage in the next 2 years, which will save me interest I am very grateful of, but now I feel I ‘owe’ him and have to take a financial hit myself to make up for it, and fall further into debt for us to become a family whilst he continues to become more free.

He is the higher earner and has the right to do with his money as he wishes, but I just feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up and becoming exhausted from it all. I don’t earn a bad salary and have worked my ass off to get where I am, given my background, and he continues to watch me struggle which feels very strange after a 10 year relationship, now that I’m carrying his child I worry how our kids may be affected.

I even have a second job whilst pregnant at the weekends due to the cost of living crisis, and he watched me do 12h shifts after working Mon-Fri and didn’t say a word, knowing he could very easily help. I might not have even said yes as I have never not once asked him for money, but it would be nice to offer. My choice I know, but can’t he see I’m vulnerable and trying my best? I would do it for him in a heartbeat if the tables were turned.

After much begging, he also agreed I could have the £21 a week in child benefit whilst on maternity, but I can’t get that now as his earnings are over the threshold which sucks. Again, no offer from him to make that up. A measly £21 per week.

I only want things to be fair - I do not expect him to pay my way, just recognise I’m at a disadvantage and adjust his support during those 9 months only. I am an independent woman and have always paid half but feel severely at risk since becoming pregnant.

Thanks!

Leave him.

Claim your half of the equity.

Claim child maintenance.

Claim child benefit.

Tell him to piss off.

I think you need to go back to work much sooner than 9 months and make him contribute half of the childcare expenses.

In the long term I'm not sure I'd want to stay with this guy. It sounds as if you settled for him because you don't think there are any better out there... but there are! You'd be much better off leaving him, then claiming your share of the equity plus child maintenance.

We pay 50/50 on the mortgage and all bills currently, he earns double what I do. He offered to pay my half of the mortgage over the 9 months maternity, but taking that as his ownership of the house.

No no no. Do not agree to this.

This is 50% your house. He does not gain full ownership by paying your half of the mortgage for a few months. What sort of selfish berk is he?

If you want to stay with him you keep paying your half of the mortgage, direct to the lender from your account if necessary. He can pay the remaining bills to cover your shortfall.

But unfortunately this sounds like the beginning of the end. It sounds like the next battle will be him refusing to pay towards nursery costs because "it's your decision to go back to work and incur these costs".

Sorry Op. Wishing you all the best.

like i said you both own the house so whatever happens he cant just take ownership of it whoever pays

you cant just take someone off a mortgage because you decide you want ownership

All of the above. Good luck OP.

He doesn't sound as if he views this baby as a joint decision at all... he is putting it all on you.

The more you have written, the more selfish he sounds.

If he is like this now, what on earth will he like when baby is here?

Honestly, I think getting out now would be the best plan. Get yourself sorted with somewhere to live, put things in motion to sell the house (he can buy you out if he coughs up) - get settled before the baby arrives. Claim CMS straight away.

As others have said, you will effectively be a single parent if you stay, but if you leave you will only have one baby to look after, far easier than a baby and a selfish manchild too.

Thank you all again for your support! I have taken a lot on board and already looking at options 🙂

There is one side of me that sees there’s a huge issue here, but I am really alarmed at the lack of people encouraging me to find a way to stay and make this work. Whether or not my post indicates this is unhealthy, surely there’s a way to fix this? Who’s to say other relationships I get into won’t have similar issues? Isn’t it better to focus on trying to work through and salvage this because we’ve already invested 10 years in eachother and I have his baby on the way?

Relationships are really hard and I am not one to just give up, regardless of everyone’s opinions to leave. I’ve watched people walk away when things get hard and honestly, I don’t think long term it’s best for our child. Numerous studies show how much better in life children do from two-parent families (these are facts, not a dig at single parents, please don’t come at me) so I’ll fight to get through these financial issues to not become another statistic of couples that broke up because of money.

if anything, this forum initially give me strength to see the truth of what’s happening so thank you, but now has given me the fuel to find a way to make it work as that’s what I believe deep down is best. I came here for true honest opinions and that’s what I got.

Yes I may have to take the hit, yes I may be financially abused, yes I will continue to get advice, but I am strong enough to see the bigger picture here. Stand up for myself until I get what is right, and believe that he CAN change and maybe I just haven’t found the right way to deal with this yet, but there has to be a better way than leaving. That he can get help and see the error of his ways, so that my child has mam and dad around all the time.

These are my thoughts and hope you can understand 💜

Good luck OP. If you are going to stay and make a go of it, make sure you always have an escape fund - money in your own name that you can easily and quickly access. I fear you will need it. These men don't change.

Bill him for daily childcare rates.
What an utter bastard!

You are being abused. Ofcourse that's not OK and you are not going to be encouraged to stay. I hope you find the strength to leave. As a PP said, have an escape fund. How you'll create that when you cannot afford your life right now I do not know.

For people to change such a fundamental part of themselves, they have to want to change.

You want this man to change the way he thinks about finances. He sees no reason to change as the current situation is working just fine for him. He may not be able to change.

So the question for you is - what buttons of his can you push so he wants to change ? I honestly and respectfully suggest that if you have been trying to persuade him to see the situation from your viewpoint for some time, and you have yet to succeed, that there is nothing more you can do. You are leaving your future and that of your child to sheer luck, and you don't sound like a woman who leaves things to chance, you sound like you want a plan of action to move forward.

The only plan you can form and action is one that depends upon you and you alone.

As you explain your thoughts in your last post you are walking into the sunk fallacy situation, accepting the certainty of financial abuse. Yes, you're right there are a myriad of child development studies that show children thrive best with 2 parents. However those 2 parents have to be actively working together in the best interests of the child. There are also lots of studies that show children thrive best away from abusive relationships, that growing up with parents who are in an abusive relationship perpetuates the abuse cycle down the generations. That growing up in a single parent family, where the parent is happy and focused on the child's wellbeing is as good for that child's development as a 2 parent family. There are also lots of studies which show that abuse from one parent often starts or ramps up during pregnancy. You seem to accept you are facing financial abuse now, so maybe you can also see that this abuse could escalate.

We can sit here and trade child development and relationship studies until the cows come home. But at the end of the day, the choice is yours. All I ask, and I'm sure others here will ask the same, is this

don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy
remember you are not just choosing for you, you are choosing for your child
the only level of acceptable abuse, is no abuse
MN will be here for you, as and when you need support

It's not purely about the money. It's about his complete lack of respect for you, and refusal to see you as an equal. He sees you're exhausted, working two jobs, and still, in your own words, you've had to beg for the child benefit and money for baby related purchases? He knows you are unhappy and yet you are the only one trying to make it work and make him be the kind of father, partner, and human being that he's clearly not interested in being.

No one is telling you to give up. It should never have been such battle in the first place.

This is exactly where I am on this. He is showing you with his actions that he literally does not care about your well-being or his child's well-being when he has the ability to help.

If you stay, I'd strongly encourage counselling as a couple to work through some of these issues. But right now he has you over a barrel. You have set no boundaries or red lines. Everything is negotiable for you, whereas nothing is negotiable for him.

If you don't have some lines that you won't allow him to cross in terms of not leaving you impoverished, then he'll keep doing it. Forever. Where's the incentive for him to change?

So in your shoes, wanting to stay in the relationship, I'd frame it as - I love you and I want us to stay together, but your approach to finances and the way you're treating me and your unborn child doesn't work for me. I feel that you don't see this as a full partnership. I know you disagree about what that means, so if we're going to be able to stay together then we need some external help to agree a way forwards that we're both happy with.

But if you don't set those firm boundaries, I can't see why he'd change.

Wow I've not read any of the replies yet but my gut reaction is you need to leave him!! This won't change, you will be dealing with this for life. Normal people either pool salaries into one pot so it's "ours" or they have a joint account where the higher earner pays in proportionately more depending on what they earn to cover mortgage and bills so you are both left with roughly the same amount once bills and mortgage have been paid.

He sounds like he is completely oblivious to the disadvantage you are at having his baby or that he is wilfully ignoring it for his own benefit.

Good luck having a child with a man like this

Leave him. What a horrible person. You deserve better and can do better without him. Selfish

Whether or not my post indicates this is unhealthy, surely there’s a way to fix this?

It would take both of you to fix this. You cannot fix this on your own. You haven't said anything to indicate he is willing to change.

It takes two to make a relationship; it only takes one to break it.

You obviously know nothing about ADHD if you can make a statement like that! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your already being abused financially by him, you don't have anything to lose.
Tell him that he is 50/50 on all child expenses, that you will ask over major purchases.
Tell him that your both in this relationship but if he is acting like this then what is the point, he can either act like a grown up adult and since her earns more pay a bigger share or you split and he can pay child maintenance and not see his child grown up on a daily basis.

You're a fool to stay and try to make this work op, I'm sorry. Your 'well no man is perfect' attitude shows your in denial about his awful he is. My dh is not perfect but he would never do anything like what your DP has done. It's not normal or healthy. Leaving would be best for your child but of course you don't see that.

You're

Why do women do this to themselves? I despair

I am really alarmed at the lack of people encouraging me to find a way to stay

Because noone should ever encourage someone to stay in an abusive relationship. I don't think you recognise yet just how fucked up this is but I hope you do one day. If he had hit you, you wouldn't be making excuses about how it's better for kids to have 2 parents or how he's nice in other ways. Don't make excuses for emotional and financial abuse. It's not just the money, the watching you work yourself into the ground with 2 jobs while pregnant is awful.

I'm also currently pregnant. Yesterday my DH dropped our toddler at nursery, worked a 9 hour day, made dinner, did bath and bedtime, did the big supermarket shop, unloaded the dishwasher, hung the washing away and started wrapping Christmas presents. While I lay on the couch the entire evening because I had mentioned to him I was tired. I then bought some maternity clothes online and charged it to the joint account, because he is 50:50 responsible for everything related to this pregnancy and the child that results from it.

And I wouldn't even class this as 'amazing' or anything, this is the absolute basic level of care I would expect any loving DH to show their pregnant wife.

What example do you want your child growing up seeing?

There is one side of me that sees there’s a huge issue here, but I am really alarmed at the lack of people encouraging me to find a way to stay and make this work.

I'm alarmed that you still don't see how bad this is. 🙁

The baby you're growing is so helpless and vulnerable and doesn't deserve to grow up with an abuser. I hope you can find the strength to leave.

I am really alarmed at the lack of people encouraging me to find a way to stay and make this work.

You can’t make it work. You are doing everything, he is doing nothing. It’s not just the money. He doesn’t care about you or the baby. He has damaged you already, and will damage your child. He’s already damaging the child because of the way he is treating you. Instead of being best placed to rear a child, you’re already in one of the worst places.

Absolutely this.